How can I get revenge on my bpd sister.

[wiwi2538]

Hi, I'm really happy to find this community. Before we start, I want to let you know that
1. I'm not English native speaker.So, my grammar are not 100% perfect and I do apologies for my mistake.
2. This is my hate speech for my bpd sister. I have had enough for this person and I didn't seek for help. Only thing I'm seeking is to make a lesson for her and seeking for revenge. It may sounds aggressive, but I know you will understand how suffer I am to live with her since you also have bpd family members.

I'm 28 and my sister is 22, 6 years younger than me. I will conclude about my experience towards this person below.

1. Selfish.
This person is extremely selfish. She doesn't care about others, but herself. My dad is now 59 years old, and has to work 8.00-17.00, but she force him to drive to pick her up around 2 am every night only because she loves to go to bar and seeking for one night stand there. My dad is very tired to do this because he is old now and he has to work early tomorrow. This makes my dad get lower performance at work. He ask my that person to at least goes to bar 2-3 times per week, not every night because he can't handle this anymore, but she doesn't care.
2. Slut and narcissist
That person always changes boyfriends! Also she already has boyfriend, but she loves to do one night stand with others and proud when she knows guys want her. This person always dress like slut, wears too too much makeup and jewelry, roam around dirt at night to find stranger to sleep with and proud to do it behind her boyfriend. When she got compliment about her outer eg. her attire, her make up, etc, this person always proud and try to show everyone that she is so so beautiful!!
3. Competition for everything especially love!! She tries to show that our parent love her, not me. I really don't care because I know it is not the truth, but it is very annoying. When I wanted TV with my mom and dad, she always try to ask for attention from them like speaking good words, huge them, etc. which is so pretending. 
4. Stealing money
She stole around 100$ from my dad creating a lot of stories how she need this money. When got caught, she said she will commit suicide (which I will be happy if she really do it)
5. Verbal abuse and physical abuse.
She pulled my hair,  slapped me and yell very rude word to me only because I told her to be careful about the dog when open the door. Mom tried to protect me so that person slapped her too. She also did this to our 59 years old dad because she is not in the good mood.
6. Screaming and destroying stuff or saying she will commit suicide when someone make her not satisfied. Last time, she did it at shopping mall and everyone looked at us. She tried to jump from the troll way and public see it.

Now, I didn't speak to her for 3-4 months because I think it is the best way for me to escape from this person, by cutting her off even though we have no choice but living in the same house. She, therefore, try to get revenge me for doing this by separating mom and dad from me. I know I have to make a  plan if I really want to revenge on her. I try to searching through internet to make this person feel hurt the most, but didn't find anything. And I need your advice to do this.

[SaltyDawg]

Hello,

I've been where you are at, many years ago, I remember my frustration with my younger brother and how he has messed everything up for me, especially with my parents.  However, I will share a part of me that previously felt very similar to the way you feel now.  I am going to meet you where you are emotionally at 'right now' by validating many of your feelings.

It sounds like that you are exceptionally furious at your younger sister.

From what you have described your sister is living her own personal hell, likely has substance abuse issues, possibly has sexually transmitted diseases, seeks an excessive amount of attention, yet it is very likely that she feels very empty inside.

I sense that she has hurt you very badly by demanding the attention of your father to pick her up from the bar at 2 AM every night.

The physical abuse she has done to you, your father, and mother is unacceptable - and it is okay to feel extreme anger at her for doing this.

Being mindful that you cannot 'fix' her; however, you can set boundaries, and encourage your parents to do the same, this in effect will enact some of the 'revenge' that you seek, as it will make your sister very mad and/or hurt her when she no longer can behave the way she wants without any kind of boundaries.  With a concerted effort, the goal is to encourage your sister to behave better, so you don't have these feelings about her, which I fully empathise with you, as I too have felt many of the same things you have with my brother.

Let me explain by reviewing each of your points, and offering up a different perspective... (view point).  I will also explain the 'natural consequence' to these behaviors - which are almost all very bad and terrible.


1. Selfish.
This person is extremely selfish. She doesn't care about others, but herself. My dad is now 59 years old, and has to work 8.00-17.00, but she force him to drive to pick her up around 2 am every night only because she loves to go to bar and seeking for one night stand there. My dad is very tired to do this because he is old now and he has to work early tomorrow. This makes my dad get lower performance at work. He ask my that person to at least goes to bar 2-3 times per week, not every night because he can't handle this anymore, but she doesn't care.

Perhaps, ask your dad to not pick her up every morning at 2 AM.  This will benefit your dad, so he can get a full night's sleep and do better at work.  However, he may be enabling her behaviors out of concern for her behavior of sleeping with some strange man.  This will make your sister very mad, as she will have to pay her way home in a taxi/uber/etc.  Encourage your father to let your sister make this 'mistake' so she has a consequence for her action.  The only way a person will learn is through the consequences of their actions.  This also implies that she has a substance use disorder (alcohol or worse) - this is her own private hell.  However do be prepared, your dad may pushback as he is picking the lesser of two bad decisions by picking your sister up at 2 AM.  What does your mom think of this?


2. Slut and narcissist
That person always changes boyfriends! Also she already has boyfriend, but she loves to do one night stand with others and proud when she knows guys want her. This person always dress like slut, wears too too much makeup and jewelry, roam around dirt at night to find stranger to sleep with and proud to do it behind her boyfriend. When she got compliment about her outer eg. her attire, her make up, etc, this person always proud and try to show everyone that she is so so beautiful!!

If she has unprotected sex, she has a good chance of having a STD - something to be shameful about and it can be painful too.  If and when her boyfriend finds out about this, what will the boyfriend do?  This will be another natural consequence of her behavior.  Either catching a sexual disease, which can be painful, or worse, or losing a boyfriend - this too will likely make your sister very mad -


3. Competition for everything especially love!! She tries to show that our parent love her, not me. I really don't care because I know it is not the truth, but it is very annoying. When I wanted TV with my mom and dad, she always try to ask for attention from them like speaking good words, huge them, etc. which is so pretending. 

Borderlines seek excessive validation, and seek to be the center of attention to fill the emptiness she has inside her - it is not love she seeks, it is validation.  I know this hurts you when she does this, and you find it very 'annoying'.  She is doing this as she is 'empty inside' and cannot fill her emptiness, even though she tries so hard to do this.  She does this with your parents, and she does this with the men she meets at the bar.  I don't know, she may even do this with you, if you let her.


4. Stealing money
She stole around 100$ from my dad creating a lot of stories how she need this money. When got caught, she said she will commit suicide (which I will be happy if she really do it)

Impulsive spending is another symptom/trait of borderline, as is suicide.  I too had the same feeling that I wish they really would 'do it'.  However if she did do it, this would hurt your mother, and your father in their heart.  Do you want your parents to go through this?


5. Verbal abuse and physical abuse.
She pulled my hair,  slapped me and yell very rude word to me only because I told her to be careful about the dog when open the door. Mom tried to protect me so that person slapped her too. She also did this to our 59 years old dad because she is not in the good mood.

Physical violence is never okay.  Perhaps use your phone to document this behavior (video record).  Depending on where you are in the world, calling the police will result in her being jailed or worse.  If you do call the police, she will be mad at this.  Be sure to have video of her behavior, so she cannot blame you or her parents for that kind of behavior.


6. Screaming and destroying stuff or saying she will commit suicide when someone make her not satisfied. Last time, she did it at shopping mall and everyone looked at us. She tried to jump from the troll way and public see it.

This kind of behavior is very embarrassing to you and even more so for her, as she is the one doing it.  She is full of shame, that is why she wants to end it all with suicide.  Is knowing that your sister has extreme shame revenge enough?


Now, I didn't speak to her for 3-4 months because I think it is the best way for me to escape from this person, by cutting her off even though we have no choice but living in the same house. She, therefore, try to get revenge me for doing this by separating mom and dad from me. I know I have to make a  plan if I really want to revenge on her. I try to searching through internet to make this person feel hurt the most, but didn't find anything. And I need your advice to do this.

I agree putting some distance between her and you is a very good 'boundary' - we call it 'No Contact' and for a sibling, this is often very healthy to do this, and since your sister seeks validation - this will hurt her the most, you have abandoned her.  What is preventing you from moving out of the house, and getting a small flat somewhere so you don't have to be around your little sister?

With regards to your mother and father, when your sister is at the bar, have a separate conversation with them to let them know your feelings, and why you feel this way and how they are spending more time on your sister acting out than with you is very hurtful to you.  They probably do not know what to do with your sister when she behaves this way and they are trying to maintain the peace any way they can - which only makes this situation worse.  Try to put yourself in your parents' shoes where you have a sister with very destructive and disturbing behaviors, and you are very well behaved in comparison.  What would you do if you had a daughter with these kinds of behaviors?

When I was your age, actually younger, I had a younger brother, he was the black sheep, did horrible things similar to what your sister was doing in your family.  He was kicked out of the military, couldn't hold down a decent job.  Even though my parents were there for me, they weren't there 'enough' for me.  I felt that they played favorites with my brother, and they were ignoring me and my own emotional needs - and in many ways this was true.  I 'get it' I really do.

When I had a conversation with my parents, the same one I suggest that you to do with your parents - my parents' response was 'too little, too late, and definitely not enough'.  They did apologize; however, they had no idea the amount of emotional damage they did with their neglect of me - I am codependent due to my FOO (family of origin issues).  In their mind it was enough, in my mind it was a start that didn't go anywhere.

Try to see the point of view of your parents, talk with them - they are not mind readers, and if they are anything like my parents once you open up to them, they will open up to you too, even though they may not understand what you are going through, and they definitely do not understand what your little sister is going through.

Eventually they did more for me, a lot more, but it took years, and me moving out away from my parents.  I really feel for you.

Getting back to the 'revenge' you want.  This may sound strange, but the best revenge you can do, is not to do anything to your sister, as that would be lowering yourself to her level.  But, instead, be the best you can be, and be a success.  Become independent, move out on your own, have a successful career - be something your sister can never be.  You will get away from the toxic relationship of your sister.  You will gain self esteem, and a good sense of self -- something your sister does not have.  This will make her very jealous of you.  Have a conversation with your parents, they may know more than you think; however, they don't know what to say.

Research BPD, and make healthy choices for your own emotional health.

I know you are feeling really bad right now, and even if you weren't I would also make the following recommendation.

Be sure to do self-care, whatever that looks like for you.  Exercise, take a walk outside in the sun, take a long hot bath/shower, get lost in a good book/tv show/movie to take your mind off this mess that you find yourself in with your sister.

Take care with self care.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear wiwi-

Welcome to BPDfamily.  I am so very sorry for the pain and anger that you’re experiencing and for the horrible situation your BPD sister has created within your family.

Sadly, family members and partners of pwBPD (people with BPD) often operate from a place of fear, especially when a person repeatedly threatens suicide.  We never know if those threats are genuine or are being used as a means of control.  But in either case, the threats provoke great fear in us when we hear them.  The person who issues the threat, if it is real, may be feeling complete hopelessness.  They are often just lost.

Salty Dawg has provided you with very good advice.  What I would add is this:  Do everything you can to build healthy and safe relationships and friendships outside of your immediate family.  It seems you really need and deserve this type of safety.

You are are still young, and it would benefit you greatly to do whatever you can to *escape* the negative feelings you’re burdened with.  SD is right in encouraging you to focus on taking care of yourself and pursuing things to improve YOURSELF and your life.  The way I see pwBPD (and those with severe narcissistic tendencies), most of those people already intensely loathe or hate themselves, especially after they act out.  If you engage in revenge, I can almost guarantee you will feel worse about yourself.  Your sister will present herself as a victim once again and she will likely learn nothing.

As far as your parents, they are likely feeling quite desperate.  I’ve found we have no control over how others handle difficult situations.  We can offer our perspective to them, but they have to be willing to change.  So any real positive change to your life will have to come from you.  You CAN do this.

Please keep posting.  We do understand what you’re feeling and why.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[CC43]

Wiwi, we understand your frustration with your sister.  Living with someone with BPD is challenging, and you have highlighted many of the bothersome and harmful behaviors.  For a non-native English speaker, you write very clearly and concisely.  I hope you can use that to your advantage.

Trying to keep your distance from your sister may help give you both the space you need to think about other wonderful things in life.  However, if you remain in the same household, you probably can't help but experience her negativity on a daily basis.  Since you are 28, and your parents haven't retired yet, maybe you could consider living on your own for a while.

There's an expression that "the best revenge is a life well lived."  If you pursue your dreams, you won't spend as much time worrying about your sister's behavior.  With some separation from your sister, maybe her selfishness and narcissistic behaviors won't bother you so much.

Even so, she is your sister and she always will be, so we understand how difficult it must be to tolerate her behavior.  If she weren't related to you, you probably wouldn't care that much.

[beatricex]

Get healthy, keep retaliation to a minimum, post a mantra on my bathroom mirror "I will Survive", thrive in new healthy supportive relationships

I think revenge might actually be overrated?

Maybe let old Dad (maybe not that old, he's my husband's age ) decide if your sister is actually forcing him to do anything, or if he's just stuck in appeasement phase.  Encourage your Dad to break out, get a life, and stop being her punching bad (if he asks for your advice).  Be his champion.  Set a good example.  Be a reverse mentor for him.

Why is your Dad willing to put up with your sister's verbal and physical abuse?  What does he gain from it?  ie. the Karpman triangle is called a Drama triangle cause it can feel Fun or at least familiar.

Set a few psychology books you are reading about the house for folks to accidentally find.  When anyone asks what they're for, you can proudly state I'm Working on Me.  Let them know there's no shame in getting mental health in order.

strive to be my best self, mature, wise, sage.....understand I'm a work in progress and forgive myself for that!

Mental health and good mental health means understanding the difference between revenge and sweet victory. 

(hugs)

[HappyChappy]

I totally understand why you feel revengeful. But best advise I had when I felt that way was:
 
"Living well is the best revenge." George Herbert.

This work's well with someone with a BPD, as their manipulation is often designed to upset. Be good to yourself, you're worth it.

[Notwendy]

The best revenge is to be happy and free of the drama with your sister. Even "revenge" to her is paying attention to her and engaging in drama with her and that means she still can engage in this with you.

And she will win, every time. Because the playing field isn't even. She can go lower than you can manage emotionally- because you don't have it in you to do what she does.

And with her BPD comes denial and projection. It's a force field- I learned that to get angry at my mother is like "peeing in the wind". It gets projected back at you. Also since she dissociates, it won't register with you.

It's a waste of your time and emotional energy. I'd suggest cutting contact rather than trying revenge.

I won't call your sister a pig- she isn't a pig and this isn't really about pigs- it's ametaphor to not get into the emotional drama mud witih people who stir up drama.

“Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”

Revenge will only make you miserable. Best to not go there.