BPD MIL freaked out that I did not take their last name

[brianal]

Hello,
I (31F) am newly married to my husband (32M), and his mother is diagnosed with BPD. Her behavior has been challenging for the entire 6 years he and I have been together, but in the past it was often targeted toward other people (her husband, a waitress, her sister, etc.) Her behavior toward my husband and I really escalated when we got engaged and now married. She believes my husband is abandoning her by marrying me and frequently calls or texts him to berate him about this.Three times during the wedding planning process she "disowned" him from the family. Her own siblings and relatives did not come to our wedding because she has had fallings out with all of them. She of course can not see that she is the cause of all of the failed relationships in her life.

My mother kept her maiden name when she married my father, and I chose to do the same when my husband and I got married. We live in his home state, close to his parents who we see often, and live several states away from my family. It was important to me to keep my birth name to maintain that part of my family identity while living far away, and because I am already well-known and established in my profession under my birth name, so I don't want to change it and disrupt my professional life.

When she found out I am not taking their name she had a complete meltdown, disowned my husband yet again, and began texting him with a litany of illogical complaints about me and my family, telling him that she is sure we will get divorced and she is only trying to help him "see the light". My husband responded and told her that the decision about my name is between us, has nothing to do with her, and that our decision is final. He also told her her behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. She responded with an "I'm sorry you were offended BUT... (insert laundry list of complaints) text and then demanded that we go to their house this week to explain my decision to her.

My husband and I feel stuck and unsure of what to do. He's not ready to go no contact (though this incident may push him over the edge) and I want to respect his desire to find a way forward to have a relationship with his mom, but we also know that trying to reason with her is a losing battle. I don't believe I owe her any explanation for my decision and feel like this entire conversation will only end in a bigger, more brutal fight. I am trying to prepare myself to talk to her using calm, supportive language that I know will be better received, but I find it so hard to keep my cool when she starts attacking me and my family for made up reasons. My mom also has cancer right now so I am especially sensitive to insults about my mother. I don't want to enter this conversation and say something I regret.

I could use any tips or advice for what to do next. I am totally lost.

[GaGrl]

I also kept my maiden name after I married -- I had multiple degrees and certifications in a well-established career and wanted to retain that. So I get it.

I see no value in having any conversation about this with your MIL at all. It's none of her business. You don't need to subject yourself to her comments about your family. That's a hard no and the point you excuse yourself and leave.

[HappyChappy]

My BPD mum had an issue with my sister taking her husband's family name, even though that's the protocol in our country. 

Abandonment issues are a core symptom of BPD, is your MIL diagnosed ? If so, then maybe her therapist could deal with this. She may feel you're going to abandon her, but feelings do not equal facts.

Maybe work on boundaries. But I'd agree with the last poster, don't engage in the circular argument, you'll get the same response if she's undiagnosed. It's about her dealing with her feelings of abandonment, not about a name. "A rose is a rose by any other name" - Shakespeare.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome to the group, and congratulations on getting married! Your H sounds like a great guy.

This is really positive to hear:

When she found out I am not taking their name she had a complete meltdown, disowned my husband yet again, and began texting him with a litany of illogical complaints about me and my family, telling him that she is sure we will get divorced and she is only trying to help him "see the light". My husband responded and told her that the decision about my name is between us, has nothing to do with her, and that our decision is final. He also told her her behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. She responded with an "I'm sorry you were offended BUT... (insert laundry list of complaints) text and then demanded that we go to their house this week to explain my decision to her.

It sounds like you and your H are on the same page about his mom -- that's big. So glad you two can be a united front.

Does it feel like not going to their house to "explain yourself" somehow equates to "the start of no contact"?

Sometimes, pwBPD are very good at setting up situations that feel like lose-lose for you, but win-win for them. Maybe this is one of them -- does it feel like "either you go like she demands, or she'll never speak to you again"?

What if there's another way forward? One thought is to not respond to her demand. Not say "No we won't", not say "Yes we're coming", just... not give that message any engagement.

It's a negative, demanding, controlling message, and to respond to it at all -- even to say "this is unacceptable" -- may give her "negative engagement" (that is to say, proof that if she says awful things, her son will still engage with her).

Maybe you aren't required to respond at all.

What do you think?

[brianal]

Thank you all so much for your responses. My MIL was diagnosed with BPD many years ago but refuses to receive treatment. My FIL called us today to apologize for her behavior and acknowledge that she is having some sort of breakdown and needs psychological help.

My husband responded to his mom to reiterate that we are unable to have a conversation with her about this until she calms down and stops saying vile things. My MIL then started texting my sister about an hour ago. My sister is not responding to her and sending us screenshots of her messages. The escalation is unlike anything I have ever seen before and I think we have no choice but to go NC.