Transformation in perspective on marriage dynamics

[SaltyDawg]

(split from thread "How to reconnect")

Pook,

   Even though this was not meant for me, I too will answer your questions / observations, as I have noticed a dramatic transformation in your perspective on your own marriage dynamics that didn't quite work out.

   I enjoy reading your perspectives, here and on other posts as it resonates so well with me, and you are an inspiration to me.

   Without further ado...


First, she's not broken.  She sees the world through a different lens and sometimes responds inappropriately.  Broken implies that she needs to be fixed, and so many here will say things like, "Change is impossible without years of DBT".  That's simply not true and most people here can easily prove it to themselves by looking at others their BPD communicates with.  Unless your wife is toxic with every person in her life, almost 100% of the time, then she can build healthy relationships and choose to behave appropriately.

I fully agree with your statement.  My wife is not 'broken' even though she has labelled herself as such.  She is capable of having healthy relationships, even though her work and volunteer relationships have been quite stressful for her.  The dysfunction extends beyond her relationship with me, to our children, to her work, and to a limited extend where she volunteers at.


The answer here is better communication and building trust, which are the hallmarks of any marriage, any friendship for that matter.  BPD's lash out because they fear abandonment, confrontation, etc.  They need love and support to heal.  But when you tell them they're wrong, that they're broken and need therapy to be right, that feels like the exact opposite of love and support....it's judgement and condemnation.

Again, I agree with you on this.  I have just discovered a better form of communication, backed by science, for those in crisis.  Since borderlines see negative events at a crisis level, this form of crisis communication (at least initially) seems ideal.  As I alluded to in my previous post, it was my wife who brought me to therapy to get fixed, I jumped on the opportunity as a decade earlier I did the same to her, which failed.  I figured, as long as she was in therapy, things would get better, they didn't until I was able to articulate my perspective to counter the 'false narrative' of facts modified to match her feelings.  The focus should be on her feelings, and not so much the facts.


Could therapy help?  Yes!  But it can only help on her timelines, inside her own comfort zone.  There's nothing anyone can do to force that or make her see it differently, because it only proclaims "you're broken and worthless."  I'm sure those wouldn't be your words, but it's what she hears and she runs from it.

Again I agree fully with you.  My wife has expressed those exact feelings, albeit not in the same sentence.  My wife made very little progress, until she bought into doing therapy.


The best advice I can give is to talk to your wife and be brutally honest- you love her and you want this to work. How can we stop this bickering, what can we do to move past this?  Then genuinely listen while loving and supporting her, without defending or admitting to anything.  Focus on her feelings only, and keep reinforcing that you love her and want to understand where the <emotion> is coming from.

Yes, yes, yes!  Focus on validating her feelings and her emotions without judgement.  Do reinforce your love.  I am going to add that using open-ended questions for her to answer those questions of 'stopping the bickering, and moving past it'.

I believe we are pretty much on the same page on this.  I am curious as to the process of how you have come to these conclusions, what was the catalyst of your epiphany?

Thanks for your time and efforts, they are very much appreciated.

Take care with self-care.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

I believe we are pretty much on the same page on this.  I am curious as to the process of how you have come to these conclusions, what was the catalyst of your epiphany?

Thanks for your time and efforts, they are very much appreciated.

Take care with self-care.

Het brother.  For me, it really came down to my faith and how we're supposed to love one another.  1st Corinthians 13 talks about love and says that it's patient and kind, it's not proud or self-seeking, it doesn't keep records of wrongs, it doesn't get angered easily or delight in evil, because it always rejoices in truth.  Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and preserves.

I was sort of dumbfounded- how do I love like that when my wife left and became ultra-hostile?  In time though, I realized that love is not a two-way commitment, I am supposed to love regardless, even when I'm not loved in return.  And as I studied BPD and realized how disordered my wife's thinking was, what she must have gone through in silence (or sudden bursts of rage), I was able to find compassion for her.

Talking with my BPD daughter has helped a ton as well; we've become very close because I was able to forgive her for everything...which wasn't at all easy.  But it dawned on me one day that being mad at her is like being mad at the weather...it's going to be unpredictable at times but you're going to have to deal with it regardless, LOL.  Once I was able to regain her trust, she told me that throughout her childhood, the thing she wanted most of all was my approval and she never understood why I couldn't give it.  Now she gets it though, I was fighting for her, I was always on her side while she was lashing out at the world and making horrible decisions.

The change with my kid happened because I just stopped arguing, forgave her, and told her I wanted a different relationship.  That's really all it took to erase a decade of chaos between us.  So once I was finally able to, I said something similar to my wife- I'm sorry for everything that's happened, and I want you to know that I forgive you. 

After that, things slowly started to change in our communications- her hostility was gone and many times, she'd talk in a tone barely above a whisper while doing her best to avoid eye contact.  I'm not sure if it was shame, guilt, or what she was feeling, but we eventually got back to pretty normal conversations.  She'll still avoid me for a week or two and then call out of the blue over something dumb, and afterwards we'll talk for 10-15 minutes about life or family.  That's fine with me though since I've decided to move on. 

I hope that helps a little!

[SaltyDawg]

Pook,

I agree with you.

1st Corinthians 13 talks about love and says that it's patient and kind, it's not proud or self-seeking, it doesn't keep records of wrongs, it doesn't get angered easily or delight in evil, because it always rejoices in truth.  Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and preserves.

That is the very definition of radical acceptance.


I realized that love is not a two-way commitment, I am supposed to love regardless, even when I'm not loved in return.  And as I studied BPD and realized how disordered my wife's thinking was, what she must have gone through in silence (or sudden bursts of rage), I was able to find compassion for her.

I too have come to a similar realization, in addition to compassion, I also have sympathy and empathy too.


But it dawned on me one day that being mad at her is like being mad at the weather...it's going to be unpredictable at times but you're going to have to deal with it regardless, LOL.

I really like this analogy, it really resonates with me.


I hope that helps a little!

It has helped a lot more than you know.  Keep on sharing your story and insights with everyone, it is greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

Take care with self-care.