Hi MontieCat59;
This is a really painful part of having a pwBPD in your life, especially as your kids' other parent. It would mean so much if others saw what was going on, not just for personal validation, but to have someone have a voice into their life. I think it's wise of you to realize that your kids' mom isn't in a place where you can get through to her, and so it makes sense that you're trying to think of who can.
There is a core shame component to BPD. Imagine getting called out at work in front of other people, for something you messed up. It doesn't feel good. We feel hot and sweaty, uncomfortable, and we really want it not to be our fault. We don't want our coworkers to see that we screwed up. But -- maybe we can take a little responsibility and offer a plan for how it'll be different moving forward. Not fun, but we can cope.
It isn't that way for pwBPD, as far as I can tell. The shame is so huge that it is crushing. There is no taking responsibility, no plan for moving forward, just that "messed up at work" experience X100, with no end in sight. Anyone in that position, feeling that way, would do anything to stop those feelings of devastating shame.
When someone points out to a pwBPD "hey... you know, it sounds like you aren't doing too well... sounds like there's conflict... do you think you can pull it together?", instead of experiencing that as a 4 out of 10, where it's not great but it's survivable, a pwBPD might experience that as a 10 out of 10 -- life or death, do anything to not be the problem. And, given that many pwBPD fear being abandoned/alone, if she's in that position with a community member who's basically saying "you know, I heard there's conflict between you and MontieCat, can you maybe tone it down", she may have no compunction about throwing you under the bus to preserve her place in the community -- to not be abandoned and shamed by the community.
All that to say -- it can be difficult for there to be a person in a pwBPD's life who has their ear. Typically, it can take many months for a therapist to build a trusting alliance where the pwBPD feels listened to, understood, and not blamed -- only then can the mirror start to get turned around. This is hard stuff when all you want is for her to get help.
What she's doing isn't okay. She's really struggling and it's coming out in destructive ways. If you want the community to be able to have a voice into her life, it may take unintuitive moves to preserve that -- instead of "outing" her to the community (which may lead to her doubling down on her emotionally convincing stance that you are abusive and you are the problem), I wonder if staying compassionate may be more effective:
"Thanks for asking how we're doing. I think Ms MontieCat is having a difficult time. Compassion and empathy for our family would be really appreciated."
"It's hard for me to ask for help, but would you [pray for, think positively towards, meditate on, whatever is fitting] our family? I could use some wisdom right now."
"I know you may hear things about what's going on between me and Ms MontieCat. Whenever you have a question about something you heard I said or did, please reach out -- I'm happy to share my perspective."
"We're in a season where we're struggling. What I wish for the most is wise people to care about and have a voice into my W's life -- really, into all of our lives."
This helps you stay out of the
drama triangle where you get forced into the "persecutor" role when your W occupies the "victim" role and recruits community members into the "rescuer" roles. That just polarizes things. When you can stay neutral and move to the center, that defangs her ability to turn the community against you. Stay above it -- certainly you don't have to "not say anything" but it is really true that over time, those with eyes to see will see who she is. It's hard to play the long game but people who want to see the truth will see it.
...
This doesn't mean not to work, in parallel, on the legal side of things. I think I read your children are younger? They may need you to step up your efforts to keep them safe. Right now your W sounds like she isn't thinking clearly, and she's also taking the lead on divorce and separation. Of course, if you don't want a divorce, don't do the work for her, but sometimes your hand gets forced, and it's better to have done research and made connections ahead of time, and never to need them, than to be caught off-guard and have no plan for moving forward.
Have you consulted with any lawyers yet? Those would be who to show the manic texts and the abusive screenshots -- not the community.
This is hard stuff. I know it isn't what you wanted for your marriage.
It's still possible to "work" the tools and skills here (like
BIFF communication, declining to
JADE, and learning about
safety planning), so that no matter what she's doing or what frame of mind she's in, you are doing your part not to add fuel to the fire. Maybe that goes back to your original question -- how can you make things better given the situation you're in. You've been pondering involving community members, yet my gut feeling is that for any of them to have an authentic reach into her life, it has to originate in them, not you. That's where playing the long game, staying neutral and out of the drama triangle, and working in parallel on protecting your kids may be a more effective path.
Lots to think about. You know her best, so you'll know what out of those ideas would work for your situation and what wouldn't.
How have the last couple of days been?
