Sleep

[dtkm]

My uBPDh goes in cycles where about once every 10 ish days he can't sleep.  He usually won't sleep for 2 or 3 days, staying up all night watching movies on the couch.  These episodes usually go hand in hand with his episodes of not being nice, or should I say him splitting, at least me, black, him not acting like he is 100% with it/there, and him eating a lot of food (like a whole family sized package of Oreos or 5 bags of snack sized chips...or both!) when he is very body conscious and during normal times eats very clean and works out very hard.  These episodes have extended out pretty substantially, as they used to be once every couple of days, resulting in him not sleeping more days than him sleeping.  He does not take well to me making any suggestions to him about anything that could possibly be "wrong" with him or any "fixes" to medical "problems" for him or my stepdaughter who has several medical problems (I am in the medical field and feel like I could contribute a good amount of information and suggestions, but anything I say often is taken as threatening that I know more about the subject, so I don't even go there any more).  He has tried several different OTC meds to help him sleep, some work some of the time, but most of the time nothing.  When he brought it up to me the other day, I did mention to him that I thought that he should mention it to his primary care doctor, which he said he thought was a good idea that he hadn't thought of.  But...so far nothing!  And...I don't see him actually taking this step!  Surprise surprise, when this happens, if I cuddle up with him (and he lets that happen) then he is usually sound asleep snoring within 30 seconds (ok, maybe not that fast, but it is pretty close to it!).  Most times, when this happens, we are in bed, he gets up and goes downstairs without saying a word to me.  If he says something to me, I usually take this as an opportunity to ask him if he wants me to go with him and thus we usually cuddle up and he is fast asleep the second we hit the couch.  When he leaves our room without a word, I don't know what to do.  I have tried going down to lay with him, I have tried waiting an hour or so and then going downstairs and I have tried giving him space.  Sometimes going down to lay with him helps (and helps break the tension he has created between us), but often times he noticeably does not want to lay with me.  My question is, what do I do in this situation?  I want to honor him "asking for space" by leaving the room, but I also feel like sometimes this is a test of does she actually love me?  Last night, I decided not to go downstairs, to give him his space.  When I went downstairs to get my and the kids stuff ready for work (I leave for work early in the morning), he was laying on the couch where there is not much space for more than one person.  I played it cool, saying good morning and that I was sorry that he didn't sleep, the only response I got was "good morning" in a monotone voice.  I then kissed him on the forehead and went back up to finish getting ready.  When I came back downstairs, he had moved to the bigger part of the couch and was half asleep.  If I didn't have to go to work, then I probably would have laid down with him, but since I had to go to work, I did so, sent him a loving text around the time that I believed that he would get up for work and got a pretty distant reply!  I will continue to reach out, but also give space, but would love suggestions as to thoughts about this!  Thanks all!!             

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[kells76]

Hi dtkm;

If I'm reading correctly, the core issue for you right now is this:

If he says something to me, I usually take this as an opportunity to ask him if he wants me to go with him and thus we usually cuddle up and he is fast asleep the second we hit the couch.

When he leaves our room without a word, I don't know what to do.  I have tried going down to lay with him, I have tried waiting an hour or so and then going downstairs and I have tried giving him space.  Sometimes going down to lay with him helps (and helps break the tension he has created between us), but often times he noticeably does not want to lay with me. 

My question is, what do I do in this situation?  I want to honor him "asking for space" by leaving the room, but I also feel like sometimes this is a test of does she actually love me?

Last night, I decided not to go downstairs, to give him his space.  When I went downstairs to get my and the kids stuff ready for work (I leave for work early in the morning), he was laying on the couch where there is not much space for more than one person.  I played it cool, saying good morning and that I was sorry that he didn't sleep, the only response I got was "good morning" in a monotone voice.  I then kissed him on the forehead and went back up to finish getting ready.  When I came back downstairs, he had moved to the bigger part of the couch and was half asleep.  If I didn't have to go to work, then I probably would have laid down with him, but since I had to go to work, I did so, sent him a loving text around the time that I believed that he would get up for work and got a pretty distant reply!  I will continue to reach out, but also give space, but would love suggestions as to thoughts about this!  Thanks all!!             

So when he explicitly verbally communicates to you "hey, would you come with me", that works OK for you. It's pretty clear and you can work with that.

The issue for you is when he doesn't explicitly verbally communicate something to you -- is that right?

And you're wondering -- even if he doesn't say something, should I still... do something?