Does your parent invent things for attention?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm wondering how common this is.

I've noticed that my father keeps inventing bad news or stories to garner sympathy, pity or attention. This includes, but isn't limited to:

• Exaggerating things like routine doctor's appointments: "I am so scared, they're going to find I have cancer" when he's in perfect health
• Telling wildly skewed versions of stories: "Everyone in my life has always betrayed me"
• Inventing health scares: "I was in so much pain I could not move" when he was fine
• Milking other people's problems for pity: "My wife has gone depressed and crazy and I have to deal with it alone"; "My mother had a fall and I am the only one taking care of her"
• And most recently and concerningly, completely inventing people: "An uncle I loved a lot died this weekend, the funeral is on Friday" (he seems to have an awful lot of beloved uncles and cousins I have never heard a word of before)

It all strikes me as very lurid, and I wonder whether other people's parents – perhaps particularly older ones – do this too.

Most gratingly, the following day, it seems he has completely forgotten what he has claimed – unless the event causes him persisting anxiety (such as a doctor's appointment two weeks out), then he will harp on that spiel till the cows come home.

I've also noticed he's been dialling up the drama the more I've been withdrawing my attention. At first it was "pains". Then it was "cancer". I stopped playing and he reacted in anger. I didn't enter into an argument. Now it seems he's trying to come up with more and more drastic ways to elicit sympathy: His "mother is about to die". His "uncle" has already died. His "wife is about to divorce" him. And so on and so forth.

Bizarrely, once one probes further, he eventually retorts with: "Ah, it's nothing serious. It will blow over." A complete 180° from his previous waify, complaining self.

I also wonder how to navigate this since I don't even know what to believe anymore. Any advice?

[Sappho11]

I'm wondering how common this is.

I've noticed that my father keeps inventing bad news or stories to garner sympathy, pity or attention. This includes, but isn't limited to:

• Exaggerating things like routine doctor's appointments: "I am so scared, they're going to find I have cancer" when he's in perfect health
• Telling wildly skewed versions of stories: "Everyone in my life has always betrayed me"
• Inventing health scares: "I was in so much pain I could not move" when he was fine
• Milking other people's problems for pity: "My wife has gone depressed and crazy and I have to deal with it alone"; "My mother had a fall and I am the only one taking care of her"
• And most recently and concerningly, completely inventing people: "An uncle I loved a lot died this weekend, the funeral is on Friday" (he seems to have an awful lot of beloved uncles and cousins I have never heard a word of before)

It all strikes me as very lurid, and I wonder whether other people's parents – perhaps particularly older ones – do this too.

Most gratingly, the following day, it seems he has completely forgotten what he has claimed – unless the event causes him persisting anxiety (such as a doctor's appointment two weeks out), then he will harp on that spiel till the cows come home.

I've also noticed he's been dialling up the drama the more I've been withdrawing my attention. At first it was "pains". Then it was "cancer". I stopped playing and he reacted in anger. I didn't enter into an argument. Now it seems he's trying to come up with more and more drastic ways to elicit sympathy: His "mother is about to die". His "uncle" has already died. His "wife is about to divorce" him. And so on and so forth.

Bizarrely, once one probes further, he eventually retorts with: "Ah, it's nothing serious. It will blow over." A complete 180° from his previous waify, complaining self.

I also wonder how to navigate this since I don't even know what to believe anymore. Any advice?

[Older sister]

My elderly mother will pick up on issues that upset me, and will probe to see whether she can get a reaction. She often does this by implying that my other sibling is abusing her, which is rich because this sister works hard to take care of her needs ( mom is in nursing home.) When I look back on these episodes, I realize that she speaks with a certain voice, and is almost coy as she tells me these whoppers. Takes me days to reregulate, and to have the correct view of what’s really going on. A third sister, who has gone no contact recently, told me of these weird exchanges between her and my mom. My sister, who has mental health issues, felt that my mom was trying to kill her with cruel barbs. Now I know what she was talking about—I am now the focus for this damaging attention seeking behaviour.

[Sappho11]

My elderly mother will pick up on issues that upset me, and will probe to see whether she can get a reaction. She often does this by implying that my other sibling is abusing her, which is rich because this sister works hard to take care of her needs ( mom is in nursing home.) When I look back on these episodes, I realize that she speaks with a certain voice, and is almost coy as she tells me these whoppers. Takes me days to reregulate, and to have the correct view of what’s really going on. A third sister, who has gone no contact recently, told me of these weird exchanges between her and my mom. My sister, who has mental health issues, felt that my mom was trying to kill her with cruel barbs. Now I know what she was talking about—I am now the focus for this damaging attention seeking behaviour.

I am sorry to hear. That is a terrible experience that you shouldn't have to go through.

The "almost coyness" stands out to me. My BPD ex was like that too – almost like he was trying to hide a smile while lying. Also speaking more slowly to construct the lie. I wonder if he knew that he wasn't telling the truth.

My father on the other hand doesn't smile but one can tell exactly when his recounts drift into the realm of fiction. However he doesn't seem to be conscious of it himself. He also constructs things a lot faster than my ex. I suppose it's no surprise, seeing as he's had at least four more decades of experience...

[Notwendy]

My elderly mother will pick up on issues that upset me, and will probe to see whether she can get a reaction. She often does this by implying that my other sibling is abusing her, which is rich because this sister works hard to take care of her needs ( mom is in nursing home.) When I look back on these episodes, I realize that she speaks with a certain voice, and is almost coy as she tells me these whoppers. Takes me days to reregulate, and to have the correct view of what’s really going on.

Mine too- the voice- I can tell by the voice on the phone that she's doing this. In person there's a smirk on her face when she knows she's succeeded. If it's with me, I have a creepy feeling. It also takes me some time to feel regulated after I have contact with her.

[zachira]

My BPD mother who is deceased did invent things for attention. She also could not be who she was and had little capacity for growing as a person.

[Methuen]

My mom does this too.  It’s her normal.  I don’t think she is aware she is doing it, because in her world, “because she thinks it, it’s a fact”.

She has had so many people she knows “near death”.
Later I find out they may have an an injury or illness, but otherwise they are fine.

Her thinking is like her emotions. Everything with her is an extreme.  If someone is ill, they are near death.  If she is feeling hurt, she rages instead of self regulating.  Extremes.

[BigWideWorld]

My mum is everything that every one of you has described in this thread.

It's so exhausting because there's just no help out there  to help them break the cycle.

[zachira]

BigWideWorld,
It is so exhausting and they don't get help. I see the biggest problem as the world is full of people who enable them. I have been in shell shock for a long time over how many people enable disordered people. What would it be like if our disordered family members were consistently and constantly called out? It doesn't happen because our disordered family members know who they can manipulate to keep the dirty  secret of how they abuse their closest family members, especially their children, oftentimes mostly behind closed doors.

[Methuen]

Zachira, you make a very good point.

[BigWideWorld]

Absolutely Zachira, I get frustrated by aunt at times because my mum is absolutely terrible to her when she feels like it, she'll say nasty things about my aunt's late husband that she also lost just shy of a year after my dad died - I tell her not to ring my mum so often when she's like that, pull back from her...but she fears the consequences even more of doing that so she enables her instead. My aunt does a lot of volunteering work for our local health service and my mum tends to hate it and I explain to my aunt time and again that it's jealously because my mum hasn't got the gumption to go and do things like that. My mum hates helping herself, this year I have got her things for xmas to make her life easier and like always I just know she'll not use them just to spite us all.

it's like I am the only one with the strength to pull back and keep a safe boundary but because my aunt and brother don't i end up looking like the neglectful one. My brother does go overseas on filming trips for work so he does get his escapes and by god at times has he needed it because she has really messed him up on a few occasions since our dad died. Me giving myself a level of space from her gave me some opportunities to process the grief of losing my dad but she never gave my brother the chance to really grieve for him because it was all about her wanting to kill herself - that messed him up.

The way I see it, you have to protect yourself, you can't let them play games with you and mess your head up and the reality is they will keep doing it for as long as you give them the opportunity.

[zachira]

BigWideWorld,
Yes, you absolutely have to protect yourself. How to do that? Not so easy when the abuse is from our mother, the person who was supposed to love her children unconditionally. Many of us stay and help our elderly mentally ill mothers because we feel that this is what reflects our values. If this weren't our mother, we would have walked away a long time ago and gone no contact. If we are going to be involved with a mother who abuses us, we have to find ways to deal with her that limit how much our mental health is impacted not only now but in the future. Every incidence of abuse is something our body and mind records, and contributes to ongoing Complex PTSD symptoms. What are you doing to limit the emotional pain and damage that your mother is currently inflicting on you? No right or wrong answers here. We are all a work in progress on this site, as we learn how to not take personally the abuse and to heal from it, many of us with this abusive mother still in our lives. My mother with BPD is deceased. Having her gone, has given me the freedom to have empathy for her mental illness. I feel deep sorrow for the children of mothers with BPD who have to constantly look for new ways to deal with the never ending abuse from their mothers.

[BigWideWorld]

I protect myself by not having too close a relationship with her, I live a 72 mile round trip from her so I tend to spend every third saturday with her. I don't phone her very often in between because if I talk to her too often the calling hell out of other family members would start or suicide talk or god knows what else.  Trouble is that when she goes into dark modes my aunt especially doesn't pull back and so tells me how bad things are. No word of a lie during times like that I have nightmares about my mother at night! I can remember being that terrified kid that sometimes was petrified of my dad going to work and leaving me alone with her.

The other thing about growing up with a mother like her is that there are so many aunts uncles and cousins you never had a relationship with because she fell out witrh her siblings continously, I didn't see my grandparents for years at a time because of her fall outs with them. I am glad that my partner and I never wanted kids because that would have made life more complicated! I like to keep distant from her, it's sad that it has to be like that but they are blind to their own behaviours that make it that way.

[Empath4Sufferers]

People with BPD really do "perceive" their thoughts to be true. According to scientific research studies, doing it for attention is actually not their intent, rather their fears spill out all over the place. I understand it is frustrating for you, but you need to remember to first take a break, and to not invalidate people with BPD. Invalidation only leads to more harm for both the person with BPD and yourself.

[zanyapple]

This is all very familiar to me:

- My mother recently had a very bad eye infection. While this was a serious issue, she keeps saying that she is "afraid bacteria will travel to her brain and cause her death." At this point, it has been over a year, so while her eye has been permanently damaged, there is no more bacteria unless bacteria gets into her eye again because of poor hygiene or whatever
- My mother has always been the perpetual victim. She just happens to be unlucky to be stuck with a "terrible husband" and "crappy daughter"
- My mother says, "my friend told me..." I don't know who this friend is. As far as I know, my mother has isolated herself from the rest of the world and has only one friend that exists

[SaltyDawg]

People with BPD really do "perceive" their thoughts to be true. According to scientific research studies, doing it for attention is actually not their intent, rather their fears spill out all over the place. I understand it is frustrating for you, but you need to remember to first take a break, and to not invalidate people with BPD. Invalidation only leads to more harm for both the person with BPD and yourself.

pwBPD do believe their own lies (false narrative) to be true.  They must make their genuine feelings match the fabricated facts since there is a disconnect from facts that to not support their feelings.  I see this almost on a daily basis with my uBPDw.

I am currently learning to use ER - Empathic Response (a.k.a. Active Listening).

According to a google search, this article tops this list on this topic:  https://thriveworks.com/blog/empathic-responding-active-listening-counseling

Highlights

  Therapists possess and utilize many skills, but a very important response for them to master within their practice is empathetic responding or active listening.

  Empathic responding is when the counselor clearly communicates the feeling their client has expressed, as well as why they possess those feelings (again, according to the client).

  Though it may sound like reflective listening, they differ in that empathic responding doesn’t always reflect both feeling and content.

While I don't recommend becoming a counselor; however, I do find some of the communication techniques to be very beneficial.

To effectively communicate with a pwBPD, while in an episode, throw out the facts (content) and focus exclusively on validating the feelings.  If it still escalates, then go back to 'do not JADE'.

As always, take care with self-care.

SD


 

[Older sister]

Another run-in with my uBPD waif mom recently. We were having a lovely conversation about faith, and she starts talking about my estranged brother. She said that she’d tried to get my father to take interest in my younger brother as a young child, to no avail. My mom also had trouble relating to my brother as a warm, caring parent (actually to any of us, tbh.) She then calmly explained that he’d been conceived after my father violently raped her, with their three toddlers (me included) in the next room. She had declined to join him in an early evening visit next door at her in-laws. When he came back, he apparently taught her a lesson. My father has been dead five years and I have worked hard to accept that he was both a wonderful, and awful domineering scary father.  She’d  never disclosed this before, which is surprising because I was parentified as her   “counsellor,” since I was old enough to listen to her woes (8? 10?).
Now she drops this on me, while my heart is wide open, in a conversation about Christian faith! I wondered if it could be true, and unfortunately, it’s entirely plausible. I remember worrying about my little brother, depressed at age 10 cause it was obvious to me that his parents had NO time for him. Ugh. Sick FOO dynamics!
Time for a visit to my counselor…