Anyone else tired of being judged by professionals who don’t understand BPD?

[Winter7399]

Hi all,

I’m feeling frustrated right now because I’m feeling so unsupported by the professionals involved with my 17 year old daughter.

They all choose to use neurotypical teens to compare her level of privileges and judge me for being too involved.

Her social worker has just been assigned and should have access to all of her medical, legal and school records which would show shocking levels of poor decision making and dangerous behavioural issues. However, she thinks I’m being ‘too strict’ when I tell my daughter she must let me know where she is going after school as ‘most 17 year olds wouldn’t have to do this’. Last year, my daughter drank herself unconscious 70% of the time she went out so I do need to know where to start looking if she doesn’t return.

My daughter has agreed to go on birth control temporarily but they asked her to call at 8am. She wouldn’t get out of bed, so I called for her, waited in the queue for 20 mins and then woke her up when it was her turn. She was embarrassed to talk to them about it so she didn’t say much and this have given them the impression that I’m ’forcing her’ when in reality, I can’t even make her clean her room

I call her school every day to confirm she is there. 50% of the time she is not and I need to know how much of a head start she has and how far away she can be so I can report to the police asap. The school are clearly tired of having to check this for me and are getting frustrated.

I know I enable thing's to an extent as I do too much  and I’m trying to stop doing that but she is still a child and so I will still do the things that are important or safety issues as she will not do these things on her own.

I feel like people who haven’t been on the receiving end of the lies and manipulation believe I’m too involved and those that have, believe I’ve done a poor job of raising and disciplining her.

Anyone else feel the same?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

My dx daughter is now 26, so I don't feel this so directly anymore, so there's that - if it's any consolation - eventually it will be your child's responsibility to deal with the issues. Anyway, when my daughter was a teen I definitely felt misunderstood by everyone who dealt with my daughter. I know I wasn't a perfect parent, and who would be given our circumstances? But hear tell some of those involved would have just as soon painted me as the bad guy was not helpful and was very harmful to MY mental health. A good therapist for you, that is knowledgeable about BPD, would help YOU. Not all therapists are schooled in BPD or understand the dynamics, so it takes a lot to find a good one. 

[Tangled mangled]

Winter7399,
You have a lot on your plate. Just here to support you and say keep your head up. It doesn’t matter what the professionals think about you.
As someone who works in healthcare, I can see and understand the problems you describe.
When a parent walks into a healthcare setting with a teen, as a professional, the goal is to maintain patient autonomy but this is difficult for persons especially teens with bpd. Parents usually jump in to give a history and micromanage the situation because the patient is so unreliable and you as the parent will be forced to take over, and this then appears controlling.
I wonder if your dear daughter has been assessed for ADHD? You mentioned neurotypical teen. I also think in terms of contraception she should be considered for an implant, if she is acting out and running away constantly.this should minimise the fear of unplanned pregnancy
Since she’s almost 18, will it help you to take a step back from caretaking and allow her to face some of the consequence of her actions. Eg not calling the school so often, maybe every other day or so when you feel concerned. Creating an emotional distraction or distance from this awful situation by doing something instead to care for yourself.
My children are preteens and boys so I guess I can’t fully appreciate the fear and worry that you are experiencing.

[Sancho]

Hi Winter73998
It is a lonely road that's for sure! I haven't really come across a health or allied professional that has any idea whatsoever. I felt like I was screaming through a thick glass wall most of the time.

There is such a qualitative difference between usual teen stuff and BPD teen stuff. We walk on a knife edge just trying to help our child stay alive. I"ve been there with appointments etc too. I am highly anxious at the moment because dd has a medical appointment next Wednesday - will she keep it? Will she even be here? Probably not. By the time Wednesday arrives I will be exhausted.

It's Dec 1 here - and will be counting down with you till the 19th.