How exactly can I help?

[zanyapple]

The past couple of years have been a nightmare. My uBPD mother suffered from an unknown eye infection that caused severe damage to her left eye. I believe she's only able to see 80% from it now, but she is still able to drive and do normal, day to day things.

She has been quite unhappy with the few doctors she's seen in our home country, so she has been asking for help from my aunt (her sister) who is in Chicago as well as a friend of hers in California. Both people have apparently promised her that she can live with them.

So recently, my mom has been begging for me to sponsor her for a green card. My aunt and her friend have apparently been telling her that she can be seen at a public hospital in the US requiring little to no payment. From what I've researched, while this was true many years ago, Medicare is now required and she is ineligible because she has no work history. In 5 years, she may be eligible, but she has to work/pay taxes into it, but for the time being, she has to pay for its premiums out of pocket.

I told her I don't have the financial means to pay for her health insurance. From what I've researched, it's ~$500/mo if you have minimal work history, so I imagine that being way more for someone who has zero work history. But now she changed her tune and said she would still LOVE to move even if she didn't have any health insurance at all. I know that for my mom, she's always had an American Dream for as long as I can remember, that all her problems will go away in the US. But if she were to move here without insurance, I'm worried about other implications. What if she gets sick and my aunt sends her to the hospital? What if my aunt or her friend wants her to move out? What if she runs out of money? Honestly, I don't even know if she has a financial plan other than to use the money she's saved over the years. There's too many unknowns and I'm afraid I'll regret if I made this decision.

She was talking to my aunt 2 days ago. But today, my aunt apparently "is no longer responding." This has happened before though, where my aunt's responses have been delayed only really because she's either busy or has gone on a trip with her husband. But then my mom sent me a message saying, "Your aunt no longer calls me. I'm very worried. Where do I go now?" Like seriously?! Even this triggers me because this has already happened before and it seems like she hasn't learned from that? Should I respond?

I've told her to seek therapy before, but she dismissed me saying, "she has a healthy mind and body"... only to tell me a few days later that her friend told her "to seek psychiatric help because she may have depression."

But I ask myself - if I had the financial means, would I still help her? I'm leaning towards no, but am I doing this to spite her? What exactly do I want? I don't know... I struggle to feel motivated to assist someone who has significantly caused so much negativity and stress in my life.

Often times, I wish she weren't my mother. I wish she didn't contact my anymore.

[TelHill]

Hello zanyapple,

It's human to wish to help a relative with a health condition improve.  She can see and drive without problem though.  80% loss of vision in one eye is not great but she can thrive without treatment. She can see and drive. That's really good.

I can think of much worse conditions which would warrant a humanitarian trip to a foreign country to correct a cleft palate for a child or a life-saving surgery for a terminal cancer patient. I know you know her request will not be taken seriously by a charity or a foreign government.

My dBPD mother has a way of creating a sense of urgency and drama to make her desire seem like it has to accomplished now or something awful will happen. You have no way of knowing if her vision loss is real, if her anxiety is making her believe it, or if she's fabricating it.

I'd suggest playing devil's advocate about her request and the consequences it could have in your life.

Lastly, she has to want really want therapy on her own to make it stick. My dBPD mother shuns therapy but takes px pills for depression. Her problems according to her is depression runs in her family and she got stuck with a dud husband/ungrateful kids. Many with BPD don't seem to want treatment for it.

I hope you do what's good for you!

[Sappho11]

To answer the question of the thread: You can't. Even if you could wave a magic wand that would magically transport your mother to the US, give her perfect health coverage, even restore her eyesight to 20-20, she would likely find something else to be miserable about the very next day.

What you describe is a common occurrence with pwBPD: they catastrophise, especially when it concerns themselves. My father did the same thing. Every single routine medical checkup was prefaced by weeks and weeks of drowning everyone in self-pity about how the doctors were going to find cancer, and he would certainly die. He has no history of any kind of ailment (which is quite remarkable at 73 – ill weeds do grow apace), yet he was constantly convinced to be at death's door. He would also invent pains and ailments to garner sympathy. When pity or attention wasn't forthcoming, he'd fly into a rage or find another way to start an argument.

Another thing that strikes me as remarkable in your scenario is that your mother immediately drops the notion of Medicare once she realises it's not attainable, and shifts the goal post to something she thinks might be. You are thinking of all sorts of sound, logical reservations which don't even cross her mind – it is you and you alone who is already doing all the emotional work in this story, even though your mother is an adult and could well do it herself. I'm guilty of this myself but I have to ask, is it fair? Is she pulling her weight in this story? I think not. It is you and you alone who is left with the intellectual and emotional work behind this enterprise, and I don't think that is fair on you.

Finally, please be very, very wary of financial entanglements. I was nearly drawn into one myself recently when I emigrated and found my (presumed, not official) father after thirty years. For months, he was pushing me to go through with an official legalisation of paternity, and as quickly as possible. In the process of researching this, I discovered that this country has extremely strict laws regarding parental care – children are obliged to pay for their parents' (and even in-laws') livelihood, and regardless of their own income. In other words, the state here can force you into abject poverty in order to sustain your parents financially. Even after I knew this, I still considered going through with the legalisation out of a sense of obligation. This can be a vicious, irredeemable trap.

I'm going to tell you what people on the board (and trusted friends in real life) told me: Before you commit to anything, wait and see. Give it at least six months. You don't have to rack your brains about this matter every day, just let things unfold. Maybe your mother will drop the entire thing by herself. From what you are stating, you are already having serious reservations. This is your intuition speaking, your early warning system sounding the alarm. Don't disregard it completely. It's there to protect you. If you have qualms and you don't know why, there is probably a good reason for them that will become obvious later.

In my case it turned out that my presumed father, at first all sweet and charming, was only after my money. He discarded me the very minute he realised his little plan wasn't going to work out. Had I given in to his pushiness, I would have set myself up for a lifetime of financial and other misery. I don't think that's necessarily the case with you and your mom, but it's certainly worth considering a worst case scenario and reflecting on whether you could still live happily if it came to pass. If the answer is no – save yourself. You deserve a life of happiness, of living free of worry, of being cherished and appreciated by good, dependable people. You are not obliged to sacrifice your own happiness for anyone, least of all someone who actively makes your life miserable, deliberate or not.

[zanyapple]

My dBPD mother has a way of creating a sense of urgency and drama to make her desire seem like it has to accomplished now or something awful will happen. You have no way of knowing if her vision loss is real, if her anxiety is making her believe it, or if she's fabricating it.

What is happening to her? At first, she was freaking out because of the green card sponsorship. When I declined, she is now switching to different topics.

We visited a couple weeks ago and stayed at my condo (we have since returned to the US). Typically, the housekeeper comes every month, but now she is saying that I have not sent payment to her for the housekeeper. When I told her I did, she is now asking for help for her eye surgery. I immediately sent money to help cover this, but now she is saying she wants to come to the US on her tourist visa and have my aunt see if she could get free medication. She's jumping to a variety of different issues and has been texting/calling me incessantly. I think she's going out of her mind even more.

I'd suggest playing devil's advocate about her request and the consequences it could have in your life.

What would be the best response to her green card sponsorship request (or demand)? I told her it's not financially possible, but she is now findings ways to try to materialize this by saying she is going to live with my aunt or her friend, so it doesn't burden me too much. I was trying to make it sound like "this has nothing to do with her," but she's looking for workarounds.

These two people are also trying to convince her that she can, in fact, get free health care in the US as long as I sponsor her. While people may have been able to game the system over a decade ago, this is no longer true. But even if it were, I still do not want to sponsor her because I know at some point, she will need care and it will be more affordable in my country. But really, it's hard to help someone who is so unpleasant to be around and who doesn't see how unpleasant she is.

[zanyapple]

He has no history of any kind of ailment (which is quite remarkable at 73 – ill weeds do grow apace)

This is very true. There is also a very similar saying in my country.

I'm going to tell you what people on the board (and trusted friends in real life) told me: Before you commit to anything, wait and see. Give it at least six months. You don't have to rack your brains about this matter every day, just let things unfold

She calls and texts me incessantly every day. The calls are one after another, minute after minute. Is it normal to get triggered by this? I don't think what I'm feeling is annoyance - more like, it just makes me angry how she doesn't even see how abnormal that is. Any normal person would wait for a return call. I had 9 missed calls all within 5 minutes. Is it also normal for me to have this "pit in stomach" feeling every time I see her name flashing on my screen? I seriously dread talking to her because it will ruin not just one day, but multiple days.

[livednlearned]

Oh my goodness, yes it's normal to be triggered by that level of need! Your response is in the normal range -- her behaviors are beyond.

When my uBPD stepdaughter is dysregulated, she'll send dozens of texts in a row. Then she calls. She'll do this with all family members until she gets someone on the phone. Often she is spinning out because she's alone and cannot tolerate the feelings she's experiencing. Or something interpersonal happened at work and she feels slighted or shunned or disrespected, and is panicking. Sometimes she texts incessantly because she's experiencing somatic issues.

Can you pinpoint what the dread is about for you?

[zanyapple]

Can you pinpoint what the dread is about for you?

It's having to respond to her. She will follow up on her green card sponsorship, but me declining is an unacceptable answer. Then this will escalate into other things.

But even without the green card topic, every interaction with her escalates into fights, then it ruins my day for the next few days. But just as my feelings become more calm, she pops back in.

I just don't want to have to be looped into this perpertual drama anymore.

[Sappho11]

She calls and texts me incessantly every day. The calls are one after another, minute after minute. Is it normal to get triggered by this? I don't think what I'm feeling is annoyance - more like, it just makes me angry how she doesn't even see how abnormal that is. Any normal person would wait for a return call. I had 9 missed calls all within 5 minutes. Is it also normal for me to have this "pit in stomach" feeling every time I see her name flashing on my screen? I seriously dread talking to her because it will ruin not just one day, but multiple days.

I second livednlearned's opinion. You're having a normal reaction to someone else's highly abnormal behaviour.

I was in the same boat – pit in the stomach when seeing my father's name flash up on screen etc. I turned off notifications for his messages only and that helped a lot. That way, I could check his messages whenever I was up to it (generally once or twice a day at night). It was beneficial because it meant I didn't get sucked into arguments that ended up blowing over by the time I read his message. Also my day wasn't broken up by a dozen cortisol rushes and frazzled thinking.

Unfortunately he found other ways to start arguments, especially over email. I told him I needed a break because I currently have problems to sort out, and he pretty much told me to never write again. It was a shock initially, but it's been bit over a week and it is PEACE. I'm glad it went this way because I'd never have had the guts to go completely NC myself. Honestly I never want to communicate with him again. The increase in quality of life since his absence is incredible.