Middle of divorce confused

[SaltyDawg]

Well went to our hearing.  She took the stand and lied, don't know that there is any coming back from that on my end.  I have broken off all communication and she is just moved out.  Is that how this ends?  Many years ago when I used to date,  all girlfriends came back at one time or another, but I don't know about this one.  Is there anything I can expect?  Will she try and rope me back in or is it just done for good?  I have no idea what is next.

Was your attorney able to poke holes into her false narrative on the stand?

You know your wife the best, so you are the one best able to answer those questions.  It sounds like she is taking a 'scorched earth' approach to this.  From what you have described, she is hell bent on making her version of her truth (the lies) conform to her feelings.  The cliche "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" might be appropriate here.

Going NC except the required interaction by your attorney and child care might be appropriate here.  If she is a true borderline, her feelings will take time to re-regulate, give it twice as long as the previous longest dysregulation period, as she has taken it further than before, so it will take longer to re-regulate than before, that is assuming it isn't completely broken - time will tell, but it won't be today.  Hope for the best (she will come back); however, plan for the worst (she will NOT come back).

Did the judge make a ruling - for the moment that will be your best guide on what happens next.

I am sure you are emotionally drained with all of this, be sure to do some self-care for yourself, so you can take care of the children.

Take care.

SD

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dtkm]

I would highly suggest using the app "talking parents" or one like it, if you are able to, to communicate with your wife.  It was mandated for my husband and I (prior to our reconciliation) by our judge and made communication much more pleasant.  Attorneys and judges have access to all communication so can see what is truly said at all moments.

[mikejones75093]

Was your attorney able to poke holes into her false narrative on the stand?

You know your wife the best, so you are the one best able to answer those questions.  It sounds like she is taking a 'scorched earth' approach to this.  From what you have described, she is hell bent on making her version of her truth (the lies) conform to her feelings.  The cliche "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" might be appropriate here.

Going NC except the required interaction by your attorney and child care might be appropriate here.  If she is a true borderline, her feelings will take time to re-regulate, give it twice as long as the previous longest dysregulation period, as she has taken it further than before, so it will take longer to re-regulate than before, that is assuming it isn't completely broken - time will tell, but it won't be today.  Hope for the best (she will come back); however, plan for the worst (she will NOT come back).

Did the judge make a ruling - for the moment that will be your best guide on what happens next.

I am sure you are emotionally drained with all of this, be sure to do some self-care for yourself, so you can take care of the children.

Take care.

SD

Yes we poked all kinds of holes.  They had no evidence, just junk and things that didn't matter.

Started getting very nice texts from her today.  Emailed attorney and responded ruling was in.   Skewed in my favor.

When she's down she's a terrible person, and she looks terrible.   On the swing side when she's up she's amazing and I'm telling you it's a completely different look.  Went to discuss the schedule with her today and she had that look.  I'm so mad at myself,  but I miss her.  First day in an empty house in a very long time.

[mikejones75093]

Does separating and moving into separate places ever work out?  I know this has to be as horrible for her as it is for me.  She's starting to realize everything i did around the house because she's now having to pay people to do it for her.  Also time alone from the kids days at a time for the first time.   She found a new female friend she is mirroring a lot and spending a lot of time with .  I feel like a normal person would say this sucks let's figure it out.  No clue what goes through a bpd mind.

For someone who has a fear of abandonment I just don't get it. 

[kells76]

You will likely have some kind of communication for coparenting, depending on how old your kids are.

It is not uncommon to request that parents use a monitored app such as Talking Parents or Our Family Wizard for coparenting communications. You can ask your L if that is something your judge would likely approve (research it first to make sure it's a good fit for your situation).

After my H's kids' mom met with him in person a few years ago to discuss kid schedule stuff, got it all worked out, then said she was afraid he would abuse the kids, he has declined to meet with her 1x1 or agree to anything verbally since then.

We pivoted to do mostly email and some texting (written record), but after she gave both the kids smartphones and the. (as far as I can tell) gave up on parenting, H now works out the schedule with the kids directly. They are 15.5 & 17.5, so even though Mom "should be" working with dad for the kids' benefit, she doesn't so in order to get stuff done it has to be H working with the kids.

You can start pondering now what kind of structure you want for coparenting communication. Again, for us, written has been better than verbal, and some parents do need the "court monitoring" feature of TP or OFW.