First post. Been married to my BPD husband for almost 25 years. He is in recovery for substance use disorder and recently diagnosed bpd. I have had a feeling that it was bpd for years. News of the diagnosis has really been hard on him and he’s been having deep depression. I just want to make him feel better. I feel like I’m always trying to soften the blow of things in daily life that are triggering for him. I guess that’s walking on eggshells. I’m exhausted.
Hello PittiMama,
Welcome to BPD Family. We are here to listen to you, and also to support you.
It sounds like you have been through hell with your husband and that can be overwhelmingly frustrating.
The good news is that he has a diagnosis, and if he chooses to do so (with your your gentle but firm empathic encouragement) can enter a treatment program for his disorders. Get his substance abuse treated first, and then move on to treating the BPD.
I have several beginner book recommendations for you, and him to read - (these are starter books) to help you deal with these behaviors, especially with communication. These ones are for you.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by By Paul T. T. Mason, Randi Kreger - Make sure you get the 3rd edition, as it has an excellent assessment tool in it.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - this one is the best for managing a person with BPD, or seeing the dynamic on why you would be attracted to a pwBPD - do not let your husband see this one as it has very powerful emotional tools for keeping your pwBPD from ruling your life - if he sees these tools he could turn the tables on you, the other book is okay for him to see.
These books are for him:
I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman - this is the older book, and is more often given to BPD patients.
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman - this is their newer book, a sequel if you may, with more up to date information in it and would also be beneficial for him to read to provide a better understanding of what is going with him.
Tips:
- Since you indicated that you are 'exhausted' please do self-care. You need to 'fill your cup' first, before you can help him with his. It is kind of like the announcements to put your own oxygen mask on first when flying before helping the person next to you with theirs. You need to have enough energy for both yourself and any you have left over can go for caring for him.
- Don't do this alone. Get help, professional therapists cost money, it is well worth the copay if you have insurance. I am talking a therapist for you. If you don't have the ability to pay, I have a list of many free/low cost resources.
If you are looking for BPD specific help, you have this website, BPD family, you can post and ask questions 24/7 here - in my humble opinion this is by far the best resource. NEABPD has also been mentioned, they have a long wait list, but they have a lot of videos. I am a strong believer in self-help resources - like youtube, books, etc.
If you are looking for weekly Zoom meetings specific to BPD, sponsored (but not attended) by Randi Kreger, author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" series of books at
https://groups.io/g/MovingForward - look towards the bottom of that page for the list of Zoom meetings, some are general, others are specific.
If you think you are co-dependent, according to Google 90% of us are, CoDA can be helpful too (CoDA.org), it is not BPD specific.
NAMI has a group is for parents and/or partners (about 3/4 parents) of children with mental health disorders including BPD and other severe mental health issues which share a lot of the same challenges caring for a person with BPD. The group I attend is 'in person' which I find is more authentic than a Zoom meeting or posting messages.
Set strong boundaries on not accepting bad behaviours, especially rages - the "Stop Caretaking" book has some excellent tools for this. Also,
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0 is a series of workshops to help you out as well.
- Since he is 'diagnosed' strongly persuade him to go to his own individual therapy to get this addressed. DBT is considered the 'gold standard'; however, any therapy is generally better than no therapy. Ideally it should be IOP - Intensive OutPatient, where he does one weekly session with an individual therapist, and one group session with other BPD patients (a word of caution, if he has never been in a mental facility, he can pick up worse behaviors by comparing his behaviors to theirs).
Ask questions, get strategies from myself and others who have had similar experiences to your own, figure out what works, and use that.
Take care with self-care.
SD
