Hi thecounterfeiter, glad you're here
First, no worries about this:
Oof. Sorry. I realize this post is rather “stay or leave”y. Please feel free to disregard or delete.
That question does come up even as we wonder about making a relationship better; and, learning and practicing new tools and skills to better a relationship can help us get a better idea of what staying might look like.
Of course, we do have a
"Conflicted about continuing" board, too, if you are leaning more towards "pros and cons of staying/leaving" vs "ready to try new approaches within the relationship". You can take a look at Conflicted and decide if that works better for your situation or not.
Things have been bad for months, and really bad recently. Heaps of criticism about how I don’t care, about how I hate him, about how I’m using him a time filler. I think he’s amazing, and honestly love him and care for him and want to have understanding and closeness between us. Distance and non monogamy certainly complicate things, but I try to stay connected with routine (morning texts), reaching out to set up phone calls, practical help, and little gifts and gifs and such. I worry that this is either projection (maybe he no longer cares for me?) or that this is him pushing me away. He’s recently started a new job in a new city and is under more pressure than ever.
I'm hearing a lot about the effort you're putting in to maintain the relationship.
If you were to put a % on it, roughly, how much of those initiations (reaching out, sending gifts, setting up calls, etc) come from you, and how much come from him?
Has that changed over time, or stayed mostly the same?
I have done so much reading. I have done so much self reflection. I try to communicate. I try to listen. I try to be skillful. But lately there is so much tension and more bad times than good. I feel determined to be a good presence in his life. I want to do right by him as best I can. I know this will never be the relationship it was in the beginning, and I know the relationship will never be balanced and fair. This feels like an okay price of admission for me. I truly adore this man. But right now things are SO BAD, and living through THIS is a price I don’t know I can pay.
I'd be curious to know if you had a feeling or belief that part of the issue is you not doing enough? Or if you just "did it better", things would improve?
What do you think would happen if you... did less? (That's not suggesting "leave the relationship" -- more getting an understanding of who is functioning how and at what levels in the r/s).
Do you have a fear that if you "did less" that things would fall apart?
Is there any hope for repair? Is there any hope that time (as he eases into this new phase of life) will sort things out. Or am I a deluded fool for thinking this can work out.
BPD isn't necessarily a "death sentence" in a relationship. Many members here have come to a workable place, though it's not easy.
One important analogy that could help is that BPD relationships could be considered "special needs" relationships. Just like if we had partners who used wheelchairs, we wouldn't have a baseline expectation of going on rugged hikes together, in a BPD relationship, we may need to reset our baseline expectations of our partners' abilities and limitations.
As you settle in here, take a look at our section of articles on
When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. Would anything from the article on
Codependency and Codependent Relationships fit what you're going through, or not quite?
Fill us in whenever works best for you;
kells76
