Back into No Contact - For Good Pt. 2

[OKrunch]

Link to old thread for reference: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=355982.0

Let me PREFACE this by saying, OVERALL I am doing WAYYYYY Better - For any newbies out there.
IF YOUVE GONE NO-CONTACT YOU MUST ADHERE ENTIRELY TO IT.
Anything else will only prolong your pain.

Okay so this one might end up being a bit long, but I'll keep it as a brief as possible. I seem to be at an impasse of logic versus emotion, over the last few months I have been specifically training my brain to think logically in regards to the situation with her. I know my emotional thinking leads me down the wrong path with her. By and large I am fine, 90% of the time in my logically thinking brain I know things have been done and dead for a long time and I'm honestly glad for it, more and more often I am able to reflect back on the relationship and see manipulative tactics in red flags I had missed at the time. I even recognize that the part of me that still misses her, just misses the companionship closeness Romance and sex. Things I know I will eventually find with someone else, when I'm in a bad mood obviously the whole I'm approaching 40 and it's not getting any easier to date gets a little despairing, but I'm confident in myself.

The thing that's irritates me the most is that I still think about it at all, I know the whole story I know generally why all of this happened from a psychological standpoint both with her and I, I would never tolerate the behaviors I went through ever again in a relationship with anyone let alone her. So why do I still think about it everyday?



This comes in a few different forms.

I will have my random flashback Daydreams of happy memories, which happens all the time, they just don't bother me like they used to but I would certainly like them to stop.

I occasionally still go down the rabbit hole of thinking about everything that has happened and I get angry. In these moments I hope that things go badly for her, the rental house becomes a huge problem, something happens at work, she yet again continues to not be able to have a stable relationship and frustrates her. I shouldn't think about bad things happening to anyone, but that is the truth of the matter. I want her to get her karma. I shouldn't care.

(I KNOW SOME OF YOU MAY THINK IM CRAZY FOR THIS "ENERGY LINK" STUFF, BUT ITS PART OF MY EXPERIENCE)
Lastly there is the energy. Still, I don't think I ever go more than a day or two where I'm busy doing something without these things on my mind, and out of nowhere my heart starts pounding I can feel my pulse in my stomach and I'm flooded with thoughts of her and a negative emotions like anger Despair and frustration. I have yet again tried to rationalize this and find some scientific explanation for it, but I fail to do so. The amount of times that this same sensation has been accurate in the past is too much to ignore. The sensation has gotten different however, it is now usually a very angry thumping pulse sensation in my stomach, the twisting feeling is far less common these days.
It honestly feels like where i used to feel her anxiety, stress etc, now I only feel her anger. I cannot be the source of this anger as we have had zero interaction in well over two months at this point.

 I am hoping that with the dawn of the new year these things will change.



But I can't help but still feel like there is an epilogue left to our story, and I do not want to freakin' read it, I have said before when i was still  attached that I felt as though our story wasn't over. Now it feels like our story should be over, but there's some crappy sequel looming in the wings.



How can I train my brain to completely forget about all of this? How can I train my neural Pathways to not have any emotional connection to these things? How can I rid myself of the intrusive thoughts?



It used to feel like there was still a connection and that she was just on the wrong path, now I feel like a chronically infected person who has been waiting months for their antibiotics to take affect.



And I want this spiritual empathetic link connection or whatever the flying hell it is to go the hell away. I am so done with it, I have tried meditation salt cleansing all sorts of things.



She feels like a tick embedded in my skin at this point, a leech for which I have no salt. A tapeworm that I ate mistakenly because I picked up some crappy gas station sandwich on a whim.

I seek to be clean of her and all her machinations.
Any advice?

[Pook075]

And I want this spiritual empathetic link connection or whatever the flying hell it is to go the hell away. I am so done with it, I have tried meditation salt cleansing all sorts of things.

She feels like a tick embedded in my skin at this point, a leech for which I have no salt. A tapeworm that I ate mistakenly because I picked up some crappy gas station sandwich on a whim.

I seek to be clean of her and all her machinations.
Any advice?

Hey buddy, thanks for posting.  I was curious how you've been- I'm glad you're still hanging in there.

I want to tell you a little bit about my story, and to do that I have to talk about God since he's the central character.  Several months after my wife left, I was spinning in pain and hurt like we all do.  But like you, my thoughts were turning darker and more troubling.  I wanted vengeance, I wanted wrath...even though that's not who I am.  There was something burning inside and like you, I was hoping her life would completely fall apart, that everything would go wrong.

I kept sinking deeper into despair and I felt a "negative energy" all around me.  And I can't tell you why exactly, but I started thinking about the month before my wife left and how hopelessly depressed she was, how she was lifeless and in agony before walking away and saying so many horrible things that just aren't like her.  Then the decisions she made as a faithful lifelong Christian...it defied comprehension because it just wasn't her.

That's when I realized that the "negative energy" around me, the same negative energy that was around her, was more than just happenstance.  I began to pray and those negative vibes almost instantly disappeared.

In the weeks to follow, I blessed my home and I could feel a difference, it's like a weight was lifted.  Everyone that visited made comments as well, the house felt "different".  They couldn't explain it though, it just felt lighter and fresher.  Something had clearly changed and I was at peace.

Two mornings ago, I woke up to a horrible nightmare.  I dreamed that I awoke in my bed and my wife was beside me, but she was like a zombie.  She crawled across the bed and fell to the floor, then laid there motionless with a twisted face and body.  I jumped out of bed and fled the room, only to see the house was destroyed...it looked like a bomb went off even though the walls were still in tact.  Then I woke up for real.

Throughout that morning, I kept thinking that the dream must have been an omen.  Like before, I awoke with a seething anger towards my wife that I couldn't understand, and it became clear to me that the dream didn't come from above.  It was time to pray once again because I was under spiritual attack.  And like before, it was like a veil was lifted.  The anger vanished and I could see the dream for what it really was.

Buddy, I know you don't believe in God.  But He is real and so is all the other stuff that nobody likes to talk about.  Your "twisties" and "energy", I believe those are real things...but they don't come from where you think they do.  It ultimately harms you and keeps you in chains to prevent you from being the person you're meant to be.  And it's time to let them go.

I won't say more because we're on a public forum and we're not here to preach our beliefs.  I would strongly recommend you speaking with a pastor though, of any faith you choose, and having them pray for you.

You know me to be an honest, compassionate person who's always looked out for your best interests.  Please consider what I've said here and let me know if you have any questions.

[OKrunch]

Hey buddy, thanks for posting.  I was curious how you've been- I'm glad you're still hanging in there.

I want to tell you a little bit about my story, and to do that I have to talk about God since he's the central character.  Several months after my wife left, I was spinning in pain and hurt like we all do.  But like you, my thoughts were turning darker and more troubling.  I wanted vengeance, I wanted wrath...even though that's not who I am.  There was something burning inside and like you, I was hoping her life would completely fall apart, that everything would go wrong.

I kept sinking deeper into despair and I felt a "negative energy" all around me.  And I can't tell you why exactly, but I started thinking about the month before my wife left and how hopelessly depressed she was, how she was lifeless and in agony before walking away and saying so many horrible things that just aren't like her.  Then the decisions she made as a faithful lifelong Christian...it defied comprehension because it just wasn't her.

That's when I realized that the "negative energy" around me, the same negative energy that was around her, was more than just happenstance.  I began to pray and those negative vibes almost instantly disappeared.

In the weeks to follow, I blessed my home and I could feel a difference, it's like a weight was lifted.  Everyone that visited made comments as well, the house felt "different".  They couldn't explain it though, it just felt lighter and fresher.  Something had clearly changed and I was at peace.

Two mornings ago, I woke up to a horrible nightmare.  I dreamed that I awoke in my bed and my wife was beside me, but she was like a zombie.  She crawled across the bed and fell to the floor, then laid there motionless with a twisted face and body.  I jumped out of bed and fled the room, only to see the house was destroyed...it looked like a bomb went off even though the walls were still in tact.  Then I woke up for real.

Throughout that morning, I kept thinking that the dream must have been an omen.  Like before, I awoke with a seething anger towards my wife that I couldn't understand, and it became clear to me that the dream didn't come from above.  It was time to pray once again because I was under spiritual attack.  And like before, it was like a veil was lifted.  The anger vanished and I could see the dream for what it really was.

Buddy, I know you don't believe in God.  But He is real and so is all the other stuff that nobody likes to talk about.  Your "twisties" and "energy", I believe those are real things...but they don't come from where you think they do.  It ultimately harms you and keeps you in chains to prevent you from being the person you're meant to be.  And it's time to let them go.

I won't say more because we're on a public forum and we're not here to preach our beliefs.  I would strongly recommend you speaking with a pastor though, of any faith you choose, and having them pray for you.

You know me to be an honest, compassionate person who's always looked out for your best interests.  Please consider what I've said here and let me know if you have any questions.

I always appreciate your insight Pook, and am happy to take your advice as viewed through the lense of YOUR faith.
I however, as you know, am not a religious person, and though I view the world through a very different lense its always nice to hear from you.

I do not believe that any being, entity, diety or otherwise is in control of my destiny or spirit, I have always personaly found that approach to be a way SOME people can abandon responsibility or accountability because "its up to God, not me".
I do not perscribe to this way of thinking. I have my own reasons for my disagreement with Abrahamic religions thoughout history and in the modern world.


As you know i have a much more nature based spirituality, and nature is a cyclical but often incompassionate system.
Balance is at the heart of all things, and I believe we form connections with those we bond with, that last through years of absence and even beyond death.
This can be as true of a loyal loved Dog as it is true of human connections.
Alas, balance is required for homeostaisis, and I feel the energies between her and I are still dissolving, but are still there.
The connection is still there, albeit parasitic and unhelpful at this point.
I hope and feel that when Balance is achived on both sides, the connection will finally die.

[Pook075]

I do not believe that any being, entity, diety or otherwise is in control of my destiny or spirit, I have always personaly found that approach to be a way SOME people can abandon responsibility or accountability because "its up to God, not me".

I believe just the opposite buddy, it's absolutely, positively up to me since we all have free will. Faith is belief.

You asked for help on something "emotional-based" that's harming you and I gave what I have.  Whether it's from nature or God or something else entirely, it has to come from somewhere...even if it's from within.  Figure out where it's coming from and you'll figure out how to solve it.

Again, you asked for the advice.  Why?

[OKrunch]

I believe just the opposite buddy, it's absolutely, positively up to me since we all have free will. Faith is belief.

You asked for help on something "emotional-based" that's harming you and I gave what I have.  Whether it's from nature or God or something else entirely, it has to come from somewhere...even if it's from within.  Figure out where it's coming from and you'll figure out how to solve it.

Again, you asked for the advice.  Why?

I was looking for brain training techniques for retaining nural pathways and dealing with the intrusive thoughts.
intrusive thoughts that I logically have no reason to be having, so whatever is still causing them is deep-sseded and subconcious.

[Pook075]

I was looking for brain training techniques for retaining nural pathways and dealing with the intrusive thoughts.
intrusive thoughts that I logically have no reason to be having, so whatever is still causing them is deep-sseded and subconcious.

Okay, hopefully your therapist can provide some assistance there.  My technique is simply to pray and let go of that stuff when it arises.

[OKrunch]

Okay, hopefully your therapist can provide some assistance there.  My technique is simply to pray and let go of that stuff when it arises.

And in that regard Sir, i honestly envy your faith.
I sent the same message to my therapist, awaiting a reply.

Where you pray, is when I meditate, which at the end of the day, I imagine are fairly similar acts, at least in regard to ones psyche.

[Pook075]

And in that regard Sir, i honestly envy your faith.
I sent the same message to my therapist, awaiting a reply.

Where you pray, is when I meditate, which at the end of the day, I imagine are fairly similar acts, at least in regard to ones psyche.

They're similar and very different at the same time.  Faith is submitting to a higher power, meditating is tapping into your own energies.

I had a religious experience about 15 months ago, only a week after the separation, that cannot be explained by anything other than the presence of God.  I don't wonder if He's real, I know it just as much as I know anything in life.  I was healed, both physically and mentally, and it put me on a path that led me here.  At first for me, but later for people like you.

I genuinely care about you brother ad I'm here for you, I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

[OKrunch]

Thanks,

So, any thoughts on retraining neural pathways anyone?

I've had religious experiences too Pook.
Just not Judeo-Christian/Western/Monotheistic ones.
That is just a brand of spirituality I will never be able to prescribe to.

[kells76]

Hi OKrunch;

In the past, when you have noticed intrusive thoughts, has your approach been to resist them?

Have you yet tried opening the door to them, in a structured fashion?

Some people try scheduling a time period for themselves to ruminate or to invite in the intrusive thoughts -- something like "OK, I will ruminate over the memories from 5pm to 5:30pm today." And then you make yourself focus only on those thoughts -- don't allow yourself to not think of them during that time, if that makes sense.

It's kind of like jiu-jitsu: you don't fight strength with strength, you instead channel the opponent's strength.

Would be interested to hear your thoughts on that approach.

[OKrunch]

Hi OKrunch;

In the past, when you have noticed intrusive thoughts, has your approach been to resist them?

Have you yet tried opening the door to them, in a structured fashion?

Some people try scheduling a time period for themselves to ruminate or to invite in the intrusive thoughts -- something like "OK, I will ruminate over the memories from 5pm to 5:30pm today." And then you make yourself focus only on those thoughts -- don't allow yourself to not think of them during that time, if that makes sense.

It's kind of like jiu-jitsu: you don't fight strength with strength, you instead channel the opponent's strength.

Would be interested to hear your thoughts on that approach.

I have done this in the past and found it worked quite well.
The biggest issue i have is what I have come to call "Flash Memories"
Super quick, random thoughts or memories, mostly happy memories from vacations, holidays, getting the puppies, specific moments with the kids etc.
They happen very quickly and randomly, in times past, they would be the trigger for some real-deal Rumination, nowadays I tend to get past them pretty quick.

I am trying to find ways to make that go away, they are quite sudden.

I think a lot of it is just being lonely maybe? My sleeping mind is recalling times when I felt very connected and family oriented. They are all moments of familial happiness or romantic/adventerous things we did together from the past.

[Turkish]

Have you ever thought that it's OK to give yourself grace?

They say that the body keeps the score, but so do the mind and heart. You're still very fresh with your pain, give yourself grace and time. Detaching is a process.

For myself, even coming up on 10 years out (she moved out on Feb 4th, 2014), I still sometimes think "what if?...."

It took me years to stop beating myself up internally about that. My anger lasted far longer than I thought it should (<---self judgment/flagellation, and anger towards her) but that's OK.  I needed to realize that it was OK.

Thoughts?

[Pook075]

Have you ever thought that it's OK to give yourself grace?

They say that the body keeps the score, but so do the mind and heart. You're still very fresh with your pain, give yourself grace and time. Detaching is a process.

For myself, even coming up on 10 years out (she moved out on Feb 4th, 2014), I still sometimes think "what if?...."

It took me years to stop beating myself up internally about that. My anger lasted far longer than I thought it should (<---self judgment/flagellation, and anger towards her) but that's OK.  I needed to realize that it was OK.

Thoughts?

That's wild- ten years and the thoughts still creep in!  Are you in another relationship now?

[OKrunch]

Have you ever thought that it's OK to give yourself grace?

They say that the body keeps the score, but so do the mind and heart. You're still very fresh with your pain, give yourself grace and time. Detaching is a process.

For myself, even coming up on 10 years out (she moved out on Feb 4th, 2014), I still sometimes think "what if?...."

It took me years to stop beating myself up internally about that. My anger lasted far longer than I thought it should (<---self judgment/flagellation, and anger towards her) but that's OK.  I needed to realize that it was OK.

Thoughts?

Kind of funny, almost prophetic that you would mention that. I am more Angry today that I have been in months. I could not for the life of me tell you why, and it's not like it was in the past where I was angry about being betrayed because I still loved her.



I'm absolutely God damn disgusted with the things that she did, the lies, pretending to love my son only to discard him on two separate occasions, let alone me. The recent triangulation attempt, just like what an awful human being to constantly just be stirring up drama and running through people's lives like a runaway cruise missile.



Her and I met October 2019, we moved in together in April of 2020. Since that time she has had three men live at that house with her including myself, not to mention the amount of people she's dated in between. Absolutely disgusting. Then there's the looming fact that unless I move away from an area I've lived my entire life, she's going to show up at some point just to see if she still has any symbolence of control influence or ability to manipulate. And why? Boredom? To feel Superior?



I can't believe I was as devoted as I was for so long to someone who is obviously human trash.



I am feeling flagrantly disgusted today, with myself for having ever trusted her, and with her, because she's such a selfish hateful destructive monster. I'm appaled with myself I ever though Jekyll was anything more than a flimsy mask. I should've known what to look for after everything I went through with my Ex-Wife.

Its been a year, and I am still this angry. Pathetic.

[jaded7]

I have done this in the past and found it worked quite well.
The biggest issue i have is what I have come to call "Flash Memories"
Super quick, random thoughts or memories, mostly happy memories from vacations, holidays, getting the puppies, specific moments with the kids etc.
They happen very quickly and randomly, in times past, they would be the trigger for some real-deal Rumination, nowadays I tend to get past them pretty quick.

I am trying to find ways to make that go away, they are quite sudden.

I think a lot of it is just being lonely maybe? My sleeping mind is recalling times when I felt very connected and family oriented. They are all moments of familial happiness or romantic/adventerous things we did together from the past.

Crunch, this all sounds pretty normal to me. Not good, mind you. But par for the course. You've suffered a strong wound to your attachment system. These are profound.

I know that in the first year or so, if I saw a car like hers or a place we went together or something in my home that reminded me of her, I would experience a very sharp pain and stab in my heart, followed quickly by a wave of a panic-like feeling that spread through my body accompanied by an out-of-it type feeling. In the early days, many many things caused this. It was absolutely awful.

Kinda similar to your reactions.

Nowadays, I can see a car just like hers and just notice that my thoughts go to her, but none of the profound PTSD-shock response. This is a reduction in the PTSD response.

Don't beat yourself up and understand this is part of the process of healing. As is writing here, as is reading here.

I think of it as coming home to yourself. Yesterday I told a friend that all this profound suffering, rumination, thoughts of self-deleting, inability to sleep or concentrate, does NOT mean that she was the perfect woman for me, or that I'm a terrible person. For me, this is an important and profound realization and step in my recovery. The attachment wound wants me to believe that she was perfect, that I absolutely needed her, and that I'm a bad person for 'losing' her.....so that I get her back and the wound is satisfied. The suffering and pain do not mean that. They don't mean that I deserved any of her treatment, and they don't make the things she did and the names she called me 'fine'.

To me, that's a very useful realization.

[Turkish]

That's wild- ten years and the thoughts still creep in!  Are you in another relationship now?

No.  The kids are not quite 14 and 11, so we coparent and the most we've gone without seeing each other in person is about 1.5 weeks. She's 3 years divorced from the guy she left me for. The kids and I ran into him at a gym last month. It was a bit sad. S13 kind of missed him.

I don't reminisce, but I think. Until I spend time with her and she's changed, but also still the same. No way I'd be attracted to her now. Not to hijack, but that's all I'll say about that.

[Pook075]

No.  The kids are not quite 14 and 11, so we coparent and the most we've gone without seeing each other in person is about 1.5 weeks. She's 3 years divorced from the guy she left me for. The kids and I ran into him at a gym last month. It was a bit sad. S13 kind of missed him.

I don't reminisce, but I think. Until I spend time with her and she's changed, but also still the same. No way I'd be attracted to her now. Not to hijack, but that's all I'll say about that.

Yeah, I remembered the story of you running into him and the conflicted feelings for you, the kids, etc.  Just wasn't sure if you had moved on with someone else.  Thanks for sharing! (I don't want to hijack either)

[OKrunch]

Did some deep thinking after I cooled off yesterday, and I think I found why I was so angry.

 I have thought so many times in the past that I had truly disconnected, and taken the rosy lenses off. Clearly I had been fooling myself, because only now, as i realize for the first time I truly don't miss her, it's made me realize how truly messed up some of the things shes done/does are. I have since found out more things I was lied to about, and how truly promiscuous she really is. Now that the lenses are truly and fully off, I find myself getting angry again because its not diluted with "but how can I win her back" in the back of my head. I don't miss her. I miss companionship, being loved and having a partner. I miss the things she transactionally provided, not her specifically. I find that I will fondly reminisce about my ex wife sometimes too, despite knowing how awful of a pairing that was and would be today. It's because they are the only two women I have lived with, and tried to raise my son with. Its not them I miss, but the environment and stimuli they provided. I just need to find the right person, who wants the same fulfilling and genuine relationship.

[seekingtheway]

Hi OKrunch,

I am also the meditating/energetic/earthy spiritual type, and have a few thoughts in terms of re-programming your neural pathways - there's a few therapies you could try if you're wanting to really make a difference with this - EMDR is one, somatic experiencing is another. But if you want something simple you can do yourself, just some positive affirmations, but take your time in figuring out what you want your brain to re-learn first - something along the lines of how you would actually feel once you've gotten to the point where you are fully healed. i.e. 'Our story is over, she is free to live her life the way she wishes, I have no desire to be in her life ever again, I am free, I am at peace'... these sorts of things... but obviously something that feels relevant to you... then you can meditate and feel into those words regularly, daily, several times a day, for a good 5-10 minutes at a time...  the idea is that you want your brain to go to the state where you believe it, even if it's just for a moment, and keep going there, eventually it will become the reality.

Having said that, as with some other advice here, when those feelings of anger and sadness come, let them, welcome them... try and figure out where in your body you're feeling them, and put your hand there to soothe them... that part is important too.

[tina7868]

I have thought so many times in the past that I had truly disconnected, and taken the rosy lenses off. Clearly I had been fooling myself, because only now, as i realize for the first time I truly don't miss her, it's made me realize how truly messed up some of the things shes done/does are. I have since found out more things I was lied to about, and how truly promiscuous she really is. Now that the lenses are truly and fully off, I find myself getting angry again because its not diluted with "but how can I win her back" in the back of my head. I don't miss her. I miss companionship, being loved and having a partner. I miss the things she transactionally provided, not her specifically.

I think it`s natural to oscillate between perspectives as you move along your journey. You will see the situation in many ways as your progress, and keep learning from the situation down the line.

I just need to find the right person, who wants the same fulfilling and genuine relationship.

But if you want something simple you can do yourself, just some positive affirmations, but take your time in figuring out what you want your brain to re-learn first - something along the lines of how you would actually feel once you've gotten to the point where you are fully healed. i.e. 'Our story is over, she is free to live her life the way she wishes, I have no desire to be in her life ever again, I am free, I am at peace'... these sorts of things... but obviously something that feels relevant to you... then you can meditate and feel into those words regularly, daily, several times a day, for a good 5-10 minutes at a time...  the idea is that you want your brain to go to the state where you believe it, even if it's just for a moment, and keep going there, eventually it will become the reality.

seekingtheway proposes something I have had success with myself. It`s something I can get behind trying, when and if you`re ready of course. You could also flesh out what the `right` person would look like for you, and how you want to be and feel within that relationship, etc. I felt it was nice to have a balance between embracing my sadness, but also looking forward to what the future could hold.

[Pook075]

Did some deep thinking after I cooled off yesterday, and I think I found why I was so angry.

 I have thought so many times in the past that I had truly disconnected, and taken the rosy lenses off. Clearly I had been fooling myself, because only now, as i realize for the first time I truly don't miss her, it's made me realize how truly messed up some of the things shes done/does are. I have since found out more things I was lied to about, and how truly promiscuous she really is. Now that the lenses are truly and fully off, I find myself getting angry again because its not diluted with "but how can I win her back" in the back of my head. I don't miss her. I miss companionship, being loved and having a partner. I miss the things she transactionally provided, not her specifically. I find that I will fondly reminisce about my ex wife sometimes too, despite knowing how awful of a pairing that was and would be today. It's because they are the only two women I have lived with, and tried to raise my son with. Its not them I miss, but the environment and stimuli they provided. I just need to find the right person, who wants the same fulfilling and genuine relationship.

Hey buddy.  I agree with everything you just said and I think it's true for a lot of us.  For example, my personal feelings are tied to who I thought my ex was and the relationship we had...not the person she is today.  The stuff I miss, it's not coming back because she's a different person and so am I.  I have forgiven and moved on, which makes going backwards to a broken relationship impossible.  There are certain things that I'll never accept in a relationship again...and that's a good thing to be able to see them.  The key is healing from them as well and moving on with an open heart.

[OKrunch]

Doing really good with intrusive thoughts, or better I should say.

Its nice to have had this long of a stretch of not MISSING her, but still dealing with some of the lingering things.
When I actively missed her, is when pain was highest.
I do still think about happy memories, and those I do miss, but I know now they were only the product of "honeymoon phases" or "manic Highs", these were not the genuine article. the holidays approaching are also hard, makes me think of specific happy memories, more focused on the kids. I do miss her daughter a lot, and I know my son does.
She is a clever and sharp girl, although she does share some of her mothers struggles.
I miss hearing the kids laugh together, and I hope (ex)Stepdaughter is OK.

One thing I am dealing with in the last week or so is again this constant feeling that something is going to happen soon, "the other shoe is going to drop" feeling. Which I have had before, and it has often been accurate. This feeling has been building for a few days now. Which has me on edge.

[SaltyDawg]

Doing really good with intrusive thoughts, or better I should say.

Its nice to have had this long of a stretch of not MISSING her, but still dealing with some of the lingering things.
When I actively missed her, is when pain was highest.
I do still think about happy memories, and those I do miss, but I know now they were only the product of "honeymoon phases" or "manic Highs", these were not the genuine article. the holidays approaching are also hard, makes me think of specific happy memories, more focused on the kids. I do miss her daughter a lot, and I know my son does.
She is a clever and sharp girl, although she does share some of her mothers struggles.
I miss hearing the kids laugh together, and I hope (ex)Stepdaughter is OK.

One thing I am dealing with in the last week or so is again this constant feeling that something is going to happen soon, "the other shoe is going to drop" feeling. Which I have had before, and it has often been accurate. This feeling has been building for a few days now. Which has me on edge.

OKrunch,

I hear you.  You have been through a lot, and you have made a lot of progress.  Follow your wise mind with reference to what you describe as "not the genuine article" if and when this feeling comes to fruition.

Stay strong, you got this.

Take care with self care.

SD

[OKrunch]

Everything over the past year and a half has had a pretty consistant seasonal
ExPwBPD VERYYYY much fluctuates moods as seasons change. My T and I have talked about this pattern ad nauseam.
She kicked me out on the first day of Autumn, my "6 months in the camper" spanned from almost exactly Autumn to the day after the first day of spring. My spirituality is very nature, cyclical and seasonally based.

The reason I bring this up is for me, not her however.

Here we find ourselves on the first day of Winter, and I have to say, I began having a sensation of release, weight lifted, freedom and peace that began yesterday, and has fully flowered upon waking up this morning.

it feels like my trial is done, or finishing anyway.
I can feel the depression leaving me, I can sense how much less I am dwelling on things. My stomach is calming.

Just remeber folks, the Winter Solstice is the shortest day of the year, which means every day from today until June will be slightly longer, warmer, more alive and brighter.

Happy Solstice to you all, Happy Holidays to you all.

Peace, Love, Trees and Sunshine,
OKrunch.

[SaltyDawg]

OKrunch,

   Thank you for the update.  It sounds like you are in very good spirits - carpe diem - seize the day or the moment and hold on to these good feelings.

   I am with you, the cup is half full, and each and every day after today (at least in the northern hemisphere) the days will be getting longer and longer as we move on from the Solstice today.

   You are going through a process, I am gently reminding you that there will likely be bad days ahead too so you can brace for them if and when they arrive and they will have less of an affect on you. As time marches on these bad days will become fewer and fewer and hopefully will become a distant shadow for you.

   Take care with self-care, 'care diem'.

SD

[Pook075]

Everything over the past year and a half has had a pretty consistant seasonal
ExPwBPD VERYYYY much fluctuates moods as seasons change. My T and I have talked about this pattern ad nauseam.
She kicked me out on the first day of Autumn, my "6 months in the camper" spanned from almost exactly Autumn to the day after the first day of spring. My spirituality is very nature, cyclical and seasonally based.

The reason I bring this up is for me, not her however.

Here we find ourselves on the first day of Winter, and I have to say, I began having a sensation of release, weight lifted, freedom and peace that began yesterday, and has fully flowered upon waking up this morning.

it feels like my trial is done, or finishing anyway.
I can feel the depression leaving me, I can sense how much less I am dwelling on things. My stomach is calming.

Just remeber folks, the Winter Solstice is the shortest day of the year, which means every day from today until June will be slightly longer, warmer, more alive and brighter.

Happy Solstice to you all, Happy Holidays to you all.

Peace, Love, Trees and Sunshine,
OKrunch.

Hey buddy.  For every one of us, at some point in our journey, we woke up and felt "normal" for the first time in awhile.  Of course, the word "normal" is subjective, and I only use it in the context of we escape the cycle of FOG in our minds and realize that we're okay standing on our own two feet.  It sounds like you're finally getting there and it is excellent news to hear!

Question though- it's a new season, a new start...so what's new in your life?  You have to fill the emotional void with something and I'd love to hear what it is.

[OKrunch]

Getting back into model crafting and painting, renwing my love of hiking and rock climbing.

I want to learn guitar, i plan to get a new car in the spring if i can swing it, and lastly, I am looking into some career changes.
My job is very agreeable with my parenting schedule, but very slow and I have a lot of free time.
So for now I am looking for options of "Deadline" based remote work, that I can do while I am at my regular job, thus double dipping. (I seriously have tons of free time at my current job)
I am trying to make some lifestyle changes, trim bad habits and fix my budget.

Lastly I am looking into trying to focus on creative things ive been putting off for ages.
Writing and getting a portfolio together for voice acting / voiceover work.

[Pook075]

Getting back into model crafting and painting, renwing my love of hiking and rock climbing.

I want to learn guitar, i plan to get a new car in the spring if i can swing it, and lastly, I am looking into some career changes.
My job is very agreeable with my parenting schedule, but very slow and I have a lot of free time.
So for now I am looking for options of "Deadline" based remote work, that I can do while I am at my regular job, thus double dipping. (I seriously have tons of free time at my current job)
I am trying to make some lifestyle changes, trim bad habits and fix my budget.

Lastly I am looking into trying to focus on creative things ive been putting off for ages.
Writing and getting a portfolio together for voice acting / voiceover work.

Wow, lots and lots of good stuff!  Good for you man.

[OKrunch]

I feel very calm about things, but I woke today with this sense that she is sad, and NC break may be attempted soon.

Could 100% be just my own mind playing goofy tricks on me, and its nother stressing me out or bothering me.
So, not that big of a deal.

I hope you all have a good last week of the year.

[OKrunch]

Had an awesome Christmas with my son, and Father.

Woke up today absolutely brimming with anger, for no apparent reason.

Trying to recenter myself before work.

I haven't woken up this angry in weeks, if not months. I cannot begin to speculate as to why and that irritates me even further