BPD Daughter-in-law

[Schmoopie]

Hello.  I recently found this forum and wanted to reach out and describe my experiences, in the hopes of, I guess, getting reassurances that my actions have been appropriate; and if not, getting some helpful constructive criticism.

My 33-year-old son married his, I guess, diagnosed BPD wife 3 1/2 years ago.  I say "I guess" because my son told me she has BPD when they first started dating, before I ever met her.  She has five children by her former spouse.

During the nearly six years they've been together, I've seen her alienate two other family members, of which my son has also now alienated -- his sister and stepsister -- his sister for petty reasons, his stepsister for reasons both my DIL and his stepsister, my stepdaughter, had a part in.  These conflicted relationships with DIL have been a source of stress and heartache for me, but I don't get in the middle of it, unless my son and DIL bring it up.  And, then, I have simply offered whatever advice seems the least confrontational for the family members involved.

Many times during the last few years when the family relation issues have been mentioned by my son and DIL, I have suggested that they all sit down and talk through whatever the issues are, apologize where needed, and move on.  I didn't expect them to be best friends, but to at least be cordial at family functions.  Those discussions never happened, and one of the family members has chosen to stay away from any functions where my DIL will be in attendance.

I have done what I can to welcome my DIL and her children into our family.  I've accepted as many invitations by them for pizza, pumpkin patch outings, watching local parades, etc., whenever I've been available.  She has always been invited to family girls' weekends, family girl outings; the family has always been invited to all functions; and I have made an effort to treat her children, my step-grandchildren, the same as my other grandchildren.  I take them all out for a special birthday meal, spend the same on them for their birthdays and Christmas, attend sporting events and school events whenever possible.  The latter I finally had to tell my son that, because I have my own life and other things that require my attention, I would only go to games that were local and not out of town.  We live in the same small town.  As always he seemed to understand, and nothing else was said about it. 

I haven't had to babysit much because she's a stay-home mom and with teenage children able to watch the two youngest when needed, and the children go to their dad's half the time.  However, I did stay with them for the weekend once and a couple evenings when my son and DIL both were unavailable to be home.  I have also picked them up from school a number of times and offered to help with transport to and from school, when she had daycare children and not enough room in her car.

About nine months ago, my son called me to talk to me about how his wife felt I didn't do enough for them and the kids, and he was starting to understand her feelings and kind of agreeing with her. We talked about it, how I had several other grandchildren, and that I was also trying to enjoy my newly retired status.  I reminded him of the things that I was doing for them, instead of what my DIL felt I wasn't doing.  I thought we ended the conversation well, and I didn't hear anything else until more recently, when my DIL mentioned to my husband when I went to the ladies' room at a brewery we met up with them at, that I was too busy with my daughter's family, who live in another state 1,100 miles away, that I didn't have enough time for them.  Yes, I do visit my younger daughter and her family about three times a year for four days at a time.  My husband was furious about the comment but didn't respond to my DIL, his step DIL.

Nothing else was said by my DIL or by my husband or I until my son contacted us 2 1/2 months ago to ask if he could come stay with us.  He has asked before but never showed up, and just as before, I said of course.  I never said anything to him when he didn't show up previously, but this time he did come and was very distressed.  He seemed ready to leave her and confided in me about many of the things that she does and has done over the years that were shocking to me: hocking a lugi (sorry for the slang) on his hanging clothes when she was mad, locking him out of his cars and taking the keys, throwing water full of ice on him while he slept, marking through his work papers with sharpies, just to name a few.  And who knows what else she has done.

The first night my son was with us she started texting me with very rude remarks about what a terrible communicator I was and how my oldest daughter, who also lives nearby, was an absolute POS.  I chose not to respond, rationalizing that she was angry with my son for leaving and taking it out on me so there was no point in responding.  I ended up blocking her for a day because the texts were too upsetting for me.  She was copying and pasting them to my son as well.

My son stayed two nights and went back to her, but I stopped going to her boys' football games because I couldn't be around her yet.  A month later all the girls took my mother out wine tasting for her birthday, and we invited my DIL.  I thought it would be a good icebreaker.  I was prepared to forgive her, if she apologized, because my son told me she was embarrassed by the text messages.  The wine tasting was uneventful, everyone was pleasant, and I made a point to be cordial, even though it was awkward. 

A week later the text messages started again, criticizing me for doing exactly the things she was previously mad about me supposedly not doing, also calling me fake, backhanded, and a poor communicator.  She said I was burying my head in the sand and so on and so on.  She was demanding a response so after a lot of thought and careful wording I sent her a long response that I can still read without feeling regret for anything I said.  I chose to take the high road and remained polite but simply reminding her of the things I do that are no less than any of my other kids' families but also letting her know that I'm not the person she sees me as and that I was at peace in knowing that and that my intentions were good. 

I got a few more mean text messages a week later, and my husband starting getting text messages from her as well; and I finally had to block her indefinitely because it was too upsetting and stressful, and I needed to protect myself and my health.  I called my son a few days later, assuming she had been forwarding her text messages to him as well, which he claimed he had no knowledge of.  We had a long, emotional (on my part) conversation, mostly me expressing how this was affecting me and expressing my concerns for him and that I had no choice but to make her no longer welcome in our home unless and until she would get therapy or some kind of help for herself -- which she had earlier ceased because she felt she was worse than anyone else in the group so it was too embarrassing --  and show that she was trying to better herself and was willing to apologize to me.  He never denied or tried to argue any of it with me.

It was one of the hardest things for me to do because I knew the effect it could have on my relationship with my son, and I have been at times a mess because of it.  I truly feel it was the right thing for me to do because otherwise I would be accepting her behavior and enabling her to continue targeting me.  It is affecting my marriage and my health, both of which are too important and too much of a priority.  I let my son know how much I love him and that I'm here whenever he needs anything.  I am trying hard to let it go, stay strong, and keep moving forward, but it is not an easy thing to do.  I often worry about what I know my son must be going through and how it is affecting his health, and it is heartbreaking.

With the holidays almost here, I was agonizing over whether I would be seeing my son because I'm doubtful that he will show up for my Christmas dinner without his wife, but I was happy to learn today that they will all be showing up at another family member's home for a Christmas Eve party.  I did not want any of my family members excluding them because of me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long story, and I wish you a happy holiday.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hello Schmoopie
I am so sorry for what you have been through. Unfortunately it is a common story for many of us navigating our way alongside someone with BPD.

This serious illness can be/is so destructive both for the individual concerned, their family, extended family and friends.

From what you have said, I am concluding that you and your son are very close. This makes it more likely that you would be a 'target' of blame and accusations. It is also clear that your son is pushed to his limit at times in this relationship. He has turned to you before when he has had enough, and I think it is a little reassuring to know that he has been able to step out and that he can turn to you whenever he chooses. That he has that option is very good in this situation.

Along the way you have responded in all honesty and sincerity and tried to work things out and move forward. Your DIL is operating through intense emotional response and this will keep on happening probably.

We talk a lot about 'boundaries' on this site. They are what we need to put in place for our own health and wellbeing. You have put a reasonable boundary that would make relating to your DIL possible. Unfortunately  BPD people always seem to put us into a position where we end up having to bear a cost - in this case, the relationship with your son.

You seem to be a very generous person and so this cost is greater. But you have done the right thing in establishing a boundary. Have you been able to have contact with your son at all, or do you think you will be able to in the future?

It is very painful. The way forward is a bit unknowable. I think it's an important moment to make sure you and the other family members are on the same page. Take some time to 'be kind' to yourself because you clearly have been open and supportive of your DIL and the response - even though typical of BPD - has been so distressing.

In my 'difficult' times I often come back to the mantra 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it'.

I find this helps me a lot as does coming here - I know I am not alone.

[Schmoopie]

Sancho,

I so appreciate your kind and caring words.  It helps a great deal.

To answer your question, yes, my son and I finally did have contact again about a week and a half ago and then again today.  He wasn't responding to me at first so I gave him space.  Our first conversation was good, and he seemed to understand and didn't appear angry when I told him that he and his stepchildren were welcome here for a small Christmas celebration, but under the circumstances his wife was not.  I will be at another large family Christmas party with all of them on Christmas Eve.

Our conversation today was good, and I unblocked his wife from my phone contacts after he told me she was trying to get ahold of me to get together.  I assumed it would be an attempt at an apology, but I was wrong.  Judging from the text I got from her afterwards, she clearly has no remorse. 

I appreciate you sharing your mantra.  I know it will be of comfort for me when I need it as well.

It's also helpful knowing that I am not alone so I will take more time to go through this website, read the experiences of other loved ones of BPD individuals, and glean from it what I can.

Thank you for your time, and happy and safe holidays.

[livednlearned]

You sound like a lovely grandmother, wife, stepmother, mother -- you make efforts to be involved in your step-grandchildren's lives, and that says so much about you. Hold onto that knowledge -- it's yours regardless of how you are perceived. DIL feels horrible so seeing others who feel good will feel intolerable to her -- she'll want you to feel the way she feels, and will likely say things that to hurt you so you're on her level.

For that reason, less is often more. Try to keep the target as small as possible.

With people who have BPD, compassionate boundaries are so important, and they're also so hard. So hard. Setting and keeping compassionate boundaries with my stepdaughter (26) is among the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I would go so far as to say it's made me a different person (for the better), even though the relationship remains challenging.

It's promising that your son turned to you and confided when he was hurting. After he returned to her, did he keep in touch with you? It's not outside the realm of possibility that DIL will try to now drive a wedge between you and your son. Keeping that line of communication open could be tricky. He'll need your support. Being in a BPD marriage is extraordinarily difficult. Hopefully he is learning some of the skills that could help him navigate her emotional lability. It's encouraging that he gave himself space when things took a turn for the worst.

Do they plan to have kids together?

Hang in there. Glad you posted. These are not just difficult relationships, they're the most difficult. It's so important to connect with people who understand what you're going through.  

[Schmoopie]

Livednlearned,

Oh, my gosh.  The response I'm getting here is touching me right where I need it.  It saddens me how many people are actually experiencing this.  Until I met my DIL, I had never heard of BPD.  It's very helpful to get validation of my actions and the way I'm feeling, especially after a couple rough days.

Yes.  After my son returned to his wife, he wasn't responding to me at first, and I thought maybe he had blocked me so I left it alone.  For other reasons he ended up reaching out to me, and we were able to discuss his wife as well, but he is somewhat reserved about it.  Just two days ago, I talked to him, and he asked if I got his wife's text message from a couple days before, and I reminded him that I had blocked her.  Apparently she was reaching out to me to get together to talk things out.  I thought, mistakenly, that it would be to apologize so I unblocked her.  It definitely was not an apology so I blocked her again.  My son and I had a few messages back and forth, in which he told me he agreed with her to an extent, which was extremely upsetting to me.  But I'm trying to rationalize that it's her manipulation of him, and I'm trying not to take it too personal.

A few years ago, I had a different family member who was struggling with substance abuse for a few years.  As a result I found and started attending a support group for loved ones of people struggling with addiction.  I learned a great deal from that group, and I am finding that much of what I learned there applies here as well: Setting boundaries, not enabling, understanding that it's not my fault, and the mantra another member here sent me.  I am so grateful for that group, and now I am so grateful that I found this group.

My decision to not allow my DIL into my home, unless she gets help, is extremely difficult for me because of the impact it will likely end up having on my relationship with my son, but I felt it was a necessary step to take.  I question my decision all the time, but I also remind myself often that I have to do it for myself to maintain my good health -- and my husband's.  However, at the same time, I worry a great deal about my son and his own health because of the turmoil I know he is going through.

I hope I won't offend anyone by saying that I will keep all of you in my prayers because I know your struggle and heartache. 

Happy holidays.

[kells76]

Hi Schmoopie, so glad you found us and can get some support for your situation. It can be really difficult to get hit with the effects of BPD, even when you're not the one directly in a relationship with her (I'm a stepmom to two whose mom has many BPD-type traits, so I can relate to your position).

One of the things I learned here at the site is that "relational moves" that can help repair things in a generally normal relationship -- moves like explaining your motivations or offering more context or information -- can, unintuitively, make things worse with pwBPD. It's very easy for pwBPD to feel invalidated when we explain ourselves to them, even if we have good intentions. And when a pwBPD feels invalidated, she might start escalating protective behaviors like defensiveness and blaming.

Take a look at our workshop on Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain -- I'd be curious if you think that might be helpful in your situation, to change the conflict pattern between you and your DIL?

And fill us in on how the holidays went for you, whenever works best for you.

kells76

[Siggster]

Hi Schmoopie

 Just wondering how you're going? You sound like such a kind, wise and caring person which of course doesn't make you super-human without q breaking point. I really hope you're doing ok, Kell's post above looked interesting and I am looking it for myself, I have an adult daughter with BPD.

[sarah98]

You've shown remarkable patience and understanding in a very complex family situation. I think its important that you've tried to maintain a welcoming approach and set healthy boundaries while dealing with your son and daughter-in-law's challenging dynamics. It's important to prioritise your own well-being and your marriage. When I had treatment for my BPD they provided a support group for families that was free, they were called ----------, you can find them here[url]https://----------.com/dbt-therapy-near-me//url], there still around I think so worth giving them a try. I would continue to offer your son love and support, but also remember to take care of yourself, especially during stressful times like the holidays. Your approach of encouraging communication and setting clear limits is both thoughtful and necessary.

[CC43]

Hi Schmoopie,

What you describe sounds like typical BPD behavior.  You seem to handle it with understanding and grace, even you're terribly hurt.  I think the family members of someone with BPD spend a lot of time trying to understand the reasons behind seemingly unjustified anger and dysfunctional communication.  We also spend inordinate time grieving over ruptured relationships.

I find myself returning to this site to get pointers on how to handle this confounding illness.  There are many helpful posts and tips, like FOG (avoiding acting out of Fear, Obligation or Guilt), "grey rocking," boundary setting, extinction bursts, blame-shifting and validation.  On validation, the key is to validate feelings, not falsehoods.  Finally, self-care is critical, because you can't be helpful to others if you are distraught or worn out.

I believe that stress, such as holidays, can exacerbate BPD behaviors, like lashing out and blaming.  This behavior is more driven by emotion than logic (i.e. something that you actually did to provoke the outburst).  Therefore, any explaining or defending will backfire; the person with BPD will not only feel misunderstood, but angered even more!

Regarding apologies, I've never, ever heard one from the person with BPD in my life, no matter how egregious the behavior.  I'd advise you not to expect an apology.  It's because the "logic" is absent in BPD, and because admitting wrong-doing is likely too painful for her.  She is likely to shift blame, from herself onto others.

All the best to you on your journey.

[Schmoopie]

Happy February all.

I haven't been on here for a couple weeks and just caught up on the more recent responses.  Thank you so much for all of your insight and recommendations.  I've made note of some of the articles you've pointed me to, and I have been looking into them.

I last posted before Christmas, and I wanted to share our experiences during the holidays.  Christmas Eve was a large party for my entire family.  We had about 50 people, including several children 5 and under, so it was a very fun and crazy event.  My son and BPD DIL were there with the children.

The interaction with my DIL was uneventful, for the most part.  My sister and daughter felt that she was hovering over and near them too closely and intently watching people.  At one point my DIL and I passed each other in the kitchen when no one else was in there, and she bumped me quite hard.  At first I thought it was an accident, but she just kept going past me without saying a word.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was probably intentional.

Since I had already set my boundaries with my DIL, I managed to stay out of her way, otherwise, and as far as I knew, all went well.  Until, that is, when everyone was leaving and my daughter found herself outside with my DIL.  Nobody else was around at that time.  My daughter could hold back no longer and told her, "You will never come back from this."  I should note that my daughter has also been a target of my DIL's for over a year now.  Something was then said back to my daughter, and there was screaming back and forth for a few seconds, and unfortunately a couple of my step grandchildren were also there.  One of the children was also screaming and told my daughter she couldn't talk to his mother like that.  My daughter then started walking back inside while saying back , "That's okay because your mother talked to my mother like that."  My daughter came in and told me about it right away, and I was able to view the Ring video later to confirm it.

Needless to say, I was upset, depressed, and very stressed.  My son was livid because my daughter started it and said he would not be over to my house the next day as planned, if his sister would be there, which didn't surprise me.  Because I have my DIL blocked from my phone and social media, I did not hear anything from her.

However, on January 4th I started getting incessant phone calls, text messages, and emails from several pest control companies who said they got a request from me for service off of Angi's (formerly Angi's List).  I did not request this service and was finally able to cancel the request, and the calls eventually stopped.  I was able to determine that the request was made at about 1:30 that morning.

I suspected it could possibly have been instigated by my DIL, but I never said anything until two weeks later when my husband got a visit by two women from the LDS church, telling him that they had received a request for a visit from them.  We are not members of the LDS church.  It was at 7:00 in the evening, and I was not home.  He was very unhappy about it and thought that someone must have hacked into his email or something because they had his phone number, address, and email address.  He tried to track down what had happened without success so I told him about my theory when I was receiving all the messages from pest control companies.  It was too much of a coincidence to us that we had two similar instances two weeks apart.  I've never had this happen before.  We still don't know for sure, but we are highly suspicious that it was my DIL.  We have not mentioned it to my son or DIL, but we did file a police report without naming a suspect for fraud/identity theft.  We just thought it was necessary to protect ourselves.

My son has since contacted me to say he had to go to the hospital for abdominal pains that went into his left arm.  Thankfully the tests were clear, except for a bit of irregularity on the EKG, but they put him on anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication.  As a result, he said he would have to go silent until I could resolve things with his wife.  Naturally, I've been extremely worried about him.

After reading the responses a couple of weeks ago and reading some of the articles here, I began thinking about how I can go about trying to move ahead and keep my son in my life.  I decided that I was willing to sit down with her and listen intently and with empathy to whatever she felt she needed to say.  I am determined not to get defensive and try very hard not to invalidate her feelings.  After contacting my son about this, we have agreed to meet next weekend, as he would like me to attend his stepson's birthday party, which, I guess, I would not otherwise be invited to.

I'm nervous about it and have no idea how it will go on her part, but I'm willing to do this for my son.  Please respond with any helpful advice you might have.  Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Wishing you all peace and comfort in your lives.  

Schmoopie

[kells76]

Oof -- that's a lot going on. I'm glad your son's tests were mostly OK, and that he accepted the anxiety/depression meds. Sometimes meds/supplements can be like crutches -- we won't always have a broken leg, but for a while, they can help us get through.

After reading the responses a couple of weeks ago and reading some of the articles here, I began thinking about how I can go about trying to move ahead and keep my son in my life.  I decided that I was willing to sit down with her and listen intently and with empathy to whatever she felt she needed to say.  I am determined not to get defensive and try very hard not to invalidate her feelings.  After contacting my son about this, we have agreed to meet next weekend, as he would like me to attend his stepson's birthday party, which, I guess, I would not otherwise be invited to.

I'm nervous about it and have no idea how it will go on her part, but I'm willing to do this for my son.  Please respond with any helpful advice you might have.  Your input would be greatly appreciated.

It takes a lot to be willing to sit down with and genuinely listen to a pwBPD. You really love your son and are willing to try that to keep that relationship channel open with him.

It's also good that you recognize that doing invalidation can be a bigger issue than not doing validation. It can be an easier "in" to the world of true validation, too -- sometimes it's easier to stop invalidating, than to start validating.

Maybe we can do a little "emotional validation boot camp" back here with you, to prep for your weekend? It could be helpful to feel more prepared and confident, like: "OK, whatever happens, I've read about these tools and skills, and have practiced them as much as I can. I'm in a better place than I was!"

To kick it off, something important to keep in mind about genuine emotional validation is that it isn't:

-agreeing with her interpretation, reasoning, or "facts"
-trying to be positive
-apologizing for things you didn't do, or already apologized for
-convincing her you love her
-capitulating to her demands
-caving in
-quietly fuming about her, but not saying anything
-taking verbal abuse
-saying "yes, I agree, but..."
-reciting a rote line like "I understand you feel angry. Can you tell me about your anger?"
-a magic wand that fixes her

True, genuine emotional validation happens when you identify the feelings behind her words, put yourself in the position of feeling that way, think about how it would feel, and focus your comments on that. It's a way of building positive (or at least neutral) connection safely. Relationships improve when there's positive connection.

An example might be:

Her: I hope you know why I asked you to come here today. You should know what you've done. I've had to defend myself to you over and over through texts, and honestly I don't know why I keep trying when you hurt me with your looks, your coldness, your rejection, and the way you ran into me in the kitchen and said nothing. If you don't apologize for all of that and really support me, we're done, and I'm protecting the kids from you -- they can't be around someone like you.

You: Wow, that's a lot. I'd hate having to defend myself repeatedly to family.

In that example, she blamed, threatened, and laundry-listed you. It's tempting to defend yourself and explain "what really happened", or to beg and convince her to change. But with pwBPD, that generally escalates the situation, as (even though they may not be able to articulate this) they don't feel like their emotions were really heard. When you can hear an emotion in her rant (she felt like she had to defend herself), you can put yourself in that position: how would it feel if you felt like you had to repeatedly defend yourself to family? Well, that wouldn't feel good, would it?

That is the genuine validation. Regardless of the source of the feeling -- whether her "reasons" for feeling that way make sense -- you can genuinely say that yes, if you felt that way, it'd suck, it'd hurt, it wouldn't feel good.

And, in that example, less is more. There wasn't some explanation that followed, or a monologue, or "it's my turn now" -- it's just commenting, in a validating way, on the feelings that she's communicating (in a low skilled manner).

...

As you think ahead to this meeting, what do you think she'll likely say? We can game plan back here with you, if you'd like.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Schmoopie]

Kells76,

Wow!  Thank you.  That's very helpful.  Maybe not easy, but I can certainly work on it prior to our meeting.

Gosh, I really am not sure what she's going to say.  I imagine it will be something concerning how I haven't made her family a priority and that I put more effort into my other children and grandchildren.  And the way she will present her complaints, or whatever it will be, is hard to predict as well.  We have never had any face-to-face confrontation.  It's just been through her texting, which was very mean-spirited and hateful, in my opinion. 

Your response about what "validation isn't" helps me to think about the things I should not be saying and the attitude I need to maintain.  I plan to keep that list in front of me this week as I prepare.

I really liked your examples.  Such a great help.  Never having been in this situation before, it is difficult to contemplate the right words I should be using to not escalate further conflict.  I'm hopeful the meeting will go well, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking this will solve everything, if anything at all.  I've read enough about this illness to realize that it will take a whole lot more than one meeting.

What is encouraging, though, is that my son did tell me that she was able to get back into therapy and supposedly had an appointment the end of January.  Hopefully she actually attended.

[GaGrl]

It's also important to remember that, to a pwBPD...

Feelings are facts, and facts are interpreted through feelings.

She feels that you don't prioritize her family, her children. Therefore, that is a fact to her.

You cannot JADE. She is not in a place to hear or receive rational, reality-based facts. You could put it in a spreadsheet, and she still would not "see" your reality.

Please be prepared, should you ask what she needs from you, for her answer to be something that you cannot give. Perhaps write out your 2-3 main boundary statements. You might have the meeting and still have to say, "I'm sorry, but that is not something I can provide to you."

[livednlearned]

Oof is right. I agree with kells76, it's a lot to go through. The holidays can get so wacky when BPD is in the mix. The pressure to belong can really unravel a person.

As an aside, it's interesting that your son thinks you need to resolve things with his wife when it was your daughter who confronted DIL...

Also interesting that the stress in his home life is affecting his health enough he thought he might be having a heart attack. It suggests how difficult his living situation is. You mention his wife has an appointment with a therapist, but hopefully your son is seeing someone too.  

I don't know if this will be helpful with DIL because she may be more cunning than SD26, but I found it worked best when I sort of set the pace if that makes sense. SD26 seemed to ... toy with me and that made it hard for me to get in the right headspace to feel empathy and validate her.

My fall back when I felt like I lost the thread was to pivot to validating questions. It can get total banana peels in a conversation with a pwBPD. Validating questions are like a hand rail you can reach for.

There's a really good book called I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms that has an excellent section on asking validating questions. If you don't want to buy the book there's an excerpt here on that section alone that can be useful.

You can do this and have really good boundaries at the same time.

You can set the boundaries casually at the outset. "I'm here to listen and knowing me, it's going to take a beat for me to process so please bear with me -- I might need to reflect first."

Or something to that effect. In your words.

You may feel more grounded than I did -- after living with SD26 I struggled with feelings of resentment and animosity and at times anger. Both of these (validating questions and explicit call-outs about giving myself time to respond) helped me drive the pace so I didn't feel it was game, set, match so much.

In retrospect I think SD26's behaviors are more instinctive than manipulative. Thinking about it that way made it less personal, even though it felt personal.

There are positive signs that your son wants to stay connected. This is pure speculation but it almost makes me wonder if DIL felt she scored some points after the outburst by setting things up to publicly be cast as the victim.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Schmoopie,

I am also here because of a BPD DIL. I recognize so much of what you are saying, and have lived it. Instead of me typing it all out or responding to specific things you said, please feel free to read my prior posts here.
I am happy to report my son left his wife, it took a long time and there were times he and I were not speaking, we had some screaming fights, and then there were times he came to me and confided in me. It was just all over the place.
If you want to ask me any questions, I will do my best to answer.

Hi livednlearned, it's great to see you. I actually think about you often.

[kells76]

Hey, just checking in -- did you end up meeting with DIL this past weekend?

[Schmoopie]

Kells76,

Thanks for checking in.  I've been meaning to post an update but just having a hard time, I guess.

But the answer is, no, we did not meet.  I called my son the day before to confirm, but he apologized that he didn't contact me sooner because something had come up with one of the kids, and it wasn't going to work out.  I think I half expected this, and to be perfectly honest, I was dreading it so I was somewhat relieved.

However, since then starting a few days later, I began receiving more texts from her with many accusations of all of my wrongdoings towards her and a couple of memes, I guess you would call them, of how hurtful it is to tell someone what upsets you, but instead of apologizing, they make you feel bad and feel regret for saying anything.  My daughter who lives out of state also received a message from her a couple hours before the first message I received.

I tried my hardest to remain calm in my words, but I did respond to her inquiry as to what made me so upset about what she said in her previous messages to me and also responding to questions she had about what my position was with her and the children.  I wasn't even able to respond to half of it because she kept texting before I could finish my responses.  I made sure a couple of times to validate her feelings, but when I did, she called it dismissive.

Even though she wasn't cursing at me or calling me names this time, other than criticizing my communication, stating my lack of compassion for them, and saying I'm gaslighting her, along with several false statements, I still felt it was verbal abuse and told her I would not accept it, if she wasn't going to say anything constructive.

I may not have handled it perfectly, but I did try to utilize the advice I was given here.  Needless to say, it doesn't look like a sitdown will be happening anytime soon.  It's unfortunate because one of the grandsons is having a birthday party tomorrow, but I am just not comfortable going because, as well, I've had recent communication from my son expressing his disappointment in the way she's been treated by the family and some disappointments he has been harboring about some events with him and a couple other family members in the past.  But they haven't contacted me about the party again so I'm not sure I would be welcome anyway.  I did reach out to them, though, to wish him a happy birthday on the actual day and to find out when would be convenient to take him to dinner -- he's young and does not have a phone -- but they have never responded to that.

It's kind of ironic, though, because the week before I got a message from him saying he needed a place to stay, and it was clear things were not going well between them.

It's been extremely disheartening, of course, but I'm doing my best to not take it personally (although it's sometimes hard not to question if I could have done something differently) and not beat myself up over it.

So I just push to move forward each day and pray for both of them...and myself.

Thanks for the advice and concern.