not sure what i'm looking for...

[frog44]

my sister and i have been NC for a year, and honestly, if it weren't for the way it hurts my relationships with other family members, i would happily continue. our personal relationship is past any chance of reconciliation, and i find her behavior unacceptable. a huge part of me is sad and grieving- she was a huge part of my childhood and it feels like there is a hole in my life. the other half of me is relieved... she is so toxic, vindictive, and unpredictable that there is 0 chance for safety in her presence (i mostly mean emotional, but in some cases, physical threats or concerns based on past behavior). i am sad for her as well, knowing that she can't help that she's this way, and it must be hard for her to not be able to sustain any relationship (friends or romantic partners) or consistency with jobs, etc. but she is not getting treatment and uses her mental health as an excuse to say/do whatever she wants with no consequences. i'm just not sure what to do anymore.

recently, i've made the decision that i won't go home for the holidays. i felt confident that this was the right choice- i deserve to have a healthy and peaceful holiday without being yelled at or walking on eggshells. since we've been NC this last year, it wasn't realistic to expect we could have Christmas together without her bringing up the fact that we haven't spoken in a year/past arguments, etc. so i made alternate plans, but i'm still really sad about it. not having Christmas with her means i don't get to have Christmas with my parents, grandparents, or surrounding family members. i feel like it's the best thing for me, but feel like being NC with her means that she "gets" everyone. i don't want to talk to her, but it hurts my relationship with other family members since they continually take her side (not outwardly, but by being afraid to hurt her feelings).

i guess i'm just sad and lonely. i've cried a lot about this- and most of my friends just don't get it. they think i shouldn't let her stop me from going home- but i don't think they understand how toxic and manipulative she actually is. i don't know what i really want or need, but i think mostly i am looking for support as i navigate all of this.

[Notwendy]

Hi Frog-

I think we understand this here. My BPD mother was angry at me during the last part of my father's illness. At the time he passed, she had created a wedge between him and me, her family and family friends on her side. I had lost a father but also what felt like all of her side of the family who seemed to have "taken her side".

I undestand the grief. I didn't go completely NC with my mother's family but went very LC and also LC with her. If I were to tell them my own side of the situation, they would be left with wondering who to believe. I just let them choose her and let them be. This went on for some time. I just went my way and didn't say anything. If I ran into them, I remained cordial and polite.

Recently, one of them reached out to me and reconnected. I proceeded with caution. We met up and they began to apologize to me- they had been around my mother long enough to have figured things out. I was shocked- I was so used to them believing her.

I hope that there is this possibility for you. For me, I think the only way for them to realize what is going on is for them to deal with my mother themselves.

So your family wants you to show up for Christmas and ignore how your sister treats you. However, if this is what you feel is best for you, take care of you. Let them deal with the family dynamics.

[SaltyDawg]

Frog44,

   Welcome to BPD Family.  We are here to listen and support you.

   From what you have described you are very conflicted, more conflicted than you are willing to admit to yourself about going home for the holidays and having to deal with all of the drama with your sister, yet on the flip side of the coin, you will also miss all of your relatives especially your grandparents.  This can be very confusing and frustrating especially as you really don't know what you want to do, and this can make you feel as though you are missing out on those who are dear to you.  It is okay to feel this way.

   If you can afford it, I would suggest seeking out an individual therapist to help you interactively process these feelings.  Seeing a therapist has been very helpful for me.

   You need to do what is best for you and your own mental wellbeing.

   I know my holiday affairs are to visit two sets of relatives, one on my side, the other on my wife's side, and we spend days with each other.  Perhaps you might want to consider a compromise and temporarily move from NC to LC (limited contact), where you visit only for a few hours, chat with the relatives you want to, and only engage the ones you don't only when spoken to by them, and when they engage keep it BIFF (brief informational friendly and factual) while avoiding getting into bad feelings and keeping it on shallow topics.  Avoid open ended questions/statements (to limit engagement), and keep your answers as brief as necessary when dealing with your sister or questions posed to you by other relatives about your sister to yes/no answers.  If it becomes overwhelming, excuse yourself to the restroom (even if you don't need to go), and move on to another relative when you re-engage.  What do you think would be good for you?

   For me, unless your sister has enlisted your relatives as her 'flying monkeys', I personally would consider a limited engagement (if practical) of being there a few hours (gift exchange and a meal) and then move on.  However, you aren't me.  You need to figure out what is good for you, and then do you.

   Whatever you decide to do for the holidays, follow your gut feeling on this.  

   I am going to end with a piece of advice, be sure to do self-care whatever that might look like for you.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[zachira]

It is heartbreaking to feel you can't go home for the holidays because of how you will be treated by your sister and with a lot of the family enabling her behaviors in different degrees. I did not go home for Christmas the last few years my mother with BPD was alive because I feared how I would be treated by my sister with NPD and brother with BPD. Since my mother's death, I spend the holidays alone most of the time. Nearly all of my relatives have bought into the lies that my siblings tell about me, that I am a troublemaker, and I am shunned by many relatives. I have had to choose very carefully which friends to share with my sorrow about my family;  there are very few who get it and who have been there for me.
You are setting an important boundary, prioritizing your well being and safety. There is probably very little hope that those people who enable your sister's behaviors will sympathize with you, as enabling the abuse of another human being, usually is part of a lifelong pattern of lack of self awareness and empathy. My biggest mistake was to ever share with family members how I felt about being abused, as this made them angry with me for trying to change many generations of abuse and made me the enemy.
You likely will want to be closer to some of your family members than others. Go slowly with telling them the truth about why you are keeping your distance, and carefully observe who you may be able to trust more, who you may want to have more meaningful contact with.
I hope you will find some ways to enjoy the holidays, though sad not to be able to be with your family. I was very sad the first Christmas I felt I could not go, and cried a great deal. Now I am at peace most of the time over the holidays. I am in general much happier, and less overwhelmed by the challenges of dealing with my disordered family members.
I admire your courage and you will get through the holidays without your family, though it will be harder the first time round.

[HappyChappy]

Welcome to the forum Frog44

I can relate. What helped me re-connect with my BPD was just dealing with her by text messages. It strips out any emotion and manipulation, as someone with a PD is careful to avoid an audit trail and plays to the crowd. But other folk are impulsive or struggle with emotions (BPD magnifies that) so text messages filters that out too.

If you’re NC you'll likely be her enemy, as BPD makes accepting blame almost impossible at times, so they project unfair blame away as their only release. If you can demonstrate you're bullet proof to her provocations, she'll lose interest and find another target.

But that takes time. J.A.D.E. worked well for me, (from memory) don't "Justify, Argue, Debate or Explain.". I use to teach, so it's the opposite to that. But folk with a PD aren't looking to learn if they've got the crowed on their side and their manipulation has always worked.

Other family members won't understand until they become her target for a long while. Sibling rivalry ? They may well be "humouring her" or just avoiding being the target, but that doesn't mean they agree with her behaviour. Maybe they see it as symptoms of her mental illness, as it doesn’t affect them (until targeted) as badly ?

The two people I know with PD now live alone, so my Christmas visits are so I can feel I'm doing the right thing. But they still use old triggers that no longer work on me and say that "my brother said" when I know he's still NC with them. You'll find a way.