>Conflicted if I should start a love affair with a quite bpd person

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She's been obsessed with me for many years. Untreated. Tried many subtle manipulations to get me to flirt with her. Despite many subtle rejections from me she's still after me. Lots of silent drama. All in all, I know that this can never be love or a future together. A love affair at best. I was hoping she would find somebody else by now and forget me, but no. I had very deep emotional feelings (addiction) for her which I resisted for many years, and bare in mind I haven't even had intimate relations with her. So why do I resist do you say? I don't know her or what she is capable of. Is she a typical bpd problem or can it be relatively smooth sailing. Hard to say. Everywhere I look people say run away from bpd and avoid office romance. Here is the problem:


1. We work at the same company. But I rarely see her.  Hard to say if she might get paranoid or do something crazy like a hr harassment complaint if I for example wasn't giving enough attention to her or she felt I was ditching her. I could cover my bases, but not sure just how unpredictable she is.

2. I don't know how clingy or needy she might get. It might drain me, I don't know.

3. Boundaries are the surest way to piss her off and presto, drama. Or she'll try to get around them.

So all in all, do you think it's a foregone conclusion that it's not worth it at all?

[VMAN]

She's been obsessed with me for many years. Untreated. Tried many subtle manipulations to get me to flirt with her. Despite many subtle rejections from me she's still after me. Lots of silent drama. All in all, I know that this can never be love or a future together. A love affair at best. I was hoping she would find somebody else by now and forget me, but no. I had very deep emotional feelings (addiction) for her which I resisted for many years, and bare in mind I haven't even had intimate relations with her. So why do I resist do you say? I don't know her or what she is capable of. Is she a typical bpd problem or can it be relatively smooth sailing. Hard to say. Everywhere I look people say run away from bpd and avoid office romance. Here is the problem:


1. We work at the same company. But I rarely see her.  Hard to say if she might get paranoid or do something crazy like a hr harassment complaint if I for example wasn't giving enough attention to her or she felt I was ditching her. I could cover my bases, but not sure just how unpredictable she is.

2. I don't know how clingy or needy she might get. It might drain me, I don't know.

3. Boundaries are the surest way to piss her off and presto, drama. Or she'll try to get around them.

So all in all, do you think it's a foregone conclusion that it's not worth it at all?

[VMAN]

Even though I understand this will not last if I get involved, I still wonder if my emotions will affect my health..

[kells76]

Hello VMAN and welcome back to the boards.

I'm guessing you are referring to the same person from last December -- your married coworker?

In the past, it sounded like you were more closed off to an affair and were more in a place of trying to understand why she seemed to not take No for an answer. And it sounds like she's still doing pretty much the same stuff she always did. What would you say has changed for you over the last year, to be considering getting involved?

For me, I'm having some bigger questions than "should you or should you not". I think the biggest question from me for you would be -- there are many available, generally healthy women out there, and there are dating apps, speed dating, mutual friends, shared interest groups, city nightlife, etc. If you dig deep, can you look at why she is the one you're focused on, when there are other options?

In general, fixation on "her or nobody" is something important to look at, whether the desired partner has BPD or not, is already married or not, is a coworker or not, etc. That fixation comes from inside of you.

Getting more clarity on why you want what you want can help you in your decision-making.

Even though I understand this will not last if I get involved, I still wonder if my emotions will affect my health..

What have you experienced in the past, in terms of the interaction between your emotions and your health?

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with kells.

I will add a question - has she had other relationships, at your work?  If so, how did they turn out?

No need to answer here, but if the answer is 'yes' you will have the answer on how it will likely turn out for you if she did, as past behaviors are a pretty good indication on future ones.  Is she worth the trouble?

I am not you, so I cannot tell you what to do.  However, if I was in your shoes, I would tell myself "run, Forest run..."

Take care with self-care.

SD

[ForeverDad]

If you can see  red flags even now, before a possible relationship, then why risk it?  As the others noted, why even consider it at all?

If you've read some of the histories described here, the discord, dysfunction, mental unstable and unhealthiness, it can get quite scary.  Maybe not at first, but that the direction it takes.  Then if there's a baby her hooks (your sense of obligation) are into you even more so.

Counseling may help you determine why you would even be considering a relationship with dysfunctional her.

[VMAN]

Well, this crazy woman has had some  benefitial effects on my personality and wellbeing from afar which feels good as I have never had so much long term exposure over so many years to someone with such a wide variety of behaviour. I know there is plenty of fish in the sea, but its not as easy as it sounds on paper. It's complicated. She moves me in a way that few women do. I've found my own way to enjoy life while she is in the background. Having her in my life has exposed all the flaws in my character and helps me to gradually be a better person. It's an amazing process.


I like being free and could have her partime in my life, but from what I understand they like to control your life?

Well, she's tried many tricks to try and reel me in. You know what I mean. On the last attempt I almost gave in. It drove me nuts in a way I never felt before with a woman.

[SaltyDawg]

Well, this crazy woman has had some  benefitial effects on my personality and wellbeing from afar which feels good as I have never had so much long term exposure over so many years to someone with such a wide variety of behaviour. I know there is plenty of fish in the sea, but its not as easy as it sounds on paper. It's complicated. She moves me in a way that few women do. I've found my own way to enjoy life while she is in the background. Having her in my life has exposed all the flaws in my character and helps me to gradually be a better person. It's an amazing process.

I like being free and could have her partime in my life, but from what I understand they like to control your life?

Well, she's tried many tricks to try and reel me in. You know what I mean. On the last attempt I almost gave in. It drove me nuts in a way I never felt before with a woman.

I am going to be very blunt, so you know what you are getting yourself involved with.

www.tinyurl.com/FFatalAttraction - is a BPD's perspective on movies about borderlines.  You might want to watch one of the more popular ones, Fatal Attraction, to see what you are getting yourself into - you will never look at the kitchen sink the same way again.

The cliche "crazy in the head = crazy is bed" unfortunately is true.  In the beginning you will have a 'PLEASE READ buddy' like no other; however, with this level of crazy, they expect you to take care of them, validate them, be the person that completes them.  You will definitely get enmeshed and likely engulfed too.

Because their own emotions are so out of control, they grab on to whatever they can to control it, and that will include you.  They will give you 300% effort, however, in return they expect all that and more from you.  I personally believe it is these kinds of relationships where the term "crazy for you" has come from.  Consider yourself warned, we will likely see you again, once you have been devalued and/or discarded by this person.  Is the very limited carnal pleasure worth the potential lifetime of emotional damage to you?

Take care of yourself.  Please remember borderlines are people too, they have feelings, and if you cross them, some can respond literally like a psychopath as the old definition of a borderline was a person who would fluctuate between being normal and a psychopath.  The movie Fatal Attraction will illustrate this.

Take care with self-care.

[Tangled mangled]

She's been obsessed with me for many years. Untreated. Tried many subtle manipulations to get me to flirt with her. Despite many subtle rejections from me she's still after me. Lots of silent drama. All in all, I know that this can never be love or a future together. A love affair at best. I was hoping she would find somebody else by now and forget me, but no. I had very deep emotional feelings (addiction) for her which I resisted for many years, and bare in mind I haven't even had intimate relations with her. So why do I resist do you say? I don't know her or what she is capable of. Is she a typical bpd problem or can it be relatively smooth sailing. Hard to say. Everywhere I look people say run away from bpd and avoid office romance. Here is the problem:


1. We work at the same company. But I rarely see her.  Hard to say if she might get paranoid or do something crazy like a hr harassment complaint if I for example wasn't giving enough attention to her or she felt I was ditching her. I could cover my bases, but not sure just how unpredictable she is.

2. I don't know how clingy or needy she might get. It might drain me, I don't know.

3. Boundaries are the surest way to piss her off and presto, drama. Or she'll try to get around them.

So all in all, do you think it's a foregone conclusion that it's not worth it at all?

Sounds like you are looking to play with fire and hoping you don’t get burned. 

Salty dawg has given you sound advice here.
We will be here to support you.


Look after yourself.
The trauma that’s stored in our bodies and minds is the very essence of appeal to these relationships. The pwbpd knows how to temporarily suit your trauma and once in your life, she will mirror that trauma and amplify it until sh8t hits the roof.

Take care of yourself

[ForeverDad]

I find myself recommending counseling more and more these days.  And not just for the other person.  We would do well to seek counseling for ourselves too.  None of us are perfect.  There are always areas of our lives we can improve.

Counselors can be helpful just as family law attorneys can be helpful, depending on your situation.  There's another comparison I'd like to make.  We often say not every lawyer has the experience and proactive expertise to unwind an acting-out personality disordered relationship.  Similarly, the first counselor you meet may not be the right fit for you, so don't feel bad if you need to select the insight of another counselor.