My Last Try

[LyrikalAristotle]

I just recently found this forum, and I am going to post to see if there is anyone who can help guide me on what to do about my relationship with my BPD parent. It is slowly destroying my sense of self, and my mental health is in an extremely dark place. Nobody has been able to understand or give me usable advice everywhere I have gone.

Here's the situation, I will break it down into sections:

My mom is a middle-aged woman who has some significant health issues. Most recently, she has had a major surgery that has taken away her ability to walk. I am her sole caretaker. I have been taking care of her since 2019. I am an older young adult. I graduated from undergrad and am currently in my last year of a grad school program. I have worked multiple professional full-time jobs in law and finance. At my peak, I was working four full-time jobs to support her and myself while trying to make sure I did not end up financially underwater.

Health:
My mom is currently unable to walk on her own. She had surgery that was supposed to fix this issue, but it made her condition a bit worse. This forced me to become a full-time caretaker for her in the middle of 2022. It has caused her to spend most of her time in isolation because she does not have any friends and has difficulties managing relationships. However, this has resulted in extreme stress and caused her BPD symptoms to become more pronounced. Unfortunately, because of her condition, I cannot leave her by herself without any help. She cannot leave her bed or house without significant assistance. If this were not the case, I would walk out of the door.

Behaviors:
She is highly unpredictable and volatile and suffers from psychiatric delusions. Growing up, I did not understand it, but I always needed to lie to protect myself. I lied about everything and to everyone because I knew that she would react excessively to whatever the underlying issue was. As I have gotten older, I have had to lie to protect my profession, my friends, and my sanity. In her mind, I have become the anti-Christ and "have become her enemy."

She calls my employers, leaves terrible voicemails, and terrorizes me with the idea of calling my jobs and my schools to tell them how much of a liar I am and how I am "breaking the law." She often tells me how I am going to end up in jail and I will deserve it for all the things I have done to her. I would ignore these threats, but I am very well-connected in my area, and she knows some of the top prosecutors in my state who would give her a sympathetic ear. If that happens, I will be in extremely deep trouble, and my career will be finished.

She needs help getting things, but she uses this to wake me up at all hours of the night to talk in circles about things I have done to her as a child up until the present day. In these conversations, I have to concede that I am "mentally unwell, and I am a liar, manipulator, and need medication." In these conversations, she goes over the deep end and calls the police or whomever she can think of to try to ruin my life. OR I must agree to withdraw from school, or she will have me expelled. (She somewhat did this to me in undergrad, but I did not understand that I was not the problem; it took me five years to work out of that mess). These conversations go on for HOURS; I believe her current record is six hours. I have no choice but to participate until it's over because of the possibility of her executing these threats since she's done it before.

She often fantasizes about being placed in prison. She tells me how I will pay for the things I have done to her and that I am going to be [redacted] in jail, along with other things I should not repeat on this website.

Money:
I am in deep trouble. My accounts are drained, and I often have no money. I mentioned before that I have been supporting her since 2019. She has taken cold advantage of me, my kindness, and the fact that I cannot possibly say no because of her vice-grip on my future. When she could walk, she often took my card and went on extreme spending sprees. She racked up thousands and thousands of dollars in purchases. This is when I had to work full-time while in school to make sure the bills were paid. She had jobs, but they never worked out, and I am beginning to understand why.

Fast forward to the 2020s. I got a real job while in school, and she caused me to get fired with her antics. She used to call and hang up on my supervisor at odd night hours so that "I could get her point." There were times she would get angry that I was working and demand that I stop working and speak to her about whatever was making her upset because she "[redacted] about that job, and will make you lose that [redacted] job."

I used to get refunds for school, and they would get deposited into her account, and she would spend it all on designer clothes and a bunch of cheap items from Target. I'm talking thousands of dollars at Target. She would ride me around in her car and make me participate in blowing through all of my money and watch me live in pure distress at what was happening. Completely oblivious. In 2021, when I went to grad school, I stopped depositing my refund into her account. However, she would rage and threaten until I handed over my debit card, and she would continue her sprees.

She moved on to online shopping. Now my house is full of at least 20 to 30k of unopened boxes, which she says she will do "when she gets better and [her] sickness is what prevents her from opening it, and I am wrong for bringing this up." "What do I expect her to do? It's selfish of me to believe she should just sit here and do nothing while I live my life." With her health issues emerging in early 2023, the massive spending has slowed. However, I am financially ruined. I took out loans to ensure I could still pay the rent or take care of other expenses. There have been times when I could not bear the bills and had to lie about them being paid because she was so oblivious to her behavior that she could not understand why I had no money left.

It's also terrible because we cannot find anything in here. When she can't find it, she accuses me of stealing it and giving it away and starts doing things to me that cannot be reversed, like engaging in destruction of property, voicemails, text messages, and emails to people who will not listen to me by the time she is done.

This has led to extreme arguments where she has forced me to open my bank account for her to examine. She's even called my bank to find out my balances and spoke to customer service about my issues with my account after they had shut my card off for improper usage and me filing claims to re-coupe my money. I have lost numerous bank accounts because I have tried tirelessly to get the money back that she would steal, but she would never quite understand that as the case. Again, I am "nothing but a liar and manipulator that goes around using people."

There was even an incident where I took out a loan, she found out, and I had to convince her that I was for her for an overpriced gift so she wouldn't ruin a lunch I was having with a friend. I bought the gift to keep the peace when it was financially feasible. However, she did not like it and wanted to return it for another item. I told her that when she was ready, I would purchase a different item of the same value. No. She convinced herself that I gifted her the money and demanded that I turn it over to her (while I was in a period of insolvency); otherwise, I was going to jail. I had to make the money appear. She has taken it and convinced herself it is hers.

I have reached a point where I can no longer keep up with the demands of working multiple full-time jobs, and I am now unemployed and burned out. My savings have disappeared. I cannot keep anything in savings that she knows about. She occasionally offers to "pay me back," but when those moments arrive, she will argue and resort to manipulation again to not hand it over.

Here's the kicker. She receives SSDI but does not pay a portion of her rent or any bills. There was a circumstance that made it so she could not give me her portion on one particular month, and I decided to continue paying it. My biggest concern was that she had some money if something happened to me. She has no other family, and no one will care. So, she has a sizeable amount of savings. She COULD pay me back. She refuses to do so for some sick reason.

She believes I would be incapable of taking care of myself and saving this much money alone. She told me I was ungrateful and unappreciative because "the money was there in case anything happened to HER, for ME to be okay." She told me I should let her know when I receive my refund so she can budget for the time I have to stop working to take my state exam to enter my profession. She follows up with, "Also, I should be thinking more like an adult and help budget to replace her deteriorating furniture set so I can "start my life" after she leaves this earth.

The "start my life" comment forced me to understand and see what everyone else saw. She has frozen me in time in her mind, convinced herself that my lies to protect myself and my sanity are me being a mentally unwell child and that my life has not "actually started." I am a grown man who has had multiple careers and is almost 30 years old. I do not know what to do; it is all out of control. My house is filled with about $30 to $40k worth of merchandise in unopened boxes going back to 2021.

Me:
I am exhausted. I no longer sleep, and I barely survive on energy drinks. My health is declining rapidly. There are days that I feel like I cannot get out of bed due to the severity of her episodes. My jobs are pissed at me because I no longer can pay attention to detail. I cannot focus, and I cannot manage to comprehend information anymore due to my brain being under constant stress.

My school is practically done accommodating me, and I almost was dismissed and am not graduating on time, which means I have no ceremony and I will receive this degree in the mail. She has made me miss my entire semester because "my schedule was made selfishly and non-considerate of the physical therapy appointments she has." **She never even went** I have asked her numerous times to give me a schedule to accommodate, and she never did it. I pay a transportation service to get her from doctors appointments and other things. He offered to let me pay a flat rate to get her to her appointments, she wont make them. When I offer to help, she tells me that I need to consider what my actions (lying to protect myself and her figuring it out) have done to her and how it is contributing to her inability to get better.

I cannot escape this clean. I am going to lose somewhere, and people will get hurt behind my actions of leaving. However, I feel like I am dying. In fact, I am struggling to keep my eyes open, I have a painful mass in my chest, and strange pains in my jugular. This is why I am often concerned that "this will be the day that I have a heart attack from trying to do this all by myself" while her mental state worsens and she becomes more terrifying.

I have lost friends, opportunities, and life in-general. This isn't the bulk of what she has done to me, but I am torn. She has no one else and is in an extremely vulnerable situation. It is difficult to pack up and walk out of the door considering everything I have shared. Also, we have a small dog. She is 12 years old this year, to whom she is extremely attached. However, there's no way she can take care of the dog. If I take her though, there is a chance she kills herself from the grief of both of us leaving or tracks me down and proceeds to destroy the new life that I created.

What do I do??? Has anyone here faced something similar? No one has any answers for me, so I turn to this site. Please excuse my typos, I am doing my best.

[TelHill]

Hello LyrikalAristotle and welcome to the forum 

I had a response which disappeared due to the board glitch so will post again.

Your bpd mom is bullying and manipulating you to get what she wants. Her wants have no limits and show no maternal love and empathy for you. This is really rough for anyone to deal with.  This is a strong word but she's stealing your money, your independence and ability to have happiness.

I have a dBPD mom who on the far end of the BPD spectrum as well. An abusive bpd parent tends to groom their young child to meet her needs (being her parent, for example) and making you feel like your needs are a big problem which should be eliminated. I know this made me afraid when I wanted to break free and feel depressed for not standing up for myself.

Your mom needs to consider assisted living. You deserve to begin your life using the money you've earned and keep it for yourself. She needs to be responsible for her own bills. She needs to return those expensive purchases and freeze her credit cards to stop that extravagant shopping. It's time for her to grow up.

I'd suggest getting your own place when you can. I've found CoDependents Anonymous very helpful for me to heal from a difficult childhood with disordered family members. There are other 12 step groups if those would help like for adult children of alcoholics.

Your mom's lifestyle is almost parasitic by the way she is coercing and controlling most aspects of your life. Again, you deserve to have your own life.

[Methuen]

Your mom's lifestyle is almost parasitic by the way she is coercing and controlling most aspects of your life. Again, you deserve to have your own life.

I totally agree.  She has groomed you from birth probably to take care of her needs.  This probably seems normal for you (as it did for all of us at one time), but it’s not.  She is controlling you and your life, which means YOUR needs are not being met.

Look up the terms emotional incest and parentification on this site.

Since you are a grad student, have you tried accessing any student counseling services on campus or elsewhere?

One of the reasons she has done all these things is because you don’t seem to use or apply boundaries for what you are willing to do.  We have all had to learn how to use boundaries here, and it’s a really hard thing to do because we are afraid of our bpd moms. I am a daughter of a ubpd mom, but I suspect it can be even worse for the sons in some ways.

This site also has good info on boundaries.  It’s a process to use them - but we must to preserve our own mental health. 

Working 4 full time jobs while going to school and taking care of her?  That’s “parentification”.  And she still abuses you even though you do all that.  I believe that the more you do, the worse they treat you.  That’s what happened to me, and I had to back off the caretaking.

Most of us here also see a counselor/therapist.

I just want to say your stress, frustration and feelings of unwellness because of her are warranted.  What she has done and how she is treating you is not ok.  But she’s not going to stop, so what can you do differently to take back your own life, and stop living hers?

It can get better.

 Do you already have a T?

[CC43]

Aristotle,

I wrote you a long message here that was lost in the glitch.  I summary, I agree with the other posters.

Aristotle said you can't do anything in the world without courage.  Please find the courage now to save yourself.  Open your own bank account, get your own place, finish school and work towards getting your dream job.  You are smart, you can do it once you release yourself from your mother's grip.  You shouldn't share with her any intimate details--she shouldn't know your supervisor's name or contact details, for example.  Her track record shows that anything you say can and will be used against you, so avoid telling her much.  If she calls you, just let the call go to voicemail, and you can decide whether and when to respond.  If she texts you nonsense, just delete like it's spam, because it is spam.  If there's really an emergency, she can dial 911.

Your mother isn't just a bully, she's a terrorist, because she's trying to sabotage your life to get full control of you.  There's no negotiating with bullies or terrorists, because they feed on that negative energy, and they've learned they get what they want by wearing you down with persistence and cruelty.  If she starts attacking you verbally, calmly leave the room, or hang up the phone.  Eventually she'll learn that intimidating you won't work.

Please find your own place.  Even a Spartan apartment sounds better than what you're facing now.  Tell your mother that she has a month to find a new living arrangement--assisted living, home health care, a roommate--and that you're not paying for her anymore.  After that you will visit her regularly if you desire, but you will not care for her every need or pay her way.  She's an adult, she should be responsible and realistic, and face the consequences of her action or inaction.  It sounds to me like she has the time, money and ability to arrange for her own care.  She just chooses not to, because she prefers to make you her slave while ignoring your needs for a happy, independent life.  That is not normal.

This abuse has gone on a long time, and your consternation and despair are warranted.  Therapy might help you.  I'm more of a doer than a talker, so for me, a couple days with physical exercise, fresh air, straightening up my living space and restful sleep help restore me enough to think straight and make plans.  I might even suggest that you stay at a friend's house or go to a hotel for a couple of nights to get some distance and needed rest.  Remember, today is a new day, and you've got this.  I hope your first step is to open your own bank account and put your money in it, without telling your mother, because it sounds like if she knew she might try to sabotage that too.  When you've done that, you've made a first step towards independence, and I bet you'll feel more powerful.  I wish you courage and peace.

[CC43]

PS Aristotle,

There were parts of your post that parallel my experience with a relative with BPD.  I've observed that a person with BPD will often project their own insecurities onto others.  For example, you say that your mother accuses you of being a liar and a manipulator, and that you need medication.  Rest assured, that is nothing more than projection.  She's the one that is a manipulator, and she's the one needing medication!

After years of abuse, you might feel confused and start to question yourself.  Maybe you even start to believe her accusations and feel the need to defend yourself.  But once you realize she's often projecting, I bet you will re-interpret many of her rants, and it will be easier to disregard them.  As she's stuck in bed, she's spending plenty of time ruminating, but because her thinking is twisted by dysregulated emotions, she's spitting out incoherent thoughts towards you, lashing out because she's unhappy with her situation.  It's almost like she's a baby crying for attention and soothing, but she has an adult's vocabulary, so she's spewing out whatever's circling in her brain.  Since all she has is you, you're the target.  And since she's your mom, she knows what she says can hurt you, and at the same time, you're hurt by her.  Aristotle said that cruel is the strife of brothers.  Family hurts the most.  Once you understand that, maybe you'll see that it's not your fault, and some of the sting will be taken away.

[SweetSass]

“Your mother isn't just a bully, she's a terrorist, because she's trying to sabotage your life to get full control of you.  There's no negotiating with bullies or terrorists, because they feed on that negative energy, and they've learned they get what they want by wearing you down with persistence and cruelty. “

Thank you for this! 

I have a very parasitic Bpd mother and she has successfully smeared and isolated me from a very young age.  She goes out of her way to ruin my reputation, hurls false accusations at me, orchestrates chaos in my life despite my many attempts at keeping her Very Low Contact. 

She has demanded that she move in with me and commanded that I am financially responsible for her, belittles me, tells me that I am to not talk to any other relative but badmouths me to others so that I am alone. 

She is very jealous and possessive of me and has made it clear that she deserves compliance and respect.  She is deeply in debt and raged that she will live with me or break down my door if I refuse.

Obviously I am not professionally equipped to deal with this level of authoritarian sociopathic elderly mother.

For me, I went No Contact.  I really had no other choice. 

She is more of a terrorist.  I am struggling with cancer and she showed me so much cruelty that I can no longer have any type of relationship with her.