HELP - BPD Sister: Getting Married (Historical Context + New Story)

[Em9321]

Sorry, long post but I need help. I haven't posted on here in a long time, but I REALLY need some advice right now. Here's a recap and I will include more up to date story after:

[Initial Context ] My older sister has never been diagnosed with BPD but i am 100% certain she has it. Her outbursts have been terrifying since i was a child (smashing her head into metal water bottles, putting her foot through a windshield, shoving me into traffic, kicking my mom, telling us to bring her to the Golden Gate so she can jump off etc...). That has been going on my entire life. My parents enable her because obviously they don't know what to do, and now she is 27 years old still living at home with my parents. The latest outburst came when I told her I was moving in with my boyfriend of 7 years. She flipped out. Crying, screaming through the crack of my locked door, telling me he's a loser, that I hate the family, I'll never seen our dog and cat again etc. It is what it is at this point... However, we went about three weeks not talking. Completely ignoring and avoiding each other. Which was honestly fine for me but filled me with extreme anxiety just walking through the door. Now here's where i have no idea what to do. Today she came in and gives me a certificate for facials so we can get them done together. Obviously i don't take them and don't accept them. She doesn't apologize for how she reacted to me telling her I'm moving away and just expects me to be fine again. I tell her I'm not over the situation and that it really hurt me and how she has traumatized me over the years and how I don't reset every time she has an outburst. She tells me that I have always been horrible to her and traumatized her over the years. I tell her I'm sorry and ask her to give me examples, she can't. She tells me to give her examples so i list them out (see all examples above). She then walks away and we haven't talked since. I don't know how to act. I really don't. I'm upset, i'm sad, and my parents don't understand. My mom listens to my sister when she says I hate them and i like my friends and their parents better. My mom just doesn't understand that they let me suffer my 24 years of life with my sister tormenting me. I'm going through therapy and it's bringing up some of the most intense emotions and feelings of anger and sadness I have ever had. I'm assuming my mom just thinks I'm a brat or I like other people better. I'm having a really hard time letting go of the pain from my childhood and i really just don't know where to go from here.

[UPDATE] My sister is now 30 years old and I am 27. After all of the drama above, I moved out of my parents house and moved in with my boyfriend (now fiancee)who I have been living with for the last 3 years and it has been AMAZING! My sister still lives at home with my parents. I don't need to get into everything however after the huge blow up with my sister before I moved out things have not been bad, but more "fake" than anything else. She never apologized for her behavior and opts to pretend that it never happened after I told her how it made me feel. When we are at family functions she pretends to be interested in what's going on in my life and proceeds to be fake in front of all of our extended family - she never reaches out or attempts to make contact with me otherwise which I am fine with. My mom, dad, and sister all live at home together, and my mom has told me that everything is great... they rarely fight, she sometimes makes dinner for them and does grocery shopping  and takes our dog out for walks. She has had a full time job for years and doesn't pay rent - she is FULLY functioning and makes good money but my parents have still allowed her to live with them. She has even been dating someone for over a year and my dad told me things were good with them which came as a complete surprise to me.

Now here comes the part of the story that has completely destroyed me. I have been with my now fiancé for the last 10 years. This man has helped me get through so much. We have been together since high school, through college (despite me moving away), and even stayed together when I went overseas to play professional basketball. Four months ago, he proposed, and planned an incredible weekend, all while I was planning for my best friend from childhood and her boyfriend to come visit - he hijacked those plans and included them in the proposal, making it all that more special. Now, everyone in my life was elated, from family to friends, to people who have known us since the beginning. Knowing what my sister would think, I didn't even give her a second thought - She only texted me "congrats" in our family group chat and that was it. When I first saw her afterwards she did not say a thing about it and pretended like it never happened. It wasn't until Thanksgiving when we were at the cousin table and my other two cousins are getting married did she ask me to see my ring, then leaned over to her boyfriend and started explaining why she liked it, but how she would change this, that, make it square.... etc. I found this very strange as she has never talked about that before, but could sense that she was pushing him in some capacity.

Mind you, they DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER, and have barely been dating for 1.5 years. Fast-forward to this past Saturday, I'm running around like crazy for an event at my job - been planning this for weeks and have worked so hard on it, my parents asked to come and I get to spend a little time with them while running around. I can tell something is off... my dad is more quiet, my mom seems easily agitated, but I don't think anything of it. At the end of the event, I get a text in our family group chat and it is a picture of my sisters hand with a ring on it. I am absolutely floored, upset, sad, mad, angry, and any other emotion you can think of. For 26 years I have NEVER had ANYTHING been about me, because as soon as any form of attention is afforded to me, my sister explodes. This is ONE thing, the only thing I can say where my parents have been able to show their excitement towards, show me more love than normal, and focus on my fiancee and I without threat or jealously from my sister. Now, that is all over. She couldn't stand her little sister getting engaged before her or the spotlight not being on her for once. My mom has continuously asked when my date is and trying to figure out details, which I don't even know yet. What would have been a lovely collaborative planning process can be no more - my fiancee and I have planned for 2025. Now knowing my sister, she will probably try to do the same and have it before me.

I am destroyed. I'm so upset at my parents for not telling me. I am not surprised that my sister would do something like this, but I am holding the deepest darkest resentment and I feel like I'm spiraling back into my childhood. The only option I had was to text back and pretend like I'm excited, otherwise she wins. I have been ignoring my mom as I know if I were to talk to her, all this pent up anger and resentment will come out. Now, we are supposed to go over to my families house on Christmas to celebrate and I don't know how to handle this situation. I cannot be fake, I cannot blow up, I have NO idea what to do. I have considered pretending I am sick because I don't think I am emotionally strong enough to deal with this right now. Any advice would be so helpful right now.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Em-
Sorry for the very long response.

Welcome back to the boards and my heartfelt congratulations to you on your recent engagement.  That is wonderful news, and it sounds like your fiancé is a lovely and supportive partner.  It also seems you have a strong community of loving and supportive friends and chosen family.  Please allow yourself to lean on those reliable and stable relationships during times like this when issues with your family of origin bring up this type of pain for you.

I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t come across as “harsh”.  That is Not my intention.

I believe that Whatever enmeshment your mother has with your uBPD sister likely began before you were born.  By that I mean, there is some chance that your mom *may* have created some unhealthy attachment to your older sister when your sister was an infant (well before your birth), for whatever reason.  And this *attachment* seems to have gone both ways, and really showed itself in the way your sister emotionally exploded when you announced you were leaving the family home - which is something healthy young adults normally do… they leave the family home.

In addition, your parents’ unwillingness and appearance of cowering and *helplessness* they displayed in addressing your uBPD sister’s harmful behaviors toward you (and I’m guessing them as well) shows something deeply wrong.  That, along with their desire to keep her behaviors a secret.  I read your past posts.  I am so sorry for what you have endured during your life.

You know, we may Think we know the dynamics of our parents’ marriage and relationship, but we don’t.  Often where there’s disorder, there is something we really don’t know.  Yes, it is a mystery over why your parents didn’t have the decency to sit you down for a moment to tell you about your sister’s engagement before it came over text when they were with you in person.  Or why the text was sent on the evening of your big event.  More cowering.  They were likely “bullied” into silence and have no idea how to speak up to uBPD sister, which is truly sad.  Who knows why.  I’m guessing they could not verbalize their fear (FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  But there you have it.

I’m 66 now; and in the last several years, I have learned some pretty unsettling things about certain family members… but these things finally provide clarity and provide some answers to questions I’ve had for years.  It doesn’t make these sad feelings any easier to carry, just a bit easier to accept and let be.

Now for you, Em.  Nothing about the timing of your uBPD sister’s engagement or wedding decision will destroy you.  You are not in *competition* with her.  She may be with you, but you are NOT with her.  This is not your battle and I sincerely hope you can see clearly why.

The love you have with your fiancé is yours and yours alone.  The two of you, the love you have between you and the love you surround yourselves with does not involve uBPD sister.  At all.  This is something the two of you have built together over a period of 10 years, through teen years, university, distance, and your young adulthood together.  Cherish that.  Your wedding day is just that - a day.  Beautiful, yes.  And you’ll plan that memorable day and events leading up to it with people who matter to you.

The two of you chose to know one another deeply before deciding to marry because that was the right decision for you.  I am certain you have definite reasons for that.

Your sister operates in a more impulsive world, as do many other people.  Whether she and her boyfriend dated for 6 months or 1.5 years is no one else’s business. Not our place to judge, so please try to let that be.

So despite the fact that it Feels Like uBPD sister is intruding on your wedding date, planning with your mom, your news, your spotlight and everything else a bride-in-process may wish to feel, you’re going to have to release those negative feelings.  Hard to do, but please don’t ruin what SHOULD be a special time and period of celebration and happiness for you, your fiancé, and close family and friends.

In the end, it truly doesn’t matter what uBPD sister does or plans.  Please don’t allow anyone to sabotage your happiness and don’t allow yourself to undermine your own peace and happiness.  You can make lovely plans and keep things “quiet” by not posting every step to social media, right?

You know who she is and you know who you are.  You can hope that your sister is truly happy.  There is nothing fake about that.

Above all else, preserve your love and serenity.  This is a beautiful time for you and your fiancé.  This is a time for joy.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Em9321]

Hi Gemsforeyes,

First, I would like to thank you for your long, well-thought-out response - I do not think it is harsh at all, in fact everything you said will help me in this process of healing and understanding. In my heart of hearts I know nothing she does should effect me, I know how she reacts doesn't take away from the life I have crafted and created with those around me. I know the timing of this is not surprising and should not dictate any part of this huge life leap I am taking. Your response tells me you have been through many BPD situations and have the experience and self training to stand back from a situation like this and understand that it's not worth the mental fight.

This scenario has uprooted the deep pain I have felt but seemingly put aside after moving out. Betrayal is the one word I can think of. Nothing to do with my sister, but really my feelings towards my mom and dad and myself. I had come to the conclusion years ago that I would not rely on my mom for any form of emotional support or security as, like you said, the enmeshment and attachment with my sister created an entirely unhealthy dynamic for everyone, and I wanted no part of it. In the last 6 months, I had seen a big change in my mom. She was calmer, nicer, easier to get along with, WAY more loving towards me which she never was my entire childhood, and I even made a comment to her the other day how she seemed so much happier and calmer. After seeing her on Saturday, her demeanor was exactly like it was in years passed - cold, rushed, agitated, and seemingly asking me to cater and listen to her every agitation even though I was running a very large important event. After getting the news that night, ALL of the frustrations and issues I had faced when I was a child (feelings of abandonment, needing to pretend like nothing is wrong, golden child, you're fine, don't do this or your sister will be mad) came rushing back like I was a 5 year old again. I need your "harsh" feedback because I don't know how to let it go... I am really really trying. I now have to go to Christmas and watch and listen to my whole family fawn over her, and I am not mentally strong enough to do that. I don't want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me upset either. I don't need the attention, I really don't.... I do have a problem with letting her "win", even though I KNOW it is not like that. Trust me, I know how insecure and annoying it sounds, but I cannot help it. I am so happy with who I am, my fiance, and where we are at, but the bullet hole that I have been working to sew up and heal has been opened up once again, and I'm trying to navigate how to heal myself. All of the people in my life have my back, and it should be enough, I'm just really struggling right now. Your insight has been really helpful, I hope you know that.

[Tangled mangled]

@Erm9321

Your words:

 I am really really trying. I now have to go to Christmas and watch and listen to my whole family fawn over her, and I am not mentally strong enough to do that. I don't want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me upset either. I don't need the attention, I really don't....


I have read your post and I am totally with you and here to add my voice to t validate your feelings.


First of congratulations on your engagement and the way you have crafted your life, moving away from what appears to be a nasty home environment.
Weddings and planning for this always brings out the worst vibes in these narc/ bpd types. From what I have read, your parents may also have personality disorders, they may be narcs- it’s the enabling, and pretending everything and everyone is okay that raises a red flag here.


At this point your hurt inner child is so triggered and needing an adult ( your wise mind/ adult) to reassure her that she will be okay. I’m in support of not going to the family house for Christmas. This will feel uncomfortable but by avoiding that environment you will be giving yourself space to recover from the recent turn of events.

Your sister may one-up you and intentionally use her wedding and engagement to hurt you.
Don’t underestimate the emotional pain and damage that will be inflicted on you during this period.

You do not have to explain why you can not attend- I know this might sound odd but at this point you have endured a lot and providing explanations will only hurt you further.

Consider all the ways and things you can do to make your hurt inner child feel safe again.

I’m 2 years NC from my parents- my parents are Narc/bpd combo and they encouraged or allowed younger sibling to have his wedding on thesame date as mine. It’s as if they wanted a direct comparison between us and to put me down further.

I’ve gone NC with mine for other reasons and the wedding date issue has only recently come to my attention.

Take care of yourself and take the path that brings you more peace. Even though you miss spending Christmas with your family, they are still going to remain thesame toxic folks they have always been but your path to recovery will become clearer as you spend less time with them at a time of the year when they are likely to be even more unbearable

[Notwendy]

I wrote a response earlier that got lost in the glitch on the board so I will attempt to redo it.

I don't have conflict with a sibling- but that sibling is my BPD mother's prefered child. It is hurtful to see parents' attention diverted to your sister - and what appears to be enmeshment with her. In the long run though, this enmeshement also makes it harder for the adult child to mature and become independent.

When there's a disordered person in a family- the whole family interacts in a disordered pattern in order to maintain some sense of balance. In my family, the focus was on BPD mother. Even events such as my graduation and wedding revolved around her. There was the possibility she might cause a scene at these times and on a milder scale- have some kind of argument.

I also noticed a difference in my father- sometimes he'd be emotionally present and at other times, seemed stressed like your mother is. I wonder if your parents are also stressed about having two weddings at a similar time. The cost of a wedding is significant.

I understand you feel a loss right now but I also see possibility in this situation- the possibility of having a wedding without the drama of your sister there- because she might have caused disruption at the wedding rather than to do it now. My own wedding was actually my mother's party. She planned it, and the guests were mostly her friends and family. I didn't even know what I would have wanted but even so - it would be what she wanted anyway.

On one hand, you are feeling the loss of you and your mother planning a wedding together. On the other hand, you and your fiance can plan any kind of wedding you want - together without having to include your sister if you don't want to and it may end up being less drama and more suited to you than the original plan. You might look at destination weddings with just the two of you, and your parents can have a reception at home later if they want to.

As to what your sister does- you don't have to be involved in it. Your parents may be looking at this as an opportunity for her to move out of their house. Parents love their children beyond words but we also want them to be independent because that is the best course for them. Part of your parents' enthusiasm may be relief and also hope. Makes sense they are all in on this.

It feels as if your parents don't care as much about you as they do your sister. I understand this. I felt this way about my father. I think a reason for this is that- he knew I was able to manage on my own. He didn't have that worry so his attention was on the situations he was concerned about- BPD mother, earning a living and other responsibilities. Your parents have disproportionately focused on your sister. That feels hurtful.

Truly though, you have accomplished being independent and have a stable relationship with your fiance.  There is sadness at the situation with your family of origin- but you now have the opportunity for something different.

[livednlearned]

Congratulations on your engagement with a guy who sounds lovely, and lucky you to have known him for so long and managed to hang in there during college and beyond. What a gift   He seems like the kind of person who will support you as you navigate these family dynamics, and that matters so much when our families function like this.

Betrayal is the one word I can think of. Nothing to do with my sister, but really my feelings towards my mom and dad and myself. I had come to the conclusion years ago that I would not rely on my mom for any form of emotional support or security

I have a uBPD sibling who is older and while the details are different the similarities are uncanny to what you describe.

A silver lining in all this is that you can see clearly what the dynamics in your family are and can begin the grieving process as you define for yourself healthy rules of engagement.

I cannot rely on my mother for emotional support or security either. The same is true for my father. On the upside, I have developed deep, long-standing friendships with people who feel like family, and created a family of my own who are often flummoxed by what my parents say and do (and don't do). The ache of having a dysfunctional family that is entrenched in their ways will probably always be there but I notice it less as I get older. The more I heal, the less I am disappointed by their inability to be anything other than who they are. It took many years to get here, but I would say my relationship with them is one of compassionate boundaries. And those boundaries are largely non-verbal. It took years of refinement to figure out how to keep myself emotionally safe and quite a bit of therapy, as well as support from peers here.

Something that does flare up for me, however, tends to pop up in other relationships, and I wonder if this might be something for you too. I notice almost a hypersensitivity to people who invest time into one-up or one-down positions. They seem to be people who feel threatened when there is competition for scarce resources, like co-workers trying to get the attention of a supervisor or boss. A book that really helped me was In Sheep's Clothing. My sibling was covertly aggressive and for a big chunk of my adult life I didn't have a good handle on what was happening when this behavior showed up in other relationships. I wonder if you might find the same, since parents like ours almost actively dissuade us from developing healthy boundaries or responses to covert aggression, even going so far as to perpetuate it themselves.

My stepdaughter (BPD traits) is covertly aggressive. She sets up scenarios where she's in a one-up position, especially if she perceives she's in a one-down position. I can trace my emotions about these dynamics directly back to the kind of scenarios my sibling set up to test who was getting more attention, who was top dog, who was winning. I know sibling rivalry exists but what I grew up with was next level and my parents enlisted me to downplay achievements or successes because it wound my sibling even more.

It was so emotionally devastating that I couldn't bring myself to have a second child -- I had no emotional way to understand this at the time, it's only in retrospect I realize that my fears about having a second child were rooted in fears of what a sibling represented to me.

On a plus side for you, having your sister marry a guy and move out opens the possibility that you discover a relationship with your parents without your sister underfoot. In my experience, this can create the illusion that you'll experience greater emotional intimacy with them, which will trigger your sister to compete and they will go back to protecting her in order to protect themselves from how she bullies them. That dynamic happened for decades before I realized the merry-go-round was never my favorite ride. I'm now able to see that intimacy for them only occurs when I appear detached. The moment I move toward them, the door shuts and I'm left trying to heal the part of me that got hurt in the process. Now, when they share intimate things with me, especially if it's about my brother, I listen and nod and change the topic.

I admire you for willing to be vulnerable and share what you're going through, and to be piecing together the puzzle of how your family works, including what is theirs to fix and what is yours. That alone will take you to wonderful places as you grow even more into your own person, independent of who they are or how they try to define you.

[Methuen]

She doesn't apologize for how she reacted to me telling her I'm moving away and just expects me to be fine again. I tell her I'm not over the situation and that it really hurt me and how she has traumatized me over the years and how I don't reset every time she has an outburst. She tells me that I have always been horrible to her and traumatized her over the years. I tell her I'm sorry and ask her to give me examples, she can't. She tells me to give her examples so i list them out (see all examples above). She then walks away and we haven't talked since. I don't know how to act.

What you did here is reasonable, logical and rational.

Maybe that's why she walked away. 

Give her as much time as she needs to self soothe herself. 

The ball is in her court.  You don't have to do anything.

I'm sorry your parents don't see their role in this drama.  That just adds another whole level of complexity.  Others have already addressed that here.

I don't know how to let it go... I am really really trying. I now have to go to Christmas and watch and listen to my whole family fawn over her, and I am not mentally strong enough to do that. I don't want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me upset either.

What if: they fawn over her (and not you) because deep inside they know she is the weaker one and needs the attention?  They know you are stronger and will be ok.  So they divert their attention to the weaker one who has always demanded it.  Could that fit?

If this explanation fits in any way, it doesn't make it right or fair or just.  It's not.  But parents have weaknesses too.  We want to believe in our parents, and we want to trust that they believe and care for us.  So it's hard when we see the flaws that run deep.

It sounds like you have found a gem in your fiance.  Congratulations on the engagement!
 Amazing!  Focus on that and all the other positive things in your life.  Make a list of all the things you are grateful for.  Focus on that.

So your sister got engaged too.  That is her business and her story, and her life will be full of drama.  The timing of her engagement is what it is.

Do you think it's possible to approach Christmas and family time together as a curious observer?  Rather than keeping an angry reaction, enter the room as an independent neutral person, and observe the goings on, rather than emotionally reacting to the situation.  Imagine yourself as a relatively new neighbour invited to the days events, and observe the flow of conversation and the topics neutrally as an outsider, and in a back seat observing it all without getting emotionally drawn in.  Be curious. Does this make sense? If it gets too much or becomes overwhelming, what would a neighbour do?  They would excuse themselves after a polite amount of time, thank the host, and make their way home.  No drama.  Kind of wierd because this is family.  But maybe helpful if it avoids drama and negativity.  If the entire talk for hours is about their engagement and wedding, let it be about that.  Then quietly and calmly leave when you can. This could be one way to take the high road.  Diverting the conversation towards your engagement could put you in the strange position of making it a competition.

It is the job of the parents here to balance the conversation between both their girls.  If they can't do that for some reason, then you and your H can thank them for the meal, and say you need to get going - without explanation.

What matters is the joy and love within you and between you and your partner.  Your parents are going to have to figure this out on their own.  It may take them some time, but at some point, hopefully they see the problem, and adjust their behavior. 

Your job, is to not get sucked into the negative, energy sucking and joy destroying emotion.  Try to focus instead on your partner and the other positives, and use whatever strategies work for you to let go of the frustration and anger.  Physical activity?  Yoga?  Meditation?  Journaling?  Art?  Music?  What works for you?