Does she have Quiet BPD?

[scuttlebug]

Hello! First post here. On Friday my girlfriend broke up with me, and it came out of nowhere. We were together for 5 months, and things got serious shockingly quickly. Within the first month she had blurted out "I love you!", and recently we had been talking about future plans, about moving in together when her lease is up, about getting married, about how many kids we would want. But first... some background:

I'm a serial monogamist (my first relationship lasted 8 years) and I consider myself to be very empathetic. I take relationships seriously, and I take pride in my ability to resolve conflict and treat my partners with respect. I didn't see that kind of love growing up, so I'm the kind of person to model it in my own life. As a result, we had only fought a handful of times, and every single time it's been about the exact same thing. She does something that upsets me, then she ghosts me in response, and then I perform the emotional labor of coaxing her into talking to me again and finding peace. Every "fight" was me calling her out on a double standard or bizarrely detached/rude behavior that seemingly comes out of nowhere, completely unprompted. I saw each of these incidents merely as difficult, but productive efforts to better understand one another, so I really didn't understand why this would be a dealbreaker at all. Also, I thought our fights were growing fewer and further between...!

The first time we fought was about her birthday. Early in the week, she was spiraling with the thought that I was still in love with an ex. She had gone through my instagram followers/likes/comments, somehow deduced who the last person I was in love with was, convinced herself that I still was in love with that person with zero evidence, and then ghosted me. All without talking to me even once. I frantically tried to get a hold of her since I had no idea what was going on, and ended up spending the entire rest of my workday talking to her on the phone, going through our relationship histories formally, calming her down and reassuring that she had nothing to worry about. As a result I was now super behind on work, and a deadline emerged for that Friday (her birthday) so I asked her if it were okay if I didn't see her that day. She was downplaying the importance of her birthday earlier that week so I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, and she told me that was fine. But that was a lie. She started acting weird, she ghosted me again, and I ended up driving to her house with her gifts and her slice of cake, knocking on the door, and pleading with her to talk to me. She seemed weirdly chipper, like there was no big deal, but she explained that she felt hurt because I cancelled our plans and didn't immediately reschedule them. She later showed me texts from her friends that were entirely enabling her panic, saying that I actually don't care about her at all, that this shows it and that I'm probably cheating on her. Just horrible, completely untrue stuff! She said that she just turned her phone off entirely to try and find some peace. I spent the evening trying to explain how her sudden disappearance made me feel, and ways we can communicate to avoid that negative feeling in the future. I told her that when she does this, she's not only acting self-destructively, but she's also taking away my only tool for feeling better - which is us talking about it - and all of the time in-between has an negative effect on my emotional well-being and productivity.

The next time we fought was because she read through my diary. For the first time I told her she doesn't have to leave just because I have to go work out in the morning, but when I came back, she was gone and my diary was open and on the table - definitely not where I left it. After a few hours she finally texted me back, told me she read through it, said something disparaging about herself, and then ghosted. When she resurfaced I was pissed. I wanted to make myself really clear, so I forcefully and passionately told her that this is a huge breach of trust, and that while I'm not mad about her reading it, I'm really upset about why she read it, and how she acted afterwards. I stressed that she needed to be able to trust me for this relationship to work, that she needs to be honest with me when something is bothering her, and that she needs to communicate those things to me directly. Me pleading for her to respect those pillars of trust, honesty, and communication was a constant theme in all of our fights.

The next one didn't make any sense at all. We were texting and she was in a mood for some reason. I was being nice and supportive but for some reason she started lashing out at me completely unprompted, accusing me of not letting go of my exes (because I'm grown-up enough to have become friends with some of them. We'd been over this plenty). She curses at me (that had never happened before...), and when I tell her that her words are hurting me, she deflects completely and then ghosts me for the rest of the day. The next day she just texts "hi", as if none of that ever happened, so I immediately call her and ask to talk about it. She gives me a lot of "I'm sorry's" and "I love you's", but I'm feeling really taken advantage of and repeatedly not listened to when I beg for her to give me trust, honesty, and communication. I'm really mad. I tell her that I need to clear my head and think about whether I want to continue the relationship, that she can text me and I'll let her know whether I'm ready to talk, and that regardless I'll give her a call tomorrow morning at 10am. Deep down I never actually wanted to end it, but I needed to go through that exercise of thinking about it and talking to friends about it as a form of self-respect. She starts freaking out, pleads with me to show her affection, and texts stuff like "I can't handle this, this is too painful, don't message me again unless you want to stay together". I tell her that I'm not going to break up with her, and I don't want her to suffer that anxiety unnecessarily, but I'm still really disturbed and need some time to think about what I want to say. The next day she meets me at my place, and I sit her down to talk about this. I once again explain how all this makes me feel, which makes her feel absolutely terrible. I tell her that I still want to continue the relationship, but it's going to be difficult to rebuild trust between us and it may take me some time to open back up fully. I don't respond to her touching me and trying to be physically affectionate, so she does something that really starts freaking me out. I hear a loud noise from the bathroom, so I run over and find her completely nonverbal, dead in the eyes, standing there like a zombie and subtly shaking. I become immediately concerned, move her onto the couch and try to help, since it seems like she's having some sort of medical emergency. I end up rubbing her hand and soothing her and begin demonstrating my affection again since that seems to help, even though I'm not really ready. After talking all night she says it's too late for her to drive home safely, so I say it's fine if she stays over. We end up lying there in bed about to go to sleep, and she continues to act bizarrely because I'm avoiding holding her or touching her. I decide I don't want to go to bed mad, I ask if she wants to just forget about all this and have sex and move past it, and that's what we do.

The lesson I take from this is that she is extremely sensitive, that tone of voice is very triggering for her, and that's very important to be calm and gentle when I'm upset with her, even if my anger is entirely justified. She tells me that her dad is her ultimate male role model, in that he is extremely patient, supportive, gentle, understanding, and very much a provider for the entire family. I started thinking about how I want to better model that behavior for her. That was about a month ago, and since then things have been calm and great. And all of these fights are always started over text - when we're actually together it's only bliss, it just felt like her insecurity always made her doubt everything as soon as I left the room. As a result it's extremely hard for me to reconcile this person I know in real life who seems perfect for me, who showers me with love, who is always so incredibly gentle and sweet, with this person I know over text who is unreliable, unpredictable, and sometimes just straight-up mean.

The last time I had seen her, we were snuggling in bed watching movies after spending the whole weekend together. Then two days later, she says that she "feels weird idk" and that she "doesn't want to make me anxious, but she needs some space". She frequently withdraws when she is feeling overwhelmed, and usually I rush in to fix things because I know that talking is the only thing that can make us feel better, and that it works to resolve things every time. This time however, I gave her that space and decided to trust that I can trust her, and that things will be fine when she's ready to talk. I didn't hear from her for the rest of the week, so on Friday I started texting and calling somewhat incessantly until she finally picked up. For some reason I just had a weird premonition... so I asked right then and there if we were still dating, and I was completely shocked to hear her tell me "no".

I was devastated and angry and extremely confused, so I started asking questions to try to get to the bottom of it. Throughout the 40 minute phone call, all I really got was that she thinks that our fights are too intense for her, and that our relationship together is "unhealthy", and that "everything always has to be my way". I kept questioning this and tried to point out the hypocrisy - that we've only ever fought because of her mistreatment of me, but she told me she had made up her mind and that she'd already packed up my stuff from her place and put it in her car and that she'd drop it off tomorrow. I love her deeply and I'm not ready to let her go... the last time we saw each other was a wonderful weekend... I'm so confused... so I reasoned that she couldn't mean what she said because it wasn't making any sense, and resolved to patch things up in the morning when she was coming by to drop off my stuff. In the morning she texts me "should I just leave it outside by the door?" and I sprint out there to see she's dropped my stuff off and is already moving back toward her car. I ask her to come inside to talk, and that I have things I need to say to her, and she reluctantly agrees and says it has to be really quick.

I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider, and I apologized profusely for being so demanding of her, saying that I should have learned to better love and accept her as she is, instead of pushing her to be better and holding her accountable for her actions. (I know my actions were reasonable throughout the entire relationship, but I felt desperate.) The thing is, she seemed like a completely different person... She placed her hand on my shoulder and said "It's, okay! You don't have to do this anymore! This is what I want!". She almost seemed... happy about it... I cried and looked into her eyes and said "Please... what are we doing... I love you... I know you love me! Where is this coming from... don't do this!!" but she cut me off and said "Stop! This is emotionally manipulative! You can't do this! STOP. This is what I want!". I told her that I'm not being emotionally manipulative, I'm just being honest about how I feel, which is terrible and in deep crisis. It felt like my palpable anguish and heartbreak was bothering her. Each time I looked her in the eyes, she looked away and tried to get up to leave. Eventually I had to let her go, so we decided that going forward she'll be the first to reach out if/when she wants to, and then she left.

To my knowledge she's never been diagnosed with BPD, but in talking about this with friends and doing some research I've found that so many of these symptoms I'm reading about are shockingly familiar. Fear of abandonment, idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing they don't care enough, poor self-esteem, periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, impulsive behavior, sabotaging success, a history of self harm and a suicide attempt, wide mood swings, ongoing feelings of emptiness, inappropriate unexpected anger, back and forth demand for attention then self-isolation, always watching for signs that I would leave her, having a hard time talking about her feelings, inability to read others/assuming they're mad at you, taking small things personally/assuming someone is ignoring you, self-isolation or avoidance as a form of protection when overwhelmed, a complete and total lack of empathy at the end.... all of this sounds so much like her!

So that brings us to now. I'm an emotional wreck, and I would do anything to have her back in my life. In the last few days I've gotten extremely little sleep, and the brief period I did get was plagued by a vivid nightmare of her cheating on me, and looking me in the eyes while she did it. I know that emotional pain like this can cripple my ability to function and I'm trying really hard to stay afloat, leaning on friends, staying out of the house, and keeping myself busy with work, even though I'm completely unproductive right now. I'm hoping that writing all this out may bring some comfort, and I'm looking for some sympathy and advice about what to do. I'm wishing that she snaps out of it and realizes once again how good I was for her and that I would do anything for her, but I don't think it'll happen. She seemed so sure, and while I never met her friends (they live on the other side of the country) I get the feeling they're the type to support her decision, no matter how crazy it is. I really want her back. I know that I deserve to be treated better than this, but it's also true that if there were ever a person to not be intimidated by this, that would still want to help her and be patient with her... it'd be me. Unfortunately my heart is a hell of a lot bigger than my brain. And with where things were left, I don't feel like I have a way of talking to her without disrespecting the boundaries we agreed upon. And while I want her more than anything in the world right now, if it's not going to happen, I don't want to prolong my pain any longer.

I have so much trouble accepting that she could be so cold and ruthless. It still just doesn't seem real at all to me. It feels like my entire reality was a lie. I want her back so badly. Please help!

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[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It sounds like a tough situation to go through. As you've seen, people with BPD are emotionally sensitive which makes a relationship with a pwBPD a special needs type of relationship. Good for you for having boundaries like keeping your diary private. Every relationship needs boundaries. Check out the Tips menu at the top of the page for more info on healthy relationship patterns, whether with a pwBPD or not.

At this point, self care may be most important. Take some time for yourself and do something that you enjoy, that relaxes you. It's up to you to decide if you want to pursue the relationship further. If you do, a simple message should suffice and at that point it's her decision. Good luck and take care.

[scuttlebug]

Thank you! I've been reading many of the resources available here and it's been helping me a lot.

Without getting into any revealing details, yesterday she posted something that a lot of people read, and it was about our relationship. It completely misrepresented our fights and twisted them into narratives that benefit her distorted reality. I felt gaslit and upset, but I tried to see things from her perspective and I sent her a message that I think was appropriate and well-written.

At first I defended myself like I usually would, and I explained how the slights she's perceiving are being interpreted incorrectly. But I now know that this rational and fair approach... doesn't work! So immediately after that paragraph, I tell her that what I just said is not at all what she wanted to hear. That reading it probably frustrated her. That it feels like in defending myself I'm invalidating her perspective. That I understand that how she interprets it IS her reality. I told her that I needed to be asking her more about how she perceives things, as opposed to encouraging her to see things from my perspective.

I then told her that I want to love her the way she needs to be loved, and that I know I can do it, and that she's seen how determined a person I am and she knows it too. (I'm here after all! I could have walked away and never looked back, but instead I'm doing all this research and emotional heavy-lifting for her) I told her that there's a lot more I'd like to say about all this, and that if she was hoping for me to demonstrate that I care, then I'd still love to do that.

I hope that that message eases her when she thinks about reaching out, and I hope it connects with her feelings without me directly mentioning BPD or diagnosing her, since I don't think that concern would be well-received at all at this point in time.

In the meantime I'm looking through the resources here about detaching, and trying to accept the facts of the matter. I can't be her savior. I gave this relationship my all every step of the way, and I have to trust that at some point in the future, whether it's in 2 weeks or 20 years, whether it comes from me or someone else, she'll get the help that she needs. I need to accept that I need to be the most important person in my life. It'll be difficult to train myself to treat myself with the same level of compassion I extend to others, but if I want to grow from this and be happier and healthier, I think that's the only answer. I took work off for the rest of the year, and now my focus turns to finding ways of loving myself. It's becoming easier to imagine a future where I am not invested in someone who emotionally manipulates people to get what she wants, and whether she can be that person or not, I know that's what I deserve.

[Pook075]

Hi Scuttle and welcome- it hurt reading your story and I'm very sorry you've been through the ringer.  My 24 year marriage ended almost exactly the same way last year and I had no idea why.

First, about your subject question- does this sound like quiet BPD?  Yes, it absolutely does and the patterns align with what so many of us experience in arguments and in the final discard.  Don't take that as a diagnosis, of course, because none of us are medical professionals.  There are quite a few boxes checked though and the telltale signs are there.

Next, what should you do about this?  For now, nothing.  This will be hard to hear but you have to let her go.  If you pursue her, it will only reinforce her disordered thinking that you can't respect her or her boundaries.  However, if you stay away, it also reinforces that you never really cared.  It's a catch 22 where you're wrong no matter what, so your best course of action is to focus on yourself right now and let her do her thing. 

In other words, she has to choose you on her own for the relationship to have another chance.

So what do you do in the meantime?  Whatever hobbies, sports, etc. you enjoy doing.  Get out there with friends and family, do anything you can to put some distance from this mess and refocus your thoughts.  Likewise, stay off social media, especially her posts.  No good will come from it and it will only hurt you more.

Now for the million dollar question, and you need to pay very close attention here.  What did you do to make this happen?  The answer is 'nothing', you didn't do anything that any of us wouldn't have done in a typical relationship.  The problem here is mental illness and disordered thinking, and there's unfortunately nothing any of us can do to fix the situation.  The real issue lies within your ex and she's the only one that can fix it...and she'll only do that when she's ready on her own terms.

Again, take some time to work on healing and getting yourself in a better headspace.  It takes time and everyone processes this type of thing differently.  Just please continue to ask questions and let the community help you; there is light at the end of the tunnel.