Hello

[10ThousandThings]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I'm really glad to be here.

I just finished reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and I am hoping to find a community of people who have gone through and are going through the same things as me - something friends don't understand fully. I suffer from a lot of loneliness and with Christmas being tomorrow for us here on this side of the world it's an amplifying time. Rather than recede more, I wanted to reach out and connect instead.

I have a mum who is uBPD/NPD (Christine Lawson's "Queen" subtype without any doubts). I went NC with her for about 2 years until Sep 2021, and have been LC since, with bouts of me going silent. I went NC because after yet again trying to communicate a grievance with her on the phone she hung up on me, saying "Oh I don't want to hear it!" *Slam*. At that moment I said to myself "OK that's enough". So I went silent, blocked her, and tried to move on with my life. But I was dragging an anchor behind me.

In the past, I tried having face to face conversations with her to air my grievances fairly, but she'd deflect onto blaming my dad, or something else. When I wrote her an email years ago, she retaliated by claiming that i was trying to "Divorce [her]". I was doing no such thing. I noticed that each time, I got so frightened by her usual shock and awe routine that i didn't pursue my boundaries and I let it go, or often withdrew into myself into a pit of despair and shame for months and years.

In my recent recovery, I've been so angry and but I realise i've been acting helpless and like a victim. When I went NC, I didn't communicate to her why or on what grounds, I simply stopped talking to her, blocked her on my phone and emails, and tried to 'move on' with my life. I thought that if I could just forget she existed, and forget that I wanted her love at all, that life would be easy. By amputating this leg I expected to keep walking. I realised that through my NC I was still unconsciously trying to change her. Hoping that through my silence and withdrawal that she'd come after me, apologising profusely. That never happened.

After reading the book, finding a new therapist and reading posts on the forum, I am now focusing on taking responsibility as best as I can but it's a long journey. I've noticed that through my helpless behaviour i'm getting no where. I realise I must talk, I must know and set and manage my boundaries - something I'm not great at but getting better at. If I go silent, I absorb and tolerate all the crap around me. The past year has been pretty bad for home, relationships and work. I was heavily blaming everyone else until I realised it's because of my learned helplessness in action.

Growing up
Growing up, I had no boundaries at all. I was husband and caretaker and I had no choice in it. I was the youngest of two brothers who fought and hated each other over scarce emotional resources in the home. My dad was around, but he was usually silent and actionless, getting home after work and sitting in front of the TV, reading a magazine. He didn't really speak to me much at all, except to show his passive disapproval of how fat I was as a child. Ironically, food was my best protection and comfort - a weak proxy for the job he never stepped up to: protecting me from that woman. She was a tyrant. I was kept in check and constantly monitored. Not just for my actions, but it became normal for me to have to divulge my thoughts, my feelings and my intentions on a continual basis. For example, when my family visited my grandparents and sat around their table, a question to me from my grandmother about how school or life was, was answered on my behalf by mum "10TT's doing XYZ...". I became used to it.

Mum hated men. The irony again was that she had three sons (my older half brother was from her first marraige) and a husband. But that didn't stop her from psychologically castrating me from birth, convincing me that "women don't want to have sex", with constant verbalised contempt targeting what men were doing to her and women and how terrible they were. I believed that being a man was bad, carrying her intense fear that men are rapists and perverts just waiting to happen and that I was one of them. I work hard to repair this damage and can say i'm better off these days but it is very difficult still. One day when i was around 5, I flashed my bits to my brother in the living room and ran off (I was a kid i'm sure it was funny) - she saw what happened, grabbed me and with such accusing force she screamed "ARE YOU GAY?!". I was 5. I felt so shocked and terrified and I didn't understand what was happening.

Physical violence was pretty regular and I was controlled for my "Misbehaviour" with being hit with a rod, smacking, my mouth washed out with soap, threats of being left on the side of the road when in the car. I have implicit memories of sudden force of slaps to my face but no explicit memory of it. Sadly, my most recent attempt at a serious relationship saw me receiving the same physical violence from my then girlfriend. I tolerated her nickname for me being "Pig", her slapping and hitting me. It never occurred to me until last week actually that this wasn't OK. As a man it's so hard to even acknowledge domestic violence happening to me.

As a teenager, when I got a new hair cut, she saw it when I got home and quoted an old English rhyme about "homosexuals" having that hair cut. I felt ashamed and isolated. When I wore new jeans, she again made fun of me. When I wore deoderant for the first time, she jumped on that too and ridiculed me. Any attempts I made at being myself or showing any signs of unapproved independence were quickly snuffed out, because she would be very happy to withdraw her presence and love whenever she was unhappy with my "behaviour". I was required to speak well, to do well. I was the Golden Child and my brother was the projected black sheep. When i was 7 and she picked me up from a friend's party I was saying goodbye at the front door to my friend's mum - Mum was also with me - the friend's mum asked me a question to which I simply shrugged my shoulders and said "I dunno". Walking back to the car mum confronted me and yelled "How dare you speak like that!", with her usual viciousness. Again, shocked, afraid and confused.

I was groomed from the very start to fit her image of "success". Everything was about how I looked to others and how I reflected on her. I was sent to private school, then to university, then to work in the family business. I was so unconscious about making any true decisions for myself until I was well into my mid to late 20s. Mum loves money. She loves possessions, property, investments. She's built a fortress of protection around her made out of it. It's all she ever seems to talk about. What I learned what 'Love' was, was that I needed to earn it, like it was some kind of 'time share'. And that was by being outwardly "successful", by earning lots of money, buying a house, etc etc. Anything that's visible to others. So that's what I did for the first part of my life and I hated myself for it because it never gave me what I was really  looking for. In my adulthood she would send money to me sporadically and I would accept it and not think anything of it. She'd offer to pay for things, to buy things for me. I realised only recently that this was a form of control. Because when I accepted her money I felt, strange, icky, fuzzy - this was the feeling of losing Power. When I stopped, I felt better. It's been about a year now and I can firmly say there are no hooks I can see that are still in me. That's a big deal for me. A really big deal.

In May 2020 I made major steps in breaking the above paradigm by quitting certain jobs, selling artefacts including my apartment and furniture, all at the peak hysteria of Covid. I was homeless for 6 months after that when I drove interstate, moving from place to place with nowhere really to go. I thankfully can say life is more stable now. There are things I just can't really do yet or do well, such as having more security in career, relationships and home, and they seem so basic to other people. Though, I am hopeful.

There's so much more I could say to illustrate my life, but I'll leave it for now. Thank you so much for reading - I am so so grateful.

[Showjumper]

Hi TenThousand Things. I am fairly new here myself. I have a DD36 with uBPD, who has autism and recently dx with C-PTSD.
It’s been very difficult and sad because she was a wonderful person and my best friend, but 6 months ago her personality changed completely and now I feel I hardly know this person. She is angry all the time and lacks empathy.

This will be the first Christmas in a long time that I won’t be seeing her. She is too volatile. I am grieving the loss of who she was, and very sad not to see her. I will spend Christmas with my son and his gf at their house.

I am sorry to hear of all you went through growing up. But I sounds like in spite of that you turned into a good person that is embarking on a difficult journey, but a journey toward wellness. I am glad you are doing reading and have a therapist. I wish you well on the journey and hope you stick around!

[TelHill]

Hello 10ThousandThings,

Welcome to the board. Am very sorry you have suffered from the behavior of a bpd mother.

I am a female with an elderly, diagnosed bpd mother and can relate to your post. She has always been out of control since early memory- when I was 3. I am the youngest in the family with an older brother (gc and acts narcissisticly towards me. I have an elderly father and he lives with my mother. My dad has been in denial and ignores all abuse by these two against me whether witnessed by him or told to him by me.

I play the role of the scapegoat in my FOO, even when it's clear someone else did it. I acted as the parent to my mother.

I had a long term marriage where my ex-h was abusive and stole a lot of money from me. I had to leave my career and home to keep myself safe. I lived out of a suitcase for 2 years. He reminded me of my mother. It was difficult and expensive to get away from him. He passed away so I stopped running.

Christmas and the holidays are difficult for me since my the behavior of my FOO and the problems this has caused as an adult has made my life a steep uphill climb towards healing. I wish I had a family of my own - spouse and children- to love and spend my holidays with. I got here through no fault of my own and it's painful. Hopefully someday I'll have a good partner. It's not this year though.

I'm NC to LC with my FOO. I take care of the medical items for my parents as my gc sibling lets these fall through the cracks or ignores them to, I believe, push them faster towards the end. He's a frightening person and one who would physically hurt another through passivity, .

Am glad you posted and have taken many steps towards breaking free from your FOO and helping yourself.  I've attended CoDependents Anonymous) meeting to help me go forward in my own life. They are a 12 step group whose members have similar backgrounds to what I read from posters here, in case you haven't heard of it.

It's been helpful for me to overcome learned helplessness and despair. I am focusing on being responsible for myself. Am not responsible for doing tasks for others who need to do this for themselves. Am better at letting people face the consequences of their actions.

[TelHill]

Sorry for the typos above. Can see them only after I post. 

[Tangled mangled]

10TT
I’m glad you found this site and community. I’m so sorry for what you have endured through out your life.

As a female with sons I can’t imagine treating my boys the way you have been treated.

I’m was a scapegoat and truth teller in my FOO and had to move to a different continent to get away from my mother who is undiagnosed with a mixture of BPD/NPD traits and my dad who is a narc with sociopathy. Sits down in front of the TV more than 18 hours a day quietly observing us his children and adding up to my mum’s schemes to pitch us children against each other. I hated my dad and I felt he knew it.

As a fellow survivor I m proud of you for taking those difficult almost impossible steps of gaining freedom and taking your power back.

What you described about your mums gifts and money resonates so much with me. My parents were not wealthy but I ended up with a male bpd husband whom I m trying to divorce atm. He always gave gifts and it felt sickening accepting them from him. It’s the  pressure they apply to ensure you accept their gifts and the guilt if you don’t. It’s the force and like you rightly said it’s a form of control.

When I first left my FOO, I lived in a house share with other flatmates. Life was tough for a few years but I was physically free from my parents but it took almost 10 years to gain psychological freedom from their control. I struggled too, and it was the desperation to have friends and a family to call my own that led me to accepting a man that’s a combo of my parents personality disorders and possibly a psychopath.

Please take care of yourself.

Continue to Reach out on this forum, you will receive support from a community of people who understand what you have been through.

[Tangled mangled]

Also
Wishing you a happy holiday. It may be quiet and you find yourself lonely but it trumps the drama that comes with being part of the toxic family system.
Happy holidays again.

[zachira]

There is hope for a rewarding future as you recognize how you are in no way responsible for how your mother abused you, And you are taking steps to have the kind of life you deserve. You are not alone as many members on this site have similar stories like yours. I especially sympathize with you as I am well aware of how my mother with BPD made sure my brothers never got married, by doing everything to ruin their relationships with women. My mother with BPD viewed her children becoming independent adults as abandonment. We are here to listen and support you as you continue your journey of healing and discovery.

[SweetSass]

Hello, I can relate to feeling humiliated and belittled by a Bpd mother. 

I am the scapegoat but for some reason my PD parents wanted to exploit me thoroughly while discarding my Golden Child younger sister.

It’s such a hodgepodge of distorted thinking:

My parents wanted me to look good in front of others in order to use me to elevate themselves.

But simultaneously they took every opportunity to put me down and hurl false accusations at me too.

I can see that my parents were very focused on communicating to me that I owed them something bc of my so-called “badness” and that bullying me was an integral part of making sure that I do not abandon them.

Instead of trying to control me with money (my PD parents are broke with zero assets), they decided it was more advantageous for them to be destitute as a way to avoid abandonment.

Additionally they smeared me to everyone so that I would have no one but them as my support system, thereby grooming me to be co-dependent.

It all backfired on them. 

Sending you positive vibes!  We deserved better!

[10ThousandThings]

Thank you everyone for sharing and welcoming me to the community. It felt heartwarming to read your replies. I'm glad i'm no longer alone.