Do they come back after burning the bridge so terribly?

[pipefitter]

I'm curious as to everyone's experience on here with a borderline ex returning after cutting and blocking all contact and seemingly burning the bridge. As of right now I would return out of love for the kids. I'm just curious if they try the same recycling attempts after a horrible fall out
First break up wasn't super bad. She admitted she still loved me the whole time. But said we wouldn't work, it'll never be the same blah blah blah.kept me on the hook just so wouldn't stray to far but jerked me around for months while she was secretly exploring other options.
When those fell through she came back.
This time was much different. It was a huge blow out with me calling her on a lot of her bs about how bad she's hurting her kids and how she's already trying to sleep around. Honestly I feel bad about myself for getting reduced to her level. But right now I'm blocked on everything. Phone email socials whole thing. It's only been like 5 days post break up so it's early. But l'm curious if anyone has ever had one try to come back after A break up going so terribly

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[kells76]

Hi pipefitter and welcome back -- glad we can be here for you.

I have heard many stories from members of a partner initiating the breakup, saying things like "I mean it this time" or "you'll never see me again", and then wanting to reconnect. So, you're not alone in having that experience.

And I'd guess that there isn't a logical connection between how nasty the breakup was, and whether or not she wants to reconnect. I think it's more about meeting an overwhelming emotional need in the moment, for her.

It can be difficult for many pwBPD to be alone or not in a relationship. It may feel like a matter of life or death to them -- desperate attempts to avoid real or perceived abandonment. It's not surprising to hear that she tried seeing other people, then reached back out to you when that didn't work out.

I hear you about your care for the kids caught up in all this.

Do you want to get back together with her?

[pipefitter]

I do want to get back together with her. I’m just not sure what I can do to make it go differently this time. It seems like the switch flipped over nothing. I tried to not argue and yell with her as it seemed to be a trigger for the first discard. This time it all escalated. The mean behavior. The anger. The control and domination. I don’t know how to best deal with that all. And she swears up and down that it’s over. Even going as far as to block all forms of communication between us.

[kells76]

I do want to get back together with her.

OK, good to know. While there are no guarantees, and it may be a hard row to hoe if she's blocking/swearing it's over, you can still work on you and play the cards you have.

Have you checked out any of John Gottman's work on what he terms "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse" of relationship breakdown stages? We have an article about it called "Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?"

Where do you see yourself in those 4 stages?

Where do you see her in those 4 stages?

Do you think she would agree with your assessment?

[Pook075]

l'm curious if anyone has ever had one try to come back after A break up going so terribly

Hello and welcome.  Kells has already given you some great advice so I'll just focus on your question.

With BPD, the instability usually goes in cycles since everything is tied to emotions in the moment.  Once a discard happens, the person w/ BPD usually pursues greener pastures elsewhere...in a new friend, pursuit, or romantic interest...and they feel wonderful since everything initially works.  But when that goes badly (because of BPD/instability), more often than not they try to reconnect in past broken relationships.

There are a few members here that have been through this type of breakup many, many times.  Others have gone through it once and decide that they won't create an opportunity for it to happen again.  It really is different in each scenario and your patience will play a big part as well.

Like you said, this is still very fresh and right now you need time to heal more than anything.  Take that time and you'll eventually get to where you can see the relationship objectively and make the best possible decisions for your life.  Maybe it's worth rekindling, maybe not.  I wish you luck either way though!

[pipefitter]

Thank you both for your replies. The guidance I get on this forum is truly very helpful.

Kells, I would have seen myself at the first stage. As for where she was at, it’s hard to say. She went from making our wedding save the dates to a big explosive blow up in 48 hours. This time it really seemed like all her actions were done in a rage and/or splitting episode. I think Christmas time, it being winter, and stress over finances triggered the split. My rational brain is telling me it’s not going to be a done deal and over. My emotional center is screaming that the world is ending.

Pook, thank you for the advice. It seemed that was the path she followed during our last break up. She pursued others, while telling me she wasn’t and making me swear I wasn’t, and when those fell through and it seemed I was moving on she came back. Like I said to Kells my rational brain says it isn’t all done for good. My emotions feel like the universe is imploding. I have made an appointment to get back into therapy. I think that’s a good start as far as self care. And maybe gain some insight as to my own mistakes in this relationship

[Caleb91]

Hi Pipefitter, can you update us on how this has unfolded since December? I'm in a similar situation and looking for clues in other people's stories.