New Here

[New Here]

Hello -

My mother has some behaviors that overlap with BPD symptoms. Once triggered, her emotional well being plummets. As a family, we sweep it under the rug and walk on eggshells to avoid any potential trigger.

It’s exhausting for us and totally dominates the family dynamic.

This often looks like her disassociating from the group or removing herself from the situation. We’re all frozen & stressed waiting for her to return. I’m realizing now that this could be so much worse - that she’s fighting to not lash out or have an inappropriate outburst and I am so sad for her.

Once the passion passes, she rebounds so quickly. But I’m overwhelmed.

Super overwhelmed. I’m the oldest and I’m in a difficult position. For the first time, I did everything right - avoided all the minefields, I planned our Xmas celebration, we genuinely had a lovely time to start but then my brother’s flight was delayed. So she plummeted. But it wasn’t just sadness, it was intense anger, tightly controlled rage at me for hurting her. And that she was jealous of the attention I gave my dog (relevant: I’m an adult, in a serious relationship, thinking about marriage & kids and we both know the dog is a sorta proxy child/grandchild.)

On one hand, I’m grateful that the accusation is so clearly outside of my control. I don’t control the weather or air travel.I don’t love my dog too much. It’s easy to see that this was generated on her end. On the other hand, terrifying to see that I actually have no control in preventing these outbursts.

And - for the first time the outburst was rage directed at me (not at something I’ve done.) she doesn’t remember what she said but I do.

 I’m a bit freaked out to see that I’ve become a preferred target for her rage. I’ve become responsible for weather, my siblings, and for the reality that we are all growing up.

I love my family so much.

Thank you for reading. I’m trying to sort some of this out, but without dragging the worst to family/friends.
 

[schwing]

Hi New Here, and

On one hand, I’m grateful that the accusation is so clearly outside of my control. I don’t control the weather or air travel.I don’t love my dog too much. It’s easy to see that this was generated on her end. On the other hand, terrifying to see that I actually have no control in preventing these outbursts.

I think it's helpful to keep in mind, that just about all your uBPD mother's emotional episodes are "outside of [your] control."  And for that reason, you should not try to "prevent these outbursts."  Just manage your exposure to unreasonable behavior -- you were not raised to be her punching bag.  Then again, if your family dynamic is similar to mine, just about all my other family members were conditioned to be attentive to my uBPD mother's emotional distress.

I found that what worked for me best was by maintaining as formal and distant a relationship as possible.  Play the role of adult child (within reason) but I stopped volunteering (emotional) vulnerability.

And - for the first time the outburst was rage directed at me (not at something I’ve done.) she doesn’t remember what she said but I do.

The tree remembers, the axe forgets.

I’m a bit freaked out to see that I’ve become a preferred target for her rage. I’ve become responsible for weather, my siblings, and for the reality that we are all growing up.

When you are receiving her anger, acknowledge the anger and then remove yourself from the scene.  Chances are what she is actually upset about has nothing to do with your specific circumstance -- it has more to do with her internal disarray.  It's just that when someone with BPD has an overwhelming affect, it is easier for them to blame their emotions on those closest to them who are willing recipients of their ire.

Unlike a tree, you can uproot and walk away.

I love my family so much.

And for this reason, I can understand why you'd be willing to tolerate a lot to stay in the orbit of your family.  Just try to find a way to protect yourself -- distance and formality.

Best wishes,

Schwing