What Are Your New Year's Resolutions?

[zachira]

I am thinking about New Year's Resolutions. The last few years I have been focused on understanding my disordered family members and the reasons why I was chosen to be one of six generations of scapegoats by so many members of my large extended family. I now feel I understand why family members are so cruel to the family scapegoats AND though sad am mostly at peace with going LC/NC with nearly all of them and people who are similarly disordered. For 2024, I want to focus on healing from my avoidant attachment and developing healthy attachment while working on creating my own healthy circle of friends who can be my second family. I have lots to learn about making healthy friendships and relationships with others, including myself.
Where are you now in your journey and what are your thoughts about your New Year's Resolutions?

[HappyChappy]

To only associate with people who are self aware. E.g. comedians or folk that don't use masking. So I only see misdirection used obviously, in jokes with empathy.

To seek the truth, by watching John Oliver, John Mulaney and others capable of saying it like it is. Funny Ha Ha rather than Funny La La. Plus, hopefully, sell more jokes.

[SinisterComplex]

I am thinking about New Year's Resolutions. The last few years I have been focused on understanding my disordered family members and the reasons why I was chosen to be one of six generations of scapegoats by so many members of my large extended family. I now feel I understand why family members are so cruel to the family scapegoats AND though sad am mostly at peace with going LC/NC with nearly all of them and people who are similarly disordered. For 2024, I want to focus on healing from my avoidant attachment and developing healthy attachment while working on creating my own healthy circle of friends who can be my second family. I have lots to learn about making healthy friendships and relationships with others, including myself.
Where are you now in your journey and what are your thoughts about your New Year's Resolutions?

I think your new years resolution is a step in the right direction. It'll take time, but you already have the right mind set which is to create a healthy positive circle friends around you. I think the thing that will be hard is that instinctively you may not want to open up or trust people...I get it. However, if you get to know people and you hone in on how they make you feel I think you will start to bring those who match your energy in closer and ward off those that seek to use or manipulate.

Good luck to you moving forward and always keep your head up. You've had your cup filled by negativity long enough. Dump that S out and fill the cup anew with positivity.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[HappyChappy]

... and the reasons why I was chosen to be one of six generations of scapegoats by so many members of my large extended family.

... Where are you now in your journey and what are your thoughts about your New Year's Resolutions?

Sinister Complex (I won’t read into that name) has just reminded me, thanks Sin - May I ask what the criteria for choosing 6 generations of scapegoats was ? I’m also a scapegoat, but our trend only spans 2 generations. Happy to swap reasons, it might start / stop a trend ? 

[TelHill]

Like you, zachira, my resolution is to make a friend or small friend group. My plan is to show up in person regularly for church clubs and library book clubs. I'll see who likes coffee and invite someone (!?!!    ) I plan to live with the pains of ups and downs as I know a lot of my attempts won't go my way. I will try not to blame myself and be nice and compassionate towards myself.

HappyChappy, a great idea for more positive and humorous entertainment in my life. I'll check out the comedians you mentioned. Going in person the movies is a goal for me, too.  Streaming services aren't a good long range plan for us self-isolating people.

I like to think I've circumvented my bpd mom & npd brother's plan for me to be a mess-up. That may have been the thought behind their need for me to be a scapegoat to make my brother the star of the family.

[zachira]

Today I am blown away by how making heartfelt decisions for change can sometimes have such immediate results. Last night I had a phone call from a friend whose loving family I have known since childhood. She called to tell me her husband had passed away. She was her usual self, grounded in her feelings, and so thoughtful of my presence. She was mostly grateful for the loving relationship she had with her husband and the loving family that surrounds her. She went out of her way to ask about me, and showed real interest and happiness for what is going on in my life. It was a conversation between two emotionally caring present people. Throughout my life, I have participated in too many one side relationships, in which either I was being controlled by a person who would do all the giving and not let me reciprocate, or I was doing all the giving and there was no real emotional reciprocity. I decided quite awhile ago to limit my interactions with people who cannot do emotional reciprocity. I was congratulated last summer by a person who has known me for over on thirty years on how I have learned to have two way conversations with people. I know this to be a result of some really hard work on my part, including years of therapy, to not be like my disordered family members, And to do what I had to to stop surrounding myself with people who abused me like my disordered family members do.
Keep the New Year's Resolutions coming! So far, I am reading ones here that are grounded in self awareness about what you want to do differently this year. So sorry for the long post about my experiences. I really do want to hear the New Year's Resolutions of others. When we have been abused by disordered family members, our paths towards heartfelt meaningful and loving lives are so different from those who come from loving close knit families.

[Mommydoc]

Hi Zachira, I just finished my vision and goals yesterday…. I used the link that Sappho posted (year compass) to further refine what I had come up with.  It was really helpful.   My goals are fairly broad, but the one most relevant to this forum is “ Healthy exit of my relationship with sister with BPD, with love and grace, while embracing the choices I made for that opportunity.”

I made the decision to offer my sibling a significantly higher proportion of the estate ( roughly 2/3rds) in return for her resigning as Co-trustee and Executor and agreeing not to go down a legal path.   She has been threatening, harassing and extorting me for the last 3 months;  it was predictable, but I have had enough.  It  interfered with my well being and ability to grieve my mom.  I had an injury and broke 2 ribs right before Xmas, which made it a challenging holiday on multiple levels. My attorney told me I would have prevailed legally and I am confident I would have, as my sisters allegations were unfounded. A legal battle would have eaten up a ton of money and emotional energy. I figure I am walking away with about what I would have gotten after months or years of legal fees eroding my 50% portion of the estate.  Once I let go of my attachment to  the settlement “being fair”, it was all fine. My attorney told me “only you know what price to pay” to avoid what was going to be very ugly.    I now walk away knowing that I upheld my parents wishes, and assured a peaceful and dignified last chapter for my mom and now freedom and peace for myself and my family.  That is priceless.   Counting the days until NC is possible!

The rest of my goals center on capitalizing on the fact that I am retired and no longer a caregiver for my parents or kids.  My kids, my parents, and my job defined me for the last 2-3 decades.  2024 is going to be about my husband and me, travel, our new puppy, starting my new business, getting back on track with exercise as I heal from my injuries, re-exploring my creative side, remodeling our second home and spending more time there, but most importantly investing in the most important relationships in my life, my husband, my adult children, my “chosen” family of close friends while letting go of my FOO and grieving my mom. 

The year compass exercise asked some really great probing questions in both reflecting on 2023 as well as envisioning 2024.   Given my physical limitations in coming weeks, it allowed me to focus on what I can do, and where I want to go. It also helped me recognize that along with so much sorrow, change and loss in the last year, that there were countless precious gifts.  Being a part of this forum has been one of them.  I have incredible gratitude for all the support I have found here and all I learn from each of you when I read your posts.  Thank you for being one of the big positives in my 2023!

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
So relieved for you that you will soon have everything settled with your sister. It is so painful to let go of a relationship with the only sister you have yet sometimes there is no other choice. I hope you will heal quickly and soon be enjoying the retirement you have worked so hard for. Happy New Year! Thank you for all your contributions to PSI!

[Mommydoc]

Thank you!