Break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Basically ive just got the final breakup from my ex 10 days ago.

I’ve been with her for 12 years, she had a diagnosis of BPD and narcissistic traits after being together 4 years.

I’m 46 and I’ve ruined my life to be with her. We have gone through many cycles but this is the final one. She said the most awful of things, remembered every minute mistake I made and it has convinced me that I have a disorder.

I won’t give a long winded account of everything but here goes:

We met 12 years ago, she had a 3 year old son. We went through the idealisation stage. I’ve never had this kind of attention in my life and I lapped it up. Then after a year I found her cheating with her son’s Dad. This broke me as I was in love and she was so broken when I met her that I was almost like a parent to her (again no one ever needed me like this and I admit it felt good). I broke it off as I lost my job during the break up.

We got back together and I got another job not so high end as to not trigger her and I can spend more time with her. Things got worse. Now she was very clingy and needy. Her paranoia became unbelievable and her anxiety was through the roof. She constantly lost her temper with me and her son. It got so bad that it was consuming all my time and again effecting my work as an accountant. Her spending got through the roof and her cannabis smoking became constant (I started smoking with her not before and it got worse and worse for me too)

This became a daily thing where the cycles from idealisation to devaluation became almost daily. I was exhausted always on alert. Again it affected my job and my health. I lost that job after 6 years.

Then things got really bad. With lack of money came the hate. I couldn’t support her son and her drug habit as well as her spending habits. We lost the house. She moved back to her council flat and I back to my parents. I was broken.

I still stayed with her as she made promises again which I just believed. I felt I couldn’t lose her now, that I was so invested and leaving now would mean all your efforts were in vain.

But the hate continued. I lost the next 2 jobs i took each lasting a year.

I now knew i had to sort my life out. I was burnt out at work and couldn’t do my job anymore. My brain just felt foggy and over the years I developed a stomach condition which they assumed is ibs and is stress related. So I took a simple job as a delivery driver. I was embarrassed, I went from a high paying accountant to a delivery driver.

After this I  withdrew I stopped going round there. Made her an ultimatum that unless she seeked therapy (which she stopped 7 years ago) we can’t carry on. I hoped she would see sense and go therapy. She seemed fine. Just kept calling me, complaining I’m not coming round and asking for cash.

This I’m ashamed to say lasted a year till 10 days ago. It just snowballed with me depressed and jumping from I want this to work to I’m better off without her. She still threatened things like last month when she said if I don’t give her money she will have to prostitute herself (all while still spending all her money on cannabis)

19 days ago she cruelly brought up everything that I did wrong. Said I was the crazy one. Basically she had met someone else for the last year!!

Although she denies it, her brother who I had a bond with told me. She had lied to everyone that we had completely broken up and had been dating this guy whilst keeping me in the phone with hope we would get back together and taking money.

So that’s it in a nutshell. I’m heartbroken, I haven’t slept for 10 days straight. I’m can’t think straight and all my thoughts are of her and what went wrong.

I’m extremely depressed. All my personality feels like it’s been sucked out of me and I have to force myself to smile. I’m now left with the devastation:46 years old,  No partner, no son, no career, living with parents and no savings.

 I feel like I’m at fault and not a nice guy and have to write down all the things she did as it seems like I can only remember the good times and when I reacted badly to her tantrums and none of the bad. It’s like a dream where I can’t remember what she was like during the relationship.

I have had dark thoughts for the last 10 days. I’m not suicidal but I feel like life is hopeless and have anger over how I was taken advantage of. Saddest thing is she doesn’t even acknowledge what she put me through and no one in my family understand why I don’t just get over it and move on with my life.

But I’m devastated I just wish I can take these feelings away. I’m scared of what I’ve become is irreversible. I have sought professional help with a therapist and my first session is today.

I’m not even sure what kind of feedback I’m looking for here. I just wanted to tell someone. I hope someone who can relate to the above and is further down the line tell me it gets better.

Thank you for reading this.

[Brokenmind]

Basically ive just got the final breakup from my ex 10 days ago.

I’ve been with her for 12 years, she had a diagnosis of BPD and narcissistic traits after being together 4 years.

I’m 46 and I’ve ruined my life to be with her. We have gone through many cycles but this is the final one. She said the most awful of things, remembered every minute mistake I made and it has convinced me that I have a disorder.

I won’t give a long winded account of everything but here goes:

We met 12 years ago, she had a 3 year old son. We went through the idealisation stage. I’ve never had this kind of attention in my life and I lapped it up. Then after a year I found her cheating with her son’s Dad. This broke me as I was in love and she was so broken when I met her that I was almost like a parent to her (again no one ever needed me like this and I admit it felt good). I broke it off as I lost my job during the break up.

We got back together and I got another job not so high end as to not trigger her and I can spend more time with her. Things got worse. Now she was very clingy and needy. Her paranoia became unbelievable and her anxiety was through the roof. She constantly lost her temper with me and her son. It got so bad that it was consuming all my time and again effecting my work as an accountant. Her spending got through the roof and her cannabis smoking became constant (I started smoking with her not before and it got worse and worse for me too)

This became a daily thing where the cycles from idealisation to devaluation became almost daily. I was exhausted always on alert. Again it affected my job and my health. I lost that job after 6 years.

Then things got really bad. With lack of money came the hate. I couldn’t support her son and her drug habit as well as her spending habits. We lost the house. She moved back to her council flat and I back to my parents. I was broken.

I still stayed with her as she made promises again which I just believed. I felt I couldn’t lose her now, that I was so invested and leaving now would mean all your efforts were in vain.

But the hate continued. I lost the next 2 jobs i took each lasting a year.

I now knew i had to sort my life out. I was burnt out at work and couldn’t do my job anymore. My brain just felt foggy and over the years I developed a stomach condition which they assumed is ibs and is stress related. So I took a simple job as a delivery driver. I was embarrassed, I went from a high paying accountant to a delivery driver.

After this I  withdrew I stopped going round there. Made her an ultimatum that unless she seeked therapy (which she stopped 7 years ago) we can’t carry on. I hoped she would see sense and go therapy. She seemed fine. Just kept calling me, complaining I’m not coming round and asking for cash.

This I’m ashamed to say lasted a year till 10 days ago. It just snowballed with me depressed and jumping from I want this to work to I’m better off without her. She still threatened things like last month when she said if I don’t give her money she will have to prostitute herself (all while still spending all her money on cannabis)

19 days ago she cruelly brought up everything that I did wrong. Said I was the crazy one. Basically she had met someone else for the last year!!

Although she denies it, her brother who I had a bond with told me. She had lied to everyone that we had completely broken up and had been dating this guy whilst keeping me in the phone with hope we would get back together and taking money.

So that’s it in a nutshell. I’m heartbroken, I haven’t slept for 10 days straight. I’m can’t think straight and all my thoughts are of her and what went wrong.

I’m extremely depressed. All my personality feels like it’s been sucked out of me and I have to force myself to smile. I’m now left with the devastation:46 years old,  No partner, no son, no career, living with parents and no savings.

 I feel like I’m at fault and not a nice guy and have to write down all the things she did as it seems like I can only remember the good times and when I reacted badly to her tantrums and none of the bad. It’s like a dream where I can’t remember what she was like during the relationship.

I have had dark thoughts for the last 10 days. I’m not suicidal but I feel like life is hopeless and have anger over how I was taken advantage of. Saddest thing is she doesn’t even acknowledge what she put me through and no one in my family understand why I don’t just get over it and move on with my life.

But I’m devastated I just wish I can take these feelings away. I’m scared of what I’ve become is irreversible. I have sought professional help with a therapist and my first session is today.

I’m not even sure what kind of feedback I’m looking for here. I just wanted to tell someone. I hope someone who can relate to the above and is further down the line tell me it gets better.

Thank you for reading this.

[EyesUp]

First, sorry for the circumstances that led you here. 

That said, you are not alone.

Many here have experienced similar cycles of breakups, idealization, blame - the whole package.

At the moment, you’re really hurting- that’s normal. My suggestion is to allow yourself to feel.  If you’re like many others, you’ve probably put your feelings on the back burner, or turned them off entirely, to make room for your x’s feelings, which have consistently taken center stage.

There is some good news:  Like you, I spent many years in an unhealthy relationship - and I’m here to tell you that life goes on.  And it can get much better.  I’m grateful for my reboot, and for resources and many contributors here who helped me get through the tough stuff with my uBPDxw.

How is your ex’s kid?  Is that a relationship you hope to maintain?  It sounds like you didn’t have kids of your own.  Do you have any mutual friends or contacts?  Thinking through how or if to engage your community at this time might be a way to begin to process the breakup.

Day by day, you’ll get through this.

Welcome to this community.

[Brokenmind]

Hi Eyesup

Thank you so much for reaching out.

I do want to have a relationship with him. Unfortunately he’s had to listen to her ranting about me and on last interaction he didn’t want to know. I know he is upset with me for not coming round since we split 11 months ago. I kept contact via phone daily. But promised him numerous times over the years that I  would never leave him with her. That breaks my heart.

No I’ve never had kids, for 12 years I wanted to with her but wanted her to get better mentally and actually be stable as she was neglecting her son with not feeding him and her smoking cannabis habit was really bad.

Any mutual friends have ceased contact but they were her friends. Over the years I fell out with mine defending her actions and words to them. She never liked any of my friends.

And this is the problem. I only had her because I was naive and desperate for us to work. Now I’m alone aside from my parents and siblings.

I’m trying but I feel deeply depressed and just cannot stop focusing on her instead of myself. I feel like I’m deteriorating by the day but it’s only been under 2 weeks since the actual complete discard.

[EyesUp]

My suggestion is to take your time, and be kind to yourself.

I know it's hard to enjoy things at a time like this - books, film, tv - but give it a shot. 

Maybe there was a show that you enjoyed before you met your ex, something that she didn't enjoy - now is a good time to go back a revisit things you enjoyed in the past.  You might find that it's difficult to focus on entertainment or other diversions right now, today, this week, this month - but keep trying.  You might also find that this can be a good way to reconnect with things you enjoy, and ultimately with your self.

As I went through my divorce, I realized that I had not watched TV in years - and it turns out that we live in a golden age of television with many amazing shows on the streaming services. And it turns out that lots of people have watched these shows and like to talk about them - and simply allowing myself to do something as simple as watching TV was a great way to connect or reconnect with friends, family, colleagues...

There's no need to rush - in fact, you should take it slowly - but the point here is: transitions like this can lead to new life.  Sometimes the simplest step - just enjoying a TV show - can not only provide distraction from current circumstances - but eventually help us remember what it feels like to be happy, amused, excited for what comes next...

I also hear that the situation with your ex's son weighs on you - I'm sure I'd feel the same way.  There's no easy answer here, but perhaps you can think of this in terms of the future - what would you like to say to this kid in 5 or 10 years, given the chance?  Sometimes coming at the situation from a different angle can produce a different feeling or some insight.

Take it easy - you'll get there.

[Brokenmind]

Again thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I have tried but like you said I’ll watch 5 min and then that thought would come in. For example I watched a romantic love scene and it just set me off thinking about her.

I know I was manipulated, I know I was cheated on, I know I was lied to and that she didn’t do this consciously with actual malice. But that’s the disconnect I can’t understand help how she feels.

During the breakup she made it clear that she has changed as a person. Basically doing all the things I wished she would do. Cut down on smoking, cleaning up after herself, not being so angry (which she blames on me), helping her son out with homework. I know she is not doing these things as she was still asking for the same amounts of cash to survive.

With her son I feel like I let him down. I want to explain to him that it want him and I love him like my own. I want him to know it was this fault and that I didn’t want to abandon him like his Dad did. But even to me it feels like I bailed out on him to save myself.

She is quite poisonous when it comes to people she falls out with. She would wish from her own Mother dead to the local shopkeeper who refused to give her cigarettes and pay the next day. So I know she has been saying the same if not worse to her son about me.

I did say to him that I would always be there for him if he ever needs me.

Thank you, I know I need time to heal. It’s just hard when your entire existence for the last 12 years has revolved completely around her. It’s the loneliness and the fact that doing anything to improve myself reminds me that I’m doing it because of what she did to me.

[EyesUp]

I did say to him that I would always be there for him if he ever needs me.

That may be the most you can do for the moment.

Thank you, I know I need time to heal. It’s just hard when your entire existence for the last 12 years has revolved completely around her. It’s the loneliness and the fact that doing anything to improve myself reminds me that I’m doing it because of what she did to me.

Please re-read what you wrote a few times.  Is it really true?  What would you be doing if you had never met your X? 

It's good that you know that healing will take time.  Eventually, the way you see things today - through a filter defined by your X - will dissipate.  You may come to realize that you want to improve simply because it's what you want, what you prefer - and that you had wants and preferences before you met your X, and maybe some of these things have nothing to do with your X. 

It will take time. Until then, consider if it's possible to reframe self-talk that involves your X (possibly a continuous stream of thoughts about your X at this point) without your X.

i.e., watching TV.  Scenario reminds you of your X.  Is there a way to reframe?  Possibly, the scenario is merely an aspirational moment that almost anyone would aspire to, admire, enjoy, etc.  Possibly more universal than specific to your X.  Did the filmmaker or actors know you or your X?  ergo, it's probably not about your X...

In this way, anything and everything could be about your X.  Or, conversely - nothing is about your X - unless you choose to see it that way (mostly out of habit).

Yes, there will be a ton of reminders and what ifs and unanswered questions - that's normal. 

Personal anecdote:  I've got three kids, my middle kid has an ADHD diagnosis.  I listened to an ADHD podcast for a while, and a kid with ADHD (and a great attitude about it) had a great line:  "ADHD stands for Attention Deficit, Hey Donuts!"

I mention this because you'll know you're healing when you're thinking about your X (again) when suddenly your brain says something like "Hey Donuts!" or simply wanders off elsewhere...    i.e., it's really hard to imagine this now - but eventually, you'll have other things to think about.  Could be work.  Could be play.  Could be anything.   It'll take a while to get there.

In the meantime, next time you're eating a donut (or whatever you happen to enjoy), slow down and take a minute to really enjoy it.  Think about that donut.  Think about the first time you had a donut.  Think about the last time you had a really good donut.  Maybe your X was there, maybe not.  Think about someone - other than your X - who would also enjoy sharing that donut - even if that's someone you haven't spoken with in a while, or possibly someone who's no longer in your life.  The point is:  Enjoy the "donut" and think about people who aren't your X.  Try to do this a little bit each day.

In my case, when my relationship with my uBPDxw ended, I suddenly found that I had time to do things that I had neglected or forgotten for years.  Skiing, cycling - solo and with friends.  Film, TV, books.  Cooking things that I like.  Focus on work and career. 

Your comment about stepping away from a job because of how it made your X feel was something I completely related to.  I was once offered a significant promotion at work.  I discussed the opportunity with my then wife, but asked her not to mention it to anyone until it was signed sealed and delivered.  Two days later, one of her friends congratulated me on the promotion - although it wasn't a done deal yet - I was completely taken by surprise.

Yet a year later, when I was thriving in my new role, my then-wife was often upset.  She would often comment that she was a failure, that nothing in her career had gone according to plan, and that somehow my success made her look bad...

Of course this was confusing and concerning and like you, I went so far as to consider how to minimize how my work would impact my then-wife.  It was a lose-lose scenario:  Holding back was equally fraught vs. sharing.  Either way, my uBPDxw would find a way to feel bad about... something.  And I would also fail - as a husband, as a professional.

Other than sympathizing with what you've been through, I'm here to tell you:  That no-win scenario is self-imposed. It's optional, not required. Your next act is up to you...

Step by step - You'll get there.

[Brokenmind]

You have no idea how much this is helping.

I know it’s the most I could do but I still feel guilty that he is in that situation with his Mums push/pull temper.

You’re absolutely right. I feel like I sound pathetic just saying “the thought of improving myself just reminds me that it’s because of her”.

Thank you for the personal feedback . Your middle son came up with a great saying. On that note if you don’t mind me asking and I totally understand if you don’t. How long has it been since the divorce and how long did it take to rediscover yourself?

Also a great point you made about the donut eating. On Christmas Day I hardly ate anything despite being around my loving family and I just couldn’t focus on the here and now. I need to start focusing on what’s going on in the present rather than half living in the past.

Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it and it’s actually calmed down my panic attack I’ve been having every hour since 2am today! I want to just stop feeling like this but I just need to realise that any small step no matter how small is still a step in the right direction.

[Brokenmind]

Sorry I didn’t answer your question what would I if I wasn’t with my ex. I suppose if I had never met her I would maybe have my friends still, I would not  have  struggled in my career, I would have more hobbies.but I suppose you don’t really  know. What I do know is that this has been a harsh lesson. I had taught me a lot about myself and shown a glaring light at my own issues with codependency and how I never loved myself hence why I put up with it all in the first place. I just wish the lesson did not cost 12 years of my life.

[Brokenmind]

Today I had a good day. I with up thinking about her but pushed it down.

Then she just called me. I answered like the idiot I am

She basically started by screaming “I can’t get through to the bank”. Then slammed the phone down. I texted her saying “ok do you need any help”, as this is how usually starts when asking for money. She called again, I answered then she put the phone down. Then she texted me saying “Didn’t want to call you, trying to call the f@#king bank”.

I left it at that. Don’t know what to do? Is she just trying to start contact again? Is she just desperate for cash? Do I call her to find out? In the past she would do this and if I didn’t directly offer money or just transfer what I think she needs it would lead into an argument.

The worst part is the anxiety I felt dissipated the moment she called. Almost like she is in control of it and can stop it with one call. I dread to think this will bring me back to day one all over again.

[EyesUp]

That sounds really familiar - both the part about initiating a cry for help, of sorts, with a confrontation, as well as the strange feeling of relief when contacted - even though you (we) know better...

My advice is:  Sit with these feelings for a bit.  Don't make any moves that might have consequences, intended or otherwise.

Do you really want to send money to someone who is already seeing someone else?  Or claims to be?  Is it your responsibility to be a rescuer?  Is the impulse to rescue more about her or about you? 

Give yourself time to sort through what you're feeling and experiencing.   Keep in mind that many of us here have compromised and sacrificed a lot - like you - and when we've been able to step back and detach, we often see that the ex also moves on.  Sometimes there is a new story - a huge change in persona that your ex will want you to know about.  Or, sometimes, history repeats - the same pattern of blame, etc., plays out with someone new.  Or, sometimes, there's a real separation and you just don't know what happens next.  Be prepared for any or all of the above, and keep in mind:  your ex's choices are her choices.  And you also have the agency and freedom to make your own new choices.

Hang in there - events like NYE are always loaded moments.  This is as good a time to take stock and set goals as any - maybe better. 

[Brokenmind]

Thank you Eyesup.

After her last text she called 2 hours later, she said she didn’t need any money but wanted help making an Amazon payment. She then screamed she’s got to go and hang up.

[quote author=EyesUp
Do you really want to send money to someone who is already seeing someone else?  Or claims to be?  Is it your responsibility to be a rescuer?  Is the impulse to rescue more about her or about you? 

I don’t but at the same time I know what she is like with money. She would get herself into a position every week where she runs out of cash and needs it for essentials for her son. She is an adult and I know it’s not my responsibility but it’s  her son who I don’t want to starve.

I don’t know, I feel so conditioned, that I’m not sure if it’s about me wanting to rescue or her.

I’m trying not to think about it now. But it’s hard when you physical manifestations that reminds me of her. Like waking up in a panic, fast heart rate, feeling anxious, and sweaty. The fact I’m going a job I hate that I’m only doing because of the relationship doesn’t help.

I keep making plans to work on myself, to treat myself. I’ve also writing a journal of what happened over 12 years. All the tantrums etc. I’m not sure if this is healthy but it seems to serve as a reminder as my thoughts always focus on the good times we had.

Another thing I find difficult is explaining to people “why I look so depressed”. I say my 12 year old relationship ended then feel the urge to explain that it was abusive etc. it’s like I want to scream to the world this happened to me. Is that normal?

[Brokenmind]

Happy New Year everyone,

Mine has not been great.

So on NDD she called me in the middle of a family get together I closed myself away and answered. Why don’t I stop? I actually started feeling ok for the first time with all my nieces and nephews. I know I’m not going to get closure for everything I’ve been through anyway and yet I still answer??

She began really tearfully and said that “this has been really hard for her but she hasn’t shown it as there is no point”.

She put the phone down on me before I could respond.

But she then called back after an hour and of course I answered again.

She wasn’t teary this time. She said she wants to talk. I told her that I already told her how I feel and if only way we could have worked was if she stuck with therapy and during this I would have stuck by her but she didn’t and then she met someone else.

She said she only started seeing him recently and she hadn’t asked for money since. I stopped myself from saying that her own brother told me the truth. I couldn’t be bothered for the argument. She continued by saying we wouldn’t have worked and she hasn’t seen me for nearly a year now so she doesn’t feel the same anymore.

 I stupidly asked how can she feel nothing at all when we had shared 11 years together? I regretted this the moment I said it.

She asked if we could be friends still.

So I told her that won’t work. I can’t be friends and I again asked if I could be allowed contact with her son if he wishes to.

The next thing she said completely threw me. Shw spoke about how handsome her son is and how he took after his Father!

She said she should never had rebounded onto me from her son’s Dad 11 years ago! A Father that’s not sent one Christmas card or birthday wish to his son. Absolutely no contact for over 11 years and shes saying she regrets being with me instead of trying to repair their relationship.

I’m absolutely hurt by this. I ended the call. I haven’t stopped crying since. What the hell is going on? I feel like I’m going crazy. I got no one to talk to apart from my therapist and this group. I’m back to day 1, 2 weeks ago.i can’t think straight as I haven’t slept.

Great way to start the NY.  

[Brokenmind]

Not sure why I keep writing here but it seems to help me.

Since NYD we have been in contact. Im now a complete numb mess and although I know this relationship has been very toxic I can’t help but try and bargain with her. She got worse started shouting at me.

This carried on until yesterday, she ended the call because I called her and it disturbed her son studying and she really screamed at me.

I was left in stunned silence for hours. Do I apologise for simply calling? Do I just leave it?

I left it.

All last night I came to realise that I need to stop and realise that the person I loved is gone and the other person, that’s broken one is who she shows me now.  I just remind her of nothing but blame for her own life now. Someone else who let her down badly.

I need to heal. After 12 years I have only my immediate family as any support. No friends all alienated.No social life as she was my life for 12 years. Literally I did nothing else but put out fires and stopped everything else in my life to avoid upsetting her. I was so agreeable that I let her do that to me despite everyone including my own gut screaming at me why?

 I need to get back into my career and salvage what’s left of my life.its hard to feel like a victim when you’ve been emotionally abused for 12 years because you let it happen. It almost feels like the person I was before has been erased.

I now need to rediscover who that person was.

[EyesUp]

@OP.  I like the way you're thinking here.

My T encouraged me to reconnect with friends and family.  I went on facebook for the first time in years - never really liked it, and by uBPDxw was triggered by my having visible relationships so often railed against it.  Post divorce, I realized that there were a lot of people still there who were glad to reconnect...

Great idea to focus on yourself, rebuilding, reconnecting. 

I'd encourage you to take it easy as you dip a toe back into your larger social circle - no need to unload trauma on people you haven't been in close contact with - keep coming back here for that, and consider getting a T if you don't already have one.

Now is the time for self care. I know it's a cliche, but consider a gym membership.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step... 

[SaltyDawg]

BrokenMind,

   I see you have posted a few times with few answers, so I am going to take some time to answer.  I will reflect back to you what you said, from a different perspective, and shine a light on a path you might want to consider - what you do is up to you.


Not sure why I keep writing here but it seems to help me.

I write a lot here too, and a lot of it does seem to help me, it helps me process what is really going on in my toxic relationship with my pwBPD.  In other words, you are venting or journaling, which allows you to process what is going on within this relationship, and to figure out what the heck is going on to make sense of the  irrational.


Since NYD we have been in contact. Im now a complete numb mess and although I know this relationship has been very toxic I can’t help but try and bargain with her. She got worse started shouting at me.

If untreated, and she is unaware of her actions, these kinds of behaviors will get worse with time.  Before I took positive action, my pwBPD was literally screaming a few inches away from my face for over 7 hours straight (normally 2-4 hours).  In order for this to get better, she needs to have some self-awareness, and must be willing to work on herself.  On your part, you would need to set some firm boundaries on what is and is not acceptable for you, and learn to go 'gray rock' or walk away temporarily until the dust settles on these emotional dysregulations.


This carried on until yesterday, she ended the call because I called her and it disturbed her son studying and she really screamed at me.

I was left in stunned silence for hours. Do I apologise for simply calling? Do I just leave it?

I left it.

Unless she works on her anger issues, these will likely get worse.  Do not validate the invalid, you apologizing for her screaming - does that make sense? 


All last night I came to realise that I need to stop and realise that the person I loved is gone and the other person, that’s broken one is who she shows me now.  I just remind her of nothing but blame for her own life now. Someone else who let her down badly.

This is a painful realization for you.  Unless she shows some interest in fixing things, and that she is part of some of the issue here, things will unlikely get better, in fact they will likely get worse. 

From what you have shared, it is not you who has let her down badly, even though she is feeling this way.  A borderline cannot accept blame, it is shame, so they shift that blame on to someone else that is a 'safe target' who will not pushback on them, and that person is you.

You said, "I need to stop".  I agree with you, in order to stop being on the receiving end of yelling and screaming - how do you plan on doing this?


I need to heal. After 12 years I have only my immediate family as any support. No friends all alienated.No social life as she was my life for 12 years. Literally I did nothing else but put out fires and stopped everything else in my life to avoid upsetting her. I was so agreeable that I let her do that to me despite everyone including my own gut screaming at me why?

"WHY?" that is the question I am going to suggest you focus on.  I too 'let myself' be isolated from friends (a support system), as I poured my heart and soul into my relationship with my pwBPD - it literally destroyed my other relationships as I neglected those too, especially as I let my wife's crazy narrative isolate me from them.  The difference between you and me mine was for a decade longer than yours, and it has taken a terrible toll.


I need to get back into my career and salvage what’s left of my life.its hard to feel like a victim when you’ve been emotionally abused for 12 years because you let it happen. It almost feels like the person I was before has been erased.

I feel that way too.  I will offer up a word of caution; however...  You have thrown yourself all-in with your friend for 12-years, only to be chewed up.  I had two mistresses, one was my uBPDw, the other my career.  Make sure you have a good work-life balance before going 'all-in' on your career.


I now need to rediscover who that person was.

How do you go about doing this?  If you have insurance, I would highly recommend your own individual therapy to help guide you in this direction.

Do self-care, whatever that might look like for you.

Figure out what you like, and join hobby groups and make new friends.

I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully you can find your way again, and move forward to a better life.

Take care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

Hi SD

Thank you for taking the time, you have no idea how much it helps me just getting a reply from someone who has been where I am.

It is really like venting (something I’m all too familiar with after 12 years) and it helps but I feel like I’m also ruminating this way and too much.  Sometimes I get afraid that I’m mirroring her with the this line of thinking.

I understand what you mean by setting boundaries.I never had this issue before this relationship. I tried everything with her but she never ever stuck by them.

You are right, over the last 5 years she got worse and worse and the cycles got more frequent it got too much a year ago and I told her unless she seeks therapy and is serious about working on her emotional instability with therapy I can’t carry on. Like an idiot I kept contact and did not move on for a year hoping (being betrayed in the meantime with another man) that she would seek help.

You are right, it does not make sense to apologise for shouting at me. I suppose I’ve been conditioned over the years to just excuse (and apologise) for her abuse. I almost felt like it was me that was triggering her and think if only I did this or said this.  

I know I have traits I need to address like me being too agreeable, people pleasing and have developed this deep fear of now being alone (did I get this from her as I never felt this way before I met her with any ex gf)..

One of the problems I had over the years was getting her to accept any responsibility despite saying it with compassion. It got to a point where unless I whole heartedly agree with her the anger would be turned on me. Even when it’s blatantly obvious it was her in the wrong she would blame it on someone else.

I certainly have explored why I’m like this. It stems from my parents. My Father was one of the most angriest man you could meet and i grew up watching my Mother bend backwards, obey every whim and excuse all his behaviours and abuse to her and me and my brothers. My Mother was the most loving person you could meet but also a chronic worrier. She used to stay up all night for me right until I moved out at 22 and over compensated for my Dads lack of empathy.

So meeting my ex, who had the temper and stubbornness of my Dad along with being really worried like my Mum I confused this subconsciously with love.

The issue I have is that now that it’s over all I have left is the devastation of my life so everything. From where I’m staying, where I’m working and how I’m feeling is as a direct result of her. So everything reminds me of her.

The worst feeling is the thunderous silence.

I don’t get a 30 texts to reply to. I don’t get phone calls all the time. I’m not constantly helping her. I just sit here in silence. It’s like all I had was trauma for 12 years and I somehow prefer that to the silence.

I know I have a lot of healing to do. I just don’t know how to stop  feeling like I’ve been utterly destroyed and now at 46, I don’t have time to fix my life.

I also feel angry with myself for constantly thinking about her with someone else now and how she would have learned from our relationship and how she is now being the person I wanted with someone else. I hate thinking like this as I feel so insecure and pitiful.

You mention yours lasted a decade longer and I’m so sorry to hear that it took a terrible toll. Can I ask how long has the split been and if you managed to find happiness again?

I’ve started therapy, expensive, and after just 2 sessions I’m not sure if it will help but aside from this forum it’s the only place where I can talk about it with someone who understands the trauma. My family don’t understand it (my Dad has stopped talking to me because I’m depressed and he said I’ve ruined my life for some crazy person) which doesn’t help.

So thank you so much again for replying.








.

[EyesUp]

You mention yours lasted a decade longer and I’m so sorry to hear that it took a terrible toll. Can I ask how long has the split been and if you managed to find happiness again?

I’ve started therapy, expensive, and after just 2 sessions I’m not sure if it will help but aside from this forum it’s the only place where I can talk about it with someone who understands the trauma. My family don’t understand it (my Dad has stopped talking to me because I’m depressed and he said I’ve ruined my life for some crazy person) which doesn’t help.

@OP

I hope you don't mind if I jump in again.  A couple words of encouragement...

I was married to my uBPDxw for 14 years, but we were together for most of 25 years. When we first separated, with 50-50 parenting time, we still saw each other during frequent transitions. I realized that I would look forward to seeing her messages and then her car in the driveway - old familiar patterns - and that it wasn't particularly healthy.

In order to break these patterns, I changed things up so that we'd always transition the kids' things on her porch - where I could pick up and drop off the bags when she wasn't home, so we didn't need to interact directly. I know your situation is different, but my point is: Reducing contact helps in a variety of ways.

My T encouraged me to reconnect with old friends, classmates, colleagues, and family that I had neglected or even allowed my ex to alienate over the years.  I encourage you to do the same. You don't need to share your story with everyone, and I don't mean to assume or suggest that you would - if people ask, you can keep it high level:  "yes, we've split up - and it's great to finally have time to reconnect with people who matter to me" - etc.

I'm not encouraging you to rush into a new relationship, but you will likely discover that in time, there will be opportunity.  Friends and family who see that you're recovering / doing well, may offer to introduce you to someone who they know from work/church/acquaintance/etc who is single... I'd encourage you to politely decline introductions until you're more healed - could be 6-12 months, but there is no set schedule. I'd say that when you've got new things on your mind, you're focused on your home, your job, etc., and you're not thinking about ex, may be when you're ready to explore something with someone new.

I this specifically in response to your question about finding happiness again: Yes, it's possible. It largely depends on YOU being open to shift your focus to YOU, and finding satisfaction in things that make YOU happy.  When you're happy, you have a much better chance of also being happy in a relationship - in which you and your partner can enjoy and celebrate and contribute to each other's happiness.

So start to explore the things that make you happy - not just the familiar activities of recent years.  And be open to some new things, too.

FWIW, I'm 53, my split occurred when I was 50, and I'm super grateful for a second act.  I was adamantly opposed to divorce for so long, it didn't even occur to me that it might actually be a good thing.  For me, "radical acceptance" turned out to mean accepting things that I could change in myself...  Envisioning a new and different future than what I had planned was a big one!  Embracing this change was a huge relief - it was like a light switch flipped and I suddenly realized that many things were possible that were previously impossible.

Imagine: planning an activity for the weekend that doesn't trigger massive blowback and conflict at home. Want to go for a hike? Camping? Visit family? Just go. No guilt, no permission. Amazing!

As a side note, you mentioned thoughts about your ex with someone new... Totally normal. In my case, my uBPDxw is now engaged to be married. I'm apprehensive that some of the same issues that were present in our relationship will appear again in her new relationship - and this may be difficult for the kids. But other than considering how her behaviors effect our kids (or how we interact in regard to coparenting the kids), I don't really give her new relationship any thought. It's her life to live. We're both adults, I also date, etc. I sort of want to buy her fiance a beer and wish him well. I have no doubt that the time and attention she gives to her new relationship helps to diminish whatever ongoing hostility or misdirected energy she might otherwise send my way.

Like your ex, my ex immediately dove into a new relationship. BPDs crave attention and validation and so generally can't stand to be alone. My advice is: Even as you're reconnecting with the rest of the world, also get comfortable with being alone. That's another good sign that you're healing.

At the moment, I'm sure you're feeling acute effects of a recent separation. It's probably a lot like quitting any other addictive behavior or habit cold turkey - It's hard, it's uncomfortable, and you're fighting almost reflexive behaviors that are triggered by, well, everything, all day, every day. 

The best way to change behavior is often to adopt new behavior.  The good news is that you can do this at every level. Try a new brand of coffee (not the one your ex liked). Go to a restaurant that you've never been to. Watch a TV show you've never seen. Get up earlier, stay up later. Try new things. Revisit the things that you enjoy.

You're free to live your life - This can truly be a gift.

At some point, you will notice that you're not thinking about your ex that much...

Last thing - I'm sorry you're not getting support from your father. It might not be a coincidence that lack of support from your FOO contributes to accepting unhealthy dynamics in other relationships - that has absolutely been the case for me.  You might explore this a bit with your T?

Wishing you well - please keep us posted on how you're doing.

[SaltyDawg]

Brokenmind,

   Thank you for coming back and sharing.

   I will comment on a few of the things you have written...


I understand what you mean by setting boundaries.I never had this issue before this relationship. I tried everything with her but she never ever stuck by them.

A normal relationship, boundaries are naturally respected and implied, so there is no need to explicitly state those boundaries in those relationships.


You are right, over the last 5 years she got worse and worse and the cycles got more frequent it got too much a year ago and I told her unless she seeks therapy and is serious about working on her emotional instability with therapy I can’t carry on. Like an idiot I kept contact and did not move on for a year hoping (being betrayed in the meantime with another man) that she would seek help.

Unfortunately, even though many say they are unpredictable; however, when looking at BPD through a "cluster-B" lens, they are extremely predictable in their behaviors, as their past behavioral patterns are very much indicative of their future ones, unless they choose to change, change will not happen.


I know I have traits I need to address like me being too agreeable, people pleasing and have developed this deep fear of now being alone (did I get this from her as I never felt this way before I met her with any ex gf)..

I am glad that you brought this up, I too have the 'people pleasing' trait among several other codependent type traits.  I too have the 'fear of abandonment' however, it is only when she threatens divorce and/or separation - real; however, for my wife it is much worse, as she has imagined fears, that repeatedly play out for her on a daily if not hourly basis.

Use an individual therapist, to do a deep dive on your own issues, and what you bring to the table, so you can clean up your side of the street, so to speak.


One of the problems I had over the years was getting her to accept any responsibility despite saying it with compassion. It got to a point where unless I whole heartedly agree with her the anger would be turned on me. Even when it’s blatantly obvious it was her in the wrong she would blame it on someone else.

My wife used to be that way, it wasn't until recently, the past several months where she actually began to apologize for her actions, before that it was continually blame shifting things on to me and/or the children.


I certainly have explored why I’m like this. It stems from my parents. My Father was one of the most angriest man you could meet and i grew up watching my Mother bend backwards, obey every whim and excuse all his behaviours and abuse to her and me and my brothers. My Mother was the most loving person you could meet but also a chronic worrier. She used to stay up all night for me right until I moved out at 22 and over compensated for my Dads lack of empathy.

And since this is the love you have grown up with, it is the love you are now experiencing with your own pwBPD.  History repeats itself, unless these patterns are recognized, and you can work with a therapist to break these bonds.


So meeting my ex, who had the temper and stubbornness of my Dad along with being really worried like my Mum I confused this subconsciously with love.

I believe you have identified the source of the problems.



The worst feeling is the thunderous silence.

I don’t get a 30 texts to reply to. I don’t get phone calls all the time. I’m not constantly helping her. I just sit here in silence. It’s like all I had was trauma for 12 years and I somehow prefer that to the silence.

You are addicted to the drama of the 'trauma bond' - this is something you might want to look up, I know it has been written of several times on this site, lmk, and I will dig up some links for you.


I know I have a lot of healing to do. I just don’t know how to stop  feeling like I’ve been utterly destroyed and now at 46, I don’t have time to fix my life.

I'm a decade older than you, and I plan on restarting when I am 60 or 61.  A dBPD-therapist aptly reminded me, once you are in your 40's the advantage is definitely to the man with regards to dating.  I have noticed that BPD women have approached me on many occasions, I know I 'attract crazy' so, if and when you do start to rebuild, be on the lookout for familiar patterns and then actively avoid those.


I also feel angry with myself for constantly thinking about her with someone else now and how she would have learned from our relationship and how she is now being the person I wanted with someone else. I hate thinking like this as I feel so insecure and pitiful.

You are ruminating, this is a painful process, especially as you are trauma bonded to her, that makes it all the more painful.


You mention yours lasted a decade longer and I’m so sorry to hear that it took a terrible toll. Can I ask how long has the split been and if you managed to find happiness again?

I should clarify, it lasted for a decade longer 'so far', and it is still in progress - as long as my wife is improving, I will be there for her.  However, things do not seem to be moving too much in a good direction for now.  That said, this is my 2nd dance to the BPD relationships, my first lasted 3 years before she cheated on me a 2nd time, and I left her only to land in the lap of my current wife, who is also a pwBPD, but with much better qualities in comparison, as BPD is on a spectrum.



I’ve started therapy, expensive, and after just 2 sessions I’m not sure if it will help but aside from this forum it’s the only place where I can talk about it with someone who understands the trauma. My family don’t understand it (my Dad has stopped talking to me because I’m depressed and he said I’ve ruined my life for some crazy person) which doesn’t help.

If you look, you can find lower cost therapy, https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/online-couples-therapy/ has a list of resources, I have seen that #4 is vetted by a reliable source.


So thank you so much again for replying.

You're welcome.

Take care.

SD








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[/quote]

[Brokenmind]

Hi  Eyesup

I think I’ve read your reply 4 times now thank you again and it’s really helped.

My therapist also said the same thing about reconnecting with old friends. I just feel so guilty for ignoring some and siding with her over others. But I will try so I can at least say I tried.

In regards to staring a new relationship I totally agree I need time to heal. I need to actually start loving myself first as well then I’m less prone to people pleasing. Some of my family have actually already suggested I go on dating apps as dating would take my mind of her. But I know that’s the worst thing I could do. 6 - 12 months however long it takes.

You made me chuckle with the enjoying life without arguments etc. You are right and I think I’m starting to come round to the idea that this is like going through withdrawal. For over a decade I have had daily high drama. I think this is the reason for that panic attack like feeling I get.

I know this sounds like I’m a different person but yesterday she did call me again. She told me she has no money and that her son had to go and stay with his Nan and she needed money, again. I asked what about her new bf and she said they are no longer together. She then went on to claim they never had sex and it wasn’t even a relationship.

It was at this point it hit me. There was nothing I could have done to have made this work. She needs to seek help I could never do that for her and certainly could never convince her to. I can be proud that I’m a loyal guy who tried to stick by her and loved her despite her disorder. I also now accept that I have my own issues otherwise I wouldn’t have put up with it for so long. I need to learn not to avoid conflict all the time. I need to address my lack of self worth.

I will try and I will definitely keep coming back and let you know how I’m doing. I know I will have ups and downs still but I appreciate you all so much. Again you have no idea how much of a help this has been during what’s probably the darkest point of my life.

Thank you for being there.

[Brokenmind]

Hi SD

Again thank you for taking the time this is helping so much.

I know we shouldn’t generalise as everyone is a unique individual but reading about BPD was like reading about my relationship to the t and I see I’m not the only one. I would say one thing, in that it’s opened my eyes to my own issues.

Before this relationship I knew my Father had issues but I always excused them. It’s only reading about toxic relationships, BPD, codependency etc that I could see it clearly as I do now.

This is in fact what I told my therapist I would like to explore and work on in detail.

The addiction to trauma you mention  is just horrible. I’ve never experienced panic attacks before and always thought of them as minor things. But my God they are just horrible. I hope in time they start to get less and less.

She called me yesterday to ask for money She told me she has no money and that her son had to go and stay with his Nan and she needed money, again. I asked what about her new bf and she said they are no longer together. She then went on to claim they never had sex and it wasn’t even a relationship.

This call just made realise that I need to concentrate on myself. It wasn’t my fault and unless she seeks help herself she won’t change. It kind of brought me some clarity to it all.

I’m sorry to hear that your relationship is not moving well at the moment. I hope that changes as she is lucky to have someone that understands it the way you do.

Again I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all this time you have taken to reply. I will come back with an update on my progress. I know that when I was I was really bad last week I was just desperately searching for examples of how someone got through it so maybe it will help someone reading all this.

Thank you again for being there for this stranger.

[SaltyDawg]

BM,

   Thanks for writing back.  I will reflect and comment on some of what you have said...


I know we shouldn’t generalise as everyone is a unique individual but reading about BPD was like reading about my relationship to the t and I see I’m not the only one. I would say one thing, in that it’s opened my eyes to my own issues.

pwBPD have so many traits and behaviors that are in common with each other, of course there are variations, and depending on what you have read they can be categorized in 4 to 8 generalized behavior patterns that are quite predictable, once you learn their patterns, their behaviors are extremely predictable, and it is also predictable, unless they are self-aware and are actively changing their behaviors, the bad ones will become more and more, and the good behaviors will become less and less.

For me my eyes were first opened to fact that I was totally oblivious to even knowing what BPD was about, I had some medical training (for my job) but the mental health part with minimal, almost non-existent.  My eyes were opened, with the impact being similar to the Adam and Eve story, where once the forbidden fruit was eaten, their eyes were open to the knowledge of good and evil, and then they were banished from paradise.  Likewise, the knowledge of BPD, gave me the realization that paradise (where I was love bombed) was no longer a possibility.


Before this relationship I knew my Father had issues but I always excused them. It’s only reading about toxic relationships, BPD, codependency etc that I could see it clearly as I do now.

For me, it took my therapist to ask some very specific questions, where I finally realized that the common denominator was me, as I had a previous BPD relationship as well (a uBPD/uNPD/u+exgf) prior to being with my wife who is likely a uBPD/uOCPDw - a lot of differences, yet a lot of similarities as well.  I thought I was doing the complete opposite, getting into a healthy relationship - I had some concerns on being 'too good to be true' as my wife exceeded the textbook maximum for love bombing (generally thought to be about a year, at most two years, is what I recalled reading when I looked up 'too good to be true' and it referenced some narcissistic articles where love bombing is also present, way back in the year 2001) by a few months, so I made sure I got married after 2 years of the start of our romantic relationship, only to be blind-sided by her first suicide attempt 2 weeks after our honeymoon ended where I told her I felt to be 'baited and switched' by her.

I was a completely oblivious to BPD, as it took me another 19 years from that suicide attempt for my first individual therapist to almost blurt it out to me about 40 minutes into our very first session by him saying to me "Has your wife been evaluated for bipolar or BPD?"  That was the first time I ever heard of BPD - I looked up the symptoms for both after that session, and that was the start of me going down the borderline rabbit hole.

It took many more months of therapy, before it was revealed to me that I had a pattern of being with BPD women, and even more time to realize that some of my issues originated from my family of origin, which I am still exploring with my therapist to gain a better understanding.  It is still a work in progress figuring things out.


This is in fact what I told my therapist I would like to explore and work on in detail.

The addiction to trauma you mention  is just horrible. I’ve never experienced panic attacks before and always thought of them as minor things. But my God they are just horrible. I hope in time they start to get less and less.

Your therapist should be able to help you.  The trauma bond is an exceptionally strong bond, unnaturally strong due to its nature, and getting over a trauma bond is very difficult, even now more than two decades being away from my exgf - I occasionally have issues with it.

More information can be found here on the 'trauma bond'.

Signs/symptoms:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Treating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0


She called me yesterday to ask for money She told me she has no money and that her son had to go and stay with his Nan and she needed money, again. I asked what about her new bf and she said they are no longer together. She then went on to claim they never had sex and it wasn’t even a relationship.

Sounds like the new BF got wise and ran as soon as he saw the first signs of trouble - a repeatable pattern for sure.


This call just made realise that I need to concentrate on myself. It wasn’t my fault and unless she seeks help herself she won’t change. It kind of brought me some clarity to it all.

It is not your fault, it is easier to see the dysfunction once you have been removed from that dynamic. 

Here is a good summary https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/ of the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad - a recommended read on how to manage your relationship with pwBPD.


I’m sorry to hear that your relationship is not moving well at the moment. I hope that changes as she is lucky to have someone that understands it the way you do.

I'd like to think she is lucky, she doesn't seem to see it that way; however.   Today is a better day, being on the rollercoaster of her mood swings, can be daunting at times.


Again I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all this time you have taken to reply. I will come back with an update on my progress. I know that when I was I was really bad last week I was just desperately searching for examples of how someone got through it so maybe it will help someone reading all this.

Thank you again for being there for this stranger.


People on this board, and my own therapists have been immensely helpful in dealing with the fallout of the relationship and managing the dynamic.  Each person is different, and will take a different amount of time to get through this, it is a 'process'.  There are different phases of this process, much like a grieving process, except the person is still alive and well making it all the more complicated.

I am a 'people pleaser' by nature, so I am 'paying it forward', all of the help I have received here, I am helping others understand the dynamic, by reflecting back their comments and shining a light on a different perspective and a possible path forward.

I also volunteer, a lot, and help others, this is what 'fills my cup' as I do get emotional satisfaction by helping others and being felt appreciated (something I do not get from my pwBPD), so I am pleased to be here for you, as it is a form of self-care to atone for my own previous shortcomings in this area.

Take care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

Hi SD

For me the knowledge of BPD was good and bad. Bad in that when she told me I researched the hell out of it and started neglecting myself even more so that I was before. I would excuse her rages even more.

It was good in that it highlighted my own issues when reading about codependency. It was only at the end after 6 years that I realised her love was just love bombing and her own fears of abandonment.Not sure why I carried on for 6 years as it got worse and worse but I did hoping it would change and losing myself and my dignity more and more each time.

I too felt baited and switched.But it cyclical I would still see that love (bombing). It was only when I caught her cheating that I never saw that again. It’s weird because it was almost like she hated me now that I caught her. I will never forget that face going cold when I confronted her.

I’m sure during the 19 years you was like me just reacting normally to her tantrums and pulling your hair out whilst your gut was screaming at you. The rabbit hole was I think even worse for me finding out. Before she told me of her diagnosis I was at my wits end and ready to leave. Reading about BPD meant I had an excuse for her behaviour and something to help her fix. But I ended up giving more of myself as a result and it got worse and worse.

The trauma bond is what scares me the most. I still flinch at every text (almost hoping but also dreading) that it might be her. I still listen to podcasts while I work but I have switch to codependency ones and not BPD now. I still think about her in any spare moment. It’s horrible that’s all I can say.

Thank you for the links I had a read of them and they’re quite helpful.

I think you’re a literal life saver by posting here. The thunderous silence and isolation you feel when going through this is the worst part as no one seems to understand why so coming on here not only provides validation but also understanding. Which is probably the only 2 things that would help right now aside from actual therapy.

Thank you again SD

[Brokenmind]

Last night she called again I ignored it but I got message saying it’s her son and to pick up.

So I did, it was her. She said before I put it down her son does want to talk to me but she needs help. She needed money, again. It was a couple of 100 she was asking for so I transferred just to avoid arguing so I can talk to him.

The phone cut off but he video called me and he said his Mums gone out so we can talk. We spoke and he said how much he missed me and I too. I helped him out with some school work, we spoke about his friends it was great. Then she came into view and cut the phone off.

I tried calling back more out of worry but I’m blocked.

To be honest I’m not as bad as I thought I’d be. I just wished I could of told him I love him.

I just feel numb at the moment. It’s like I don’t even want to process it all in my head and I just haven’t got the energy. .

[SaltyDawg]

BrokenMind,

I’m sure during the 19 years you was like me just reacting normally to her tantrums and pulling your hair out whilst your gut was screaming at you. The rabbit hole was I think even worse for me finding out. Before she told me of her diagnosis I was at my wits end and ready to leave. Reading about BPD meant I had an excuse for her behaviour and something to help her fix. But I ended up giving more of myself as a result and it got worse and worse.

The trauma bond is what scares me the most. I still flinch at every text (almost hoping but also dreading) that it might be her. I still listen to podcasts while I work but I have switch to codependency ones and not BPD now. I still think about her in any spare moment. It’s horrible that’s all I can say.

Since you are on the detaching board, I will say, if you don't have any children together (even though you have her son as a kind of adopted son), it makes it easier to detach from her, and that is a recommended course of action for a codependent, and you have little or no intertwined financial obligations, that too makes it easier.  I am not as fortunate as you, as I have two children, and joint major purchases (a nice home and vehicles) and she is a financial guru, and I suspect (circumstantial evidence) she has hidden a bit of money that will avoid a court battle, the attorney's will benefit, both she and I will lose quite a bit, even though I have leveled the playing field a bit since I have recognized this pattern in her.

I think you are doing excellent by switching to codependent podcasts as you are focusing on your own self-care and not appeasing her being a borderline, something that is much better for you.  Keep up the good work, and don't give up on yourself.

Last night she called again I ignored it but I got message saying it’s her son and to pick up.

So I did, it was her. She said before I put it down her son does want to talk to me but she needs help. She needed money, again. It was a couple of 100 she was asking for so I transferred just to avoid arguing so I can talk to him.

The phone cut off but he video called me and he said his Mums gone out so we can talk. We spoke and he said how much he missed me and I too. I helped him out with some school work, we spoke about his friends it was great. Then she came into view and cut the phone off.

I tried calling back more out of worry but I’m blocked.

To be honest I’m not as bad as I thought I’d be. I just wished I could of told him I love him.

I just feel numb at the moment. It’s like I don’t even want to process it all in my head and I just haven’t got the energy. .

I  am going to be blunt.

In your first post you indicated you met her 12 years ago, and she had a 3 yo son at that time, so correct me if I am wrong, you have been in her son's life all of this time, so that would make him 15 yo - you are a male role model, a surrogate father-figure in his life.  From what you describe it is a healthy relationship with him.
 
It is wrong, that she is using her son as a manipulation tool in order to get a few hundred in cash out of you to serve her own purposes.  While you don't have any legal right to him, you have an emotional bond with him that his mum is exploiting or weaponizing to extort money from you, and will likely again since it worked for her.

So, if this happens again, and there is a strong likelihood of it, as past behaviors are indicative of future ones, I would suggest a different strategy for you, perhaps meet up somewhere, to spend quality time with her son, and at the end of the meetup, then give her the money that she requested, or some other arrangement that you find acceptable with less manipulation from her end.  What are your thoughts on this?

[Brokenmind]

Hi SD

I have asked almost weekly to see him for over a year. Her responses have ranged from he doesn’t want to see me to I don’t love her so why should she let have contact.

I do feel fortunate that I didn’t have children with her. I have to admit it was one boundary I wouldn’t let her break. I did tell her from the start that I would not until she got therapy. The fact she used to candidly say she would probably kill her baby if she had another one that she will carry on smoking cannabis throughout the pregnancy gave me enough reasons.

My numbness has turned to anger today. I’ve been calling to see if she has unblocked me. I know I shouldn’t
I just don’t understand it all. She was so hateful, why? Despite everything she did I never shouted or called her out on what she did to me there was just no need for it.

I even told her before that there is no need to treat me this way. I would still help her for her son. She really does not have any empathy at all and not just for me. She actually demanded more money and almost scowled when I transferred what I did saying she has to wait till next week when I get paid again.

I don’t think she cares if I get to see her son or if her son wants to see me. Can someone be so scarred and burnt that they only think of themselves?

I’m literally writing this in the middle of the night crying 3 hours before I start work Right back to square one. I think she will only make contact now when she needs more money. If she doesn’t then I won’t hear from her.

There is no way for me to contact him so I can tell him I will always love him and when he is older and if he wants, we can see each other again.For my own sanity I think I need to switch phone numbers so she can’t contact me anymore.i came off social media many years ago because of her paranoia and to avoid arguments and I don’t think she knows my email address.


I feel so

[Anonymous_male]

Hi SD

For me the knowledge of BPD was good and bad. Bad in that when she told me I researched the hell out of it and started neglecting myself even more so that I was before. I would excuse her rages even more.

It was good in that it highlighted my own issues when reading about codependency. It was only at the end after 6 years that I realised her love was just love bombing and her own fears of abandonment.Not sure why I carried on for 6 years as it got worse and worse but I did hoping it would change and losing myself and my dignity more and more each time.

I too felt baited and switched.But it cyclical I would still see that love (bombing). It was only when I caught her cheating that I never saw that again. It’s weird because it was almost like she hated me now that I caught her. I will never forget that face going cold when I confronted her.

I’m sure during the 19 years you was like me just reacting normally to her tantrums and pulling your hair out whilst your gut was screaming at you. The rabbit hole was I think even worse for me finding out. Before she told me of her diagnosis I was at my wits end and ready to leave. Reading about BPD meant I had an excuse for her behaviour and something to help her fix. But I ended up giving more of myself as a result and it got worse and worse.

The trauma bond is what scares me the most. I still flinch at every text (almost hoping but also dreading) that it might be her. I still listen to podcasts while I work but I have switch to codependency ones and not BPD now. I still think about her in any spare moment. It’s horrible that’s all I can say.

Thank you for the links I had a read of them and they’re quite helpful.

I think you’re a literal life saver by posting here. The thunderous silence and isolation you feel when going through this is the worst part as no one seems to understand why so coming on here not only provides validation but also understanding. Which is probably the only 2 things that would help right now aside from actual therapy.

Thank you again SD

Hello BrokenMind,

I can relate so much to a lot of the things you are saying. I also just today started reading a self-help book on codependency, after reading 2 books + a lot of internet ressources on BPD.

The fearing but also hoping for the text messages I have also felt often. It is crazy how severe the impact is after the push/pull dynamics. I feel that I have to be strong and get out of this situation. She unfortunately got to have a baby with me coming in a few months that binds us, after a relationship of only 5-6 months. It happened accidentally and I vouched for abortion, but she wanted the baby and her mind was set.

It also rings true to me regarding getting educated about BPD, only to excuse her behavior even more and allow her to rant at me and maybe worse of all in a very devious and steady fashion tells me very detailed (on text, always it was on text. Both rants and other) pages up and down on how she actually believes that I...

1. Must be a psychopath
2. Must be very manipulative all the time with people
3. Am a narcissist
4. Treat my family badly
5. etc.

And actually thinks that these things are normal conversation and is okay to say? It obviously became too much for me and I have after being very validating (I never validate the invalid) at other times , had to confront her on this. That I would not tolerate that she says this about me. And in a good tone I write this to her.

She believes that I broke up with her due to her not being pretty enough and not letting me control her. I tell her the truth, that the reason was largely due to her keep saying that I make her imbalanced and argue that I should do something about this or we could not stay together. I got so sad and frustrated after this and more happening in a cycle of 6-7 times, that I eventually felt I had to break up.

I tell her I think she is pretty among other things. She believes that her version is the truth and writes pages up and down on text about what is wrong with me and keeps asking why I am lying about this. She writes that she knows that she is right and all that she says is correct. She accuses me of blame-shifting and god knows what else, she is actually studying mental diseases at the moment, studying to become a nurse. At some point before learning about BPD, I had mentioned if she should maybe have help and it got out that I had discussed BPD with my sister. Anyway, I never hear the end of this. At the same time she continuously accuses me of all kind of mental disorders. I never talk back to her. I keep my cool and let her know of my limits.

She also has changed other facts from earlier regarding unprotected sex at the beginning. Well this is a one of the symptoms, facts being based on feelings and changed accordingly.

I just got myself started here sorry :D Anyway, I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. At this point I have booked a session with my therapist on Tuesday to help me find a way going forward with the baby and all. Sometimes I weigh the good and bad about her, and there is good. But still. Do I want to take in these accusations and rants, psychotic behavior at times and more for the rest of my life. No. I have come to far in working with my codependency to allow this.

Please stay strong and take care of yourself.

Kind regards,

AM

[SaltyDawg]

BrokenMind,

   I am sorry she isn't responsive, and her responses vary depending on where her current mood swing is. 

My numbness has turned to anger today. I’ve been calling to see if she has unblocked me. I know I shouldn’t

Anger is a healthy response to this.  Channel your anger to do something constructive and positive, as a form of motivation.  Try not to let it be destructive.

I just don’t understand it all. She was so hateful, why? Despite everything she did I never shouted or called her out on what she did to me there was just no need for it.

Looking at her as a 'normal' person you will never get the answer to your question, as they do not think they way you or I do.  Instead look at it from her cluster-b disordered perspective.  They think they are entitled, and the world 'owes' them, and you are part of that world.  They are also incredibly selfish and only think of themselves.

I even told her before that there is no need to treat me this way. I would still help her for her son. She really does not have any empathy at all and not just for me. She actually demanded more money and almost scowled when I transferred what I did saying she has to wait till next week when I get paid again.

They have an arrogant sense of entitlement or victimhood, that they are owed for being wronged by you, in this case not giving them enough money to satisfy their wants.  I found no matter how much I give, a little or everything, it is still not enough, as they have an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

I don’t think she cares if I get to see her son or if her son wants to see me. Can someone be so scarred and burnt that they only think of themselves?

I will validate your observation as being correct - it is unfortunate; however, this is how they think - when they are triggered, they can only think in absolutes, either all white, or all black - no shades of gray.

I’m literally writing this in the middle of the night crying 3 hours before I start work Right back to square one. I think she will only make contact now when she needs more money. If she doesn’t then I won’t hear from her.

I am sorry this is upsetting you to the point of crying.  I agree with your assessment, she will only contact you when she needs more money.

Even though this seems manipulative, you can set a boundary, "I will support your son, if you will allow me to see your son, in person".  Indicate, you have the money ready to be transferred; however, you will only do so, after you spend some quality time with him at a restaurant, or another fun place that you know he would like. 

She let you talk to her son, in exchange for money, she was in control.  Shift the balance of control to you, and modify the terms that you find acceptable. 

One of two things will happen.  #1.  She will cut contact with you (likely, in order to punish you); however, after some time, overnight, or in a few days time when money gets even tighter, she will return - repeat your boundary, she will either repeat that behavior again, or agree to your terms if she is desperate enough - the power will have shifted, she will respect you more (as you won't be as big of a pushover), and it will be on your terms (preferable), not hers.

However, and this is a big however, #2 is that she finds another partner to pay her way, and you will lose all contact.  This will happen whether or not you play by her rules or your rules on this money for access to her son scheme.  If she finds someone else, you will not have access even if you do play by her rules.

There is no way for me to contact him so I can tell him I will always love him and when he is older and if he wants, we can see each other again.For my own sanity I think I need to switch phone numbers so she can’t contact me anymore.i came off social media many years ago because of her paranoia and to avoid arguments and I don’t think she knows my email address.

If the boundary that was suggested works, you can tell her son all of these things on your time table and manner of interaction. 

Regarding switching numbers, of you have a mobile phone, you can tag a number not to ring, mark it as SPAM, or block the number if you can.  Also, you were contacted from her son's phone number, if you do change the numbers, that means you will also be cutting him off too.  Choose wisely, using wise-mind (tool menu above). 

Please be kind to yourself, and so some self-care.

Take Care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

Hey AM

Thank you for posting.

It is really crazy. I can only liken it to withdrawal from an addiction. I just can stop focusing on her which is maddening.

Its weird because I think of the bad things she did trying to convince myself that I was actually abused daily for 12 years but I can’t help ending up thinking about  good times and what I did wrong.

I’m reacting pretty much the way she reacted to say a missed phone call for 10min. I feel like I’m hyperventilating sometimes and just want to hear from her again. And when I do and it’s a relief but then the same thoughts of her abuse, cheating and rages comes flooding back.

The saying:  “Can’t live with them Can’t live without them” is so uncannily true for me!!

On your child that must be hard for you as you cannot go no contact. All you can do is do what best for you and the child. You need to look after yourself to stay strong.

Sometimes I even wish I had a child with her to maintain some sort of link with her! How crazy is that! She is not fit to be a mother and I don’t say that with hate, some of the things she did to her child would get me so angry which was waving kids was the only boundary I didn’t let her break.

I too got called a “psycho”, manipulative, treated them badly. All the things she showed. I’m not even sure if that’s called gaslighting or not.

But Psycho? I suppose my reactions to her daily rages and jealousy got worse as the years went on, I was no longer as calm when your forced to walk on egg shells for years.

Manipulative? When she would use hyper sex, jealousy, suicidal threats and just lies to change the situation.

Treated them badly? When I use to each week have to lie in bed with her son sobbing why his Mum wished him dead.

For me this is what’s maddening, I went willingly into a rabbit hole and accepted more and more boundaries and morals to be broken and I lost who the hell I was before I met her.

This is why it’s important we work on our issues.. I’m starting  from day 1 again so my pain is immense.

As my therapist said, 12 years is a long time but these feelings stem from my childhood. Which is why I have codependency traits like never saying no for fear of judgement , never ever paying attention to my own needs but the needs of others (honestly thought this was a plus all my  life), the need to rescue others, low self esteem,

But I will again try to build myself up with therapy and focusing on my needs and actually stop hating myself for letting someone do that to me and accept what happened  only then once I love myself will I be ready to love someone else.

It’s just so painful, good luck in your recovery and stay strong too AM.

[Brokenmind]

Thanks SD

I’m trying SD, I just need to understand I trauma bonded to someone with a mental disorder. The anger comes and goes into despair at times when I run out of things to do.

I never had these free moments for 12 years as any free time was spent literally firefighting her impulses, rages or accusations. So free time just reminds me of her absence in my life.

It is unfortunate SD that this is how they think. It’s even more unfortunate that I put myself through this thinking I could fix it. I just feel like a complete idiot for not ending it in the first year after the first 100 red flags and went through hell for another 11 years for a love that never even existed.

[Anonymous_male]

Hey BrokenMind,

I know the feeling you are describing in regards to the addiction of the person. I also struggle with too much free time and the risk of doing something which would be bad for me because of it.

You were in that relationship for so many years. So much longer than me. Must be so hard, because I feel that I struggle trying to ignore the good times with my just 5-6 months in.

Yes regarding our child I truly fear coming over to see the child and not get tangled in again.

I know how you feel with the accusations. It seems unfair. In my case she seems to do a good job with the kids that she has, does not have suicidal tendencies and does not seem to have been unfaithful. This sometimes makes me doubt myself if she really has BPD. But soon enough I am reminded again with the black and white thinking, accusations, dreamed up facts about situations, angry outburst and more and become reminded again. But sometimes my mind is just looking for everything that it can find to believe that things can work out. It’s terrible because I know that the bad behavior will likely never end and that I cannot withstand it. I will not.

Sounds tough the situation you mention with her son. Awful.

I also struggle with childhood issues but have come a long way since my divorce from a different person 5 years ago.

Thanks for the kind words. Hope we can all help each other on the right path in here. It seems I have not yet found someone who has actually made things work with a pwBPD.

It’s terrible with this trauma bond.