Rumination of how I gave away my self at the end.

[Jas03]

Hello BPDFamily...

CONTEXT: I'm a 32 year old male, ex is 34 year old female

I have been reading the posts that have been made over the past year or so when my BPD partner at the time told me she has BPD (she split on me and I ended the relationship [first break up] after 2 months because at the time I would never allow someone to belittle me and gaslight me who says that they love me... it felt so wrong)... we talked about it and got back together and we decided that we were going to work on this as a team because we cared and love each other to much to let go of something that was so perfect, we were "soulmates". Anyways, I have found so much support and understanding which has made me feel so seen and heard... between this website and YouTube and anything on the internet that would remind me that what happened was real and how I feel matters... It's been over a month since the last time my BPDex and I talked on the phone, where I told her how she treated me wasn't okay and it's wasn't fair that she would through draggers into my heart and not want to listen to how that makes me feel, how the lack of accountability on her end and making me believe that I was the problem in the relationship, and that it was toxic because of me... She told me that I am crazy and that I needed to get help, while I was crying and telling her how much pain I have been in since she chose someone else "new supply" over me(she was seeing someone and then she mentioned something about a different type of relationship, I am assuming she is talking about poly), when she promised me that we where going to do this together and be a team. I said that I still love her and she told me that she didn't love me and she never loved any versions of me... I asked her what she meant by that and she told me that she was going to bed, and hung up... I blocked her and cried on the floor....  She became everything to me, and I slowly over time gave her more and more of myself to make her happy, until I was so compliant and was so perfect (I barely spoke, just listened to her). There is so much that I could talk about and I have talked about to other people to find support, and I have found a support system and over time it has been helping me, and I'm feeling better as more time goes on.

I unblocked her a week later, and she unblocked me a few days before the 13th of Dec when she said she was leaving for home for a few months...

I still care about her and I still love her... I know I should want to block her and delete her from my life (I'm moving away for a while to get away from everything and gain a new perspective), but I just can't forget about the magic and amazing times we had together. We are still very similar despite the mirroring, with similar childhoods and how people treat us.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned, and I know that I will be okay and I will meet someone else and this time never give away my self completely to someone... gotta save the last bit of yourself for you and that is the most important part.

I don't know what I am asking in this post, I guess I just really appreciate this community <3.

Thank you

[kells76]

Hey Jas03, glad you found us ; it's always a good moment when someone feels ready to move from reading to posting.

Having a place to process what happened is important. Sometimes, getting our thoughts and feelings "on paper" can help us get some more perspective on the relationship and where we are in our journey.

No pressure on you to have any questions or do anything particular right now. Take your time, settle in, keep reading, and we'll be here. In fact, if you want, you can check out our lesson series on detaching from a relationship -- it might be interesting to see where you're at in the grieving/healing process.

-kells76