New here , had a break up today New Years Eve, surprised and eggreiged by parter

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,
  After a year and a half of  a relationship that started off very nice but metamorphisized into an abomination with blaming, guilting and disrespect and game playing and my parnter broke up with me every three weeks to a month and then would apologize profusely and say she would keep trying to hang in and work on things,  I truly broke up with HER today when she told me she purposely decided to move several hours away to her Mom;s house who she recognized as having caused her the "Dead Mother Syndrome" ,but yet now she is looking at it as a positive thing, though she gets triggered everytime she visits her and comes back a different personality and becomes combative and verbally abusive to me.
  After todays disclosure of that incident and many others where she blames me for many things that caused her to  fall out of love with me, I realize just how messed up she is and what a fool I have been all along, just jumping back in the minute she apologized.  I know I have my own co- dependency on her and want to remedy that and stay strong but not sure that I always can though I figure with the move she will make in two months and me not talking to her, there will be little possibility for that to happen. But  I do want some suggestions in case she does go the route of trying to rope me back in because i left her place today in tremendous greif and left alot of my stuff behind so I will have to  retrieve it somewhere down the line.
  One of the challenges I have will be navigating things in my women's community where gossip is the main source of energy and I am concerned she will create rumors and/or people seeing me alone will start trying to get answers.  I will be going to a community event next Sunday.
  Any comments and advice will be greatly appreciated.

[Open Wound]

Hi,
  After a year and a half of  a relationship that started off very nice but metamorphisized into an abomination with blaming, guilting and disrespect and game playing and my parnter broke up with me every three weeks to a month and then would apologize profusely and say she would keep trying to hang in and work on things,  I truly broke up with HER today when she told me she purposely decided to move several hours away to her Mom;s house who she recognized as having caused her the "Dead Mother Syndrome" ,but yet now she is looking at it as a positive thing, though she gets triggered everytime she visits her and comes back a different personality and becomes combative and verbally abusive to me.
  After todays disclosure of that incident and many others where she blames me for many things that caused her to  fall out of love with me, I realize just how messed up she is and what a fool I have been all along, just jumping back in the minute she apologized.  I know I have my own co- dependency on her and want to remedy that and stay strong but not sure that I always can though I figure with the move she will make in two months and me not talking to her, there will be little possibility for that to happen. But  I do want some suggestions in case she does go the route of trying to rope me back in because i left her place today in tremendous greif and left alot of my stuff behind so I will have to  retrieve it somewhere down the line.
  One of the challenges I have will be navigating things in my women's community where gossip is the main source of energy and I am concerned she will create rumors and/or people seeing me alone will start trying to get answers.  I will be going to a community event next Sunday.
  Any comments and advice will be greatly appreciated.

[once removed]

hi Open Wound, and

it sounds like things kind of came to a frustrating head.

its been a few days since you broke up with her, has anything happened since?

[SinisterComplex]

Hi,
  After a year and a half of  a relationship that started off very nice but metamorphisized into an abomination with blaming, guilting and disrespect and game playing and my parnter broke up with me every three weeks to a month and then would apologize profusely and say she would keep trying to hang in and work on things,  I truly broke up with HER today when she told me she purposely decided to move several hours away to her Mom;s house who she recognized as having caused her the "Dead Mother Syndrome" ,but yet now she is looking at it as a positive thing, though she gets triggered everytime she visits her and comes back a different personality and becomes combative and verbally abusive to me.
  After todays disclosure of that incident and many others where she blames me for many things that caused her to  fall out of love with me, I realize just how messed up she is and what a fool I have been all along, just jumping back in the minute she apologized.  I know I have my own co- dependency on her and want to remedy that and stay strong but not sure that I always can though I figure with the move she will make in two months and me not talking to her, there will be little possibility for that to happen. But  I do want some suggestions in case she does go the route of trying to rope me back in because i left her place today in tremendous greif and left alot of my stuff behind so I will have to  retrieve it somewhere down the line.
  One of the challenges I have will be navigating things in my women's community where gossip is the main source of energy and I am concerned she will create rumors and/or people seeing me alone will start trying to get answers.  I will be going to a community event next Sunday.
  Any comments and advice will be greatly appreciated.

First my friend...welcome to the fam.  Secondly, please continue to engage the community and ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you want to. There will be no judgment here.

Why do you feel you are fool? Explain that to me.

Do you want to go back and work on things or do you want to be done? How do you want to proceed?

It is still fresh so take some time to think about that.

I'll keep it brief for now, but know that I am paying attention and will be checking in on you.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Open Wound]

Hi,
  Thank you for asking about me.
   I had left my partners' house in the afternoon on New Years Eve after a very emotional argument we had in the morning that was a continuation of the discussion we were having the night before. I know she was upset and weird to me because she had just come back from the Christmas gathering she had at her parents house and while she was there seemed unusually cheery on the phone and asked me to hang out with her when she got back which was Weds after Christmas. It was unusual for her to be in that headspace because she usually came back somewhat catatonic and detached after she saw her mother, who has been denying her reality most of her life.

We couldn't meet on Weds because we both were working many hours and both tired even though  my gut said "go" because I  knew how rapidly her moods changed and I always try to see her when she is in that mood because if I waited more than three days to see her she would start to dismiss me. But because I didn't jump and  get to her house, by Thursday she was clearly a wreck and very detached from me and instantly started being critical and blaming me for all of her woes.  We still tried to be close and watch a movie together but at the end of it instead of maybe hanging out in the bedroom and sleep she gave me a nice kiss, seeing that i was still moved by her, then she quickly shut that down and went to sleep. I felt a little dejected but felt it would change if when I went to sleep in the other room with her later.  But that night I couldn't sleep, watched a movie and finally came to bed and drifted off by morning near her.

In the morning I had a very strange dream. In real life I was hugging her as we slept, then I must have shifted to dream mode and had a dream where we were getting intimate but just as things were going nicely a young woman came into the room with three kids in tow. They all sat down on the bed, two of the kids basically sitting on top of my partner. I looked at them and said "Wow, three kids?" The woman turned away but the oldest child, a young boy with coal black eyes continued to look into my eyes and stare, like "how dare you say this to us" and continued to stare until I looked away. Minutes later I woke up and realized it was a dream, though it felt so real. I told my partner about the dream. As I was explaining it , I realized that maybe these four people were part of her at various stages, that's why they were melding to her in the bed. I shocked her by saying this and shocked myself with this realization. I do have a lot of prophetic dreams and visions at times, my mother and grandmother had these ways about them too. After I said that she started freaking out, saying "where is the closest mental hospital?"  I thought she was joking or being dramatic, but I mentioned a few facilites within 20 miles. But I said, You dont need to go to one of those, you're okay. Just take a walk outside". So she did and when she came back she was less ruffled and I continued to soothe her and again for the fiftieth time asked if she would consider going to see a therapist, not her fancy guru one  who said she has no mental health problems, but a real one with credentials.  

By then she was livid and kept saying she cant do this anymore. I said, "do what?", she said "stay in this relationship". The see-sawing had been so bad lately that the definition of"being together"was so askew ed that i didn't know she had taken me back from the last breakup! She had particularly angry retorts about my financial state even though I never asked her to help me with any money but only asked to work for her as she had had a business and she recently sold it. A lot of circumstantial things had happened for her recently. She sold a business she had of eight years, she decided to move out of her very reasonable apartment and she was going to move to her mothers' place 100 miles away, plus deal with training the new business owners and deal with the holidays. I knew it was too much and it was going to really mess her up. I was there through the whole thing and helped her move for 3 weeks and worked so hard that it put me in a bad state of health physically and emotionally and then she had the nerve to say I only helped her two days!  I cant believe she only remembered two days of it, maybe she was disassociated most of the time but it was a real insult.. It was such a long stretch that I couldn't get to do things at my house and my living situation was getting harder to stay on top of when I never went home to be with her all the time.

She had paid me for some of the work but the amount she gave was in no way fair for the amount of work, stress and time I gave her. So those topics were coming up in our argument and I was feeling more and more used, dismissed, forgotten through the whole thing.  She even disclosed to me that she didn't really want to be in the relationship anymore about six months back but said I asked her to continue when we were out a a dance. I may have hinted but I did not plead like she eluded to. A couple of weeks ago  into the move I asked her what are her plans for us seeing each other when she moves to her moms. Instead of giving me an answer she just had a rage attack and said she didn't want to go there. All I wanted to know was what were her plans for our relationship. I think now that she didn't want to go there because she wanted me to keep helping her move out!. And during this discussion we had on New Years Eve she said she made a split second decision to move to her moms house a hundred miles away so she could end the relationship!

I was so hurt by this I couldn't even talk to her after that. I just took a shower, dressed up and left. That was the last time I talked to her.We had planned to do a few New Years Eve things, go into town and watch bands and events and maybe take in a dance and when I had asked her about those plans before we got into more of the discussion she just said she doesn't want to do them now.

I took off and didn't say a word to her, I could tell she at least wanted to say goodbye but I couldn't even look at her. As I was closing the screen door she came toward me and I said, "Look there is a plant down there, it needs water, its a living breathing thing". Then I closed the door and left.

There was a time this summer I felt as used/betrayed/discarded as I was feeling this time and didn't talk to her for five days.  She never tried to call or get ahold of me but came to my house and dropped off all my things in the driveway.  When I questioned her about not trying to communicate she said I thought we were done. I said "Maybe I needed you to show me you cared in any way, even to just communicate" Her excuse was that she thought I needed my space.

Once again, she hasn't attempted to get a hold of me in any way, probably a pride thing, or its me expecting her to show me that she cared in some way. I am just in shock again. Its like the person she is that is loving and giving is only there tentatively, then when things are going on, she disappears and i don't see her for awhile and when I do its magnificent and I feel good again. I feel there are really two personalities or maybe even three different people there in her head. She even looks different when she is emulating a different persona.

I really wish it could go back to what we had at one time but it seems to have become so difficult to get beyond the last crisis to even have connection and get close again. And we used to go out to these dances and have a really good time, they seemed to be the cement that binds it all. But we haven't gone for over three months and she has cancelled out on two of them and I mentioned I think she is doing that so we wont remember the fun stuff that we do to cement the relationship and all its been is work, hard work.Its agony and I don't really know what to do.She seems to be on track to leave me behind and forget i even existed. Now that she switched up her life to be far away from me.

[SinisterComplex]

So I will ask that you take some time before answering this question...what do you really want to do? Do you really want to go back? Or do you want to work on yourself and move forward and become the best version of YOU?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Open Wound]

Hi SC,
  Thanks again for asking and responding.
  If it was at all possible to start seeing her again but with a lot of new parameters, like her working on her BPD and depression maybe couples therapy, though we tried it once and the therapist i had from years ago said there is nothing here to build on because my partner didn't want to be in the relationship with me.  But despite that attempt, I think we did get through alot of material and feelings because we have done that many times over by just processing things ourselves. And there have been so many back and forth vacillations on her part when she apologized for her dismissiveness and hurtful behavior , saying she  would like to hang in there.  I know I also need my own therapist but its gotten so hard to find one on my insurance and the waiting lists are months or years long. But its also possible that when she turned this corner forcefully around Christmas and made all these plans to move away from me, 1 and 3/4 hours drive, its not that far,  but I have an old car, and farm animals to take care of, that maybe there was no going back.
  I think she wants to just escape from this area because she had some sturdy bridges but she burned some too, from people she thought were her friends. She would say she has nothing left here. And I would say, well you have me, but she said it with so little feeling and genuineness that i realized she didnt value me maybe much at all even though I went through so much life calamity with her, the ups and downs, the good and bad times, there were a lot of depressed times with her. She sold her business of eight years and came out with 25 grand, not a lot, but now her uncle was buying out her mother's property and my partner had one third of an equal share in that so in a matter of weeks she could be looking at like $400,000 or more. She showed anxiety over how she would invest it because of the gyrations on the financial front, I suggested she buy a house somewhere so she wouldn't have to rely on staying at her mothers house.
  I think she feels that i am not her equal in regards to financial status and now the division will be more pronounced.
  I raised four kids mostly on my own, had two small businesses over the years, then went to take care of my mom and Dad in the next state for about eight years till they passed on. But during that time I lost a good job, didn't receive an inheritance because of another family member manipulating the system to grab the house and I found myself in pretty challenging circumstances. But I managed to buy a mobile home on its own lot with cash. I drive an older car, but no payments except for taxes. I dont work that many hours and my retirement will be very slim. I planned to be debt free by this age and I pulled it off but I cant have all the showy things, cant take vacations, I live frugally.
  When I met this woman L,  I was feeling good and happy with my life though by some people's standards they would judge me on my simple frugal lifestyle.  L wanted to take me places and buy me things, was quite generous and I couldn't reciprocate because my budget wouldn't allow it, actually my work situation had been very precarious since Covid so O spent more time on the homestead projects since that was a good invertment of my time for living more sustainably, but we lived like that the last 1 and a half years. She said the last 6 months was when she realized how financially challenged I was and my lifestyle didn't jive with hers.  I was a homesteader and did all my small scale farming and permaculture because THAT was my retirement plan. I think she started to look down on what I was doing and because I spent every weekend at her place, on the phone one or two hours a night and all day texting in between working I have not been able to take care of my property like I used to and it shows and because of that she was angry, critical , and judgmental toward me.
  At one time she wanted to be involved with some of the projects  I was doing and I could have taught her great skills. but she only tried something once,didn't like it.  Now she says my life is very hard and she doesn't want to work as hard as I do  She thought I liked living on the edge but I said if different financial things presented themselves I would be game and
 would have been willing to give up part of my projects to be with her but she wanted the full monty and then over time probably realized I was not the right person anyway. And maybe she was even embarrassed to be with me or know me. she hated my old clunker. I told her this is where I am right now, but things can change and things have changed before. I think she just wants to redo her life with her newfound inheritance and doesnt think I am worthy of her new fortunes now.