I need help

[Uggbug]

So really long story short, my bf and I opened our relationship up to have a fwb (who has bpd)come into after noticing that feelings had changed. We agreed that things wouldn’t change and that this would be a perfect way for all needs to be met… mine are not. It’s been a short time “trailing” this but before and pretty much solid for the last 2 weeks he’s been splitting on me constantly and it’s caused a massive rift between me and them. They are more solid than ever but I’m the outsider that doesn’t get needs met because “I’m the problem” the more I try the more it seems to leave me hurt. I really want this to work but this is my first severe encounter with bpd directly.

There has to be a way that this can be resolved… he’s mentioned that a split this long could be permanent, I understand how hard it must be but when you get told everyday to leave, you’re not wanted, your dead to them, plans are made with full intention of myself being left out because I’m the dick. How am I not supposed to be emotional and struggle to not rise to it, there is literally nothing I can do that’s right.

When I give my full effort he doesn’t want it then it’ll be brought up later that I didn’t try but he didn’t want involved or to know about anything that the issue is about so how am I meant to fix a problem that I wasn’t wanted to be apart of?

Is this just something I can’t cope with forever? Do I lose both people I care most about because I don’t have a magic wand to fix everything… this is such a long shot that anyone would even reply, I just want to feel less alone and like me disappearing is the best solution. It’s really starting to affect my mental health as he agrees with everything I feel about myself so there’s no support to help me not want to leave or to want to get any help for myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

So really long story short, my bf and I opened our relationship up to have a fwb (who has bpd)come into after noticing that feelings had changed. We agreed that things wouldn’t change and that this would be a perfect way for all needs to be met… mine are not. It’s been a short time “trailing” this but before and pretty much solid for the last 2 weeks he’s been splitting on me constantly and it’s caused a massive rift between me and them. They are more solid than ever but I’m the outsider that doesn’t get needs met because “I’m the problem” the more I try the more it seems to leave me hurt. I really want this to work but this is my first severe encounter with bpd directly.

There has to be a way that this can be resolved… he’s mentioned that a split this long could be permanent, I understand how hard it must be but when you get told everyday to leave, you’re not wanted, your dead to them, plans are made with full intention of myself being left out because I’m the dick. How am I not supposed to be emotional and struggle to not rise to it, there is literally nothing I can do that’s right.

When I give my full effort he doesn’t want it then it’ll be brought up later that I didn’t try but he didn’t want involved or to know about anything that the issue is about so how am I meant to fix a problem that I wasn’t wanted to be apart of?

Is this just something I can’t cope with forever? Do I lose both people I care most about because I don’t have a magic wand to fix everything… this is such a long shot that anyone would even reply, I just want to feel less alone and like me disappearing is the best solution. It’s really starting to affect my mental health as he agrees with everything I feel about myself so there’s no support to help me not want to leave or to want to get any help for myself.

Hi Uggbug.  This is a tough topic because while we come from all walks of life, most here believe that a relationship is between two people.  That's hard enough to make work, but once you bring in an outside influence with lust and temptation, it's very hard to still focus on love and growing together.  While the temporary pleasure may be great, it's a long term recipe for disaster.

My advice would be simple- if your boyfriend is not enough to fulfill you in whatever way (spiritually, emotionally, sexually, etc), then he's probably not the one for you.  Work on strengthening that relationship without the 3rd party involved.  The same goes for your boyfriend; if he doesn't prioritize you and doesn't want to make efforts to change that, then it may not be the right relationship.

Think about it- you're saying that a 3rd person is wrecking your relationship.  The answer is so simple here what needs to be done.

[Notwendy]

Uggbug- although relationships can be defined in many ways- monogamous, poly, gay, straight, --- BPD is a disorder that affects the most intimate relationships the most- and so disorder can occurr in any relationship.

I have no experience with poly- I know I couldn't manage it- so I don't choose it. That is a boundary for me. Boundaries are about our own values, decisions and what we can manage.

However, I do know about triangles and a model for dysfunction is the Karpman triangle. PW BPD tend to see themselves as victims and put other people in either persecutor or rescuer position. BPD also involves emotional immaturity. You can see school age kids interact on a triangle and it's not mature or kind. Often two of them align and become "best friends" and leave the third one out. So by brining in someone with BPD as a third, you unknowingly probably introduced this drama into your relationship.

But back to why I know I couldn't handle polyamory. It's because I would feel jealous and don't want to share the person I am married to, and he doesn't want to share me. This is an agreement between the two of us. If one of us wanted to be poly and the other one not, this could be an unreconcilable difference. No two people are exactly alike but for a relationship to be compatible, they need to have some basic agreements aligned.

Personally, I think to handle sharing a romantic partner, one would have to be able to manage difficult emotions such as jealousy. PwBPD have difficulty handling uncomfortable emotions. They have difficulty in all kinds of relationships.

You had no idea what would happen when you brought in this third person-  but now you can see the situation. Your BF also has a choice. If he wants to continue with this other person, that can be his choice, but you have a choice too and need to take care of yourself. You have learned this situation isn't in your best interest and it's affecting you emotionally. You can't change your BF or the other person but you can make choices. If after talking to your BF, he doesn't want to change or stop seeing this person- maybe he isn't caring about you the way you wish he would. Something to think about. Decide what you need and want in a relationship and then go from there.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Uggbug and welcome,

Wow, there's a lot to unpack here! Could you please share some more details to help us give better advice? Knowing the following could help:

- How long have you and your BF been together?
- Do you live together?
- Whose idea was it to bring in the third person?
- Whose needs were not being met and what were those needs?
- What had changed in the relationship that prompted this big development?
- What was the relationship like before the third person was brought in?
- How do you know that the FWB is a pwBPD? Are they diagnosed? If so, are they in therapy?
- Who is splitting on whom? Over what? How is it manifesting?
- What have you tried to communicate to your BF and FWB about your feelings? How has it been received?
- What are YOUR goals? What do YOU want/need to happen to better this relationship in a perfect world?

It is NOT a long shot that we will reply! The people on here have been through hell and back and truly want to pay forward the help that they have received from others in this forum. You have definitely come to the right place. In my experience, however, it is easier for folks to give more specific advice when they have more details and know exactly what the issues are/what your goals are/what you want to change to make your relationship better. I have gone into lengthy rants and have at times even felt like I was perhaps oversharing, but people have always received my posts with patience and generosity and have taken the time to read and reply. Please feel free to tell us as much as you want to. Rant if you have to. Get it off your chest. This is a safe space and we are ready and willing to listen to anything you want to share. Let us know how we can help.

HurtAndTired