Help!

[Martin2024]

I love my sister. She has serious BPD. I have lost all of my friends, broken up love relationships, and lost so much because of her. I feel a great responsibility to help her and stay close to her. My mental health is often compromised. I am joining this group, after many years of this, for help. She often destroys my self worth. I am trying so very hard to help her. She fights with everyone and I’m worried about her job.
Worried…

[Pook075]

I love my sister. She has serious BPD. I have lost all of my friends, broken up love relationships, and lost so much because of her. I feel a great responsibility to help her and stay close to her. My mental health is often compromised. I am joining this group, after many years of this, for help. She often destroys my self worth. I am trying so very hard to help her. She fights with everyone and I’m worried about her job.
Worried…

Hi Martin and welcome!  So glad you shared a little bit of your story and I'm sorry you're going through this.

A few quick questions- how old are you and your sister?  Do you guys live together?

For now, I'll just say that your initial introduction makes you sound like a victim- you lost friends, relationships, and more because of your sister...even your mental health and self worth.  But if we're being perfectly honest here, that's not really true.  You made choices in each of those scenarios to prioritize your sister when she was behaving badly.  And by doing that, it enabled her to lash out even further with more demands and more drama, all while you were swept up in the chaos.

Martin, please hear me here...the problem here is not your sister.  If she chooses to live in chaos, so be it.  But you get to choose as well and at any time, you can reject that behavior, that lifestyle of living with constant stress and worry. 

I know because I nearly died of a heart attack at 42 over the same situation with my BPD daughter.  All day, every day, it was terror and fear over what ridiculous thing she would do next.  I finally met a therapist for my kid that said I was so stupid because I think my kid's problems were my problems...they're not.  But I lived every day of my life like they were and it consumed me to the point of almost dying in my sleep from the stress I carried.

Martin, you can love your sister while also choosing not to be in the center of the hurricane with her.  I'm very glad you're here since so many of us have been through the same situation.  But right now, this is not about your sister...it's about you and your mental health.  Please tell us a little more of your story so we can give you specific advice that applies to your life today.

[Martin2024]

Dear Pook 075,

Thank you so much! I have never received a message like that in my life and you have helped me so much! Sadly, I’m already 52 years old and my sister is 46. I have never married because I have chosen to help her over even committing to a living relationship for myself. I can’t believe that I’m only waking up now. I have lost so much of my life… After reading your message, I realized that I have to start living for myself. I never know what she’s going to do next, and I’m constantly bailing her out of situations. It’s exhausting, frightening as emotionally draining.
I have had at least 2 mini strokes, heart issues and stress-induced health problems. I am going to start to live for myself. I just don’t know how yet.

[Martin2024]

I am struggling to focus in a very demanding job every day. Often, I am side tracked because I am so worried about my sister— what she’s going to do, how she’s going to sabotage her job, how she might lose her place, how she might even take her life and it will be too late for me to call 911. I am in a constant state of worry. I have lost all of my friends, because when I am/was with them, she would call in the middle of my time with them, demanding my attention. She’s gone to great, great lengths to sabotage all of my closest friendships. Somehow, I always end up forgiving her. I can’t go on like this as I have lost so many wonderful, outstanding friendships. She even wrote a letter to one of my friend’s employer, to sabotage our friendship. The ways that she has tried to isolate me are endless.
I need to try to find myself again.

[Mommydoc]

Welcome Martin.  I am so glad you came here to seek support.  It is such a huge first step to post and share your story. Congratulations.   Many of us have been on your journey, so know that you are not alone.  You deserve and recognize the need to focus on your health and happiness.

Pook gave really great feedback.  It would be helpful to get more details and specifics.   Does your sister live near you or with you.  Does she have a job.  Are your parents around or other siblings.   Are there others who can play a role.  Do you have a specific relationship goal you want to focus on to “reclaim” your health  and happiness.   What would ideal look like to you. ( that may not be possible, but sometimes letting go of unrealistic hopes is needed).

You made choices in each of those scenarios to prioritize your sister when she was behaving badly.  And by doing that, it enabled her to lash out even further with more demands and more drama, all while you were swept up in the chaos. Martin, please hear me here...the problem here is not your sister.  If she chooses to live in chaos, so be it.  But you get to choose as well and at any time, you can reject that behavior, that lifestyle of living with constant stress and worry.

I have a sister with uBPD and got very similar feedback when I began to post. I was about your age when I joined this forum.  My sister is 4 years younger.   I also had a very demanding job at that time. For 50 years, I  naively thought that what my parents kept telling me was true, “support her, validate her, help her, she needs our help, she isn’t as fortunate as you.”  Like you, I deeply love my sister, and I had a ridiculous sense of responsibility and obligation, to make things OK for her. It never worked, and the harder I tried the more hurtful her behaviors were to me.   My parents were well intentioned, but wrong, and it was not until, I joined this forum, and began work with a therapist, that I that recognized I was choosing that role. And that had to change.  Each of my parents before they passed finally validated that I was NOT responsible for her happiness, but rather my own.  That was very empowering, but the childhood patterns of placating and taking care of my sister were difficult for me to sometimes see.  I was a pro at “JADE”ing ( Justify, Defend, Explain).   ( I didn’t really argue, which is the A).  Unlearning that was very challenging, but it has really helped me a lot.  It did not change my sister or her behavior, but it really helped me.  

You can’t save her job, you can’t make her happy, you can’t help her, only she can.  And until she makes that choice, you can only help yourself.  You are allowing her into your life, and how you are responding is prioritizing her needs, her crisis, at your own expense.   You can continue to love her, as I do my sister, but love may mean stepping back, distancing yourself emotionally, and reclaiming your self esteem, self worth by surrounding yourself with people and relationships that are positive.    She will likely react, gaslight you, and it may get worse before it gets better.   Only you can decide what level of connection you want to have with her.   If you live with her, it will be harder, but you have choices there as well. Setting and maintaining boundaries is also critical.   Many of us on this board worry so much more about other peoples feelings, and sometimes lack self awareness about our own feelings.  I hope in your next post you can share a little more about your feelings with a focus on you, and what you need and less about what she needs.   What boundaries are you ready to put in place in 2024?

[Pook075]

I am struggling to focus in a very demanding job every day. Often, I am side tracked because I am so worried about my sister— what she’s going to do, how she’s going to sabotage her job, how she might lose her place, how she might even take her life and it will be too late for me to call 911. I am in a constant state of worry. I have lost all of my friends, because when I am/was with them, she would call in the middle of my time with them, demanding my attention. She’s gone to great, great lengths to sabotage all of my closest friendships. Somehow, I always end up forgiving her. I can’t go on like this as I have lost so many wonderful, outstanding friendships. She even wrote a letter to one of my friend’s employer, to sabotage our friendship. The ways that she has tried to isolate me are endless.
I need to try to find myself again.

I spent at least a decade of my life living like that and it almost killed me.  I can remember laying awake in bed into the wee hours of the morning, and even when I did fall asleep, my mind would be working through problems at home with my BPD kid.  If I woke up for any reason, game over...I was up for the day.  And I was running a successful business, working 50-60+ hours a week, always worried about others instead of myself.

Again, it's the perfect storm to an early death.

Today, I fall asleep within 5 minutes of closing my eyes and I wake up feeling optimistic about the day.  My BPD kid is still creating chaos, still making terrible decisions, but I'll tell her that she's messing up and then I get out of her way.  Life will teach her the lessons that I can't and I am 100% okay with that now, because I have to live for myself and what makes me whole.  I no longer worry about her decisions or try to heavily influence them, that's on her.

BPD is a mental illness that is highly treatable with therapy and medication.  But the thing is, your sister has to choose to better herself and there's nothing you or anyone else can do in order to make her get better.  She will choose to take therapy seriously or she won't.  For my kid, therapy was about blaming the world for her problems for over a decade before she finally realized that she might be a part of the problem as well.

As I said earlier, you get to make a choice as well.  Your sister is sick and she's not going to get better unless she wants to.  That's a choice.  So you need to make a choice as well, whether you want to enable her to make bad decisions without facing consequences or to hold her responsible for herself.  Because here's the thing- her problems just aren't your problems unless you consciously choose that path.  It's your choice to live your life or be a victim in hers.

Martin, there's resources along the top of this site to help you learn better communication tactics with your sister and how to deal with her more toxic outbursts.  You'll learn about creating healthy boundaries as well, which are ways to hold her more accountable for her words and actions. 

Once you do that, things will get worse because your sister is so used to walking all over you.  She will rant and threaten and do all sorts of unsavory things to try to get you to fall back in line with how things have always been.  But eventually, she'll realize that you're not being a victim anymore and she's going to have to treat you a certain way to have a relationship with you.

Now, you might say, "She can't handle that...she'll crash on her own...or threaten suicide."  Those are good things, because it's holding her responsible for her life.  If she can't handle things, she'll be more likely to make changes and/or take therapy seriously.  That's what we want to see because it takes you out of the equation, you can stop being the hero or the victim in all of this.

I hope that helps!

[TelHill]

Hello Martin, 

Welcome to the group.   

I'm really sorry about your situation with your sister and the upheaval it's caused you.

I'm the daughter of an elderly mom with BPD. She was diagnosed a few years ago but has exhibited the symptoms ever since I can remember.  She's aggressive physically and emotionally. My dad kept her from hurting others outside the family (& being arrested) by not allowing her to drive or take a job.  I wasn't allowed by my mom to have friends or hobbies as a child. She severely punished me when I tried to disobey. I haven't lived with my family full time since I was 18. After that my mom harassed me and stalked me on the phone when I tried to go no contact in college and before I married. After that I generally tried to stay away from her except for a short stint as her caregiver. That didn't work out so am back to short visits a few times a month.

It's hard to know where to start reclaiming your life because it is overwhelming. So, I have to start where I am with small steps.

I can't change the past. I can't change my bpd mom. Nothing I do will erase her disorder. That's her responsibility since therapy exists (DBT and CBT) to help her help herself.  It's like the play 'Waiting For Godot' by Samuel Beckett if I wait until my mom gets better so I can then have a normal life. .

Self care is very important. Being gentle and kind to myself really helps. Exercising, eating well and 7-8 hours of sleep help keep my health in good shape. Excessive stress and worry is something I deal with since it's a challenge to believe the scary home I grew up in isn't replicated at the store or in a workplace.

Keeping the details of your private life private is one suggestion. Shutoff the info pipeline. What your sister doesn't know can't hurt you.

The other is to get local support. We have the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) in the US. My county's NAMI has monthly support group meetings and a three month course about how to best interact with a mentally ill family member.  I attend a 12 step group called Codependents Anonymous (CODA) which helps members get out of self-destructive behaviors due to past or present difficult  relationships. I find this group particularly helpful. These groups may not be helpful to you but I thought I'd mention them.