New job opportunity

[thankful person]

I have struggled to find work that fits around my two days teaching piano at a school and after school teaching every day.

I have applied for a job helping children and youths who are “chronically disengaged from education”, they may have autism, learning difficulties, mental health difficulties, anxiety, depression, bullying etc. Some of the kids are in care with a history of abuse etc.

It is my dream job, a freelance type thing where you get awarded clients and devise interventions for them. The company seem keen to take me on but I’m yet to interview.

The problem is my dbpdw. She has suffered from most of the problems these kids might have. I saw this job a long time ago but didn’t apply because there’s been so much pressure from my wife to miss work etc this past year. She is jealous of my work as it is, but more so if I’m working one-to-one and potentially it might involve activities such as walking on the beach, creative activities, baking etc. of which she would be jealous of them spending “quality time” with me that she feels she doesn’t get.

I feel like my goal here is to get on with my life and not let her stop me doing what I want to do… along with handling her reactions to my choices. Any thoughts and support please? Thank you so much.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HurtAndTired]

Congrats on the job offer! I know that work/life balance has been a mighty struggle with you and your wife. I also know that there has been recent pressure on you to upend your life and completely rearrange it to make an unrealistic move that would be financially untenable for your family. This seems almost too good to be true. You get to continue doing the job you love doing (teaching piano). You don't have to move and get to stay in the house you love living in. The hours sound like they would be flexible to give you wiggle room to help with sick kids or any other type of pressure relief your wife might need. Will she be jealous and try to sabotage this for you? Absolutely! Should her jealousy stop you? Absolutely not!

I know that you know all about reasonable boundaries and are an old pro at this. I also know that you have a difficult time enforcing those boundaries sometimes (we all do). I am thinking back to the recent boundary that you enforced with her stopping the constant phone calls. I seem to remember that you went back and forth with Kels and Salty Dog on that one and in the end, you stood up and enforced the boundary and felt so much better for it.

I think you know that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that you cannot pass up. It will give your family financial stability that will take some stress off of both you and your wife. Plus it will be a way for you to "fill up your own cup" emotionally with self-care (my job teaching at the local high school does it for me) so that you have enough left over to share with your dBPDw when you get home. Know that your cheering section (all of us) is cheering for you and that your dBPDw might not be happy about it but will just have to get used to it.

Sometimes I already have the answer that I am looking for and I just need to hear someone else agree with me to remind me that I'm not crazy or being unrealistic (years of gaslighting can make you doubt yourself and your instincts). I think this is that type of situation for you. You know this is right for you and your family, you are just checking to make sure you can trust your instincts. I am sending you all of the virtual encouragement and positive energy that I can via the interwebs! Be the leader in your marriage that your wife and children need you to be. Remember that she is mentally ill and cannot make these big decisions. She may grumble and complain at the time, but you are the glue holding your family together and keeping everything functional. Don't let your fear of her being upset stop you from making life better for all of you with this amazing new job!

Good luck and congrats again!

HurtAndTired

[thankful person]

Hurt and tired,

Thank you so so much for your wonderful encouraging reply! You are right, I was doubting whether it was a good idea, to the point that I wondered whether people on here would say, “it’s not worth it upsetting her that much” or some other ridiculous reason. You’re also right about the boundary enforcing, every time I do something new like this, it makes me feel stronger despite all the chaos she creates that surrounds such a choice.

Thanks for paying attention to my story. W still speaks of moving but is now saying she’s undecided. She apparently still wants to put the house on the market but literally can’t afford to. I’m hoping once D4 gets settled in school and her new dance classes then w won’t want to move her. I forgot to even mention that we are very much in need of more money and the pay is quite good with this job too. I still have to officially pass the interview and prep assignment but they seem very keen, the woman who rang even said it’s a shame I’m not available full time. It certainly feels like a calling to me, there are kids out there who could use my help and hopefully I get to be there for them.

[CravingPeace]

"I feel like my goal here is to get on with my life and not let her stop me doing what I want to do… along with handling her reactions to my choices. Any thoughts and support please? Thank you so much."

Firstly I think it is great the job you are going for, I could only wish to create that much impact with my job! So yes do it.

I didn't press the right quote button but copied and pasted above. I whole heartedly agree get on with your life and do what makes you feel happy.  I have recently started saying no for example. I am only doing things I feel are fair, or that won't make me resentful after. I was really worried about saying no, or making my own choices. But I have realised that is part of my caretaker dellusions. Now when I do things for my wife (which I do) I only do it when i feel I want to, and if I do an act of kindness it is becausr I want to not due to fear, obligation or guilt.
 I accept for the first time that might drive my wife crazy that I am not doing everything she asks, or I am "selfish" as I dont do everything she wants. But I am not selfish. It is liberating and I feel alot freer. Same to you. If this job is really important to you, you should do it. If she loves you she will support you. If she doesn't she doesn't. I have accepted if my wife decides if she no longer wants to be with me as I dont do as I am told, or I have my own opinions, or I do things for myself. So be it.
I want to live my life authentically doing what I think is important and caring for my kids as I always have, and being happy.

Go for the job!

[SaltyDawg]

TP,

   I am with the others on this. Go for the job, your wife is who she is, and she will complain no matter what you are doing, especially if your wife has already limited you in the past.  I am going to point you to a dialog that both H&T and I had on a different thread where the balance of power was shifted away from our respective borderline spouses at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357377.msg13206521#msg13206521 by not caving into our respective spouses illogical / irrational demands and threats.

   Perhaps, explain to your wife, since she loves take-a-way, she can do more of it and any other benefits you can think of - sell it to your wife as a win/win.  She will also have more time with the children, another win for her.

   Also, speaking from experience in a volunteer position I have, the skills that you have developed with handling your wife and children will be quite complimentary / helpful / useful in this new job opportunity as it has in my volunteer job.

   Take care, with self-care.  Best wishes.

SD

[Notwendy]

That job sounds like it was made for you!

Your wife is going to be upset about anything that gets your attention. Reality is though that you are the financial support of the family no matter how she feels about your job. No job=no money.

So there's a need for a job no matter what. How wonderful that there's a job you actually enjoy! So go for it.

Although I think honesty is the best way to go- I think in this case- yes, be honest about taking that job, but scale back your enthusiasm about the job when in the presence of your wife. These are your feelings- you don't have to share them with anyone. You are allowed to be happy and also choose who to share that happiness with. She doesn't get to spoil that for you.

Your work life isn't some clandestine affair. You aren't hiding anything. It's that if something is important to you, then you need to have a boundary about it to protect your job. It's essential to your family to have a job and essential to your own well being. That you also enjoy it is a plus. If you are married to someone who doesn't recognize boundaries- then you are the one to have to establish them.

[thankful person]

Thank you all for the overwhelming support and encouragement. It’s so nice to know that I’m doing the right thing, even though we all know you shouldn’t need validation from others to make your own choices, so it’s very hard at times. I also haven’t spoken to anyone else about this opportunity yet. Not Wendy I totally scale down my excitement and enthusiasm for anything as far as my wife’s concerned so that was exactly my thoughts. Thanks also SD for the link to the other post. As an aside, there are no rules to what my wife will do when she says something. Most things she says she will do like go on a diet, start a new hobby, study something new, get a job, she doesn’t end up doing and there’s always a reason. Anything crazy like cancelling a holiday or house purchase, the more money lost the better, then the more likely she will do it to make a point and I think it’s especially effective with me because I worry about our finances so much and she knows it. Divorce threats are likely if I start this new job, it will be, you don’t care about me. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens when I insist I’m not quitting it for her. When we first met I worked for an agency with adults with various special needs. She didn’t like me going to lunch with them, playing games, even going to a theme park. So I quit the job for her. Things have changed since then. The dynamics of power has changed

[SaltyDawg]

When we first met I worked for an agency with adults with various special needs. She didn’t like me going to lunch with them, playing games, even going to a theme park. So I quit the job for her. Things have changed since then. The dynamics of power has changed

Since you are anticipating some of her behaviours, such as the divorce threats - how about coming up with a boundary you want to enforce around this.  Perhaps plant the seed, that you hate divorce threats, and they will not be tolerated and you will ask her to leave the home and leave the babies with you (be sure you are okay and willing to this if she calls your bluff).  If you are sure that she will not run, you might want to call her 'bluff' on her divorce threats, and it will tip the balance of power even more in your direction.  She will either follow-through on her threats (unlikely as you are still together, and your 'calling too much boundary' was quickly complied with among other hints), or she will back down, and your life will become more pleasant; however, she will have more anxiety - so you will have to compensate that bu reassuring her that you are not going anywhere as long as her behaviors are okay (which you will define as the same as society's) - it is a bit of an ultimatum on your part; however, it will be her choice alone if you split up or not.

You need your outlet, away from your wife, as you don't want to become isolated by her.  Enjoy other adult company, and a change of scenery.  Do what is best for TP and your children.  Also be mindful of your wife too, provided that she does not impinge on your own emotional needs in this matter.

What do you think?

Do you have any questions on this?  There will likely be a bit of conflict and pushback on this, so brace yourself, like you already are - play it out ahead of time in your head, so you will know how to handle your wife when she becomes dysregulated.

Take care.

SD

[Notwendy]

While feelings may feel like facts to someone with BPD, the idea that going to work means you don't care about your wife makes no sense. Why do we go to work in the first place? To earn money for our needs and for our family. You are the main wage earner. You go to work to support your family.

Imagine if you went along with her? No job, no money for food or your house- how is that being caring?

This idea to me is in the category of accusing you of being a "pink elephant". She can call you that all day long- but that would not make it true. Your part is to not buy into it- you absolutely know that your going to work is a necessity and an act of caring.

[thankful person]

It’s already started. I go back to school the day after tomorrow. Today has been a bad day with my wife’s low and angry mood and I’ve not been able to do anything right and I’ve struggled to not be dragged down. The holidays have gone well, but I realise this is related to my return to work and spending more time with other people.

She is also jealous that all our 3 little ones seem to prefer me and are more loving and affectionate to me despite her breast-feeding and co-sleeping with them. They feel safer with me. Not much I can do about that.

[SaltyDawg]

TP,

All borderlines have this symptom "Desperate efforts to avoid abandonment (actual or imagined)"

Even though wife cannot articulate it, when you go back to work, you are leaving her - it is her fear of abandonment kicking in, it is imagined as you are no longer there for her when in fact you are.  Same with the excessive amount of phone calls.  I am guessing this gets worse for her towards you after you have been off work on holiday spending additional time with her and when you return to work it gets worse.

For a child, I see it in one of mine is a fear to go outside to take care of his chickens when it is dark.  He also seeks his mum or myself to sleep with him at night - not natural at age 12 - we are slowly weaning him off, and my wife is on-board as she too recognizes this is not natural.

What you can do, is to reassure her that you will be back at a specific time (give yourself a few extra minutes, so if you are running late due to traffic, she doesn't panic) - the dBPD-T I had would freak-out if her husband was running 30 minutes late or more, my wife did this before while we were dating, if she couldn't reach me when I told her I was going to be available - she even did it at our wedding, when I was out of place by 20 meters and she didn't see me, as I was attending to some tents as the forecast was rain.  They need a tremendous amount of reassurance that you will be there. 

You need the money, your wife likes money in the form of take-away, so tell her that you are making money for her, and you will be back at such and such a time and you love her.  Also maintain the excessive calling boundary.

Regarding your babies, they prefer you, when they gravitate towards you, they are also abandoning her (imagined, even though you are in the same home).  Encourage your wife, she can spend more time with the babies when you are at work - it will be somewhat unfair to your babies, and my children have told me when I was out to sea (when I was working in that field) that I had abandoned them, just like my wife has.

If you are not careful, once children are old enough to sleep on their own, and they still sleep with your wife, it may create an unhealthy attachment as they get older as it has been very difficult for my son if not impossible to have sleep-over playdates with his friends.

For a borderline, everything circles around the fear of abandonment, even if they are not aware, nor can articulate it.  Look at it from that perspective, and perhaps develop strategies to lessen how your wife becomes triggered while setting healthy boundaries to encourage healthier attachment styles.  Reassure your wife that you are there for her, the babies are there for her, and you aren't going anywhere, but you need to attend to earning enough so you can live comfortably.

Can you think of anything that might be able to help?

Take care.

SD

[thankful person]

Hi SD,
W doesn’t usually openly admit abandonment fears, but everything you said makes sense. Recent days she has been constantly critical of me, our sex life and everything else. But then today she bought me a necklace and said, “I’m sorry for being so stressy and sh1tty all the time.” It’s been years since she apologised for anything. I’ve been understanding that she’s having a hard time of it. Using “I” statements and trying my best to stay calm. I know it won’t last but I was amazed at the apology and gesture.

[SaltyDawg]

Hi SD,
W doesn’t usually openly admit abandonment fears, but everything you said makes sense. Recent days she has been constantly critical of me, our sex life and everything else. But then today she bought me a necklace and said, “I’m sorry for being so stressy and sh1tty all the time.” It’s been years since she apologised for anything. I’ve been understanding that she’s having a hard time of it. Using “I” statements and trying my best to stay calm. I know it won’t last but I was amazed at the apology and gesture.

If you want more of these types of behaviors, excessively* validate it.

"I really appreciate the necklace and the apology that went with it" - point to necklace on your neck, hug and kiss if it is genuine, repeat throughout the day due to 'object permanence' for a toddler - *do it about 3-5 times more excessive than you would for an adult friend.  You want to reinforce any positive behaviors as being good.

[thankful person]

If you want more of these types of behaviors, excessively* validate it.

Haha I’ll try that but I predict it might irritate my wife if I overdo it and maybe once more I’ll reiterate that I appreciate her apology. I know many pwbpd’s apologise lots but don’t change their behaviour but she’s not usually one to apologise. I’m liking the self-reflection on my wife’s part. I know I can’t change her, but I can appreciate and encourage her attempts to treat me better. I didn’t wear the necklace today because I was working all day so thought I’ll wear it tomorrow. School today and she didn’t ring me on the way to school, only texted once in the morning and we did talk during my break and onward journey. But she was being ok towards me so I didn’t mind.

My online interview is Friday. I really want this job. It suddenly dawned on me that I would be professionally trained to work with people who potentially have the same issues as my wife. That could be extremely useful and I’ll let you all know if I learn anything useful.

[SaltyDawg]

TP,

   That sounds wonderful, I am so happy for you.   

   Good luck.

   Take care.

SD