Boundaries

[Caregiver always]

First time here and contributing. I've known for the pat 17 years that my mom has BPD, not that she'd go in for a diagnosis much less help, and had read one book on the subject. With the help of my counselor and my amazing husband I have been able to set boundaries and maintain a relatively smooth relationship with her the past 12 years or so.
Not only is she getting older and having increased health issues but she has also been physically disabled for 33 years and now has some new health issues threatening her life (legitimately).

My caregiver mode has been activated and I can't turn it off. The boundaries I worked for years to put up are crumbling. I feel trapped, depressed, empty, and absolutely alone. I started reading some new information and this site was mentioned. I'm desperate to take care of myself and establish healthy boundaries once again. Thank you for reading.

[Notwendy]

Hello and welcome. There are several of us daughers of aging mothers who are in some sort of careteking position, more or less depending on if we live close to them or not. Either way, we feel a sense of obligation- cultural, religious, family, community- to have a caregiving relationship.

Many of my peers have stepped into this role with their mothers, but they have had a different relationship than we have. It's an odd role- to be in an expected position to care for a parent who behaves in absusive ways to us.

A caring parent would also care about their child and not exploit the child's kindness or support. In our situation, this boundary on the part of the parent isn't there- so for our own protection, we have to have them. This doesn't feel natural- to have to be protective from our own mothers.

In a way, this fits with the continum of seeing what our peers have and do in relationship to their mothers. As a child, I could see that my friends' mothers behaved differently than mine but still- we want that relationship like that and this becomes something we aspire to have, and then find it impossible. As an adult, I see my peers do things for their elderly parents and want to do them as well. But this situation is different.

Caretaking was our expected role in our families and also, I think many of us we are hard wired for it. As children, we are wired to cling to the parents we are dependent on. As adults we are wired to be nurturing if we become mothers and also wired to care for aging parents in need. I find that it's this wiring that my BPD mother can exploit. She doesn't have it. She sees me as useful to her. It's not a reciprocal relationship. She doesn't have boundaries on how she treats people. So unless I do, there won't be any, but it isn't a comfortable feeling to do so.