Struggling

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,
I am new to this site.  Just feeling very stressed out and lost as usual. This past year was pretty tough.  My brother died suddenly and unexpectadly..  Then we lost our loving Dad a few months later. Truly the worst day of my life the day Dad died. I was the only one there to watch him take his last breath.  I’d do it again though to be by his side.I have a brother who refused to be there “to watch Dad die”.  Mother was in a chair sleeping next to his bed.  I did not want to wake her up as I did not know he was taking his last breaths.  This was new for me to experience. A few hours after Dad passed, a hospice nurse came into the room and asked for me by name.  Mother just screamed out angrily  “Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth!, that’s all I ever hear about is Elizabet!, I’m sick of it!”  At that point, my world changed again.  Dad was always so loving to me.  I had craved for Mother's unconditional love my whole life.  It was always conditional though.  I left the room crying and stepped out into the hallway. I just could not believe life could get worse. My brother showed up shortly there after.  He sat down next to Mother, and the two of them started to discuss “business” and what needed to be done, all the while Dad is deceased right next to them and no one had the decency to cover him up. Again, I was just so lost and looking for comfort, to give love and be loved. Maybe I was in a state of denial, shock, unsure. I was numb.. At one point, my brother motioned to me with his hand, like swatting a fly, to go away.  Because I had the audacity to mention I was very tired.. My Dad was my everything. Growing up, Dad was always working.  Mom was a stay at home Mom.  As an adult later in life I finally could see she was an alcoholic.  She drank several drinks daily for as long as o could remember, but she still functioned like everything was “normal”.  Dad had me on as executor for their estate.  Dad did not trust his son, my brother.  Within a month of Dads passing, my brother was on as POA for Mom and two months after that he convinced Mother to change the “will” that of course benefits him better than the will Dad set up. My brother is dipping into Dad and Moms bank account heavily.  But Mother tells me she does not want to hear it.
I should probably mention I am a struggling single parent, like most parents are..
I had a dear friend tell me today, to be careful and not piss the family off more than I do, because I could get cut out entirely.  I believe her!
Dad used to call solely to check on me and my children.  That’s gone.  Mother will call me, only when she wants something.  I am always there to answer and talk to her.  
There’s so much more I could say of how I’m treated, but I could go on and on.
All I wanted my whole life was love and to be acknowledged. I hope to always have my children in my life.  My new family are now my chosen friends.
Thank you for listening!!

[Elizabethmm]

Hello,
I am new to this site.  Just feeling very stressed out and lost as usual. This past year was pretty tough.  My brother died suddenly and unexpectadly..  Then we lost our loving Dad a few months later. Truly the worst day of my life the day Dad died. I was the only one there to watch him take his last breath.  I’d do it again though to be by his side.I have a brother who refused to be there “to watch Dad die”.  Mother was in a chair sleeping next to his bed.  I did not want to wake her up as I did not know he was taking his last breaths.  This was new for me to experience. A few hours after Dad passed, a hospice nurse came into the room and asked for me by name.  Mother just screamed out angrily  “Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth!, that’s all I ever hear about is Elizabet!, I’m sick of it!”  At that point, my world changed again.  Dad was always so loving to me.  I had craved for Mother's unconditional love my whole life.  It was always conditional though.  I left the room crying and stepped out into the hallway. I just could not believe life could get worse. My brother showed up shortly there after.  He sat down next to Mother, and the two of them started to discuss “business” and what needed to be done, all the while Dad is deceased right next to them and no one had the decency to cover him up. Again, I was just so lost and looking for comfort, to give love and be loved. Maybe I was in a state of denial, shock, unsure. I was numb.. At one point, my brother motioned to me with his hand, like swatting a fly, to go away.  Because I had the audacity to mention I was very tired.. My Dad was my everything. Growing up, Dad was always working.  Mom was a stay at home Mom.  As an adult later in life I finally could see she was an alcoholic.  She drank several drinks daily for as long as o could remember, but she still functioned like everything was “normal”.  Dad had me on as executor for their estate.  Dad did not trust his son, my brother.  Within a month of Dads passing, my brother was on as POA for Mom and two months after that he convinced Mother to change the “will” that of course benefits him better than the will Dad set up. My brother is dipping into Dad and Moms bank account heavily.  But Mother tells me she does not want to hear it.
I should probably mention I am a struggling single parent, like most parents are..
I had a dear friend tell me today, to be careful and not piss the family off more than I do, because I could get cut out entirely.  I believe her!
Dad used to call solely to check on me and my children.  That’s gone.  Mother will call me, only when she wants something.  I am always there to answer and talk to her.  
There’s so much more I could say of how I’m treated, but I could go on and on.
All I wanted my whole life was love and to be acknowledged. I hope to always have my children in my life.  My new family are now my chosen friends.
Thank you for listening!!

[WishIwasNora]

Elizabethmm, I am so sorry for your losses and can certainly imagine you seeing your beloved dad's last breaths a traumatic experience. I'm also sorry for your brother's loss, and it's doubly sad that your last interactions with him turned so sour, unnecessarily. As for your mom, it's an extreme pity how she treats you. I don't share that type of experience, as both of my parents were loving ones, but my maternal grandmother was much like your mom.

I am not a lawyer, but you might consider calling one for basic advice, which is usually not charged for (though check on that). If you were assigned the executrix of your dad's will, and a beneficiary of a certain amount, perhaps legally that was not to be changed. I realize surviving spouses do have some legal rights in most states, but perhaps not what she did. With your brother gone, that may affect things, too. Or has your dad's estate already been distributed?

My sweet mom died just over 18 years ago. That was the worst day of my life, too, though I didn't see her last breathes. Perhaps this seems unbelievable, but I lost both my father and brother this past year, as well. My sister is the executrix of both of their wills. The pain and struggle stems from my abusive b-i-l taking over, so to speak. I've had to hire a lawyer, as a result. Instead of being able to properly grieve, I feel my b-i-l is at war with me. I am a 50% beneficiary with my sister, but they've managed to cheat me in certain ways. Now, my relationship with my sister is a bit damaged.

During the final days of my mom's life, she told me that her mother called her "a pig" right before going into the hospital. That grandmother was abusive to my mom her whole life. And also to my siblings and me. When that grandmother died, she willed almost nothing to my siblings and me. She gave everything to my surviving uncle, with a note in the will that if anything happens to that uncle, all goes to his wife. If the uncle and his wife died, all would go to their adoptive son, rather than split four ways (that cousin, me, and my siblings). That's beyond mean. I feel more anger towards that grandmother than sadness or hurt. Anyway, be a loving mother to your children, and try hard to stop expecting your mom's love. Your mom owes you unconditional love, because that is what mothers should give. Savor the past love from your dad, as you grieve his loss, and beyond.

[Notwendy]

Sending condolences on the loss of your father. I understand your feelings. I was also attached to my father, who was the more stable parent to me. After he passed, I felt as if I had lost my only parent.

After Dad passed, BPD mother wrote me out of her papers at POA and I wondered also if she had disowned me. This was not about any inheritance- by state law, it was all joint property going to her, and I knew that. I think she did that in anger. She later "reowned" me and I am now POA.

BPD mother uses money as a way to control people. It was Dad who earned the money but BPD mother controlled it. There was stress between my parents over money and her spending. As a teen, I knew that accepting money from my mother was connected to her control.

Several years later, there's a different issue. BPD mother's reckless spending has put herself into financial danger. She is elderly now and dependent on others for assistance. While for most of the time she has kept her finances private from me, as her POA I have had to access them when she has not been able to manage her own finances. However, she remains "legally competent" and so I can not intervene in her decisions of what to do with her own money and she's made a mess of it.

I don't know the laws in your area- but even if my father had named me as executor, marital property would have overidden it. It's all BPD mother's to do what she wishes with it.  Our conflict with her has been over trying to convince her to preserve her savings for her own needs, and even that seems to be ineffective.

I can understand how you wish your family members would consider your needs. It may even have been your fathers wishes to leave you some assistance. I am going to argue against your friends' advice to not anger your family further to avoid being written out. You do want to avoid conflict and drama with them because, it's drama but if it's over money she controls, it would mean walking on eggshells with her and being submissive to her control and feelings. What you can do legally is more objective.

If you have a legal right to some of your father's estate- then take legal action to gain what is yours.

If you have no legal right to it- your mother will do what she wants with it. This also means she can let your brother have at it. I do understand your feelings. On one level, it's that your father's funds could have been of assistance to you- but beyond money- there are feelings. If you believe your father would have wanted to help you- there's a loss to that. There is a feeling of validation for you that your father cared about you. It's this: All I wanted my whole life was love and to be acknowledged.

I get it. Beyond any material value- I wanted the relationship acknowleged. "Here my daughter, this is for you- because I value you" from both your parents. And this is what you are grieving. Yet, your parents - both of them- had a disordered relationship. That was something I had to learn about. My father- my hero- the father who acted in loving ways to me- was also in a relationship with my disordered mother- as her co-dependent and enabling spouse. If your mother is also using alcohol, I would bet a similar family dynamic is with your parents too. And your brother.

I found that ACA and Coda groups and counseling have been helpful to me to reconcile my own feelings as well as understand better the dynamics going on in my family- and also help with the grief. It's natural to look to our parents for love and acknowlegement. However some parents are not able to provide that for their children. It would be great if they could but we can also learn that our own value and self worth are not dependent on this. Regardless of what your mother and brother do with your father's estate, they can not take the memories you have of your father from you or change your relationship with you. That is yours to value and hold on to.