Birthdays in Disordered Families

[zachira]

Today I received a request from a family member to send well wishes to a family member who has a special birthday coming up. I have responded to these requests many times by sending a nice card or email. I have never had a family birthday party AND I have not received any well wishes on my birthday since the older generation has mostly passed away. I have decided not to respond this time. It seems like if I did I would be enabling the six generational family dynamics in which the golden children get all kinds of accolades and recognition no matter how offensive their behaviors are AND the scapegoats are abused no matter how nice or generous they are.
Most of my close friends do not even know when my birthday is. I don't care whether they send me birthday greetings or not, because they treat me with kindness and respect most of the time AND we genuinely enjoy being together most of the time.

[Notwendy]

Gotta love the triangulation there. The person might not care if they get a card from you or not, but the person who reminds you to send one is engineering the connection.

BPD mother does this. "Dear (distant relative who hasn't spoken to you in years) would be so appreciative if you called him to wish him a happy birthday"

Well, I assume then that if distant relative has a phone and wants to speak to me-- he can call me!!

[zachira]

Notwendy,
It sounds so familiar being asked by your mother to acknowledge birthdays of relatives you don't even have a relationship with. My mother was constantly telling me that so and so was important to go see when I was in town, even though I did not have any contact with this person except when I was visiting my mother. It seemed to be a part of mom's desire to increase her social standing.

It seems that in disordered families and organizations superficial relationships are encouraged and any real communication regarding feelings are taboo. I keep noticing how in disordered families and organizations that big celebrations are so important like noticing birthdays and having big parties.

Sometimes I feel like I don't  have many friends, because I rarely get invited to any large social gatherings anymore. However when I look at things more realistically, I have a few close really good friends, and to us being part of a superficial large network of people is not something we care about. What matter to us, are close meaningful connections. I keep noticing that in the party crowd, how transactional many of the relationships are. 
 

[Notwendy]

I understand. My own social circle has gotten smaller over time. I used to think I was an extrovert but I also would need alone time. Once I learned about being a social introvert - enjoying being with friends but needs time to recharge- I think that fits me better.

I have friends who love to go out and socialize several times a week. I find that I enjoy it on one weekend night and that is it- and not every weekend. Week nights, I just want to veg and watch Netflix.

My closest friend however, is very social, has people over, goes out to events often. I don't mind that I am not included to all of them. Yet, this person is "there for me" and we connect over the important things. She's an extrovert, I am not. It's OK.

We all just are who we are. I also don't need a large group of friends. A couple of them is OK with me too.

[zachira]

I am actually an extrovert, though not super extroverted, testing out as 2/3 extrovert and 1/3 introvert. I think as we age we become more introverted and need more time to ourselves. You are working, so are perhaps pretty worn out from all the people contact and other responsibilities at work and need more time to yourself than you would if you were not working. Also, having to deal with your mother is exhausting and probably means you need more alone time to recharge.

Introverts think before they speak. I can't tell you how many times I wish I would have thought things out more deeply before opening my mouth.

[GaGrl]

Zachira, you are absolutely correct. I am MBTI Certifued, and that's one aspect of extroversion/introversion -- extroverts become less extroverted over their lifespan.

[Methuen]

When my mom was still 79, she told me directly that she wanted a big birthday bash for her 80'th.  She told me which hall she wanted me to rent, and started suggesting people she would like invited.  I was working full time in a stressful job, already slaving to her basic needs which were time consuming, and which I did at the expense of not taking care of myself.  Her request was over the top.  I never said yes.  I never said no.  But I think she figured it out on her own. When her birthday came, we had a wonderful celebration for her at our house, with our family.  Nice gift.  Special meal.  Beautiful birthday cake I had made.  Balloons and other hoopla.

But she said she wanted the hall, 100 guests, blah blah blah. I just can't even imagine the gall to tell someone that is what you want and expect from them.

We did what we could afford financially and emotionally.

Interestingly she didn't remind me about other people's birthdays, probably because our family is just so small, and distant relatives are also geographically distant. The reminders always centered around her needs.

[Methuen]

Thinking deeper, I now recall that when I was a younger (even into my 40's), she used to remind about all her sister's birthdays. 

Notwendy,
It sounds so familiar being asked by your mother to acknowledge birthdays of relatives you don't even have a relationship with. My mother was constantly telling me that so and so was important to go see when I was in town, even though I did not have any contact with this person except when I was visiting my mother. It seemed to be a part of mom's desire to increase her social standing.

It's always about them, and the optics of what makes them look good.  Oh look!  I got a card from NW or Zachira.  Their mother must have raised them so well!

I almost never got these calls or cards out in the mail to her people, so this would have been yet another way I would have disappointed my mother.  I had a busy stressful career and was raising a family, and had other priorities in my life.  I have just remembered a time or two when her and I were together and she had me call her favorite sister on a BD.  I had actually forgotten about this.  Funny how that was important to them.  I guess that's the narcissism?

[Notwendy]

Funny how that was important to them.  I guess that's the narcissism?

I don't know-but my BPD mother does this too.

BPD mother loves to have parties. She did a birthday one for my father that turned out to be very nice.

She wanted to do a big one for a later birthday for my father, but he had since retired and also was not physically up to a big party. He was stressed over the cost. We didn't know anything about the Karpman triangle. We stepped in to rescue Dad, said we would refuse to attend and she needed to cancel the party. She did but - her rage reaction was over the top. We planned a smaller one and she screamed at us the whole time and also, although we tried to rescue Dad- I think she also screamed at him so much he would have rather paid for the party.

Some time later, she was having a big milestone birthday. We kids started to stress over what to do for it. We felt we should do something but we had to have a limit on the cost or she'd put the costs over the top. So we came up with an offer. We planned what we thought was a nice party that we could afford, calculated the cost and offered her two choices- this party or if she wanted to do more, we'd give her the amount we would pay for this and she could add her own if she wanted more.

As predicted, our party, our way, was insufficient for her and she planned another more elaborate one.  On the way to the party, one of my kids mentioned that I was having a panic attack. At the party, she arranged for people she wanted to sit with at the head table. We kids were seated far from her in the corner with people she considered to be aquaintances. She had a lovely time at her party. I just tried to stay inconspicuous.

[zachira]

This part about the entitlement and wanting to have a party no matter how it negatively affects other family members, reminds me of how I began to see through all the extreme dysfunction in my large disordered extended family. One of my relatives demanded that her elderly son in poor health give her her usual annual big party AFTER the son told his mother he could not give her the party,  asked his mother to buy him his tombstone for his birthday and made it clear he was suicidal. The mother bought the tombstone and talked about it with a big smile on her face, while still moaning about how upset she was that her son was not willing to give her the party, AND he couldn't because of his deteriorating mental and physical health. Other family members knowing full well what was going on gave the party AND not one of them expressed any kind of real empathy for the son. To this day, the family worships this relative for all the great parties. She is also worshiped in her community for how much she loved children and how much she did for the community.
I find this site a safe place to talk about this. Most people are really challenged in seeing through the public charm that disordered people often have and do not realize how badly the close family members are being treated.
Methuen,
I remember all you did for your mother's birthday. Most mothers would appreciate your kindness and generosity.
Notwendy,
Not surprised by your story at all. How sad that your mother can not appreciate you and your father was unable to stand up for his children.
GaGrl,
The more we know about ourselves, the easier it can sometimes be to accept ourselves and get along with other people. We do have to adapt to the changes that come with age, and some of the changes include not being as interested in socializing as much or with as many people.

 

[Notwendy]

As Dad got older, it seemed the role of who should stand up for who changed.

What makes the Karpman triangle roles disordered is that the "Victim" role is a grown adult who isn't really a victim- they feel like they are but sometimes there really is a victim- children and the elderly are not automatically victims but they potentually could be.

I think it was instinctual that we stood up for Dad in his situation. But it was BPD mother who is in victim perspective and this was a change in the dynamics. Her reaction was huge and out of proportion to the "crime" that he wasn't going to have the big party that he didn't want anyway.  We learned that if we stepped in to "rescue" Dad from BPD mother's behavior, her behavior escalated.

I also planned a family get together some time later for my BPD mother's birthday. This was a smaller gathering- as it was post pandemic and with elderly guests, safer, and nobody wanted to have a larger event. At the last minute, she got angry at me for something and almost didn't show up but then changed her mind and went.

I decided after that to not plan a get together for her as I can't rely on her wanting to be there. If we are visiting, we can order take out.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
It does not seem to matter to what lengths you go to celebrate your mother's birthday, she is going to be unhappy and blame you for how unhappy she is. You are very smart to just do for your mother's birthday what works for you and with no expectations that she will be happy. You are doing what fits with who you are, not forgetting her birthday.

[EyesUp]

Birthdays... Ugh.

In my FOO, some of the adults behaved like children and expected a LOT of attention on their special day.  ok...   I grew up celebrating a lot of aunts' and uncles' bdays, plus grandparents, and of course my mother's birthday...  I don't want to begrudge anyone a chance to have fun, gather with friends and family, etc., but I think I developed a sort of Scrooge/Grinch attitude to birthdays. 

For the longest time, I had no desire or expectation that anyone would know it was my birthday. I asked my mother to stop planning parties for me, with friends or family, when I was in middle school. I wasn't comfortable being the center of attention.

In more recent years, my birthday coincided with an annual conference - so I would typically be away from home and dodge it almost entirely.  A few calls and texts with well wishes = all good.

Then, when I worked for a company with an HR department that actually tracked birthdays, I suddenly had a bunch of colleagues surprising me with a song and cake.  I was genuinely surprised and had no clue how to respond.

Then, I had kids and was finally in position to celebrate, you know, kids' birthdays.

And this year, I find myself testing the waters in a new relationship - and my gf surprised me tying balloons on my mailbox when I wasn't home...  this was entirely unexpected, and oddly touching. I never experienced anything like this in my marriage, and had largely avoided birthdays entirely for many years during and prior to marriage...

I guess my point in sharing this is:  It's taken a while for me to reframe how I feel about birthdays - mine or someone else's - by shifting the context and reference from my FOO experience to something new (to me) that is potentially more genuine/sincere/healthy...

I don't think there's anything wrong with skipping birthdays, if that's more comfortable - left to my own devices, that's probably what I'd do.  But it can also be interesting to be open to change, and to experience something so simple and predictable as a birthday in a new way...

[zachira]

EyesUp,
I think you hit the nail on the head in describing the different kinds of birthdays. It is one thing when the birthday celebration is not with people you are close to and/or who really care about you AND totally different when your birthday is recognized and celebrated by people who love and genuinely care about you.

You are making me think about how my feelings about birthdays are related to my FOO and large extended disordered family members. I love a good birthday party when there are warm authentic connections between those celebrating the birthday and with people who genuinely care about the person who is having a birthday.
My issues with birthdays revolve around how the golden children are given recognition on their birthdays and the scapegoats' birthdays ignored in a large extended disordered family of golden children and scapegoats for at least six generations. My sister has had at least twenty large family birthday parties, this year being no exception, and I have never had one. Nobody in the family gets an annual birthday party like she does. You would think she were a small child, and not the senior citizen that she is.

We have been talking about birthdays and other kinds of celebrations that can be uncomfortable because of the disturbing hurtful behaviors of some of the people involved. These types of events are not celebrations or something to enable. I was asked a few years if I was planning a birthday party for my sister. I firmly said no because I believe putting her on pedestal like this is not good for her, nor anybody else. It was one of the few years she did not have a birthday party. The relative who asked me this has given her birthday parties and apparently was hoping I would so she would not have to.

[TelHill]

Gotta love the triangulation there. The person might not care if they get a card from you or not, but the person who reminds you to send one is engineering the connection.

Good point, Notwendy. My in-denial dad is the one who pulls me in to smooth the social waters.  I tend to be the one to be asked though no one thinks of doing much for me as seems to be the pattern among us.

I was groomed to play the worker bee in my family to serve my NPD brother (bully)  and BPD mother(bully).  Not my dad though as someone might think would happen in my conservative, immigrant family.

The engine running my family is Cluster-B  rather than patriarchal, I guess. I try not to participate too though it does wear on me when asked.

[Notwendy]

Groomed to play worker bee. The engine running my family is Cluster-B  rather than patriarchal, I guess. I try not to participate too though it does wear on me when asked.

I don't mind calling someone to wish them a happy birthday or send a card- but in this situation, I can feel a sense of creepiness when asked- as it's manipulation. BPD mother knows that I would say "no" to unreasonable requests, so she makes frequent smaller ones- things I would not usually object doing. The difference for me though is how it feels. If I do it, it feels creepy.

I think this is her NPD aspect- she enjoys "me doing things for her". It's not the task- it's being subservient to her.

She has difficulty with stairs. I recall one time we were walking up the stairs and once she got to the top, she asked me to go get her some water. Do I mind? No. Could she have needed the water all of a sudden? Possibly. Of course I would do it. I would not expect her to go down the stairs and back up again as it is difficult for her.


But somehow I wondered if- the request was connected to the effort- I could have brought it up with me when we went upstairs but it somehow had more "value" to her to make me go down the stairs, get the water, and then bring it back up. It's so strange to think like that about her. It wasn't a big deal for me to do it- but how is it that this thought occurred to me?

I recall as a teen- we were out walking and she said she was thirsty. We were near some restaurants so I went in and got her some water. I brought it to her and she said "oh, I changed my mind" and dumped it on the ground. She was younger then, so getting her own water was not a difficutly.

"Worker bee" - yes- but that is how she sees relationships- and not just with me. When we- her kids- call her to plan a visit, the first thing she says is " oh good, I have things I need you to do for me" not "I am looking forward to seeing you".

[livednlearned]

I feel this way about funerals and weddings too. There is less of this now after years of learning how to manage my family, but in the before times, I felt that family funerals and weddings were things I could never quite connect with.

zachira, I'm curious how you felt not sending anything? Did you feel a sense of peace recognizing that you were being true to yourself?

Or did you feel any guilt or other related emotions?

I don't know what it's like to have a large, extended narcissistic family -- mine is quite small. I cannot imagine how thorough you must have to be to understand and reframe the mechanics of an entire family system driven by narcissism. A small family system is quite taxing to understand and manage.

Did it feel like you were simply applying what you have learned earlier to this new instance? Or did this raise anything new for you?

[zachira]

Livednlearned,
I love your name. It really reflects where so many members here have been and where we are going.
I think celebrations in disordered families whether it is a party, funeral, or wedding are all pretty superficial and can feel pretty creepy at times. At my mother's so called celebration of life, there were no eulogies about what kind of person she was, just endless facts about her life. It reminded me of so many obituaries of narcissists in which there are endless lists of organizations the person belonged to, professional accomplishments, etc., and no real feel for what kind of person this really was, except that they valued being seen as an exceptional person in the community.
You ask great questions. Thank you.
I felt very comfortable about not responding to the request to acknowledge one of the family's golden children's special birthday. The request was sent out by the brother who is a scapegoat and likely requested by the mother who is in failing mental health. I felt like I was doing the most loving thing I could do in not enabling the abuse of the brother and not enabling the narcissism of the sister and mother, AND overall not enabling the toxic behaviors of the disordered members of the large extended family. It felt kind and protective AND I did not feel bitter like I have sometimes in the past.
My disordered family is indeed large and complicated. It has really helped me to be able to see the golden child-scapegoat dynamics which exist on both sides of the family, and on one side of the family there are at least six generations of this. The abuses have been so many and so aberrant, I would have to be insane not to see them OR one of the golden children OR part of the flying monkey clan who aspire to be seen as brilliant even though many of them are not. If I had been a chosen golden child, I think I would be a narcissist. The golden children are all brilliant, easily in the top 1 percent of the population in IQ. I have had to work for what I have, and I don't impress anybody with how much smarter I am than 99 percent of the population. Being an ordinary person, in so many ways is a gift. I enjoy all kinds of people, and I have to do my part if I want to have friends. I have had to work hard for my accomplishments. I have often thought that I would hate being a celebrity. I like to be able to be who I am, though I now take my time in getting to know people most of the time before I decide to share some of my most intimate heartfelt thoughts.