I decided I will continue

[pipefitter]

It’s now been almost 3 weeks of no contact/blocking from my exwbpd. I think I mentioned before that this seems like like a silent treatment to punish. Not nc as a means to move on. It has really shaken me because it’s not like her pattern. But as I thought about it more, it actually fits. Before she blocked, she was doing the same ignoring, and when she would talk it would be very cold and empty. I regret having snapped on her the way I did the night she blocked me. Granted, I wasn’t being abusive. I was very hurt at her behaviors and I lost it.  Her blocking that night was a way to escape accountability and to punish me for not continuing to beg her not to do this again.

So, I have made some decisions. I decided that I’m going to stay. I sent her a message tonight on my work number apologizing for how I acted, and my end of what led to our break up. Because I’m not blameless. I tried to be validating of her feelings in the message. I also told her I would not pressure her to talk, but that I would be happy to hear from her if/when she’s ready. I told her that I care and that I hope she is doing okay

In the mean time, I’m going to continue working with my therapist to help me reduce my codependent tendencies. I’m also processing what happened, and how I can do better next time. I do truly love her at her baseline. She is mentally ill with a terrible disorder. That I’m in the process of accepting. Anything thoughts and advice would be much appreciated!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello friend.  Three weeks is a mere blip on the radar and it's perfectly normal to be filled with self-doubt and second-guessing.  I genuinely hope that things change for the better and you can find some common ground for reconciliation.  Just know that it will likely be a process and not a quick-fix situation.

Just let us know what you need moving forward!

[pipefitter]

Oh man I know the first time the behaviors went off the charts when we were broken up. I just don’t know if I did the right thing reaching out tonight. Idk if it’s going to reinforce her silent treatment, and reinforce that what she did was right before that. But I did want her to feel that she could speak to me again without me being mean to her. I wanted her to feel safe to do so. I also wanted to take the lead and hold myself accountable for my moment of bad behavior. If I can’t, I can never expect her too

[Pook075]

Oh man I know the first time the behaviors went off the charts when we were broken up. I just don’t know if I did the right thing reaching out tonight. Idk if it’s going to reinforce her silent treatment, and reinforce that what she did was right before that. But I did want her to feel that she could speak to me again without me being mean to her. I wanted her to feel safe to do so. I also wanted to take the lead and hold myself accountable for my moment of bad behavior. If I can’t, I can never expect her too

Fair enough, and I do think it's the right outlook.

From my personal experiences with my wife and oldest daughter (both BPD), the hardest part was to stop arguing over the past and live in the present.  For instance, I was with my wife and younger non-BPD daughter a few days ago and my wife continued to make little shots....you never did this, you always did that.  These were half-truths of her twisted perspective and it's so hard not to defend that stuff.  For there to be a path forward though, that stuff has to die out.

One was, "You always said my work didn't matter, so I shouldn't have to contribute to the bills."  Stuff like that is poison on a string...don't pull the string!

Just remember that in the face of that stuff, use affirming statements to move past it.  The past is set in stone and there's no good from reliving it.  "I'm sorry, I wish that could have played out differently.  Can you forgive me?"  You side-step that stuff and seek closure to focus on the present.

Again, I wish you luck...hopefully she responds.

[pipefitter]

That’s where I think this recycle went off the rails. She got caught in several major lies and I don’t think I ever got the honest truth. That made me feel resentful toward her and forget that I have to be the one leading with strength instead of running on my own emotions. As far as I know she has my phone number blocked still. I’m concerned that there hasn’t been any push pull so far beyond the first week post break up. I think no response right now though is better than a response with threats or fear

[Pook075]

That’s where I think this recycle went off the rails. She got caught in several major lies and I don’t think I ever got the honest truth. That made me feel resentful toward her and forget that I have to be the one leading with strength instead of running on my own emotions. As far as I know she has my phone number blocked still. I’m concerned that there hasn’t been any push pull so far beyond the first week post break up. I think no response right now though is better than a response with threats or fear

If you're committed to reconcile, then any communication at this point is a positive step forward...even if it doesn't feel productive.  You've initiated reaching out and for now, you'll have to wait to see if/when she responds.  Don't push things since that seems to backfire.  You'll have to go at her pace.

[pipefitter]

Exactly. It’s so much easier said that done, but I Need to learn from my mistakes the first time. Me trying to push things along made her dig her heels in more. So, I reached out, I think that I was nice and validating and I made it obvious that I want to hear from her. No discussion about a relationship or feelings. It’s truly up to her now. I find it really hard not to ruminate about it. I had the same problem the last time