I have been wrestling with my wife's BPD for three months after she was diagnosed after a suicide attempt. Horrible time as we are only six months married. After another outburst by her last week, she asked me to leave so I am out on my own in a place where I know nobody. There is no timeline on how long. She said I also have to work on me but not so sure on what. Anyhow. I think I should be silent now and let her come back to me ? That's what my intuition is. She has to show me that she wants to work on our marriage and get help.
I am left to just hang out here which is just horrible. She sent me away for the holidays too and then half way through them, said she was thinking about me. Like she had done nothing wrong. Also last week she cried for the first time on the phone and apologized which was huge but next day was cold when I collected the last of my stuff. I think I need to be silent now and wait ? Please advise thanks :-)
Hello and welcome to the forums. Most of us have been in this identical situation and understand how impossible it seems when everything blows up. So for now, I'll ask- what specifically do you need immediate support with?
First, what your wife is going through. BPD in the most basic terms is being emotionally unstable and unable to deal with relationships when there's a hint of things going wrong. Your wife is self-sabotaging this by overthinking everything and arriving to non-logical conclusions. Her emotions are running wild and the words coming out of her mouth can seem perplexing, but it's because she's feeling every possible emotion so intensely (love, fear, rage, jealousy, fear again, etc.).
That's why you can get an "I love you" one minute and "I hate you" a minute later; each are true in that particular moment of instability. It's like being on a rollercoaster if you don't really like rollercoasters....this is awesome...I hate this...I think I'm going to puke...that was awesome, let's do it again!
For your direct question- do you engage or stay away? That's impossible to answer because your wife is on the rollercoaster right now. Reaching out shows that you don't respect her feelings. Not reaching out shows that you don't care. Regardless of what you do, it proves her right in her emotional state.
So I'd just say that if you are going to reach out, make it count. Don't argue and keep the focus on moving forward.
For your other question- how do you work on yourself? That's something we can answer. Your relationship has been traumatic and you've taken a lot of blame through "alternative viewpoints". Work through that and arrive at your own conclusions. If you were wrong, apologize. If you weren't wrong...well, apologize anyway for not being more supportive. The early goal is to get to where you can communicate without playing the blame game.
Also, take time for yourself in this waiting period. Read a book, visit old friends, go to the gym, or pick up an old hobby. Consider this "you time" for healing and self-reflection, to help you gain new perspectives.
I hope that helps and please, feel free to ask questions for the community to answer!
