Seventhsense_
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Together
Posts: 1
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« on: January 19, 2024, 03:53:44 PM » |
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Hello,
I (F, 23) have been with my boyfriend (m, 29) for 4 years. We got along pretty well the first year we were together, until I accidently saw that he was speaking to many women that he knew in a sexual way. I confronted him telling him that is not normal and he completely shut down and didn't speak to me for 3 days. Then he told me it's my fault for seeing it and it's only online and it's invading his privacy and I told him that's cheating, whether it's in person or not, it makes me look horrible, but he never stopped.
He continued to do this for a long time, he just seemed extremely hypersexual online in general, everything he looked at on social media was half naked women or just porn, and when he spoke to women it was just the same type of conversation. It's like he needed the attention so badly.
He was also drinking, smoking weed, and taking other things at the same time, I just didn't know until I started living with him. He also then told me he had BPD and I didn't really know much about it, just know of people that had it but they were all different.
I personally have been hospitalized and sent away for severe mental illnesses myself, so I'm aware of how certain things work but for him, he has been untreated his whole life and he has been told to just get over it since he is a man.
Also before anyone asks why I didn't leave, he started to have really big anger outbursts any time I suspected he was talking to someone, and I would ask him if he was cheating on me because he would stay up late after I would go to sleep or go to the bathroom just to respond to texts, and it would get to the point where he broke a table and broke many of his own things. He would then proceed to guilt trip me and then accuse me of cheating after he couldn't figure out what to say back at me, and then suddenly switch and feel bad for what he did. This was my first adult relationship so he scared me and I didn't feel like I could leave. I also thought maybe I could figure out why or what the source of his trauma was and maybe I could help him get help as much as it hurt me, since I felt like I couldn't leave. I didn't have any family to lean on and I was pretty much on my own.
In June 2021 I found out I was pregnant and i really did not want to have a child, nor did I think it was safe to have one, but he put me down so badly and said that I was a baby killer, and he guided me into changing my mind. I had my son in January 2022 and we also moved to another state a month after he was born, because our living situation because bad.
I told him since we're in a new state, he was no longer around toxic people or family and he should try to get some sort of help or even try to stop with the over sexual speaking to women and all the online things he did.
He eventually kind of stopped and he kind of got more calm but in the past year, he has lost 3 family members close to him. His dad, his younger sister and his aunt. All people that were considered black sheep in his family, just like him. And his mom has already passed years before I met him.
I've tried my best to be there for him because I was also close to his sister and dad, and I am also grieving for them, but I know for him it's a million times worse. He's been drinking a new bottle of brandy every other day on his own, and he spends his night from 8 pm to 2 am smoking weed and cigarettes until he's tired enough to go lay down.
The problem here is that we keep arguing over everything.
We are a interracial couple, I am white and he's black. He keeps talking about disciplining my son physically when he's older because he is mixed and because "he was a bad child when he is younger, so will our son" which is such a negative thing to say. And I told him that's abusive, you can't do that and he will immediately start freaking out when I don't agree with him, yet he says it's my way or the highway.
This time he broke his computer, he said if he has to leave he was going to k*ll himself or the other option is that he will take my son away because he can't leave him with my "cracker" ass, and whatever other insults he has towards me. He says this stuff every time.. and it makes me cry and I don't know what to do half the time
He always does this and then immediately after feels extremely guilty and tries to be extremely nice to me and pretty much pretend like nothing happened.
I'm extremely tired and I'm getting drained by him drinking himself to death at this point. All he does is go to work night shift, he comes home, smokes and drinks so he can sleep, and he'll wake up a couple of hours before work to get ready and then it's the same over and over. And when he's off he sleeps majority of the day until it's dark, and he'll do his "nightly routine". When I ask him for help with my son, he usually just makes it worse or makes him cry and he gets mad that I get frustrated. It's like he's trying to do it on purpose.
So I told him this time I can't do it anymore, I've tried to help, but he always says I can't bring his family back so there's nothing I can do, and it makes me feel really bad, so I leave him alone. He always says I don't be there for him, but I explain to him what he says and he always starts arguing with me and starts saying I don't care about him again. And I know all of this is because of abandonment issues associated with BPD. I have stayed so long because I care and we have a son but I'm so mentally drained. I feel like a single parent in a relationship and I just can't take it anymore.
I had my parents come over this time he had had a breakdown because he was scaring me, he was saying violent things about me to his aunt on the phone because he felt like he was being attacked, so my parents came over and told him we all care about him and we don't like watching him hurt himself like this slowly and he believed it but we also said this isn't healthy anymore and we're all just getting hurt at this point.
So they left at like 3 am, and they told me to let me know what was going and what his plan is, but he's once again acting like nothing happened and he's being really nice and "trying" but it never lasts.
What am I supposed to do? It's like I tell him I don't want to do this anymore, we can co-parent and I'll always care about him and be here for him but we're clearly not working together but he says if he leaves, he can't speak to me and he won't see us ever again?
I'm scared that if he leaves, I'm going to find out he's dead and I already feel guilty that this isn't working and I feel like his family will blame me for everything, but what am I supposed to do?
And it's like if I tell him to leave, it just feels like in a way he just says no and that's it.
Also note, he did start therapy in November, but it was only because I tried to break up with him then too but he said fine ill try to get help and work on myself, but since then it's felt Luke he's being going not for himself but because he "has to". And now he has stopped going because his insurance ran out so we can't afford it so it was short lived anyway.
He was writing in a journal but from what he showed me all he was doing was just writing a word from a dictionary down every day and it's meaning and nothing else.
So that's as short as I can make this... I'm honestly really lost, not sure what I'm supposed to do.
I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared about this "discipline" he wants to do and I'm just not going to stand with abuse.
My parents said it would be best if he leaves and I should give him a deadline this time but he seems to avoid the conversation all together or is just pretending like he's gonna figure out this time, just like every time.
Someone please help.
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