How to best support my partner

[gojira]

I find myself really struggling today.

Background is my upwBPDw began chatting with someone on Reddit a week ago. They seemed to have a nice connection,  and she enjoyed having a friend to talk to. It was good for me, too, as it gave me some space for myself.

Fast forward to last night, she shared some personal stories with him and suddenly he disappeared. Thinking she was ghosted, she started splitting in the middle of the night and targeting her anger at me. I just listened without JADE-ing, but I struggle to validate when I'm the target.

Found out this morning that the friend had just fallen asleep. Meanwhile, my wife had sent and deleted a bunch of messages to him in the middle of the night and blocked him.  She found out what happened when she unblocked him this morning. Now, he (understandably) said he doesn't deserve this treatment and won't talk to her anymore.

My wife is devastated. She recognizes that she fell into her same patterns and made the same mistakes (this isn't the first time this has happened). There's a part of me that wants to reach out to this person and ask for forgiveness, but I suspect that's the codependent in me. At the same time, I don't know how to help my wife and break this cycle. She has a psychiatrist but refuses to see him on a regular basis and BPD has never been given as a diagnosis.

Support or guidance is welcomed.

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[kells76]

Hi gojira,

I'm sorry you're struggling today. I get what it's like when what happens in a pwBPD's life spills over and impacts ours - even if we had nothing to do with the situation.

You have a good insight here:

My wife is devastated. She recognizes that she fell into her same patterns and made the same mistakes (this isn't the first time this has happened). There's a part of me that wants to reach out to this person and ask for forgiveness, but I suspect that's the codependent in me. At the same time, I don't know how to help my wife and break this cycle. She has a psychiatrist but refuses to see him on a regular basis and BPD has never been given as a diagnosis.

You care about your W and of course you wish she weren't in pain. We hurt, too, when our loved ones are in pain and devastated.

There can be a middle ground between "well, it's her problem, so I really don't care" and "she needs me to fix it for her".

Many communication approaches for challenging people include empathy as a component. Empathizing doesn't mean agreeing that she is right, solving her problem for her, accepting blame, telling her what to do/what she should have done, or rolling over/being passive. True empathy is about accepting that she is feeling the way she is feeling in the moment, and putting yourself in her shoes: if you felt X, what would that be like for you?

Can you think of a time when you did something that tanked a friendship, and then think of how you felt? That is something you can bring to empathetic listening -- which may be the most supportive and loving thing you can do for her, much more so than rescuing or fixing.

"That would feel devastating to have that happen in a friendship."

"It makes sense that you'd feel [guilty, overwhelmed, panicky, etc] after what happened -- I've felt that too."

"Anyone would feel that way after what you've been through, and I respect that you want to make things right."

"I just want to be here to listen to you, babe... How do you think you want to move forward with this?"

...

Has she initiated any conversations with you about how she feels?

[gojira]

Hi kells76
After I posted the message, she talked to me more about it. I was able to do as you suggested and empathize how it must hurt to have one's actions push someone away. She responded by saying that it doesn't comfort her, but maybe the words will sink in with time.

I think my struggle is as you suggest: finding the middle ground between doing nothing and doing too much. I appreciate that observation and I will try to work on that. Thank you for your help.

[kells76]

After I posted the message, she talked to me more about it. I was able to do as you suggested and empathize how it must hurt to have one's actions push someone away. She responded by saying that it doesn't comfort her, but maybe the words will sink in with time.

That seems positive that she could be honest about how she felt down in the moment but recognize that she might feel better at a later time.

Did her response seem different to you than past responses, or was it similar/typical?

I think my struggle is as you suggest: finding the middle ground between doing nothing and doing too much. I appreciate that observation and I will try to work on that. Thank you for your help.

That's a good goal for all of us -- I'm working on that with my H's teenagers: how do I care about them and do things to show I care, while still empowering them to solve appropriate problems and take responsibility. It can be a balancing act for sure.

I hadn't read through our Effective problem solving approaches workshop in a while, but just went back to it. While parts of it focus on the "you have a problem but your partner doesn't" situation, there are parts that would apply to the "you don't have a problem but your partner does" situation. It'd be interesting to hear if anything in that workshop stands out to you or seems applicable?

[gojira]

Thank you, Kells,
I'll read through the workshop and try to apply it to my situation.

My wife's response was typical of past responses when I've responded similarly. Usually, like in this case, the next day she thanks me for being supportive.

FYI, the conclusion to the story is that the friend reached back out to her and she is feeling better. We discussed ways to stop impulsively sending responses when she is dysregulated, and we just purchased a timed cellphone lock box for this purpose.