Feeling broken hearted.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I am just having a bad day.  Bad week, bad month.  I don't know how to cope with this.  

Our family was good, all my kids were close, we were close.  Until he met her.  And then slowly she started pulling him away.  He was even a little put out with her because she was so weird at the beginning, and didn't get it.  Safe to say it has been a horrible roller coaster of emotions.  He stopped being a part of our lives for 5 years.  No communication, no texts, it was horrible.  We have NEVER had a relationship with her.  We don't know any of her likes dislikes, other than us haha, don't know anything about her family or childhood, nothing.    In spite of how she constantly degraded his family, told him we were horrible people, completely destroyed our relationships with him, he has two siblings, a sister and a brother.  He didn't even answer his phone the night his sister lost her house and almost her life to a fire.  Never even called us back, found out through social media!

He thought he might propose, even though he spoke to his dad about his doubts.  My husband said, if you have doubts and question if you are doing the right thing, don't do it.  But he proposed.  He married her in 2020.  We were not invited to the wedding, his brother didn't stand up and his sister didn't go either.  None of his immediate family went.   I begged to go but was told no.  And to this day, she holds it against us that we were not there.  when she forgets that she is the one who didn't want us there.  Everything we want to do that is the right thing she denies us then later throws it in our face.  

Most recently she has denied us our grandchild.  My heart is broken.  My husband says just don't worry about it, give it to God, I try but my heart hurts so bad.  Do BPD ever care that they hurt so many?  Do they even think about what they are doing? I cannot wrap my head around someone who is so intentionally cruel and spiteful, and vindictive and mean.  And what hurts most is that my son is now stuck in that relationship because he is that loyal and they now have a child.  I know in my heart that he is stuck.  I feel like she threatened to kill herself if he left her and he believes she will.  I feel like he wants out and he doesn't want her to treat us this way but has to go along to keep the peace at home.  I have no idea how to handle a person with a mental health issue, but I am beside myself.   I don't know if I can do this much longer.  HOW do you handle it?  How do you cope?  I thought I was all alone.    My husband is sad seeing me so sad, my youngest is sad seeing me sad. My daughter has reestablished her relationship with her older brother and I don't want to conflict that, but I know that she is a pawn for my DIL, as are the great grands as she manipulates them with visits with our granddaughter.  I know she is making nice with everyone around us and leaving us out because she feels like I disrespected her.  In reality, I just don't want to play her mental games.  She didn't want my youngest, even tho both my boys have reconciled, at our granddaughters Christmas program and asked me to tell him to not come.  I was not going to do her dirty work, if they didn't want him there it was their job to tell him so.  Not me. So that led to her deciding i disrespected her and she didn't want her to be a part of our lives anymore.  Needless to say I saw it coming MONTHS ago, I new it she was just looking for an excuse.  And slowly it happened.  She blew us off for thanksgiving.  Would have been the first one in 7 years that I would have had all three of our children with us.  They called and canceled the morning of thanksgiving and they went to her mothers house.   Then canceled Christmas with us.    I hate the holiday's now.   Even though I try so hard to not let her ruin them for me, she has.  I cannot help it.  made a point of calling the great grands and spending time with them.  Today my daughter told me they were coming to visit her and her husband on Feb. 3, I guess that's what set me off today.

Do all BPD have to control and manipulate every situation?  And if you don't comply is it then a diss to them?  I do not like being manipulated or controlled.  I don't know how to work with her.  

I guess  I need to stop,  I'm just venting.   Things I cannot talk to my husband or anyone else about because the response is "just let it go, forget about it."  

[irunforwine]

Hi,

I am just having a bad day.  Bad week, bad month.  I don't know how to cope with this.  

Our family was good, all my kids were close, we were close.  Until he met her.  And then slowly she started pulling him away.  He was even a little put out with her because she was so weird at the beginning, and didn't get it.  Safe to say it has been a horrible roller coaster of emotions.  He stopped being a part of our lives for 5 years.  No communication, no texts, it was horrible.  We have NEVER had a relationship with her.  We don't know any of her likes dislikes, other than us haha, don't know anything about her family or childhood, nothing.    In spite of how she constantly degraded his family, told him we were horrible people, completely destroyed our relationships with him, he has two siblings, a sister and a brother.  He didn't even answer his phone the night his sister lost her house and almost her life to a fire.  Never even called us back, found out through social media!

He thought he might propose, even though he spoke to his dad about his doubts.  My husband said, if you have doubts and question if you are doing the right thing, don't do it.  But he proposed.  He married her in 2020.  We were not invited to the wedding, his brother didn't stand up and his sister didn't go either.  None of his immediate family went.   I begged to go but was told no.  And to this day, she holds it against us that we were not there.  when she forgets that she is the one who didn't want us there.  Everything we want to do that is the right thing she denies us then later throws it in our face.  

Most recently she has denied us our grandchild.  My heart is broken.  My husband says just don't worry about it, give it to God, I try but my heart hurts so bad.  Do BPD ever care that they hurt so many?  Do they even think about what they are doing? I cannot wrap my head around someone who is so intentionally cruel and spiteful, and vindictive and mean.  And what hurts most is that my son is now stuck in that relationship because he is that loyal and they now have a child.  I know in my heart that he is stuck.  I feel like she threatened to kill herself if he left her and he believes she will.  I feel like he wants out and he doesn't want her to treat us this way but has to go along to keep the peace at home.  I have no idea how to handle a person with a mental health issue, but I am beside myself.   I don't know if I can do this much longer.  HOW do you handle it?  How do you cope?  I thought I was all alone.    My husband is sad seeing me so sad, my youngest is sad seeing me sad. My daughter has reestablished her relationship with her older brother and I don't want to conflict that, but I know that she is a pawn for my DIL, as are the great grands as she manipulates them with visits with our granddaughter.  I know she is making nice with everyone around us and leaving us out because she feels like I disrespected her.  In reality, I just don't want to play her mental games.  She didn't want my youngest, even tho both my boys have reconciled, at our granddaughters Christmas program and asked me to tell him to not come.  I was not going to do her dirty work, if they didn't want him there it was their job to tell him so.  Not me. So that led to her deciding i disrespected her and she didn't want her to be a part of our lives anymore.  Needless to say I saw it coming MONTHS ago, I new it she was just looking for an excuse.  And slowly it happened.  She blew us off for thanksgiving.  Would have been the first one in 7 years that I would have had all three of our children with us.  They called and canceled the morning of thanksgiving and they went to her mothers house.   Then canceled Christmas with us.    I hate the holiday's now.   Even though I try so hard to not let her ruin them for me, she has.  I cannot help it.  made a point of calling the great grands and spending time with them.  Today my daughter told me they were coming to visit her and her husband on Feb. 3, I guess that's what set me off today.

Do all BPD have to control and manipulate every situation?  And if you don't comply is it then a diss to them?  I do not like being manipulated or controlled.  I don't know how to work with her.  

I guess  I need to stop,  I'm just venting.   Things I cannot talk to my husband or anyone else about because the response is "just let it go, forget about it."  

[TelHill]

Hi irunforwine,

It's definitely ok to vent. It's an unfair situation. My elderly mother is the pwBPD.

I'm her designated scapegoat. I have always been a good, reliable daughter. I enjoyed school and always kept out of trouble. I never wanted to party or rebel in high school or college. I was and am a goody two-shoes.

My mom would accuse me of misbehaving, troublemaking  and being incorrigible from a young age.  It was very upsetting to me but I knew I wasn't like that at all. It wasn't based in reality.

I understand how painful it is to be treated as if you've done something wrong when you haven't. It's unfair.

It never works to correct my mother or argue when she becomes abusive.  She looks for a fight to make me look bad to justify her behavior. Looking back, she would do that at family events as a child calling me fat or ugly. I'd cry or scream at her to stop. I gained the reputation as a cry baby with a bad temper in my extended family which was mortifying to me then. I didn't understand why they didn't see how mean she was for no reason. It was beyond frustrating.

I'm middle aged at this point. When she pulls out her abusive zingers, I say oh or ignore her. If it's intolerable, I leave my parents' house. Correcting her or hoping to drum some common sense in her is futile. It's taken a lot of work to get to that kind of zen stage.

I have attended CoDependents Anonymous meetings for the last few months. It's helped me realize I didn't cause the problem, can't control it and can't cure it. Furthermore, I enjoy doing the right thing. It's helped me treat her and myself with respect. I don't feel as aggravated and awful as I used to.

She has a mental illness. They'll only change for her if she chooses it.

[irunforwine]

My new mantra:   Didn't cause it, Can't control it, can't cure it. 

I guess the difficult part for me, is not my relationship with her it is the relationship she is denying me with my granddaughter. She's a baby and an innocent in this.  I have been told that I it's best for me to step back and live my life and one day my son will wake up.  I need to find a way to be happy and get some counseling. 

Thank you for the response and appreciating the fact that I needed to vent.  That was very kind.

[hungryhippo]

Hi, it is definitely very hard communicating with someone who  has bpd. They often see situations as black and white. So all good or all bad. If you even slightly disagree with them they can easily internalize it and cast you as all bad. It does not matter if they are in the wrong or not. The other bad part is, it is hard to point that out to them because it can cause even more retaliation. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I would try buttering them up (even if that is difficult after all they have done) and trying to get on their good side again. Once there maybe just limit interactions but hopefully then you will be allowed back around your granddaughter and son. Again just a temporary solution and not ideal. But it may help.

[Notwendy]

Thank you for the response and appreciating the fact that I needed to vent.  That was very kind.

I think we all need to vent at times. This is a difficult situation. I think Hungry Hippo makes a good point. Even the slightest suggestion to my BPD mother can be interpreted by her as invalidating. For someone with BPD- feelings can change quickly. Also- calling my BPD mother out on any of her behavior will prompt a reaction from her.

I think counseling is helpful. It may seem like an odd suggestion - she's the one with BPD - not you- but for support in coping with the situation. I think the advice to refocus on your own life is important but also one needs support for this and counseling can help. Also the advice about "buttering them up". Any sense of criticism can feel like an attack to them and so being complimentary can feel validating.

[TelHill]

hungryhippo is correct about buttering people up. That was suggested to me to make work connections as an introvert at work. I was honest with my praise (I like your outfit, haircut...). Coworkerd reacted positively which made the process less intimidating.

A bpd will not be cured of their disorder but it will tend to bring some peace during interactions.

[zanyapple]

Even the slightest suggestion to my BPD mother can be interpreted by her as invalidating. For someone with BPD- feelings can change quickly. Also- calling my BPD mother out on any of her behavior will prompt a reaction from her.

Exactly this. You could be in a corner doing your own thing with a neutral face, but she could misinterpret that as you angry at her. The way their brain works is out of this world.