Breakup cycle 22 times. Possible BPD in ex girlfriend?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Makeup breakup cycle 22 times.

I’ve been dumped by the same partner 22 times now everytime things get hard or arguments occur she walks and ends the relationship. This is taking a huge toll on my mental health but I’ve described the cycle below in the text. Looking for some advice. I don’t wish to hear oh just get rid of her it’s just not that easy. I love this girl. I wish to figure out the root issue and fix it. Her mum is diagnosed BPD after educating myself on the matter I recognise she has many traits herself.

The first couple of times she ever broke up she would phone up within a few days sounding very regretful almost panicking even turned up at our shared place of work at 5 am in a taxi “to talk” however there is one thing I would like to point out and that is since taking her back those times since then. The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. She’s sent a couple breadcrumbs but I am good at no contact and can stick to it but yes she only ever wants to sort stuff with me when she’s drunk. I hate it, makes me feel like PLEASE READ. But other than that she has a routine if you will with this cycle it’s exactly the same every time. We say our goodbyes take cares etc… then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

[IMissHer21]

Makeup breakup cycle 22 times.

I’ve been dumped by the same partner 22 times now everytime things get hard or arguments occur she walks and ends the relationship. This is taking a huge toll on my mental health but I’ve described the cycle below in the text. Looking for some advice. I don’t wish to hear oh just get rid of her it’s just not that easy. I love this girl. I wish to figure out the root issue and fix it. Her mum is diagnosed BPD after educating myself on the matter I recognise she has many traits herself.

The first couple of times she ever broke up she would phone up within a few days sounding very regretful almost panicking even turned up at our shared place of work at 5 am in a taxi “to talk” however there is one thing I would like to point out and that is since taking her back those times since then. The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. She’s sent a couple breadcrumbs but I am good at no contact and can stick to it but yes she only ever wants to sort stuff with me when she’s drunk. I hate it, makes me feel like PLEASE READ. But other than that she has a routine if you will with this cycle it’s exactly the same every time. We say our goodbyes take cares etc… then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the site.  I'm sorry you're stuck in an endless recycle in your relationship and the goal here is obviously to do something different.  BPD can be hereditary and it was in my wife's family for four generations (down to my oldest daughter).

You described the separation phase, but what we'd really need some insight on is why the break-ups keep happening.  That's where you can change this pattern with better communication and understanding.  If this is BPD, then your girlfriend feels rejection and leaves before you can abandon her...and those FEELINGS are real.

For example, have you ever watched a horror movie late at night while lying in bed, only to hear something inside your house?  Your mind starts to play tricks on you...is there someone or something there...and you feel fear.  While the reason for being scared is imaginary, the fear itself is real.

People with BPD have heightened emotions and that's what fuels them.  A good day is a GREAT DAY.  A bad day is a HORRBILBE DAY.  Everything is magnified when they're unstable, and they start to look for cracks in their closest relationships.  It's sort of like the feeling I described from the horror movie...it's fear of being rejected so they take drastic actions for self preservation.

Your goal here is to have open, honest conversations that make her feel loved and appreciated before reaching that feeling of instability.  The sticky tabs along the top of this page can help you with that and we'll also talk it out with you as you share more specific information.  Hopefully that helps as a starting place.

[IMissHer21]

Thank you for your response, the arguments are every single day usually over petty things that get blown up every single argument of ours goes onto another topic and then blows up it’s my fault just as much. Then during these “fake breakups” is what I call them she indulges in self destructive patterns such as clubbing drinking etc. I really don’t know what to do.

[Pook075]

Thank you for your response, the arguments are every single day usually over petty things that get blown up every single argument of ours goes onto another topic and then blows up it’s my fault just as much. Then during these “fake breakups” is what I call them she indulges in self destructive patterns such as clubbing drinking etc. I really don’t know what to do.

That's simple- stop arguing.  Why would you want to be with someone that you argue with non-stop every single day?  Just stop it and you won't have to argue anymore.

Now, I know what you'll say- she's wrong!

Of course she's wrong when she's unstable.  But what's more important, being happy with someone you love, or being right in an argument over absolutely nothing? 

You can't have both and arguments happen between two people. 

So if you stop arguing, it's just her yelling over something that doesn't matter.  And by showing her empathy and de-escalating the conversation, the yelling will stop.

It really is that simple.  To stop arguing over things that don't matter, you simply have to be the bigger person.

Do you love her enough to do that?  Because that's the answer here on whether or not you can "fix" your relationship and break these cycles.

You're probably thinking I'm wrong...I don't know what she's like or how intense she can be.  But I've been there, all of us have.  She has mental illness, she's sick, and she's lashing out because she feels unloved or insecure in that moment.  So you show love and security and let that moment pass.  Then it's back to the good stuff.

I am assuming that you are not mentally ill, which means that you must take the lead.  She's unstable at times because of a chemical imbalance in her brain.  It's hard to fault her for that.  So if you love her, you must accept that and understand that you don't get to argue for days on end over nothing.  You can break that cycle...she can't without your help.

One other thing- you're saying "fake breakup".  For her, it's catastrophic because her emotions are so enhanced.  She's going through devastation each cycle and it's tearing her apart inside.  There's nothing fake about it, she's suffering because she can't understand why you can't understand her.  It's as real as it gets and eventually, she won't come back.

You have the power to break this cycle, but you have to be committed to real change.  Again, read through the sticky threads at the top of the page and really take them to heart.  While a lot of this is not your fault, you play a role in her instability regardless and it's something you'll have to own up to.

[kells76]

Hi AP2000 and another to the boards. It's good to hear that you want things to change between you and your GF -- this is the right place to learn and practice new, healthier approaches to a BPD relationship.

Like Pook075 mentioned, because she struggles with BPD type traits and behaviors, she won't be a healthy emotional leader in the relationship. If you want positive changes to happen, it'll be important for you to take the lead in learning and applying new skills and tools. This isn't to say that it's a guarantee things will work out -- but being clear on your personal values can help you know what you can live with or not.

One of the helpful things about this group is that you can post "transcripts" of conflicts and conversations, and we can crowdsource feedback and suggestions for where to make changes for the better. And, fortunately, you don't need her to cooperate or agree when you make changes.

the arguments are every single day usually over petty things that get blown up every single argument of ours goes onto another topic and then blows up it’s my fault just as much. Then during these “fake breakups” is what I call them she indulges in self destructive patterns such as clubbing drinking etc. I really don’t know what to do.

Can you post a "he said - she said" conversation here? We can work with you to find ways to defuse the conflict.

It may not be easy -- it may be hard work -- but we understand that you have personal reasons to want to stay and make things better.

[IMissHer21]

Hello kells76 and Thankyou for the welcome to the site.

I currently do not have a chat thread that I could post as an example of our conflicts as a lot of the time conflicts seem to happen over the phone or in person. I’d like to be the leader of the relationship  in fact I’ve asked her to just let me lead for months until one day she said she agrees and will let me (not to control of course) but because I want do desperately to open her eyes to this horrible disorder and to help her.

An update today it’s been 2 days no contact now from my side and she has posted a couple of sad quotes saying “he didn’t want to see her with anyone else so he made sure to change for the better” unsure what this means but it’s 100% aimed at me I know for a fact.

Thanks for reading.

[Pook075]

By taking the lead, Kells and I didn't necessarily mean "you're in charge".  It was more aimed at being an emotional leader to avoid the high highs and the low lows.  I'll write out a quick example of what I mean:

Kells (in an angry tone): Why do you always do this Pook?  You know how badly it hurts me!

Me: I'm so sorry, what did I do to make you upset?

Kells (even angrier because on her end, my comment is perceived like I'm deflecting and blame shifting): You always do this and you never actually listen to me!  I am so done with being treated this way!

Me: (in a soft, calming tone): I would hate to feel that way and it wasn't my intention.  I'm so sorry, I care about you and want to help.  I'm listening now, please talk this out with me.

Kells (still angry, but maybe a notch less than a moment ago): I've been running all day trying to get things done and as soon as I walk in the house, you can't even stop to help me carry things to the kitchen.

Me (realizing that we're now at the root of the problem, showing even more genuine concern and kindness): I'm so sorry, I didn't do that intentionally.  Is there anything else that needs to come inside?  I'll go get it now.

At this point, someone with BPD may change the topic to keep the fight going, or they may calm down and realize it was just poor communication.  After all, how could I know Kells needed help carrying something inside?  The perception was that because I didn't volunteer, I didn't care and I was intentionally being mean. 

That's dysregulated thinking and if you can catch it in real time and just show empathy towards the emotional stuff, then you can de-escalate the situation and move past it without the explosions and theatrics.

Does that help?  And could you give us an example of your arguments so we can talk it out?

[IMissHer21]

Hello, it’s been a long time since I decided to post here. My username has been updated to IMissHer21. However I can provide an accurate update on the situation since my last post.

After 8 months of being together with 22 breakups initiated by her and no change in behaviour in regards to listening and respecting my boundaries/boundaries we set together as a couple, the coming and going constantly, the false promises and future faking. I decided I had had enough. So I ended things myself. I went no contact and we didn’t speak or have any communication for 4/5 months.

One day I was out in town (we both live in the same town) drinking with my friends. Suddenly I look up and lock eyes with her as she crosses the road. I turn around as to avoid her, but she grabs my arm and says “can we talk”I said not really but ended up hearing what she had to say anyway. She said stuff along the lines of “I’ve never been able to get over you, I miss you, I never stopped loving you etc” she was not drunk but had been drinking all day as she had been at a festival all day. Her phone which was on her lap lit up as a notification came through and I saw that her wallpaper was a photograph of her an another one of her exes which she had seen at said festival earlier in the day and also kissed them. (This from the girl that constantly said how she hated her exes and basically didn’t know what she was thinking ever being with them) I said “really you’ve never been able to get over me yet your wallpaper suggests otherwise. She then changed her wallpaper to a photo of her and I from the 8 month relationship that we had previously been in. I said “you need to delete all of the photos and forget about me” I showed her my phone and how I had deleted all photos/memories during the 5 months apart. As I was showing her that I had deleted everything she saw a photo of a girl I was previously talking to in my camera roll, stood up and walked away. I thought that was it.

Fast forward a couple of days later and she texts basically saying her feelings are so strong since talking to and seeing me again and she wants to sort things so we did we went for cocktails and explained how neither of us had been with anyone else, physically emotionally or sexually since we had split 4/5 months ago. (This is a fact by the way) we both had talking stages but this had lasted 2 days for both of us.

The last couple of months we have been together again but not officially in a relationship. I’ve been asking her repeatedly to get on the same page as me and that I won’t be becoming official with her until I absolutely know that this time there isn’t going to be any games… she seemed serious constantly watching videos on bpd admitting she may have it and resonating with a lot of things discussed on forums and in videos on bpd. One day we had had an argument and she split resulting in a mini breakup again. Next day I see her in the club grinding on some random guy. I called her a nasty name and walked out crying. She then proceeded to blow my phone up on no caller id… I didn’t pick up she showed up at the flat, I went mental screaming calling her every name and told her to go to her mums. She kept saying sorry but I didn’t want to hear it. Next day I had 472 phone calls from her come through and an 18 page letter admitting to how sorry she was and everything in the letter was incredibly in depth and showed she seemed to have genuine remorse for her actions. She overly apologised and just kept repeating how disgusted she was at herself she asked me for another chance I said I’m heartbroken and need to think about it it’s not something I ever thought you would do, she kept saying “that’s not her she didn’t know what she was thinking” 

next day I went to work thought about it came back to the flat, I walked in on her watching YouTube videos on bpd relationships, I sat down told her I’d been thinking and I can’t do it to myself to give her another chance. She hysterically started crying begging me holding onto my arms and crying hard just kept repeating please give me another chance, I can’t lose you, I’m so sorry, I’ll do whatever it takes” this lasted for no word of a lie 2 hours. So I gave her another chance making it clear that this was it if she messed up again or didn’t respect my boundaries or me as a person or if we can’t work together then I was done. She said she understood and a week later she tried to breakup again I remind her of the words in the 22 page letter and her episode of crying asking for another chance and she responds saying “that’s how I felt at that time this is now) like wtf. But she did remind me that she felt disgusted still at herself for what she done. Anyway we sorted that out next day and we were back to talking again. We had some great times really good times we were happy together the last 2 months going for walks along the beach days our meals out we were actually getting somewhere so it seemed. We wanted her to move in to my flat so she went home to tell her mum and her mum who is diagnosed bpd went mental calling me a narcissist control freak etc basically saying no she isnt moving in. (Pathetic. She is 20 I had to remind her she can do whatever she wants) anyway long story short she simply could not say no to her mum no matter how much we spoke about it. We were on off again for a week every couple of days talking again. Until we had a huge argument, I flipped shoved her (again) (I know really not good and I’m not happy with myself and take full responsibility) we were screaming arguing until her mum come and picked her up. I then received a message from her saying “after this I want nothing to do with you, you’ve proved to me nothing will ever change” she then blocked me on every platform.

2 days later she unblocked me on Facebook, but the block remains in place everywhere else for the last 8 days (currently). She has since posted a few undirects on her Facebook (sad quotes about relationship related things) but not tried to reach out at all. I have caught her once or twice unblocking me on TikTok for an only a few seconds (I’m guessing to check my posts/pages/reposts) but then blocked again. Within the last 8 days since she blocked me I spent the first 3/4 days trying to get through to her, every call I tried she would hang up immediately upon hearing my voice, every text I’d send from different numbers were ignore. I decided to spend £150 on 100 roses, a bottle of rosé and a teddy and had that delivered to her door, again no direct response but I did notice that she had posted a quote from the film “after” on her Facebook a few days ago (around the same time receiving the roses) which I had also referenced the film in a small note sent with the roses. Thought this was a bit coincidental but could be wrong.

It’s now been 3 days that I’ve been completely silent and it will stay this way from my side now.

What is to be expected or to happen, her family obviously have now formed a very strong opinion on me and dislike me completely obviously I can understand this but also this has only given her mum more reasons as to why she shouldn’t move in with me. I should also mention that at the start of this breakup (currently 8 days ago) she decided to recycle an old friend of hers that she hasn’t spoken to within the last 4 months so that’s just great he is also an enabler to her bpd and had caused us many issues in the previous relationship that we had together, by gossiping and being very childish. I should also mention that the other people that she was friends with previously mugged her off completely within the last 4 months and she did end up cancelling going on the holiday because we were back speaking again, she cut the friends off because they were mugging her off behind her back and didn’t end up paying her back the money for the holiday she had paid for over the months

I hope I’ve made this clear enough of an update. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen but Thankyou for reading.

[Pook075]

Welcome back- that's a lot to take in since there's a lot happening at once.  Let's start with the mom.

My ex wife and oldest daughter both have BPD, and that's an incredibly difficult dynamic to deal with.  Most of the time, they're best friends since they feed off of each other's drama.  Yet this also tends to push them apart and I can't tell you how many fist fights I had to break up over the years between them. One explodes, the other explodes, then chaos ensues...yet they remain fiercely loyal to each other because of they can relate to one another.

In your situation, the relationship is virtually doomed if you can't find a way to get along with the mom.  Even if you reconcile but can't find common ground with mom, it's a ticking time bomb of a relationship and it also likely played a major factor in the past.

For what will happen from here (with you going no contact), it's tough to say since she went several months last time before reaching out.  Maybe she makes contact, maybe not, but the "getting back together" is just a small step in avoiding the same patterns of your past.  Are you prepared to make considerable communication changes to give the relationship a chance to succeed?



I know this is the bettering board but at the same time, I'm trying to be as transparent as possible.  Fixing this relationship will require working through things with 2 BPD's in your life and that's going to take considerable effort on your part to better understand the illness.

[IMissHer21]

Hello,

Honestly, that seems next to impossible however from my side I’d do whatever it takes. I actually did try to find level ground and my ex and I tried to get her mother to meet us in the middle but she just started acting petty and shutting down any conversation or being rude overall. We invited her to go for a coffee she’s rude, denied the offer and started going mental calling me a narcissist etc. My ex did tell her stop, but it’s like when they’re together they’re like to children. I am not trying to be rude or anything but from an outsiders point of view the mother definitely does not help at all. She’s 50 still goes out clubbing acting like a teenage girl overall, which has unfortunately been a bad example to my partner. But the worst part is that no matter what I say my ex can’t see any of this because she simply doesn’t want to see it.

I would try to find common ground with the mother, we wanted this to happen so that we could have a better relationship, especially because I do not have a family on my side, but like I say it’s like talking to a brick wall and unfortunately when anything happens my ex just can’t keep it to herself she has to tell everyone. It’s so frustrating.

[Caleb91]

Hi IMissHer21,

I've commented on your posts before, and continue to relate to your story. My ex's mother also has undiagnosed BPD (I would bet anything) and spent so much energy trying to sabotage our relationship and keep my girlfriend away from me, and all to herself. Whereas your girlfriend is 20, mine is in her 30s and still basically living at home in a co-dependent relationship. Her mom also acts like an emotional, erratic teenager, who guilts and manipulates my ex into not dating me or anybody really. I was smeared and called a narcissist, among other things. I wanted so badly to win over my ex's family and know that I could have but she kept us apart and let them hate me without ever getting to know me. I loved my ex and wish her family could have seen how much I cared about her, but honestly that wouldn't have won them over because all it would have meant to the mother is that somebody was taking her daughter away. It was toxic with a capital T.

Anyway, I sympathize with what you're going through and relate to a lot of it. 

[IMissHer21]

Hello, Caleb91.

Thankyou man I honestly appreciate that, yes her mother is actually diagnosed BPD she also told me her dad has it. I resonate with the part you described as being at home still living in a codependent relationship thanks to the mothers. Actually ridiculous. I’ve tried to open her eyes but she either thinks that I am taking a dig at her mum or being manipulative or just disrespecting her family when it’s the complete opposite truth be told I could not care less about her mother. She isn’t a good role model at all, very teenage like at the age of 50 still clubbing and doing reckless things but no if I ever bring these things up to my partner she basically has just always said it’s her choice nothing to do with her but it’s that unhealthy relationship with the mother that has ruined us completely. Unfortunately my partner let it happen too, she’s always taking in and prioritising everyone else’s opinions and takes on my relationship to the point that whatever opinion is stated that becomes her new reality like she can’t see anything else other than the opinion she has chosen to listen too.

As far as an update I’m still blocked on every platform except for Facebook, I’ve stayed silent for 4 days now and she hasn’t posted any indirect quotes/posts aimed at me whatsoever. She’s been silent I’ve been silent. I don’t know what’s going through her head but this is horrible. Every single waking minute I’ve spent the last few days just researching researching researching bpd relationships etc.

Do you think my actions (shoving her during the argument we had) has caused her to split me black completely or give in to the final discard? What do you think is to be expected Caleb91?

[Caleb91]

It’s so maddening how things get flipped on us, how trying to lead the people we love out of an unhealthy situation gets cast as us being the the bad guys, the controlling narcissists trying to isolate them when that’s exactly what these mothers are doing. The deck is stacked against us and the bonds with these toxic caregivers will always win out. That’s how I felt at least. Good things I did were unappreciated or turned against me, and the actual mistakes I made got cast as unforgivable acts as evil. Meanwhile her friends and family and especially mother get away with one selfish act after another and she keeps them all in her life while I’ve been excommunicated.

I can’t tell you if you’ve had a “final discard” because you’re only a few days out from this rupture and that seems like nothing in the grand scheme. You’ve had several months at a time of NC. I’m 2 years out from my (maybe final) discard still hoping and praying that it’s not final. I hope both of us find our ways back to these people we love, not so we can go through more painful cycles but because maybe we’ve learned enough about BPD that we’d be able to navigate our relationships and our partners’ psychologies in a way where we can finally be with them and love them in relative peace. That’s what I’m hoping for both of us.

[IMissHer21]

“I hope both of us find our ways back to these people we love, not so we can go through more painful cycles but because maybe we’ve learned enough about BPD that we’d be able to navigate our relationships and our partners’ psychologies in a way where we can finally be with them and love them in relative peace. That’s what I’m hoping for both of us.”

- wow man this was beautiful, Thankyou so much and yes I hope for both of us aswell man. We just have to keep remembering that God has a plan for us and our relationships.

The only reason I asked if it was a final discard is because she’s blocked me before during splits of course but usually always unblocked by 5/6 days this time it’s now been 10 days. She unblocked Facebook after 2 days and that’s remained unblocked but I don’t know. I did make my accounts public so that she doesn’t overthink on who I am following or who follows me. I think she is perhaps unblocking every day but only for a few minutes a time to check my pages then blocking again. Who knows.

Regardless yes it is maddening how things get flipped on us, I’ve stated many times to her how much of a shame it is that she simply cannot see the things I am trying to open her eyes to in her life because she doesn’t want to see these things. The deck is stacked against us, it’s constant and I’ve tried to open her eyes many times to the way she is is of course down to programming from her primary caregiver like you say but she just doesn’t care enough to actively listen take in what I’m saying and perhaps just take a step back to see for herself. Instead it’s “you’re trying to turn me against friends, family etc. I simply cannot seem to ever win. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of enablers but she has many… friends, family of course her primary caregiver that really is a frustrating factor aswell to deal with as a partner but I do it because like you say I hope one day we can relax and just be at peace. Just like we always talk about on “budgie island” (that’s our thing) we call eachother budgie always have done, we collect any feather we go past, we call my flat the nest, we rubs noses and say beak to beak, we call our feet claws the list goes on. It’s an incredible bond that I don’t believe she has ever experienced with anyone before and I certainly haven’t which is why I don’t understand how and why everything has to always be so difficult with us when it simply does not have to ever be…

[Caleb91]

Each rupture my ex and I had got more severe and longer, breaking up for a few days, then a week, then a couple weeks, then a month, and now 2 years. Your breakups might be following the same pattern, and 10 days though agonizing is not a long time at all. If I believe that I'll hear from my ex again, I have to believe that you will from yours. There are far more stories on this board and elsewhere about BPD exes who show up when you least expect it than there are about ones who go NC and stay NC forever.

Our exes and situations sound very similar. Mine also never had a bond with anybody like she had with me, and so I have to believe that as the days, weeks, and months tick by my ex will realize how rare that connection was and will be interested in taking another look.

Though our timelines are very different, and I hope two years from now you're not still on this board looking for answers like I am, our exes sound so similar. Mine too unblocked me on one thing over and over and over, for just a matter of minutes I'm quite sure to check up on me. I damaged myself by sending pleading emails and gifts and flowers for months, hoping to talk her back into the relationship which had always worked. But this breakup was different, as she steeled herself and surrounded herself with enough support, these friends who were eager to indulge the stories she was telling about me and how terrible I am. After almost a year of making overtures I had to stop because it wasn't working and I realized was probably pushing her further away and fueling "crazy ex" stories for her to tell her friends and anybody new she might try to date. I still think about her a lot, I mean look here I am on this board, but in a way it was freeing to realize that there was nothing more I could do. There was no letter or gift that was going to change the situation. All I could do is let her live her life and hope that she'd get some perspective and return. It's not as good as being moved on and ready to form a healthier relationship with somebody new, but it's less agonizing than the feeling that you can fix the situation if you do or say the right thing. There's nothing you can do, not right now, at least that's the realization I came to at some point. I hope you get there sooner than I did. And I hope we both hear from our exes.