My dad is fed up

[zanyapple]

There's something off with my dad the past few weeks. If you've been following my story, my uBPD mom has been asking my dad to marry her. My dad, according to him, is too afraid to say "no" that he's been coming up with all sorts of reasons to put this off.

All my life, I've always known my dad to be a workhorse. His job is the one thing he's always been laser-focused on, even well into his senior years, but recently, things have been off with him. He's been telling me he's so tired of my mother, especially that every single day, she screams at him following up on the marriage, amongst other "issues".

He's also been going to church more frequently praying "for my mom to change", like that's actually going to happen. Granted, there's really only a few places he's permitted to go without my mother believing he's doing anything suspicious. By "suspicious", I don't mean infidelity, but more like, she's suspecting he's meeting up with other people so he can talk about her behind her back.

My mother is the type who would snoop on his phone and email. She still does that up to this day, but because of her eye problems, it's been increasingly physically difficult for her. If it weren't for her eye issues, she'd continue to be relentless in this aspect. Every time both of them would come here to visit and she'd catch my dad and I talking, she would then say, "Are you backbiting me again?!", in a really malicious tone, even though we're only talking about mundane things like TV shows. How insane is that? Imagine a father and daughter not being able to talk to each other like normal people?

In my recent conversation with him, he expressed that he wants to just rest and spend the remainder of his life happy. I've never heard him not wanting to work anymore. He says he still enjoys his job as everyone is nice to him, but he'd also be happy to just be able to relax.

He is welcome to stay with me. I am fully aware that there are financial implications to sponsoring him for a green card, but I think I'm more worried about the implications it would have on my mother - not in the sense that I am worried for her if she remained in our homeland, but more like... I guess, I just have fear in her? I can already imagine her incessant calls and text messages, but on the other hand, aren't they merely calls and text messages? What's so scary about those? I don't exactly know what I'm worried about.

I do have memories of her being shameless. She's the type who would cause a scene in public. She has launched a smear campaign against me and my dad before, texting our friends and letting them know "the bad things we did to her." But I don't even know if I'm worried about that because I don't really care about what they think.

My husband looks at this in a very simple way. He tells me that, "you just have to tell your mother no. If you sponsored your dad only, you don't have to reason with her why you aren't sponsoring her. Saying you don't want to is enough."

What do you think I'm worried about? Maybe you can help me uncover it?

[TelHill]

Hi zanyapple,

In my opinion, your mom would throw a fit and harangue you and your dad for her own green card  should you choose to sponsor him alone for a green card.

Could you or should you put up with that?

My dBPD mom's go-to role is victim (like in the Karpman Drama Triangle for pathological behavior -- https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle ) when she doesn't get her way. I have gone between Persecutor and Rescuer in my life. Victim is a common role for a pwBPD.

I realize it's difficult considering your mom has an eye problem and lives where medical care is not as good as in the US. It also sounds like she wants to immigrate to the US and you hold the key to that.  You may want to consider your mom wants to remarry dad because she believes you will sponsor him for a green card.

I hope I'm not offending you but I can think of a few possibilities if she immigrates here given what I've seen in my extended family for those not coming here for a career:

1) She'll miss her friends and home country. She'll return.
2) She'll insist on moving in with you and push her weight around. She will manipulate you to be her nurse and her purse.
3) She'll find another man and leave you and dad for him.

Again, I hope I'm not offending you. Am sure there are other possible scenarios here. You know your mother and I don't.

[Notwendy]

Hi zanyapple,

In my opinion, your mom would throw a fit and harangue you and your dad for her own green card  should you choose to sponsor him alone for a green card.



My dBPD mom's go-to role is victim (like in the Karpman Drama Triangle)

Yes, I was about to say the same thing.

Dad would, on occasion, have a moment where he declared he was fed up with the situation. Not all were about leaving BPD mother and some were about disagreeing with her.

Karpman triangle was not just between them. We kids would step in as "rescuers". BPD mother would react (victim) and in this reaction, would become verbally/emotionally abusive to us and Dad. Dad would be worse off for our atttempts at rescuing than if he just went along with her in the first place.

Or, if I sided with him, against her, she'd go into victim mode-he'd "rescue" her from me and be angry at me.

Victim -rescuer roles/bonds between them are strong and seemed to be the predominant pattern. We kids were just accessories to these roles as either rescuer or persecutor ( if BPD mother was angry at us).

I didn't know about the triangle dynamics when Dad first got ill. I'd have brought him home with me if he had wanted it. He would express concern about not staying with my mother. I'd agree- and then, it seemed he'd flip perpective. There were times I'd step in as "rescuer" and then find that both parents were aligned and angry at me.

I know now that even if my father expressed being "fed up" at times - there is no way he'd follow through with it.

If my mother wanted something, and I didn't want to comply- she could get me to agree via Dad. I was emotionally attached to Dad. I cared about him and wanted his approval. Your mother wants a green card and now you are considering one for Dad.

So another version of Tell Hill's suggestions is that if you got your father a green card, your mother would harrass him about it. The two of them would then align against you, get married and insist you sponsor both of them for a green card. If you refuse, they will bond together and get angry at you.

I am not suggesting your father has ulterior motives. I don't think my father did. It's just that my mother had a lot of influence over him. If she wanted something, he'd want it too. This rescuer-victim pattern was not a conscious thing for them. It's how they connected. If she wanted something, he wanted it for her too.

You can still be supportive to your father. Let him know you care and love him. But check your own feelings and behavior- chances are, you've also been on that triangle with your parents as part of the pattern in your family. Be aware of your own tendencies to step in as rescuer for your father. If he wants to visit you, he can initiate that.

One thought I have about his change in enjoyment of work and going to church a lot more is- is he becoming depressed? Nothing wrong with going to church- it's the change in his behavior and lack of work enjoyment that would make me wonder. Perhaps he'd consider a suggestion to see his medical provider.

[zachira]

What is scary about this, is you really don't know how sponsoring your father for a green card and not your mother is going to affect you negatively, though from past experiences with both your parents, you certainly can make some intelligent guesses. What do you think are all the different possible scenarios?
I know a man who has a mother with terrible BPD from another country. He sponsored his parents for green cards and they came. The parents got divorced. The mother was a pain to him and his wife until she died, though she never was allowed to live with them, and they were both busy working so there was a limit to what they could do for her. Mostly they would take the mother out on one of their days off and it was always followed by the mother calling her son and complaining about everything under the sun.
This is all about your boundaries. What boundaries would you need to have for your wellbeing if you were to sponsor only your father for a green card?

[Mommydoc]

Zanyapple, has your dad actually asked you to sponsor him for a green card? I ask because wanting to rest and be happy does not necessarily equate to leaving your mother, his country and coming to live with you. I wonder if the idea of you taking him in and caring for him, is your desire to rescue him? Telehill, NotWendy and Zachira have outlined the potential risks, which I agree with and are significant. I wonder if a healthier approach might be to intentionally step out of the rescue role and try to play a facilitative  role with your father. Could you explore with him, what being able to rest and be happy would look like to him, what his barriers and obstacles to that are, and what actions HE can take to achieve his goals. Could you be curious instead of trying to problem solve? It may help him take actions without creating personal risk for you. It also gets you out of the triangle while allowing you to support your father. Good luck!

[anon331312]

> My husband looks at this in a very simple way. He tells me that, "you just have to tell your mother no. If you sponsored your dad only, you don't have to reason with her why you aren't sponsoring her. Saying you don't want to is enough."
> What do you think I'm worried about? Maybe you can help me uncover it?

What your husband said is right but at the same time does not describe the nuances to your situation. Sponsoring your dad and not your mom is effectively the end of your relationship with your mom because that is a very critical snub to any mom. It means she's not good enough for you and you don't want her to be around. From what I read of her, she's a terrible person so that would make sense. However, any good person would still feel unease at the precipice of such a decision. And yes, she will likely hate and PLEASE READ talk you for the rest of her life.

Now, does that mean you should sponsor her? Very likely not. If she moves to your country, that means she likely will live with you or in your vicinity. She will be highly dependent on you in the foreseeable future (or forever) because she's now in unfamiliar territory. pwBPD are generally very needy and she will have an insurmountable list of complaints that you will need to help her address (if even possible). And as others pointed out, she will likely start being homesick and miserable. In short, you will be inviting her into you and your husband's life for a long while. Not to mention, your dad will not be free of her. Is that something you want?

[zanyapple]

In my opinion, your mom would throw a fit and harangue you and your dad for her own green card  should you choose to sponsor him alone for a green card.

Could you or should you put up with that?

What is scary about this, is you really don't know how sponsoring your father for a green card and not your mother is going to affect you negatively, though from past experiences with both your parents, you certainly can make some intelligent guesses. What do you think are all the different possible scenarios?

These are all really good points. I know, even just trying to picture it right now, that it will be a very, very stressful time. She is going to text/call incessantly, and even if that's really just texting/calling, it's still harassment.

On the other hand, I don't like the fact that I am letting her control me. She's already done that my whole life. But I also understand that engaging in this fiasco further is going to be detrimental to me. Not engaging does not mean letting her control me, in fact, it is the opposite. Maybe I'm being retaliatory? I don't know.

Zanyapple, has your dad actually asked you to sponsor him for a green card? I ask because wanting to rest and be happy does not necessarily equate to leaving your mother, his country and coming to live with you. I wonder if the idea of you taking him in and caring for him, is your desire to rescue him? Telehill, NotWendy and Zachira have outlined the potential risks, which I agree with and are significant. I wonder if a healthier approach might be to intentionally step out of the rescue role and try to play a facilitative  role with your father. Could you explore with him, what being able to rest and be happy would look like to him, what his barriers and obstacles to that are, and what actions HE can take to achieve his goals. Could you be curious instead of trying to problem solve? It may help him take actions without creating personal risk for you. It also gets you out of the triangle while allowing you to support your father. Good luck!

My dad has not explicitly said it, but he said "it would be nice if he could live with me during his remaining years", although I was the one who asked if he wanted to come here.

One suggestion I had for him was to move out. I'll help him financially and help him find a place to move to. But he says he's too scared because she will find him. He has no money. My husband says he should man up and open a new bank account and route his salary and pension there. But my dad can't do this. He literally cannot find the courage to do it. I just feel so bad that he has to endure her every single day. I know what that's like. But then again, he has a choice, and he chose this. And you are all right - that I should not be my dad's rescuer.