How to survive and improve bpd relationship. Just got dumped again

[Dontsaveher3000]

I got into a relationship a year and a half ago. This girl was fresh out of a serious long term relationship so we began slowly but sure enough we fell in love and moved in with eachother within two months to better support eachother. We hadn’t become official until six months later but began staying exclusive with boundaries since the first month. We’re both in our mid 20s.

As soon as we moved in the episodes began. The rudeness began. The lack of consideration and respect and serious fights began. She would put her hands on me and I still take it. I would get dumped once a month like a clockwork and she would come back as soon as her episodal thinking and feeling resolved. The lies nearly ruined us but I worked hard to improve trust and things have been better there. She began therapy to sort things out about 6 months into the relationship.

The rudeness, lack of consideration, screaming, putting hands on me had only intensified since then because she had to face not just trauma from her last relationship but childhood trauma in order to help her bpd. I also feel she became so comfortable with me it was as if she didn’t care. Still I would see and feel pure happiness from her when she was happy with me through most of the week. I was and still am dedicated to changing our relationship dynamic to best suit her needs.

I’ve made it through most of this and been able to feel happy in my relationship still. But the peak of turmoil has seemingly just begun. She began involving her family with rude untrue bs about me, most of which was misunderstood or intensified from her anger. Some of which was flat out lies that she had later reconciled and told the truth about. Just before some major family events she would say things like I only ever used you for rent money or hit me or hit herself in the head or ‘break up’ with me and expect me to get in a car with her and enjoy dinner with her family. Then I’m the asshole for not feeling comfortable even well enough to show up and put a smile on for others, people I can’t even tell about most of her behavior because I didn’t want them disapproving our relationship because of her mental health or how she treated me.

We try to take space but it’s riddled in confusion. She says we’ll talk tommorow night I wait five nights in a row for a single conversation and it’s put off every time. I said just be straight up with me about how much and the kind of space you need we can change anything with our relationship to help your needs right now. Then on the morning of one of her parents birthdays I was invited and expected to show up to, only maybe two sentences were exchanged in the morning while one of her younger family members was in the house.

She breaks up with me right then and there and tells me I’m uninvited because she’s not ready for a relationship but somehow is still my fault in unclear ways and throws on her headphones and starts manically singing the rest of the day before the big event just to show me that she’s okay while I’m clearly hurt and around others. Stonewalled or screamed rude things at for ever trying to reconcile and understand her. Then the event rolls around and while her family is around for two days. She acts like she never uninvited me or dumped me when I manage to sum up the insanity to act like I’m okay enough to go. So then she flips back and fourth between wearing her ring or not. When I asked in front of her family she says she’s taking a break from the relationship. Don’t be fooled we agreed that any break would still be with her rings on, it was an attack to hurt me for a reaction out of me in front of others so she can better rationalize how she treats me. Manipulative reputation destruction to help her splitting me using any reaction from hurting me and eventually getting to discarding.

That’s where we’re at it seems. We took a week in seperate rooms and things were actually great. On the night I was supposed to move back in where she told me she wants to stay with me and go back to everything as normal before… before we really got to outline the major changes in space and dynamic we would take.. she screams calling me a dumbass and other untrue insults for offering to help her bathe the dog with her because even though we planned to do so now suddenly I’m too stupid to see there isn’t enough space in the bathroom that we’ve both bathed her in before. I put my foot down and said I’m sorry none of those things are true about me don’t scream at me and call me names. So she decided to dump my ass for what seems like the last time. The night was a treacherous episode the worst of them all. I said we just started making a plan to take space and give up most relationship commitments so you can focus on your mental health please don’t give up on everything. But it seemed she used my pain to go a step further. She deletes our pictures on social media and stopped wearing her ring going public again with our relationship problems. She can’t even pause our relationship issues and put it on hold when her family’s around. She uses publicity as an opportunity to hurt me and humiliate me for any reaction she gets from me so she can also misconstrue it into her splitting me publicly. I understand this is really a protection mechanism and gathering others on her side only helps.. so she feels she is okay herself and by getting rid of me at any cost or label true or not she is now safe from facing herself and her truths.

What seemed like our last good chance to be together seems gone and I’m so hurt right now. I feel like I put in everything into this relationship to make sure she’s okay and that we’re okay and that we could have long futures together. I was more than ready to get through anything her mental health could throw at us and ready to do anything to improve it… except for losing one another permanently. This is something I could never work my head around. I thought it would always be possible that just lots of space even now for weeks or months at a time could fix things. I thought my idea was golden. I thought this will fix everything and we never even got the chance to experience it. I felt even more secure in my idea as she agreed to it and asked for everything in our relationship back. I’ve practically begged her since to at least end things with some respect and not go public with it until we’re on our own ways or things are more resolved but she insists. She’s still in the cold stage of things where she says even though the reason why she dumped me isn’t because of me it’s because she needs to focus on her mental health and can’t be in a relationship,  I don’t even deserve closure… but she came around to it for about two minutes of any decency tonight before asking for more space. Just two days fresh off the last episode. Everything somehow has some untrue insinuation that it’s my fault, this is maybe the 15th breakup we’ve had and she’s come back every time. Every time I say this seems like the one because she makes sure somehow that I feel that it is so by hurting me and making things more painful. And yet every time she comes back.. but this?

Am I crazy for thinking this could have worked? That by reducing our relationship to housemates taking space and gradually building it back up from there while still committing to one another in only exclusivity we could have been okay and better over time? When she told me it’s because she needs the space and time for her mental health and she was overwhelmed with things I thought okay we can do that let’s do it together, in space but together with the common goal still committing to the relationship. She was all for it until the next episode. Now I’m back to being a sitting duck that can’t decide if conversation or space or even moving out this time will help fix things. What do I do when she pushes me away like this? What do I do when she disrespects me and our relationship? What do I do in the face of someone with bpd trying to hurt me for a reaction out of me? How to escape splitting? Or discard?
Our lease doesn’t end for many more months and I want as little that can keep us happy. She says she can’t do any kind of relationship and moving out is next. So if she comes back a 16th time what’s there to do about it. She’s in therapy and I’m not, no couples therapy.

I wanted our love and happiness more than anything. It’s gut wrenching. I hope the details could help provide answers. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Any advice is appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

What do I do in the face of someone with bpd trying to hurt me for a reaction out of me? How to escape splitting? Or discard?

Hey 3000, welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Many of us have had similar experiences and I know how gut-wrenching it can be.  You asked a lot of questions and our members will get to all of them in time, but I wanted to touch on the more important ones now FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

You must understand that she's mentally ill and has a lot of conflicting emotions.  People with BPD will overthink things and when it comes to relationships, they can self-sabotage through negative thoughts and emotions.  In a nutshell, the relationship was that one extra thing that she simply wasn't prepared to handle, so she responded badly.  It helps to understand that she's doing this because she's hurting so deeply herself as she tries to find answers.

First question- what to do when someone with BPD tries to hurt you?

Answer- recognize where it's coming from and don't let it hurt you.  She's responding to deep-seeded trauma that she has no idea how to deal with, yet she expects you to support her and help her through it.  If she can't verbalize it, then you surely can't help in any way, and that's where her frustration kicks in.  Why can't you solve this thing I can't understand myself?  You're a jerk for letting me down and ruining this for me.  That's a very basic illustration of her mentality.

So what do you do?  Pay less attention to the words and focus on the emotion behind those words.  For instance, if you and I were hanging out and I appeared sad, what would you say?  If I was angry...same thing.  If I saw those emotions in you and you were my friend, my goal would be to help you process through those emotions with empathy and understanding.  To do that, I'd have to listen.  Tell me what's wrong, what happened.  And as you talked it out with someone who cares and genuinely wants to help, you'd begin to relax and feel a little bit better.

That's what you do- stop defending yourself and stop arguing.  You can be right or you can make this work- which matters more?  You can't have both until she's stable emotionally, and that takes nurturing communication.  Once she levels out you can have a productive conversation.

Questions two and three are the same answers.  To escape splitting and discarding, you communicate differently, you show empathy and compassion, and you stop arguing about things that don't matter.  Her mental health matters...as does yours.  If you're arguing to prove her wrong, then she sees it as you being part of her problem instead of being part of the solution.  She's struggling so hard with x, y, and z....and her boyfriend doesn't support her or understand her.  He only cares about being right! (Again, this is her viewpoint, not mine.  To fix this, her viewpoint matters though!)

I feel for you and none of this is fair, but you just got a crash course on mental health and what it's like to be in her situation.  This is not your fault...but it's not entirely her fault either.  She can't help that she has a mental illness that makes her over-analyze everything and get depressed, furious, or whatever her emotions bring.  She hates that as much as you do, but she doesn't know how to control it. 

It's your job simply to be a part of the solution.  That doesn't mean "fix her" because you can't, not even a therapist can.  She can fix herself though by changing her focus and viewpoints, and that takes a tremendous amount of support from those that are closest to her.

I hope that helped and again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  It's not fair and it's not fun, but it is the path you're choosing and empathy is the only way forward.  Check out the sticky tabs at the top of the page for practical techniques to lead with empathy.