He fell apart after I asked for separation

[Grumpyhubby]

I posted in another thread, but things have changed since then. Over this past weekend, my husband continued to challenge me about why I’ve been distant lately. I become distant when I just don’t want to deal with the fights, but even that results in fights because he feels neglected. He really wanted to know what I was feeling, so I told him I still had issues with what we had been through last year (see reply on my previous post) and I told him I’m still not happy and that he just continues to be mean to me. I told him I’ve been trying to learn about personality disorders in an attempt to understand his behavior, that I thought he had some BP traits, and that if he would seriously work on himself, things could be better. I was so scared to tell him all this, but in that moment I felt like it was the right thing to do. Surprisingly, he was calm and listened, and apologized for the way he’s treated me, and agreed that he would get help. I felt hopeful again, and thanked him for being so understanding. He asked what I needed, and I told him I need a separation so I can heal from the events of last year and so he can focus on himself. He seemed to agree and said he was willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Well, today, two days later, he is changing his tune, upset that I would hold things against him, that I’m ungrateful, that he doesn’t want to see me, that he can’t believe I could feel this way given he has changed a lot in the last few months. He did get an appointment with a psychologist for intake, which is this afternoon, and we have been doing couples therapy the last few months, but I told him it’s just not enough. He needs to work on himself if things are ever going to get better. I thought he was okay with what I asked him to do, but now I’m not sure, and I feel hurt again and even a little scared. What do I do?

[Pook075]

I posted in another thread, but things have changed since then. Over this past weekend, my husband continued to challenge me about why I’ve been distant lately. I become distant when I just don’t want to deal with the fights, but even that results in fights because he feels neglected. He really wanted to know what I was feeling, so I told him I still had issues with what we had been through last year (see reply on my previous post) and I told him I’m still not happy and that he just continues to be mean to me. I told him I’ve been trying to learn about personality disorders in an attempt to understand his behavior, that I thought he had some BP traits, and that if he would seriously work on himself, things could be better. I was so scared to tell him all this, but in that moment I felt like it was the right thing to do. Surprisingly, he was calm and listened, and apologized for the way he’s treated me, and agreed that he would get help. I felt hopeful again, and thanked him for being so understanding. He asked what I needed, and I told him I need a separation so I can heal from the events of last year and so he can focus on himself. He seemed to agree and said he was willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Well, today, two days later, he is changing his tune, upset that I would hold things against him, that I’m ungrateful, that he doesn’t want to see me, that he can’t believe I could feel this way given he has changed a lot in the last few months. He did get an appointment with a psychologist for intake, which is this afternoon, and we have been doing couples therapy the last few months, but I told him it’s just not enough. He needs to work on himself if things are ever going to get better. I thought he was okay with what I asked him to do, but now I’m not sure, and I feel hurt again and even a little scared. What do I do?

Hey Grumpy.  I'm so sorry you're going through this, and yes...quite a bit has changed.

The way I see it, there's two goals here.

Goal #1, the most important of the two, is you getting to a point where you feel mentally secure and stable.  That's so hard to do in your situation, and you'll see things a lot differently a few months from now if you stay away and let yourself take some time for you.  In this case, it's not selfish...you were receiving abuse.  The relationship only works if both of you are able to make changes.

Goal #2 is supporting your husband, even though it will be from a distance most of the time.  He knows there's a problem and he knows that change is necessary....and of course he doesn't like change at all.  This is extremely hard on him and it's brave to see doctors/therapists to try and work through this.  Do your best to separate your healthy boundaries (you don't get to treat me badly) with support and empathy (I want to see you get better so we can work on our marriage). 

That may seem impossible at first and again, your health is the #1 priority here.  He will rant at times because he's not mentally stable right now, and he'll probably say all kinds of things.  Remind him that's why you left and you won't be able to consider returning until that stuff stops completely.

I hope that helps- we're all rooting for you!

[Grumpyhubby]

Thanks @Pook075. Things continue to get worse. The therapist we met with didn’t seem to think he had a personality disorder, but did think we would both benefit from therapy separately before we come back together. He’s more mad at me than ever for wanting a separation, and even though I keep telling him it could really help our marriage to spend some time apart, he says I’m just pushing him away, and that he’s never asked me to do that. He thinks I’m the mean person for wanting this. But he can’t ever offer another solution. He got so mad tonight that he said he’s at the end of his rope and probably can’t go on this way anymore. So then I say, if this is how you really feel, then maybe we should separate for that reason, to see what will happen between us. But he doesn’t want that either. So then I say, I guess you just want to jump to divorce, but he doesn’t want that either. I am stuck! He’s sleeping downstairs tonight. Nothing has been solved, even with our family therapist at a later appointment this evening. I really am trying and want him to get help so there’s a chance of us making it work, and he’s willing to do therapy for himself.  But this idea of separation is so so hard for him. Help!!

[Pook075]

Thanks @Pook075. Things continue to get worse. The therapist we met with didn’t seem to think he had a personality disorder, but did think we would both benefit from therapy separately before we come back together. He’s more mad at me than ever for wanting a separation, and even though I keep telling him it could really help our marriage to spend some time apart, he says I’m just pushing him away, and that he’s never asked me to do that. He thinks I’m the mean person for wanting this. But he can’t ever offer another solution. He got so mad tonight that he said he’s at the end of his rope and probably can’t go on this way anymore. So then I say, if this is how you really feel, then maybe we should separate for that reason, to see what will happen between us. But he doesn’t want that either. So then I say, I guess you just want to jump to divorce, but he doesn’t want that either. I am stuck! He’s sleeping downstairs tonight. Nothing has been solved, even with our family therapist at a later appointment this evening. I really am trying and want him to get help so there’s a chance of us making it work, and he’s willing to do therapy for himself.  But this idea of separation is so so hard for him. Help!!

Again, you have two immediate goals.  #1 comes first, #2 comes in when #1 is working for you.  Stand your ground, create that line in the sand as the one boundary that you'll no longer allow to be trampled.

If he's angry, that's his problem.  Do what's best for you today, and hopefully he realizes what's best for both of you as well.  If he won't give you any space, stay with a friend or a relative for awhile.

[ForeverDad]

Understand too the perspective of a therapist.  If it is joint therapy then one goal would be to improve the relationship.  The therapist might be less likely to voice whether the relationship could survive, hence the advice to have individual therapy where realistic assessments of self and the other - and the relationship's future itself - could be explored.