Far too much disrespect, I’ve had enough. BPD ex, hard no contact.

[IMissHer21]

 

Hello everyone thought I’d give an update on the situation with my undiagnosed BPD ex.

So after 22 breakups (her leaving) since August 2023 she left again on the 19th January after reconciliation from january the 1st talking about new year new us. It’s been no contact since except we continued to share locations with each other and keep each other on all social media sort of indirectly communicating through posts and reposts of quotes both negative and positive. Today she reposted a video showing that she had booked a girls holiday to Greece (a place we planned to go together at the beginning of the year) she put it off due to wanting to see how things go between us for a bit first)

(At the beginning of July when getting together whilst setting boundaries she expressed that I am never to go on a “lads holiday” “absolutely not” she’d say, so I said is that going to be the same from you then no girls holidays? She responded saying “of course not I’d never do that to you absolutely not I don’t want you ever going on a lads holiday so why would I” so this was left never thought of again by myself. Well today she reposted a video on TikTok about a girls holiday booked. Yet again breaking our boundaries and before anyone sits and comments “but you’re not together” please keep in mind this girl has left 22 times and returned every time meaning how am I supposed to know if another recycle wasn’t on the cards and that it was truly over. Anyway this p*ssed me off as YET again she has done something she swore on her dead relatives ashes she would never do. She has continuously broken every boundary that we have set together over the course of 6 months but for myself the non bpd person it’s not hard for me at all to not break boundaries I’ve never broken one it’s not hard.

Anyway this opened my eyes that after sitting here venting to everyone every second of everyday feeling like pure sh*t my ex is clearly not bothered and is booking holidays with a friend she has only known 3 months regardless of her promise/swears. This makes me sound crazy as I’m typing this I know. So after constant disrespect devaluation and discarding followed by silent treatment for weeks at a time then having her return like nothing happened with false promises and swears everytime to change… today it hurt a nerve in me. Everything became so clear she doesn’t respect me and puts every single person mainly her friends before me and our relationship. It’s like it means nothing to her.

I want to take control of this PLEASE READ she clearly has me under the thumb and I’ve allowed myself to be continuously taken the pi*s out of for far to long now. I instantly turned off my location removed her as a follower and stopped following her on all social media and basically told her I am done. (Something I’ve never done before) each time I’ve pleaded reassured everyday and basically been a doormat for her to walk all over. I explained she’s had the final straw from me and enough is enough and that she’s not a good partner. We had a conversation on the phone she didn’t seem bothered about what I was saying and we ended up arguing badly for a couple of hours, she did mention how she has gone round telling people I’m still her boyfriend for the last 2 weeks during no contact to which I responded why you said you don’t want to be with me she kept saying I do love you so much she isn’t speaking to anyone else at all I know as I have access to her accounts as does she with mine. None of this makes any sense and doesn’t add up at all. There’s just so much disrespect it’s unreal.

Of course after allowing so much disrespect and letting her back 21 times my word holds no value so she didn’t really seem to care but it will hit her as I am going into hard no contact and want to fully go ahead with detaching from this girl and ending this for good. This is something I’d never thought I’d reach with her as I love her so much but literally enough is enough.

My question is how will she respond to no contact? And what/how will the next couple of months look like regarding this situation as I’m so sick of this and just want out and to prepare myself for anything in the next few months.

Thanks for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Brokenmind]

Hi AP2000

I get it.

I read through your post and it resonates with how I’m feeling and going through.

One thing that strikes me as, like me, your intellectually aware of what’s happened, what she is like but it’s the emotions side that your struggling with. I’ve noticed my intellect is separate to my emotions in a sense. It’s like the emotional side is in a wheelchair and my intellect is an Olympic sprinter. I think with time NC it will  eventually catch up.

Regarding your question. If you go NC it will go 2 ways in my opinion. Either she has split you completely black in which case she will use you as a supply if you are willing to just use you or if she needs nothing from you, then you don’t exist.

Or she will try and charm you. I know know you may want this to happen just so you can tell her no. But please be aware this was my line of thinking for over 10 years and I took her back each time and it got worse and worse.

My opinion my friend is build up your self worth, learn to love who you are and what you offer. I think once we get to that stage we won’t depend on other for our own feeling of being worthy. We will know that and have value.

If you feel valuable as a person you won’t give it away so cheaply next time.

You’re not alone AP2000, I’m going though it too. In other words it’s not just you. Take care buddy, remember to look after the one person you’ve really neglected, that’s you.

[IMissHer21]

Hello, thank you for this response you’ve hit the nail on the head and opened my eyes without me even realising in regards to what you said about my feelings are not caught up but I can see the situation for what it is and how she is as a person. You’re correct no contact will help this she stated last night that she doesn’t need anything from me and never will but I don’t know regardless it is what it is and I will get over this.

[Brokenmind]

Her saying she needs you and never will is a statement meant to get an emotional response from you and I wouldn’t pay it too much heed.

Don’t forget she may also have a fear of abandonment and may contact you still. Also you explained the boundary breaking which is a typical trait and her maintaining her own boundary could easily be broken.

Be prepared for this to happen but also try not to wait and expect contact to happen as it may not happen. I say this from experience.

[IMissHer21]

Thanks for replying again. Yes I’m not waiting around anymore I’ve let it go. It destroyed me mentally I’ve let myself be consumed you know there is an issue when I am spending every second of every day googling trying to find a definitive answer on this subject day in day out from the minute I’m awake to the moment I fall asleep. It’s just not worth it anymore.

[Brokenmind]

Hey AP2000

Yes I’m not waiting around anymore I’ve let it go. It destroyed me mentally I’ve let myself be consumed.

In my opinion you should go with that feeling of not wanting to wait anymore, the problem with being consumed however is that it does leave an empty gap in your time and thoughts. Hence why you are using this time you got now to google day in day out morning till night (Ive been doing this for months as well until only recently). Have you thought about what to do with this extra time and space now?

It’s just not worth it anymore.

Yeap. I got there too. You realise that despite everything that you invested in the relationship, how it consumed you, how you broke so many of your own boundaries for her and nothing changed nor was it going to; you come to accept it for hat it truly is.

Keep working and focusing on yourself AP.

[IMissHer21]

How long have you and your partner been split for and have they tried to recycle or give you any breadcrumbs at all?

[once removed]

I want to take control of this PLEASE READ

My question is how will she respond to no contact? And what/how will the next couple of months look like regarding this situation as I’m so sick of this and just want out and to prepare myself for anything in the next few months.

first, its important to be clear with yourself about your goals.

if you are affecting no contact to "take control" of the situation, or to see how she will respond, youre not walking away from anything, youre just trying to turn the tables in your favor. its very easy to do that when you feel disrespected, to try to make your point, to feel heard, to win. but youll find it doesnt usually result in someone respecting you or treating you the way you want to be treated.

if thats what you want to do, there is no point in "no contact". its not a strategy for winning someone back or rehabilitating a relationship.

if you want to walk away completely, then assess what it is that you need at this time in order to help you get there. is it blocking her? is it temporarily avoiding social media that you both use? is it just...letting it go?

this can help you get clear on this: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[IMissHer21]

It’s so hard how would one turn the tables on an ex with a situation like ours? She holds all the cards and me being codependent she now has every piece of power over me. It’s all games I can tell as the last 3 weeks she’s said it’s done and over. Last night on the phone call she said she’s spent the last 3 weeks telling everyone I’m her boyfriend like what!? It’s so confusing.

[once removed]

She holds all the cards and me being codependent she now has every piece of power over me.

what power does she hold over you?

if you want to walk away from the relationship, there is no power anymore. the power struggles are over.

is it that youre not sure you want to walk away? confused about the status of your relationship? have a hard time resisting if she contacts you?

[IMissHer21]

I’ll be honest I don’t want to fully walk away however my boundaries are not existent anymore and the respect is also gone I just want her to be how she was at the beginning not a people pleaser prioritising her friends over me and our relationship

[kells76]

I just want her to be how she was at the beginning

That's a really common thing to want. You're not alone.

Just want to take a moment to see if you've seen this: How a Borderline Relationship Evolves -- thinking it might relate to what you and once removed are talking about.

[once removed]

I’ll be honest I don’t want to fully walk away however my boundaries are not existent anymore and the respect is also gone I just want her to be how she was at the beginning not a people pleaser prioritising her friends over me and our relationship

friend, i think most of us arrive here unsure of what to do...a lot of us still have some residual contact, maybe some logistical things left over, maybe mixed feelings on one or both sides. these are hard relationships to navigate, for sure.

the first thing to do, in any case, is to get centered, to get straight with yourself, and with the support you seek in order to do that. and i know right now it may be harder than ever to do that, but thats what were here to help with.

if you dont want to walk away, then gestures like that are only going to deteriorate an already deteriorating relationship. it is counter to your goals.

you may want both things at once; to leave, and for things to get better. ive been there. it will help, if you are able, to commit to one or the other, because ultimately, you cant do both.

getting centered, and improving your situation is going to require difficult, but healthy choices. it may be that recognizing that the relationship is broken beyond repair (if you decide that it is), and making the commitment to walk away, is the hard, but healthy choice. it may be that committing to stopping the bleeding and making those relationship repairs is the hard, but healthy choice.

neither will be easy, i believe it was our founder who said "good mental health is hard work", but if you act in a way your heart isnt in, or we support you in a way your heart isnt in, it isnt going to get easier.

[Caesar46]

A BPD saying "I dont need you" especially to the favorite partner thats nonesense. What do you think is going to happen if her wonderful plan of going on trip gonna get ruined by her and the new partner is gonna be discarded like you did?

What do you think she will do when she feels alone? She will comeback they always comeback to their favorite partners. The real question you need to ask is this:

What can I do to improve my emotinal control and break my trauma bond so when she comes back I can deflect her every action. Rejecting a charm is easy few harsh words here and there or total silence and she is gone. But having a power to reject a strong charm thats hard.

Please ask the correct question and seek the correct answer.

[IMissHer21]

Hello, it’s been a long time since I decided to post here. My username has been updated to IMissHer21. However I can provide an accurate update on the situation since my last post.

After 8 months of being together with 22 breakups initiated by her and no change in behaviour in regards to listening and respecting my boundaries/boundaries we set together as a couple, the coming and going constantly, the false promises and future faking. I decided I had had enough. So I ended things myself. I went no contact and we didn’t speak or have any communication for 4/5 months.

One day I was out in town (we both live in the same town) drinking with my friends. Suddenly I look up and lock eyes with her as she crosses the road. I turn around as to avoid her, but she grabs my arm and says “can we talk”I said not really but ended up hearing what she had to say anyway. She said stuff along the lines of “I’ve never been able to get over you, I miss you, I never stopped loving you etc” she was not drunk but had been drinking all day as she had been at a festival all day. Her phone which was on her lap lit up as a notification came through and I saw that her wallpaper was a photograph of her an another one of her exes which she had seen at said festival earlier in the day and also kissed them. (This from the girl that constantly said how she hated her exes and basically didn’t know what she was thinking ever being with them) I said “really you’ve never been able to get over me yet your wallpaper suggests otherwise. She then changed her wallpaper to a photo of her and I from the 8 month relationship that we had previously been in. I said “you need to delete all of the photos and forget about me” I showed her my phone and how I had deleted all photos/memories during the 5 months apart. As I was showing her that I had deleted everything she saw a photo of a girl I was previously talking to in my camera roll, stood up and walked away. I thought that was it.

Fast forward a couple of days later and she texts basically saying her feelings are so strong since talking to and seeing me again and she wants to sort things so we did we went for cocktails and explained how neither of us had been with anyone else, physically emotionally or sexually since we had split 4/5 months ago. (This is a fact by the way) we both had talking stages but this had lasted 2 days for both of us.

The last couple of months we have been together again but not officially in a relationship. I’ve been asking her repeatedly to get on the same page as me and that I won’t be becoming official with her until I absolutely know that this time there isn’t going to be any games… she seemed serious constantly watching videos on bpd admitting she may have it and resonating with a lot of things discussed on forums and in videos on bpd. One day we had had an argument and she split resulting in a mini breakup again. Next day I see her in the club grinding on some random guy. I called her a nasty name and walked out crying. She then proceeded to blow my phone up on no caller id… I didn’t pick up she showed up at the flat, I went mental screaming calling her every name and told her to go to her mums. She kept saying sorry but I didn’t want to hear it. Next day I had 472 phone calls from her come through and an 18 page letter admitting to how sorry she was and everything in the letter was incredibly in depth and showed she seemed to have genuine remorse for her actions. She overly apologised and just kept repeating how disgusted she was at herself she asked me for another chance I said I’m heartbroken and need to think about it it’s not something I ever thought you would do, she kept saying “that’s not her she didn’t know what she was thinking” 

next day I went to work thought about it came back to the flat, I walked in on her watching YouTube videos on bpd relationships, I sat down told her I’d been thinking and I can’t do it to myself to give her another chance. She hysterically started crying begging me holding onto my arms and crying hard just kept repeating please give me another chance, I can’t lose you, I’m so sorry, I’ll do whatever it takes” this lasted for no word of a lie 2 hours. So I gave her another chance making it clear that this was it if she messed up again or didn’t respect my boundaries or me as a person or if we can’t work together then I was done. She said she understood and a week later she tried to breakup again I remind her of the words in the 22 page letter and her episode of crying asking for another chance and she responds saying “that’s how I felt at that time this is now) like wtf. But she did remind me that she felt disgusted still at herself for what she done. Anyway we sorted that out next day and we were back to talking again. We had some great times really good times we were happy together the last 2 months going for walks along the beach days our meals out we were actually getting somewhere so it seemed. We wanted her to move in to my flat so she went home to tell her mum and her mum who is diagnosed bpd went mental calling me a narcissist control freak etc basically saying no she isnt moving in. (Pathetic. She is 20 I had to remind her she can do whatever she wants) anyway long story short she simply could not say no to her mum no matter how much we spoke about it. We were on off again for a week every couple of days talking again. Until we had a huge argument, I flipped shoved her (again) (I know really not good and I’m not happy with myself and take full responsibility) we were screaming arguing until her mum come and picked her up. I then received a message from her saying “after this I want nothing to do with you, you’ve proved to me nothing will ever change” she then blocked me on every platform.

2 days later she unblocked me on Facebook, but the block remains in place everywhere else for the last 8 days (currently). She has since posted a few undirects on her Facebook (sad quotes about relationship related things) but not tried to reach out at all. I have caught her once or twice unblocking me on TikTok for an only a few seconds (I’m guessing to check my posts/pages/reposts) but then blocked again. Within the last 8 days since she blocked me I spent the first 3/4 days trying to get through to her, every call I tried she would hang up immediately upon hearing my voice, every text I’d send from different numbers were ignore. I decided to spend £150 on 100 roses, a bottle of rosé and a teddy and had that delivered to her door, again no direct response but I did notice that she had posted a quote from the film “after” on her Facebook a few days ago (around the same time receiving the roses) which I had also referenced the film in a small note sent with the roses. Thought this was a bit coincidental but could be wrong.

It’s now been 3 days that I’ve been completely silent and it will stay this way from my side now.

What is to be expected or to happen, her family obviously have now formed a very strong opinion on me and dislike me completely obviously I can understand this but also this has only given her mum more reasons as to why she shouldn’t move in with me. I should also mention that at the start of this breakup (currently 8 days ago) she decided to recycle an old friend of hers that she hasn’t spoken to within the last 4 months so that’s just great he is also an enabler to her bpd and had caused us many issues in the previous relationship that we had together, by gossiping and being very childish. I should also mention that the other people that she was friends with previously mugged her off completely within the last 4 months and she did end up cancelling going on the holiday because we were back speaking again, she cut the friends off because they were mugging her off behind her back and didn’t end up paying her back the money for the holiday she had paid for over the months

I hope I’ve made this clear enough of an update. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen but Thankyou for reading.

[Turkish]

What is "flipped shoved her (again)?"

[IMissHer21]

I meant I flipped, shoving her again.

[Turkish]

I meant I flipped, shoving her again.

If she sets you off like that, do you think you are both safe around each other?

[IMissHer21]

It’s something that can be worked on and has rarely happened yes I believe so