Sister with BPD and alcoholism. Very toxic in her relationships

[bugz]

Hi! My sister(26) and I(22) have been roommates for nearly a year now, and its been kind of rough. She and I have never been super close and I thought living together may help that. I was wrong. I love her, but her BPD symptoms have been causing a lot of stress and anxiety in my life that I don't know how to regulate. She has a long history of substance use and her current choice is alcohol. She gets drunk almost every night and stays out, often neglecting her cat and other pets in the process. She has had a few relationships over the past few months and, because we are roommates, I often hear in detail her talks with her boyfriends. Normally, I would love to stay out of anything between her and her partner, however the walls are thin and it lingers into my space. She is incredibly rude, degrading, and downright toxic with her partners (who are generally nice guys). It honestly makes me sick the way she is ripping them apart, interrupting to call them names, and other just awful things. They guys always take it really well and dont get upset or anything, just try to calming explain their point or idea. But she is very much a "this is what i have been through, you could never understand, your point means nothing." kind of person. It is just really hard to hear all of that stuff and then keep going like I didnt just hear my sister release armageddon on some poor nice guy in our living room. All of this happens after she drinks.
Not only this, but I am getting married soon and would (in a perfect world) like her to be a bridesmaid. But the reality is that she has never really been there for me, she adds a lot of stress into my life, and I just don't know if she deserves that title. Btw, yes we have talked many MANY times about how I feel about her behavior, with a usually promise from her that she will work on it. I dont know if I can give her an ultimatum, like "if you dont get professional help, I cant have you in my bridal party". I know that is really harsh, but I just am so lost.

[PearlsBefore]

Welcome to the group, please stick around and check back in - it takes a couple days for opinions to form and people to post.

My first impressions:

-Addiction is very often comorbid in BPD, and at least anecdotally it's NOT "self-medicating" - its purpose isn't to dull the emotions and reactions, but rather the opposite - license to act out. I've lived with a pwBPD - got threatened they'd call the police and report me for theft because after I made my "you can only live here if you understand there is never, but never, a drop of alcohol in my home" stance known - knapsacks with vodka kept showing up and eventually instead of just lecturing until it was removed/drank...I started just smashing them in the garbage or pouring them out. That was "theft" in their eyes.

-The one area I worry you might be over-reacting yourself is the bridesmaid issue; it's a one-day affair, it's a meaningless job title, she's not going to be any better behaved at the wedding if she doesn't get to sit at the fancy table...just pat her on the head, remind yourself she's ill, and let her dress up and boast about being the bridesmaid. Not worth the risk of family drama or vengeance, I'd recommend just let it slide.

[Notwendy]

I would not make being a bridesmaid contingent on stopping her addiction. It's a lot more complicated than that. Addictions and BPD can coexist and for learning more about addiction- I would recommend groups like CODA, ACA for support with this.

As to whether or not to have her in your bridal party, I think there are various factors to consider-

Will she be disruptive or be able to hold her own- and also will you be stressed if she is in the bridal party because you are worried about her behavior? I understand this as I can think back on occasions and celebrations where my BPD mother's presence made them more stressful.

If you are concerned about her behavior- that itself could be a reason to not have her as a guest at all but that also may be very difficult due to family dynamics and possible reactions to that decision. I knew that if I wanted to include my father, that meant my mother too. It's a balance- is not having her worth the resulting family upset and hard feelings on her part?

Is there some compromise or plan that can be made to dampen down the risk of her acting up? With BPD mother at a family occasion, I hired a one on one caretaker for her. She is elderly and does need some assistance but this also meant she had one person whose entire job was to attend to her. This person also dressed up for the occasion and blended in so it wasn't conspicuous.

Your sister is younger, so a caretaker wouldn't be a good fit but the idea is similar. You will be the center of attention on that day and your sister may act up to get attention. If you decide to include her- is there someone, a friend, or family member who you can "assign" to your sister to make her feel special in a way. I know this sounds strange to you- it is your day and you'd think someone would be able to manage that for one day, but emotionally, it could be more like expecting a toddler to not be jealous of a sibling getting attention at the sibling's birthday party.

This is your day and your choice- but also weddings- if they include family, can get complicated- even with BPD not being an issue. Where to draw the line on who to invite, who is in the wedding party- can get complicated. Personally, I would not make this decision based on your sister getting professional help. If someone is willing to seek help for BPD/addiction, that has to be something they decide for themselves and they need to be motivated to work on this over time- not for one event.

[livednlearned]

BPD plus alcohol is really, really tough.

For her, alcohol is probably holding her together in ways that living without it isn't remotely feasible.

I know it's the smaller issue, and only gets at the superficial parts (hearing her abuse BFs), but have you found any success with noise-canceling headphones or white noise machines? I'm just thinking about the low-hanging fruit.

Since you're getting married (congratulations!), it sounds like you two might only be roommates temporarily? The combination of losing you as a roommate and seeing you get married as the younger sibling does seem to set the wedding up for a very drunk sister  

BPD and weddings are an ongoing topic here for many of the reasons you mention. It's worth putting as much intention and planning into your sister's behavior as any other part of your special day. What role might your parents play, or close friends? Is there anyone who can keep an eye on her and watch for signs of her becoming dysregulated?

Giving pwBPD ultimatums seems to invite them to double down on the behavior, in my experience. And sometimes calling out the problem can give gas to the issue.

My ex husband was an alcoholic person with BPD and I wish I had done Al-Anon or another 12 step program to really understand what was happening with my behavior. I let fear, obligation, and guilt prevent me from taking care of myself and made excuses for him that helped no one and in many ways made things worse.

It's great that you have been able to identify the behaviors you don't like, and are recognizing that you're asking for things that are perfectly reasonable -- keep trusting those instincts. Many parents with a BPD kid struggle and the siblings suffer a lot of collateral damage. It's an important sign that you know something is wrong and have a sense of what is fair to you.