Introducing myself

[MostlyOkay]

What type of relationship are you in?
 My 24yo daughter was diagnosed BPD last year
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
 There is no one with a diagnosis that I know of, but looking back I can see the traits in my mother, who has passed.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 She cares about people and she is super smart
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Keeping a place to live, and caring for her two small children
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 She and I were very close when she was little, and I recognize our relationship now as deeply enmeshed.  She started acting out when she was 12 (self-harm, running away), and by the time she was 16 she had been in-patient four separate times. She hated us, and wanted out.  We were waiting for her 18th birthday so she could finally get what she wanted. Things changed when she got pregnant.  She started participating in her treatment, we were great friends, it was a beautiful nine months. But the baby came, and four months later we were the enemy again and she left. She took the baby with her, then brought her back and left her with us. My daughter was in and out of our lives for almost six years. We cared for our granddaughter most of that time, with brief periods where she lived with her mom.  Last year, when our granddaughter was living with us, our daughter got pregnant again, became suicidal, and checked herself in for treatment.  When she was released, she needed a place to live, and we very reluctantly agreed to take her in.  I thought we would last a week, but that was eight months ago. The new baby is here, and we did really, really well together (participating in her treatment, we were great friends, etc).  And history repeats itself, sort of.  This time, we're still the enemy, but she is leaving and taking the girls with her. She is unable to keep a job, and has no options for housing other than staying with one of her sisters. I'm anticipating all the ways this will go horribly wrong for us. Over the years we've spent thousands on helping with rent, lease-break fees, car payments, phone bills, and we keep putting a stop to it, only to start again. I'd love to think I'm at the end of that, but that's what I usually think.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Diagnosed. 
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 I feel a great deal of guilt about my daughter's childhood.  I can see that she needed more than what we provided emotionally. I was a mom who gave long speeches and tried to make sure everyone and everything was okay all the time. I was controlling and tyrannical. I have been working a 12-step program focused on emotional sobriety, and trying to build a life for myself that doesn't involve rescuing and controlling my family members.  I struggle to trust God with my future, given all the horrendous mistakes I have made in my marriage and raising my children. I had an emotional meltdown late last year that brought some clarity and a spark of renewed faith, as well as lots more work for me to do to find out who I want to be and what I want my life to look like.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 My daughter is in therapy, but I'm not sure of the specifics. Might be DBT, but no group.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
 I would like to connect with other people with adult children who have BPD, particularly those with grandchildren. I need mental clarity and help with boundaries. I have good support through church and 12-step, but no one "gets" BPD.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE
 Logged

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Mostlyokay
Thank you for posting and giving details of your journey with daughter and grandchildren. It is good that there is a diagnosis and that dd is in therapy. For many of us the hope of therapy has been dashed and we are battling along with no one else involved in our child’s life.

Congratulations on making every effort to be the best ‘you’ – but I wonder at the degree of guilt you feel. We can all look back and see things we would do differently given what we know NOW – but most people do the best they can at any one point in time.

It is my understanding that the cause of BPD is quite complex. In a family of four children, all raised in the same manner and one can have BPD and the other three not. This is also interesting in that you mention you can see traits in your mum that could indicate she possibly had this illness.

At 24 years your dd is still young – yet you have already been dealing with so many difficulties for many years. You must be exhausted. I have also been down the path of trying to help my dd set up independently without success. Mostly her daughter stayed with me, apart of times when she would pack her up and go and move in with her new bf. This never lasted long and gd returned to stay with me.

In 2020 dd left a violent relationship and moved back here – and was mostly here apart from 2 or 3 times when she packed up and moved in with someone. It has been very difficult and is becoming increasingly so.

After some thought I decided it was better for me to have a room here that dd could use and – when she was not here spend some money for her phone and other things. At times this gets frustrating, but it is less costly than trying to set her up independently. When I tried setting her up in a flat all her mates thought is was a great place to hang out!

I wonder if your dd says things like ‘I can’t stand living here’ expecting you to jump in and find her a place and finance it etc? I was so used to ‘jumping in’ that my dd really does expect me to do that all the time.

We seem to go round in circles, all the time trying to find a way to move forward – but of course we can’t control the choices our bpd children make and are going to make.

So I am just wondering how you see things might be over these next few months. Will dd move out with the children? Will she expect you to finance the move? If she does move out, how long do you think it might be before she is not managing and needs you to care for the children? Are you willing/able to continue doing this?

I think all we can do in the chaos of life with a bpd loved one is to think about what options we have and what is possible for us. Somehow or other we need to keep our own lives steady and calm in the face of chaos and impulsivity.

I hope you find support coming to this site. It is the place I come to when I need to know that I am not alone in dealing with this awful illness.

[MostlyOkay]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, Sancho.  We've been setting up most of her living arrangements, or bailing her out of the arrangements she makes on her own, since she turned 18, six years ago.  This is the first time since then that she's asked to move back in with us.   It was great for a few months, then not great. 

She left three days ago, with the kids and the car I co-signed for. She is staying with a sister who agrees that we are horrible parents.  We're anticipating that we'll be asked to care for the 6yo again, and we absolutely will.  Her room still has all of her things in it, because I refused to include them in what was removed from the house this week.  And as soon as the baby becomes inconvenient for mom, we'll take her in also. 

At this point we're committed to not paying her bills, and to not allow her to move back in. 

What I've observed is that she can't keep a job for more than a few weeks, so she's unable to support herself.  Anyone who tries to help her will eventually be made the enemy for trying to control her.  She doesn't recognize the authority or boundaries of anyone who loves her.  What I want for myself is to love her from a safe distance, and mind my own business.

I'll spend some more time on this site as time allows.  Thanks again, Sancho.  :-)