Are you co-dependent? [Survey and discussion]

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Codependency is often talked about and poorly defined or understood. One important thing to consider is whether your behavior is a lifelong pattern or it is situational. And example of situational would be you only had the issues in one relationship or during a specific time (e.g., taking care of an aging parent or at end of life).

Timmen Cermak, M.D., proposed that co-dependency be listed as a personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III-R; American Psychiatric Association, 1987). Cermak reasoned that when specific personality traits become excessive and maladaptive and cause significant impairment in functioning or cause significant distress, it warrants a personality disorder diagnosis.Cermak's definition was published in the Journal of Psychoactive Drugs in 1986. To this day, this is recognized as the most clinical interpretation of co-dependency.

Cermak proposed a life-long patern of the following criteria for this disorder.

  Continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others in the face of serious adverse consequences.

  Assumption of responsibility for meeting others' needs to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own.

  Anxiety and boundary distortions relative to intimacy and separation.

  Enmeshment in relationships with personality disordered, chemically dependent, other co‐dependent, or impulse‐disordered individuals.
    
  Three or more of the following:

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___ Excessive reliance on denial ___ Constriction of emotions (with or without dramatic outbursts) ___ Depression ___ Hypervigilance ___ Compulsions ___ Anxiety ___ Substance use disorder ___ Has been (or is) the victim of recurrent physical or sexual abuse ___ Stress-related medical illnesses ___ Has remained in a primary relationship with a person who continues to recreationally use drugs for at least two years without seeking outside help.

Codependency has not been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders; DSM-III-R or later versions.

[once removed]

CODA has a much longer list which has taken some criticism for being broad and not very specific. Nonetheless, it is helpful as a "you might be codependent if..."

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns

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Codependents often... Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel. Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. Label others with their negative traits. Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others. Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways. Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

Low Self-esteem Patterns

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Codependents often... Have difficulty making decisions. Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own. Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons. Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than. Have difficulty admitting a mistake. Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good. Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want. Perceive themselves as superior to others. Look to others to provide their sense of safety. Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Compliance Patterns

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Codependents often... Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want. Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings. Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. Accept sexual attention when they want love. Make decisions without regard to the consequences. Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns

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Codependents often... Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves. Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. Freely offer advice and direction without being asked. Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice. Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence. Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others. Demand that their needs be met by others. Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate. Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally. Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others. Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

Avoidance Patterns

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Codependents often... Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them. Judge harshly what others think, say, or do. Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance. Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships. Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery. Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away. Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves. Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. Withhold expressions of appreciation.

From Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc.

[Brokenmind]

Great thread SD, there was no option to reply in the previous thread you but this resonates with me as it’s what I’m focusing on instead of my ex. These are mine to fix and it’s been a long time coming.