Detaching after being manipulated for the past 12 months

[Martyt]

Hi there. I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about possible going to therapy and maybe trying to work things out a couple of weeks ago. Since then things have got a whole lot worse which I’ll explain after a bit of the back story.

I was with my ex gf UBPD for just over 2 years. She showed red flags early in our relationship, I ignored them because she was good at making me feel good. Everything in our relationship moved very fast. Moved into my place officially after 2 months of dating, the I love you’d and everything else that came with it. She is also addicted to prescription pain medication which she hid from me for the first year and a half.

Early last year she befriended a gay male from our area, that had just turned 17, she’s 34. Their friendship started out with her being one on one coach for him in a sport we all do. He quickly became her FP and she started to paint me black. Arguments started between us and one day she said to me she was going to move in with the kid and his mom for a bit to work out what she wants. Everything from that point on was my fault, and I believed it aswell. She would still text me and call me nearly every day saying that she still loved me and wanted a future with me. This went on for 7 months. She would come and stay at my place a couple times a month, then go back to their house. This went on for 7 months. I approached her multiple times and asked her if she was sleeping with the kid and she deeply denied it and always said he’s gay he doesn’t like females and he is a child.

Late last year she called me and was in tears saying that she had stuffed everything up and wanted to come home and work on our relationship. Silly me agreed and she moved back in here. Waited till the kid and his mom were out and cleared her stuff out without them knowing and came back here. She was back here for about 2 months and for the life of me I couldn’t move past the trust issues I had with her from her pathological lying for the past 7 months and it was really getting to me. I had told her a few times about how I felt and she kept saying that she will do everything she can to build the trust again. She had a manic episode one day and started cutting in front of me, something I had never seen her do before, and at that point with everything that I was feeling I knew it was time to end it. I asked her to leave.

She went straight back to the kids house, and that was that. I kept asking her to pick up her belongings and til this day still hasn’t happened. It falls under abandoned goods now.

I received a phone call from the kids mother last week, with her asking my side of the story, because she had worked out what type of person my ex was. She had told them that when she moved out of there, to come back here, she was in a psych ward for those few months. Then this is where the mother dropped the bombshell. She told me she didn’t want to upset me but I deserve to know the truth, and to know that she didn’t approve of it in anyway. As soon as my ex moved in with them, she started an intimate relationship with the just turned 17yo gay boy. This went on until he called it off and told her he was in fact gay and he didn’t want to be with her anymore. That’s when she came back here. I had a tiny bit of something that this might have been the case in the back of my mind, but I asked her, she denied and he is gay after all. She has now turned the kid against his whole family, moved into a unit together and she is continuing to brainwash this poor child and has torn his family apart. After all this come out, I obviously told her my thoughts on the situation, and of course there were trails and trails of lies. I do have messages of proof that it is definitely the truth and she still keeps denying it. I want nothing to do with this girl. She’s not a woman, she has the mental capacity of a 10yo. I am on my healing journey and I’m not going to lie, it is tough. It’s a lot to deal with and the thought that I once trusted this person and once loved this person disgusts and upsets me.

[kells76]

Hi Martyt,

That is a lot to deal with, wow. I think I'm tracking with you that you are definitely done with the relationship?

It may be a good move to see what kind of "mandatory reporter" state you live in. There are some US states where anyone (not just teachers, doctors, etc) who knows/suspects, must report child abuse. Intimate/sexual contact between an adult and minor sounds like it counts. Google "[Your State] who is a mandatory reporter". If you are, you can consider contacting CPS and asking them if there is anything else you need to do besides report your concerns.

It makes sense that you'd feel upset at having trusted her, when she's capable of that kind of behavior.

Are you in any kind of therapy or counseling at the moment?

[Martyt]

Thankyou very much for your reply Kells. I am so glad I stumbled upon this community for support. You are 100% right in I don’t want any part of any type of relationship with her. I now view her as a disgusting human being and I feel very sad for the child because ultimately he will find out what she is like and capable of. She has a 2 year cycle with relationships, friendships and employment.

The mother of the child has made complaints to the authorities in our country about what went on. There is many more complaints and investigations between his family and her, not just the sexual part of it.

I knew she had UdBPD, she had told me numerous times. I didn’t think it was as bad as it is, to do what she has done. She would use other peoples stories as her own to paint a good picture of herself, and the bad stories about herself, she would tell them and say she was talking about her only friend at the time to paint a bad picture of her.

She has no friends other than the kid, and next to no family support because her family knows exactly what she is like. I have a decent IQ, I have my own mental health issues including adhd and she pulled the wool over my eyes very well until the 2 year mark. She tried to turn me against my family and friends, when she worked out that she couldn’t do that she started going off to hospital more often with alleged chronic pain so I would give her more and more sympathy.

I have an appointment with my gp this week to organise some counselling with a professional that has knowledge on BPD. I’m lucky that I was only with this person for the time I was. If I was any weaker mentally, she would’ve broken me. I know the kid is very fragile mentally and she is going to break him before he realises what’s happing. I really feel for him and his family and have told them that after I sort myself out, I’m happy to be there for support for them. 

[EyesUp]

@Marty,

Welcome - Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

It’s super normal to ruminate and try to make sense of the situation.  It’s good that you’re planning to work on this in therapy.

The good news, if I can call it that, is that it was a relatively short relationship.  For many types of recovery, part of the solution is to naturally replace a with b over time, in which a is something unhealthy or unavailable, and b is something healthy and available.

My suggestion is: While you’re talking things through with your T, try to reconnect with things that matter to you - friends, family, reading, entertainment, hobbies, activities…. Activities that will give you something to look forward to and focus on.

In short, you no longer need to be someone else’s caretaker - you can redirect that energy into taking care of yourself.

You’re taking a positive step with therapy.

[Martyt]

Thanks for your words eyesup.

I have continued with my hobbies and business, I also have a very good support group around me which Is great. The only thing I struggle with, with them, is trying to explain her illness to them, because they don’t really understand. That’s  where my T will be a great help. I have a lot to unpack to move forward but I know what is best for me. She still thinks there is a way back from this according to a mutual friend, they have told her there is no chance and she won’t have it. She will work it out in due time.

[kells76]

Good thought from EyesUp:

In short, you no longer need to be someone else’s caretaker - you can redirect that energy into taking care of yourself.

Sometimes it's uncomfortable and frightening to stop taking care of others and take care of ourselves. Good to hear you're in therapy -- that'll be helpful.

I also have a very good support group around me which Is great. The only thing I struggle with, with them, is trying to explain her illness to them, because they don’t really understand.

Am I tracking with you that your support group doesn't understand her illness? (Is this a literal support group, or more like "supportive friends"?)

[Martyt]

Good thought from EyesUp:

Sometimes it's uncomfortable and frightening to stop taking care of others and take care of ourselves. Good to hear you're in therapy -- that'll be helpful.

Am I tracking with you that your support group doesn't understand her illness? (Is this a literal support group, or more like "supportive friends"?)

This is a supportive group of friends and family.

The things that I’m having the hardest time dealing with, is how she could leave and do this, knowing how morally wrong it is. And then come back and act like nothing had happened and tell me she she hadn’t been with anyone else.

[EyesUp]

Marty,

Why is she doing this? 

Self preservation - She knows that the truth is too damaging to recover from.

To avoid shame - Not only is she unable to maintain your good graces, she's unable to deal with what this all means for her own self understanding.

There could be a lot of other reasons, but they all boil down to survival.

People - BPD or not - do stuff like this in order to survive.

When I was confronted with infidelity in my 14yr marriage, I was disgusted with myself for attempting to work through it.  If you had asked me at some earlier point, I would have said that infidelity would be game over.  But when it actually happened, I simply wasn't prepared, it was traumatic, I wanted to understand it.  I didn't understand why my uBPDxw didn't simply ask for a divorce if I was inadequate or whatever. 

What I learned was:
- some people - a lot of people - find a way to move through infidelity, but it usually requires one or both people to find a way to live with some super stinky circumstances.  it's virtually impossible to forgive and forget or reestablish trust
- people who have affairs that are not exit affairs are playing by a different set of rules.  in this situation, rule #1 is that there are no rules
- attempting to make sense of this may or may not lead to any sort of acceptable outcome.  in my case, it led me to finally understand that things that were "off" in my relationship were simply not going to improve.  this enabled me to finally begin to detach and start dealing with myself
- radical acceptance meant accepting what I could change about me - rather than accepting what happened

I hope these comments are somehow helpful. What I can tell you is:  The current situation may seem impossible. But you can heal, and you can come out stronger on the other side.

[Martyt]

She definitely knows the truth is too damaging to come back from. She is still trying to convince everyone via Facebook posts that he is her best friend. I look at that as she knows she is guilty and is doing anything to try and manipulate the truth.

She has lost everyone in her life at this point, and I mean every single friend, her family have little to do with her, everyone that cared about her up until a few months ago except this kid. He is the only person she has left. They have all caught onto what type of person she is and the lies she has been telling.

The lies that have come out are worse than we could’ve all imagined, nearly everything in her life is a lie. And the addiction to prescription pain meds is worse than any of us imagined. Her ex friends have reached out to me telling me what they know and asking me about things and everything is coming out.

Even after all of this, the hurt she has caused everyone, a part of me still misses her. She was a big part of my life for nearly 3 years. I guess I’m working out that it is hard to let go of a pwBPD even if I was the one that ended it with her.

[EyesUp]

Even after all of this, the hurt she has caused everyone, a part of me still misses her. She was a big part of my life for nearly 3 years. I guess I’m working out that it is hard to let go of a pwBPD even if I was the one that ended it with her.

Since we're in the detaching board...

Do you miss her?  Of the idea of her?

Do you believe that there was something special about the positives of your BPD x, that makes it harder to let go?   Were these genuine positives, or something that she projected, or that you perceived?

My $0.02, breakups are no fun.  Messy, complicated breakups with extra trauma and wreckage, plus unanswered (and possibly unanswerable) questions get their hooks in your brain and seem even harder to let go of.

The best thing I've found is to figure out how to change the channel in your brain. When you're pondering/ruminating/reminiscing/resenting... try to interject your internal dialog. What would you rather be doing?  Probably quite a few things.

It's fine if to connect with others - if helpful.  Just beware of flying monkeys...

The key, for me, was exploring how to avoid similar patterns in a future relationship.  I know it's likely too soon, but how do you feel about this?  Do you have a sense of what you contributed to, or accepted in the relationship?  What will you do differently in the future?

[Martyt]

I miss the idea of her. Some things about her were great, but the negatives really outweighed the positives in the end. I think the great things about her were all a front or act as well, that some people picked up on sooner than others including myself.

I don’t think it’s too soon to get back out there, because realistically, our relationship ended when we broke up the first time mid last year. The 2 month stint when we rekindled, wasn’t the same and didn’t feel like a relationship. There was already too much damage done at that point.