>Help setting boundaries

[Mimi75]

Hello all! New to this platform. I am married to someone with bpd (not official diagnosis). We have recently separated but it has been a very difficult separation. He attempted suicide a few weeks back and I am still trying to make sense of that.
We are sharing a house. He lives in the basement. I just need help finding ways to protect myself from the ways he tries to manipulate to gain control back. I need to set boundaries but don’t know where to start.
Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tina7868]

Hi Mimi75 ! It sounds like you are going through a difficult situation. I welcome you here to a community of people who can relate to what you are through. I have a few questions to help us better understand your situation. Feel free to share how much (or how little!) you are comfortable with at this time 

How long were you together before the seperation?

Also, you mention living together. Is this a temporary situation, or is it how things will be for the forseeable future?

I just need help finding ways to protect myself from the ways he tries to manipulate to gain control back.

In what ways does he try to manipulate you?

[Mimi75]

Hello Tina!Thank you for your reply and for your warm welcome to the community.
We have been married for 25 years. The reason why we need to share a home at the moment is more of a financial situation. We can’t afford to pay a mortgage and rent at the same time. The basement set up works for the time being, as long as he can be respectful of the boundaries we will set in place. Everything has happened so fast and so recently that I am trying to be very careful with how I approach things.
The main way I feel manipulated is his threat of suicide. Last attempt was so close to being successful.. It was such as frightening experience! He has a way to pull at my heart strings with the way he plays the victim. I feel like I need to be constantly on my toes as to not get sucked in again. How do you show empathy and compassion without it being misunderstood for a sign that I am getting over things and on my way to take him back? It’s exhausting!

[Pook075]

Hello Tina!Thank you for your reply and for your warm welcome to the community.
We have been married for 25 years. The reason why we need to share a home at the moment is more of a financial situation. We can’t afford to pay a mortgage and rent at the same time. The basement set up works for the time being, as long as he can be respectful of the boundaries we will set in place. Everything has happened so fast and so recently that I am trying to be very careful with how I approach things.
The main way I feel manipulated is his threat of suicide. Last attempt was so close to being successful.. It was such as frightening experience! He has a way to pull at my heart strings with the way he plays the victim. I feel like I need to be constantly on my toes as to not get sucked in again. How do you show empathy and compassion without it being misunderstood for a sign that I am getting over things and on my way to take him back? It’s exhausting!

Hey Mimi.

I have a daughter and an ex-wife with BPD, and the kid played the suicide card many times.  She'd rather be dead than clean her room, to help pack for a family vacation, etc.  The list was a mile long on "triggers" that could send her spiraling.

Two quick things.

#1, you said "...respectful of the boundaries we will set in place."  That doesn't work, boundaries can't be something that will eventually be defined whenever you guys get around to it.  Write down what you need- think to feel safe, to happily co-habitate outside the marriage, etc.  That stuff is not up for negotiation- either they happen or someone has to leave.

#2, memorize this magic phrase.  "He is a threat to himself or others."  Anytime he threatens violence, mentions suicide, becomes aggressive, etc, you pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1.  Then you say the magic phrase.  At that point, the police have to respond, they have to take him for a psych evaluation, and they'll likely keep him for a psych hold for a little while.  At each place, you repeat the magic phrase over and over again until he receives professional help.

The advice in #2 is your most important boundary...he doesn't get to put you through that and when he goes there, you have a strict set of reactions that he's not going to enjoy.

I hope that helps!