Hello Tina!Thank you for your reply and for your warm welcome to the community.
We have been married for 25 years. The reason why we need to share a home at the moment is more of a financial situation. We can’t afford to pay a mortgage and rent at the same time. The basement set up works for the time being, as long as he can be respectful of the boundaries we will set in place. Everything has happened so fast and so recently that I am trying to be very careful with how I approach things.
The main way I feel manipulated is his threat of suicide. Last attempt was so close to being successful.. It was such as frightening experience! He has a way to pull at my heart strings with the way he plays the victim. I feel like I need to be constantly on my toes as to not get sucked in again. How do you show empathy and compassion without it being misunderstood for a sign that I am getting over things and on my way to take him back? It’s exhausting!
Hey Mimi.
I have a daughter and an ex-wife with BPD, and the kid played the suicide card many times. She'd rather be dead than clean her room, to help pack for a family vacation, etc. The list was a mile long on "triggers" that could send her spiraling.
Two quick things.
#1, you said "...respectful of the boundaries we will set in place." That doesn't work, boundaries can't be something that will eventually be defined whenever you guys get around to it. Write down what you need- think to feel safe, to happily co-habitate outside the marriage, etc. That stuff is not up for negotiation- either they happen or someone has to leave.
#2, memorize this magic phrase. "He is a threat to himself or others." Anytime he threatens violence, mentions suicide, becomes aggressive, etc, you pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1. Then you say the magic phrase. At that point, the police have to respond, they have to take him for a psych evaluation, and they'll likely keep him for a psych hold for a little while. At each place, you repeat the magic phrase over and over again until he receives professional help.
The advice in #2 is your most important boundary...he doesn't get to put you through that and when he goes there, you have a strict set of reactions that he's not going to enjoy.
I hope that helps!