Still Conflicted

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone, have been no contact for a month with my bpd ex fiancee, it ended with an argument on the phone. I posted about it at the time. Things have become more painful the more time goes by. Not sure if it's good or bad but one way I've been coping is to read, listen to audio books and learn as much as I can about bpd. This is in addition to educating myself over the years during our relationship. One of the questions I had asked in the past was would marriage cause things to get worse as I had read and the responses were very helpful. I have another question. My ex and I lived separately about three miles apart but saw each other almost daily and txt/call every hour and a half. What would the potential affect be if we lived together?

[Mushu]

Hey everyone, have been no contact for a month with my bpd ex fiancee, it ended with an argument on the phone. I posted about it at the time. Things have become more painful the more time goes by. Not sure if it's good or bad but one way I've been coping is to read, listen to audio books and learn as much as I can about bpd. This is in addition to educating myself over the years during our relationship. One of the questions I had asked in the past was would marriage cause things to get worse as I had read and the responses were very helpful. I have another question. My ex and I lived separately about three miles apart but saw each other almost daily and txt/call every hour and a half. What would the potential affect be if we lived together?

[livednlearned]

Breakups like this can be so excruciating, I feel for you.

Are you asking because you wonder if living together would've resolved any abandonment fears?

BPD tends to be expressed most intensely in intimate relationships, and living together is more intimate than not living together so ... living together can be more of an emotional roller coaster, especially when it's harder to take breaks and get back to baseline.

Also, some pwBPD fear engulfment in addition to abandonment. Living together can create double volatility as pwBPD work to regulate emotions about one or the other.

You were with your pwBPD for 10 or so years from reading your posts. A month post-breakup is a short time, things are going to feel really really raw for a while. It's understandable that you're hurting and finding it hard to sit with the pain.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you through this?

My marriage to a pwBPD was 10 years and I remember reading it can take roughly 1 month for every year of the relationship to recover, and double if it was a high-conflict relationship, which most BPD ones are.

That turned out to be almost true to the month for me, although I also did a lot of work with a therapist and found relief sooner even though it took longer to feel like I was genuinely ok in all parts of my life, even thriving.

I had a six-month period long-distance with my ex before we moved in together and got married. Living apart hid the real roller coaster. We had some dust-ups long-distance and during a cross-country trip we did together, as well as shorter visits. Nothing compared to the relationship dysfunction once we lived together. It was next level.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey everyone, have been no contact for a month with my bpd ex fiancee, it ended with an argument on the phone. I posted about it at the time. Things have become more painful the more time goes by. Not sure if it's good or bad but one way I've been coping is to read, listen to audio books and learn as much as I can about bpd. This is in addition to educating myself over the years during our relationship. One of the questions I had asked in the past was would marriage cause things to get worse as I had read and the responses were very helpful. I have another question. My ex and I lived separately about three miles apart but saw each other almost daily and txt/call every hour and a half. What would the potential affect be if we lived together?

While nothing is ever truly absolute and guaranteed I would place my bets on the relationship dysfunction being amplified like it was on a massive dose of steroids if you lived together. In many respects I experienced that myself. With distance my ex wife and I got along better. Living together...total nightmare. I don't miss her one bit and I am happy that period of my life is long behind me.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Mushu]

Thank you both for your responses and sharing you experiences with me. It really helps to hear the truths that my gut knows but my heart doesn't want to accept. I really appreciate you both and everyone in this family. No one else really knows the reality of these relationships, which is very isolating, especially with the huge void left without her.

[ForeverDad]

While nothing is ever truly absolute and guaranteed I would place my bets on the relationship dysfunction being amplified like it was on a massive dose of steroids if you lived together.

Speaking in general terms, Borderline (BPD) is an emotional dysregulation disorder that is more impactful the closer the relationship.  I agree that living together would make it easier for the other to vent or worse with the close living arrangement.  Frequently being in private scenarios can enable more opportunities for poor behavior when in negative moods. 

If you married, then it very likely would worsen your relationship, no doubt for multiple reasons.  One reason I believe would be the increased commitment that marriage signifies.  It is a bond intended to last many years, even a lifetime. The person with BPD (pwBPD) could very well conclude that if he or she acted out in a hurtful or abusive way, typically in private scenarios, that you'd be more likely to stay than to leave.

That's part of the "Obligation" in the FOG we often mention here...
FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

[Mushu]

Thanks again for your responses. Besides the consistently random triggers for her to go from idealizing to devaluing me (for the length of the argument the back to loving me) throughout our 10 years, one main point was that I hadn't signed on the dotted line and married her. We broke up for 8 months in 2019, she would later claim it was because I said I didn't"t want to marry her, but the reality is I had an appointment for us to go to counseling, she broke it off 2 days before saying she couldn't do this anymore ( meaning the relationship) but I know it was to avoid the counseling. After 8 months we got back together and got engaged. I thought we would be good, get married and be happy. Everything stayed the same idealizing/devaluing/idealizing. A lot of info for one question I know, but, if she fears engulfment (many wonderful times or blocks of time sabotaged by her flipping on me) why does she want to get married so badly? Does she not remember her triggers/rages and want to avoid them?

[ForeverDad]

Does she not remember her triggers/rages and want to avoid them?

You, of course, normally would remember them correctly, more or less.*  You're a reasonably normal person, what has in the past been termed a "non-BPD".

It has sometimes been debated whether the person with BPD (pwBPD) can truly not remember convenient portions of past events.  I, for one, have noted how selective their memory is and how they are able to skirt around anything that would force them too scrutinize at themselves.  Partly it could be the need to Deny or shift Blame.  Partly it could be due to their perceptions or perspectives.  Or some level of dissociative episodes, as in a detachment from reality.

* There is a side bar here.  Many who have been in really high stress or abusive relationships tend to blur or forget the past conflict.  How else could we continue in one piece?  For example, many of my ex's past rants and rages disappeared from my memory, perhaps it was so that I could emotionally survive.