I am really confused. I guess that is why I am writing in the Conflicted area of BPDFamily.
Things with girlfriend#1 are not good. A couple of days ago she was up late trying to get a college assignment in by midnight. In the morning I saw she had sent messages that she hadn’t completed it. I sent her a message empathising. When she replied she said she was over the whole message thing.That I am not responding to her messages or they are going unread. She said “Which is frustrating, given how often I need to tell you how unhappy I am about your effect on me”.
She then said she had a mountain of work to do so she is ending our pen palship. She says it has more to do with how I am strongly opposed to the things she does, such as writing songs, and nearly everything else she does as well. “It has become an ongoing and stressful imaginary conversation running most of the time in my mind, you criticising everything I do.” It ends by her saying she is going cold turkey and it will be a relief not to hear my degrading opinions anymore.
I replied “ok, I have read your message. Message understood.”
The next day, yesterday, I have an email titled ‘Hard Line’ in my inbox. She acknowledges the “brutal line she drew with a poisoned nib across the papery throat of our friendship”. Then she tells me how effective it has been for her in that my demeaning commentary has less air time in her mind. She says she is dropping units with her study, says she needs to get on top of things… She blames me for interrupting things by appearing in her life. And then she says, “by the same token, I really miss you. And my desire for contact increases. Will you please answer your
telephone?”
Sorry for all the copy and pasting, he said she said. I am trying to make sense of this. (we interrupt this broadcast with an important message:
)
A week ago or so she tells me she wishes I’d put more energy into sex than the other obsessions I have. So I ask her what she means. She tells me she wants me to tie her up. The problem is she isn’t sure she can trust me with that yet. So this is a different rope analogy to the other one mentioned earlier!
So yesterday I replied to her email. I told her she had been very clear identifying what she dislikes about me, yet she is trying to connect with me. She wants me to tie her up, and tell me she has all of these other ‘suitors’ materialising out of thin air. I reminded her that it was her who showed up in my life, this time. I told her I didn’t know what to make of any of this.
There was back snd forth emails into the evening. I am being accused of ‘toxic sabbotage’ and that it is all a practical joke to me in order to have ‘mean fun’. I denied this, which did no good.
So today I am bedridden. Luckily my autistic son is doing activities with his worker, so I don’t have that to contend with. I have not emailed #1. When I spoke to my psychologist on Friday he was explaining happy relationships and healthy ones. His take on this is that relationships are happy all of the time, but people in healthy relationships don’t call each other names. He was questioning me whether I would want ten years of this. The answer is no, I don’t.
I am pretty depressed today. I was just looking at my messages from girlfriend #3. She has been messaging daily. Wanting to know where this all went wrong and how she can be a better person in relationship. It is very sad. I am thinking very hard about this. I suspect, as I have before, that we are the problem. It is a scary thought. Perhaps Girlfriend #1 has a valid point. Maybe I am very negative. She is telling me she perceives it as so. Being in a war zone since 1966 hasn’t been easy. Surely that will make me view the world though s
tinted glasses?
I think I need that time alone to look at myself. I really can’t go leaping into another relationship/war.
I haven’t given up yet guys! Hoping to smell the roses soon, even if they are the ones on my own grave!
