How to improve the cycle

[helplesscarebear]

I’m stuck in a miserable cycle of my upwBPD lashing out and raging at me because I’m not meeting his needs (emotionally and physically) but then I feel attack, I detach, and then continue to not meet his needs, thus the cycle perpetuates.

My partner and I have been together for 11 years and have a 16 month old. I’ve never been overly affectionate or had a high sex drive and having a baby and still breastfeeding has taken a lot of my energy. It’s been a point of contention for years, but other factors at play have caused it to become a central issue in our relationship.

I want him to feel supported and know I love him and am attracted to him. BUT, any little argument spirals into him ranting and raging about how little I support him, spend time with him, touch him, or am a partner to him. By the end of it I’m so damn checked out (I don’t argue or try to justify things because it never helps). I feel even LESS in the mood to have sex or put effort in when I’m hurting from all the nasty things and blame he just put on me.

This cycle repeats regularly. How can we break it?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi helplesscarebear and welcome back  

Sounds like some new things have happened in the last couple of years such as the arrival of your baby (congratulations, by the way!   ), but some things have stayed the same, like the conflict cycle between you and your partner.

It's good to hear that you're interested in breaking the cycle. When there's a partner with BPD involved, something fundamental to keep in mind is that if we want the dynamic to change, we need to be the "emotional leaders" and initiate those changes. On the one hand, that can sound unfair: "Why should I have to change if he/she is the irrational one?" On the other hand, it can be very freeing -- you don't need your partner's agreement or cooperation for you to have the power to change the relational dynamic.

Have you had a chance to check out our article and video on Ending Conflict yet? One part that stood out to me was this:

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

For better or for worse, for this cycle to change, you may need to start making changes on your own -- but for some couples, that can make a difference, and at minimum for you, there's the opportunity for your life with him to become more livable (or at least less unlivable).

I want him to feel supported and know I love him and am attracted to him. BUT, any little argument spirals into him ranting and raging about how little I support him, spend time with him, touch him, or am a partner to him. By the end of it I’m so damn checked out (I don’t argue or try to justify things because it never helps). I feel even LESS in the mood to have sex or put effort in when I’m hurting from all the nasty things and blame he just put on me.

Can you walk us through how that looks in a little more detail? For example, if the two of you are just having a normal day, what happens to turn a normal statement into the start of a little argument? What happens next? Who says what? How long does it last? Sometimes writing it out like a dialog or script can help us here find moments to make changes. So, something like:

You and him: talking about the weather
Him: blah blah blah
You: response
Him: response
Argument escalates

I bet we can find areas where you can "change the tune" even without getting his agreement or buy-in ahead of time.

Fill us in on some details, whenever works for you;

kells76

[Pook075]

Hey Carebear,

I completely agree with Kells.  The BPD dynamic stems from insecurity and fear of abandonment, which can send emotions flying in all directions.  To move past that cycle, it's often the little things before the argument, before the outbursts, that can make all the difference in the world.

For your side of things, sex might feel like a barrier but there's also something towards actually being wanted, being romanced.  Maybe you're not getting much of that if there's always drama and emotions, and he probably needs to try harder to make you feel special.  This may sound like a separate issue but it's all one in the same; if you can de-escalate the arguments before they start, make him feel loved and validated, then maybe his approach also changes.

For my BPD-ex, she would seemingly shut down and shut me out randomly, which didn't make any sense at all.  But now looking back, I could see how she'd be emotionally hurt (sometimes by me, but often when it had nothing to do with me).  She would be distant and detached without even realizing it, but then she'd notice I was more distant.  Well duh, because she was ignoring me...but she had no idea, so it was "perceived" as I was abandoning her and pushing her away. 

Maybe the following day, she'd say hi and be a little flirty...but in my mind she just ignored me for three days (or three weeks).  So like you, I wasn't "feeling it" because I'd just been rejected who knows how many times.  Again, she had zero conscious understanding that she was doing that to me- in her mind, I got 100% of the blame.  That was the cycle and it all came down to poor communication.

So what's the cure?  Make the effort to validate him, to build him up.  When he rants, affirm what's frustrating him by focusing on his emotions.  This is how he heals and learns to build trust in the relationship once again.   

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!